I walk alone

Um, shit has happened since I’ve done a real post.  I’m sure this is all standard stuff that happens to everyone. I was scammed out of $1,002, BUT I only had $100 in my checking account, so the bank wants the other $905! Needless to say, I don’t have it. I will call tomorrow to make sure they don’t really want the $4,500, which is really the total amount I was scammed out of.

However, only the $1000 check was cashed, so I doubt I have to pay the other $3,500, but I’m getting mixed messages. I can pay the bank back anywhere from $75 to $150 a month. Sigh. And these aren’t the only issues I’m having about money. I have to call TWO banks tomorrow.


I would be foolish not to ask for money if anyone has the resources and is feeling generous. So here’s my Paypal link if you want to donate. Thank you!


Work sucks because I didn’t meet my quota for December. Major bummer.  I’m off until Thursday. Right now, I’m more worried about money. So I spend 70% of my time worrying about money on my vacation. And the other 30% stressing about work.

I was invited to apply for a part-time job. Since it was an invite, I think there is a chance of an interview. I asked for $25 an hour. Should have asked for their minium, which was $20 per hour. Whatever. I hope I find something in January, so I can pay the bank back and other bills. :/

What I’m leaving behind in 2019 are payment plans. If I can’t afford the whole price, I’m not buying. That’s the most important thing I learned this year. Plus, they tack on a fee for people without resources. It’s funny people with money get a discount! What kind of sense does that make? Only in capitalism would people just accept this bullshit.

Well, that’s fine. I won’t be doing payment plans for anything except a house and a car.

2020 goals? I haven’t written them down yet, so this is my first take on them.

  • Make $12,000 in sales with my business
  • Take a Kundalini yoga class
  • Go on a vacay for my birthday
  • Make the goal at work
  • Have an organized space
  • Have a decent ER fund (probably $1,000)
  • Therapy at least 2x a month

These are the first things that come to mind. I have to break most of the goals into little tasks. Tomorrow I’m putting my headphones on and cleaning my space for an hour. I have astrology books everywhere. I don’t go to them as much as I used to, so they’re getting of my eyesight. I’ve never been this excited about organizing before. I already have a trash bag full. When I clean, I throw everything away. I’m not sentimental.

My birthday is in May. In May, I might have extra money BUT all the places I want to visit usually are booked by February. I’m not spending money in February unless I get a PT job soon. If I could book in April, I think a vacation might be possible. I’m looking in the $400 – $600 range for the whole vacation. Three nights. And my dog has to be able to go. I was planning four nights until all this crap happened.

I have therapy on Tuesday. FINALLY. I had to cancel all my other appointments. I had an appointment on Friday, but when I saw she had an opening on Tuesday, I grabbed that. I need help ASAP! I’m drowning.

This week I…

Music of the week: Ariana Grande, Robyn, Taylor Swift, Christina Aguilera, Mariah Carey, Rachel Platten, Beyonce, Kari Jobe

TV of the week:  This is Us

Podcasts of the week:  The Water Trio, So You Wanna Be a Witch, Crimelines, Dateline, True Crime Garage, Generation Why, Online Marketing Made Easy

Books of the week: I need to read new books! Anyway, currently reading:

Weekend Plans: I’m excited for the park with my dog. We’re supposed to be going tomorrow, but it might rain. So then we’ll go Tuesday. I’m also excited to finally clean and organize my space tomorrow. Other than that, I’m glad I don’t have to go to work until Thursday. Mostly I’m just working on stuff, so I can have $12,000 in sales by the end of 2020.

I’m going to work on an email for a collaboration I have coming up in January. I was going to take tonight off, and then I wondered what I would do? ROFL. So I blogged here, and now back to work


I was so bummed to hear about Michael Hastings‘ death. He was only 33 years old. 😦 So talented. I first read his work in Rolling Stone.

He will be missed.


I don’t know if this is going to work out and I know it seems like a dumb thing to do. But what else do you do when you have rent on two places to pay?? Today I applied to borrow $5000.00 from my 401k. I have an agreement to pay it back in three years but of course I will try to pay it off sooner. IF I GET THE LOAN. I will find out tomorrow or Thursday. I need the money so bad. I am so bad off financially. This could be my miracle.

The bad thing is having to pay it ALL back immediately if I lose my job or switch jobs. That sucks and is scary. I’m definitely not switching jobs if I get the loan. Funny, I just applied for a new job on Sunday. No call back so I think I know the answer to that. The job was in a totally different field. I think I would have loved it but it only lasts for a year. I don’t think I can deal with that uncertainty.  I just wanted something different and good job experience.

I also applied for a part-time job. ::crickets:: A part time job would be great…but then I think about how much time I spend on my full-time job. I spend a lot of time off the clock to do decent work. If I get a part-time job when would I have time to do my day job? It’s not like I can work after 7PM on weekdays or on Sundays.

I miss the old days when I spent 40 hours a week doing my work and that was more than good enough. Those days seem to be gone forever (which is one reason I was looking for a more fulfilling job).

I know I am very lucky to have a job. I KNOW. Trust me. 😉


I searched youtube forever for a great core workout and this is the best that I found:

The difference between this vid and a class is she doesn’t include breaks between exercises. That is why her video is 20 minutes when all the core classes I’ve attended are 30 minutes. I only mention this because I was sore this morning after doing that workout yesterday. lol. I was never sore after going to the Y and doing a core workout. Oh well I do recommend it. Just rest in between exercises.

The only extravagance I am considering if I get the loan is joining a gym. Last week I said I weighed 127 lbs. That was at the doctor’s office. Well I weighed myself at the free gym on Saturday and I weighed 133 lbs. 😦 UGH! NO NO NO NO. It is all my fault for not eating right and not working out as much. I want to go to a gym with a pool so I can do water aerobics again. Obviously it has to be cheaper than the Y. I have one place in mind but I have to get a tour before I join.

This was supposed to be a short entry but I can’t help myself. I don’t talk to anyone about this stuff so it all comes out here.


Ugh, I’m very close to giving up. But can I afford it? How dumb is it to max out my credit card(s) with rent for my apartment? I don’t even know if I can afford to do that. FUCK.

I need to know why now A suddenly isn’t interested. What if the leasing company told her something? I sort of need to know that. (I did text her but she hasn’t answered. Not bothering her again). I know they don’t have a ton of 1 bedrooms especially at the price I was/am paying. This is a bargain. What sucks? The location. College students don’t want to live that far out.

I just need to know if the leasing company said “she can’t rent you the apartment because blah blah”. Even though they did tell me about two months ago that this was the only way to get out of my lease.

I’m definitely taking some time off from looking for people to occupy the apartment. It I weren’t on vacation next week, I’d probably take 2-3 weeks off.  I could use a break. But I feel like I have to take advantage of my time off from work.

Since I can’t rent the apartment, I will definitely not be going anywhere even though I have a free night from hotels.com. However, the free night is only worth $77 so I would have to add more money. Sigh. So instead I wanted to clean up this house and put everything in place.And I actually have a ton of work to do. Yes, I’ll be working off the clock on my vacation. Hopefully I can get everything done between Saturday and Monday.

I will be going to the new-to-me park in the neighborhood. I have to find some time to cancel my gym membership and I want to take a class at the free gym starting next week. I’m going to miss the Y for their pool but I can’t afford that privilege.

My biggest regret is renting the apartment in the first place…not because I have to pay for it but it has made my hypervigilance worse. I am worse off now than I was before I moved into the apartment and there seems to be no cure. 😦 My PTSD is bad.

At least I get a semi-break from work.