I’m so used to emptiness

If you are lucky, you have no idea what it’s like to have a disease that society questions because people can’t see it and aren’t sure they believe in it.

…..But, suddenly, a tumor on my spinal cord!…There was something wrong, there was something they could do, but, more important, I had something that I wasn’t ashamed of.

I recall actually saying to my twenty-year-old self: “Thank god I have cancer.”

This is something I wish for everyone who has a mental illness or addiction disorder. Not to have a tumor, obviously, but to have your illness taken as seriously as cancer.

-Patrick Kennedy Jr.


I blogged about this article in my social anxiety blog.

Social Anxiety Disorder in the Workplace This is me. This is my story. One thing that really got me was the following:

Too often, the research shows, employees with this are more likely to be terminated by companies.

“It’s easier to get rid of somebody who nobody knows very well. They don’t play on the softball team or don’t eat lunch with their co-workers,” according to Himmler. “It’s hard for them to demonstrate value because people with Social Anxiety Disorder have trouble sharing their accomplishments. And when they make mistakes, it’s very difficult for them to tell others about them. So mistakes get repeated.”

His research shows that employees who leave the workforce because of social anxiety have a more difficult time returning to work than people with alcoholism or depression.

Because it has happened to me. But I’m working now. What about everyone else? If you think unemployment is high for “normal” people. What do you think it is for people with social anxiety? I can’t help but get frustrated.

I can’t find the article now but there was this great piece on how Royce White, a NBA player with general anxiety, OCD ,and  PTSD is fined for not showing up to a team thing but Derrick Rose who has an injured leg is given months and months to heal. Both are seeing doctors regularly and “rehabbing” but just because Rose’s injury is PHYSICAL, it is okay for him to miss time. You have a mental issue: You’re fired. I’m sure most people are fine with this but I’m not.

Just suck it up. Exercise more. —- worked for me, it would work for you. Smoke weed (lol). Don’t smoke weed (I agree for me). Don’t take medicine, take herbs instead. etc, etc. All these people think they know what is best for EVERYONE. They think there is a simple solution. For some there are simple solutions, for others that is not so. Everyone is different. When will people learn? Never. I know.

Anyhow, I hope Royce White is not fired. I hope the NBA works out for him. I think they are still trying to work things out. But the NBA (like most people) don’t have a lot of patience for mental illness. I wish him the best.


Okay, I haven’t done Project Real Life in 3 weeks. So here goes. I have no idea whether that link works for people not in the class. PRL is a class by Becky Higgins.

Last week’s topic was Nuturing Your Inner Homemaker. Well I can’t wait to do that once I move. One thing I can’t get out of my mind is how anxious I will be being alone for the first time in the apartment. I should probably plan something to do because otherwise I will go nuts. I probably won’t have TV or internet. No distractions. Scary.

Anyhow, I do yearn to make my next place a home. I sorta, kinda did it with my house but it eventually got too cluttered. I did well for about 2-3 years. Then deep depression took over and even though it got better (thanks to Abilify), I could never get the place clean again. I went back to the house 2 weeks ago and it was just so cold and empty. I couldn’t go back there if I wanted to.

So my main goal is just a clutter free place. Of course I wish I could buy the stuff I wanted. I saw this nice Buddha statue for $25. I couldn’t justify buying it but it would make my living room so complete.  I’ll just settle for clutter free. I also wished I cooked more (only because it would be healthier). I don’t know. That might happen.

I did buy a trunk/ottoman from Ross which I will be using as a coffee table. I can’t use a regular coffee table. I would just put stuff on it.

my new coffee table

I wanted it in brown but they didn’t have one. When you open my “coffee table”, it looks like this:

The place has hardwood floors downstairs so I brought that small rug for my office chair. Don’t worry I have the receipt in case I don’t move!

Speaking of Project Life. My mom wanted to re-size a few photos so I printed a few of my photos along with hers and I will have a couple of layouts to post soon. Well not so soon. I used slow ass Shutterfly so I say in about 10 days I will post my next layouts. I’m focusing more on pop culture/news then my own life these days. I’ll go into it more when I post the actual layouts.

What I really need to be doing is concentrating on actually moving. I am supposed to move in 25 days. Have I done anything? ugh. I have moved so many times, It isn’t even a big deal to me. The longest place I stayed was at my house for 5 years. Before that I moved every year. I have to get on the ball over the holiday. I’m working overtime on Friday for half a day. Yay! (not sarcasm)

I have no patience & I hate waiting

The best rap line ever…That was a joke. Everyone knows Tupac was the greatest rapper of all time. But I love, love that by Jay-Z.


That is what I screamed in my car several times. I rarely get my hopes up. I learned that at a very young age. If you have high expectations and you keep getting crushed, you will probably naturally be this way. But I don’t know. Some people are good at not dwelling on disappointments. Anyway, my doctor did nothing. I spent my life avoiding doctors. Now I have a bad PCP. (She gave me a thyroid test in July and I still don’t have the results. In fact, the test has not been viewed!).

And “my” shrink doesn’t know shit. I waited for a whole hour in the waiting room to be referred to someone else and I saw NO ONE. I give up. Fine. I’m dead. I’m just waiting for my body to expire. I’m done. Maybe this was a sign that getting referred wasn’t the answer. HOWEVER, in the meantime I will suffer. I used to be a A student. I will be lucky to get B’s this semester. In fact I’m counting on Cs. I can barely get out of bed in the morning. My house is unlivable. I have the attention span of a gnat. Should I go on?

Oh well. Everything is my fault. There is no such thing as mental illness.

edited to add: Oh well, I am a little less doom and gloom. Today my shrink prescribed Wellbutrin for me since my depression is getting worse. I just read about it and I’m willing to give it a chance. I thought it was just for depression but it is suppose to work for other things as well. Okay, I’m game. I’m glad there is a generic version. I didn’t know that….I’m on a very low dose. The lowest possible. Hmmm. Maybe he does know shit even though he admitted he didn’t know anything about a certain type of medicine.

I have homework to do. I wanted to post two great writing/journal prompts. They aren’t meant to be prompts but I saw them that way. I rarely use prompts in this blog or in my paper journal but I thought these two questions were interesting. From O Magazine (specifically) by the awesome Martha Beck.

1. How do I want the world to be different because I lived in it?

2. How do I want to be different because I lived in this world?

There are 19 more questions in the article (from the February issue). I think #1 is the best question. I have nothing in me to answer either one at this time but I just wanted to share.


In 2000, you publicly announced that you had a diagnosis of bipolar disorder. Ten years later, do you think mental illnesses are more widely accepted and understood?

Carrie Fisher: I don’t know about understood. I think that unless you are forced to understand—unless it is an issue of yours—you wouldn’t bother to. I think that now most people know someone in their family that is coping with something, but there is still a tremendous amount of shame—that one is still regarded as a defective unit … if only they would pull up their bootstraps—they are only indulging their emotions, everybody’s moody, blah, blah, blah.


read Carrie’s full interview here

breathe breathe breathe

I know I should be happy just to have health insurance but I see the $25 price hike for mental health providers as inequality. We all know there is a stigma about mental illness. To make it harder just seems wrong to me. I know people without insurance have to pay about $150 just to see a regular doctor. G-d, help them if they need a specialist or additional care. I guess that is why so many just go to the ER…Some don’t even make it there. I won’t go on a tangent about that.

Btw, I did email my insurance company to complain. I got a response but I haven’t read it. I’m scared that I might try or feel worse. I was so upset when I found out that I can’t take a “suck it up”. I’m sure the email doesn’t say that but it may as well.

Despite the office being closed for a holiday, I worked 3 hours today. It won’t be overtime for me since I’m off for an almost 4 day weekend but even an extra few dollars is better than nothing, right? Besides I did it because:

1. We don’t have a lot of overtime opportunities (mostly due to the current economy)

2. Even though I won’t see much change in my paycheck, more $ will go to my 401k* since that is pre-taxed.

3. Sometimes I just need to GET OUT OF THE HOUSE.

I also went to the gym after work. I feel quite accomplished. 🙂  I was a little depressed or overwhelmed yesterday. I should never had done that to-do list. I did do some of it but I know me and I know that pressure overwhelms me. Ugh, I just wasted so much time feeling like crap. Yes I wish I could do things I feel a normal 29 year old could do. But it ain’t happening.

Instead of that crappy bio, I’m thinking of writing down new things I’ve done in 2010 under the courageous badge. Going to work and the gym on a holiday while SOMEONE ELSE WAS THERE, seems like it should go under that. I had to get up from my desk to breathe. I really need to breathe when other people are around but I haven’t been able to do that yet.

*401k – I don’t know why I care about this. I’m pretty sure I won’t be alive to use it. I think my reasoning is: Don’t save anything extra for retirement (because I’ll be dead) but put money in my 401k because the company matches it. So why not?

I’m going to a church??!

I’ve been on hold with the insurance company for 25 minutes. I think they are charging me too much for mental health visits. I know the copays have gone up for most people (except teachers in our state– they have the lowest copays! $20 to a specialist and $10 for their primary doctor. I would love that. Who wouldn’t? Uh, yes most of them with any experience make more than me so don’t go there.)

30 minutes and counting…

On March 7 I’m going to a church. No, not a Christian Church. LOL. NOTHING is going to stop me. Only a physical illness could stop me. Working 40 hours around people has always been my excuse for not doing anything that involves people on the weekend. I have a hard time understanding how a person can go to work and then go to church on Sunday! Who knows what they did on Saturday? That is too much stimulation for me.

When I was unemployed, I would have to go out at least once a week. In the summer, walking around the neighborhood was enough. I am very much a loner but I need some stimulation…even if it is just a grocery store. I don’t get lonely, I would call it bored. But since I’m around people mon-fri, I’m OVERstimulated. I don’t feel a need to do anything outside of my house on the weekends.

35 minutes. Still on hold….

I’ve never been near this church. I don’t know exactly where it is. But I’m committed to going. I would like to go to the service at least once a month. And they have documentary movie Friday twice a month. I’m a documentary freak so going to that once a month would be nice. (As long as no discussion is required – I hate talking. LOL). IF I like this church, I would like to do some volunteer stuff with them. It is easier when working with a group. I’ve done the solo volunteering thing and I felt like a circus freak except when the girl from Russia was working with me. (She was living with a host family and volunteering while she was here).

40 minutes on hold. I’m on my cell. I have limited minutes!

I’m committed. This is my courageous year???! Even if I had a bad work week and the thought of people make me want to poke pins in my eyes, I will still go. I wanted to just go to the newcomer’s meeting but there is a service right before that so…I feel like proper protocol is to go to the service and the meeting. Not that I really care about protocol. The main reason I’m going on March 7th is for the newcomer’s meeting.

45 minutes on hold…if they have fuck. Fuck. Answer the goddamn phone! I should hang up because it is probably due to the snow on the east coast. In DC, some people can’t get to work because there is no shuttle service or metro. Sigh. I’m just worried about going over. Should I really hang up after being on hold for 45 minutes? ::silence::

I’m scared to go to this new church but there is a quote that goes, “My life will be more interesting if I do this then if I don’t” so I will at least go to the meeting. Not excited or that interested in the service so I’m going to need to hype myself up for that. I will blog about other concerns later. Trust me, I have a lot of issues with churches…even when it isn’t a Christian Church.

Well 50 minutes holding. Wasting minutes. Fuck. Someone answered but guess what the women at the office told me to call the wrong number. And he couldn’t just transfer me. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

One more thing: I went to work late today so I did some de-cluttering. I got rid of two whole boxes! *cheer* Too bad, I couldn’t find the one thing I was looking for. But so far I have two boxes and two trash bags to take out. Yay!

Oh god, I got through to the other number easily. Bad news. It costs me $25 more to go to see anyone in mental health. That is unusual. Who copay goes up by $25 in one year? Yes prevent people from going to see mental health providers. GOOD MOVE. LOL. They have no idea what they are doing. I am now cutting back big time on that. Sucks. I was just getting excited about going twice a month. Guess I should’ve been a teacher but that involves talking…


And what if I went over my minutes. Wah. This sucks. Suckity. Suck. Suck.

Have a nice day! I’m taking a nap. Got to do long hours tomorrow if I can get out of bed early. It is so hard getting up in the winter. In the summer/spring, I don’t have this problem. And I’m pretty sure I’m becoming a night person or maybe this is related to winter too. Around 11pm, I have so much energy and nothing to do with it. Haha.

Longest. Entry. Ever. tata

cho did have social anxiety

I’ve been saying that all along. Well since day 2. It was obvious to me as soon as people spoke of him after the shootings. I’m sure he had other issues but when I look over some of his medical docs, it comes back to social anxiety. (I just read what Spikol posted in her blog. I’m sure there is a lot more.)

I hate when people say something should have been done. Um, MILLIONS of people feel or have felt isolated. depressed and/or socially anxious. 99% of these people don’t kill anyone. Some kill themselves. What exactly should we do?

Besides stop teasing, making fun and gossiping about these um, “weird types”? What a concept. (Cho’s college roommates admit to making fun of him. And I know it wasn’t only them.). 😦

Blame anyone but ourselves…right?