Cause I’m feeling like hell

I’m Binging suicide and psychology Master’s programs. Which one will I choose? Probably not the latter. I don’t know man. My week vacation could not come at a better time. I have almost no motivation to work.

Then last night the people in back of me* made noise ALL night. This is unusual. I hope it remains unusual. I had to sleep in my living room. At least -unlike an apartment- I have somewhere to escape. But I really didn’t sleep well at all. I woke up every hour. I’m not shocked I can still hear noise despite not having neighbors. You can’t run from a problem and expect it to completely disappear. It doesn’t take a genius to figure that out. So I knew it was coming.

*At least I think it is the people in back of me. I don’t have people to the side of me so I’m guessing it has to be them but it could be the people on the other side of the road. I don’t know.

I know what suicide entails so don’t ask me why I’m searching the net for it.

Somebody speak to me, ‘cause I’m feeling like hell. Need you to answer me, I’m overwhelmed. I need a voice to echo, I need a light to take me home. I need to star to follow, I don’t know


Just to clarify two things (cause I’m sure people give a damn – lol)

When I said my PTSD is bad, I mean for me. I’m not comparing it to other people. I don’t have nightmares or vivid flashbacks. etc.

And when I tweeted about being bummed that the GRE costs $185….I’m not really pissed. Well it does suck but I’m not 100% sure I want to get my Master’s. My manager sort of planted that seed so I’m just doing research. One thing I have found out is that I would have to do it online. The local schools either only offer PHDs or I would have to go full-time etc.

If I do decide to get my Master’s: I’m torn between regular psychology and forensic psychology. Plain psychology is broader so if I’m unsure, I should go with that. OTOH, I’ve written essays in this blog about how I would like to help people in prison so forensic psychology sort of makes sense.

Just a thought or maybe a hidden dream. I dunno.

The M.S. in Forensic Psychology can help prepare you to find work in a variety of positions, including:

  • Case manager
  • Clinical or program director
  • Correctional officer
  • Court liaison
  • Expert witness
  • Forensic treatment specialist
  • Jury consultant
  • Law enforcement advocate
  • Researcher
  • Victim advocate

I would not want to be an expert witness. Just sayin’.



I went to the park near my house yesterday. I like. 🙂 It has a ton of water which is all I ever really want anyway. I was supposed to be exercising but I spent half of my time journaling and reading on my Kindle. I’ll definitely go back next week.

I did take a break on the apartment thing. I’m going to post it again tomorrow in another section. I am also considering putting it in the newspaper. That will cost anywhere from $40 – $60. So I don’t know…I just wish people would get that I live 20 minutes away from my apartment  (time and a ton of gas going back and forth) and I don’t want to keep showing it to people who are just looking. Serious inquiries only!

perfectly alone

The AC hasn’t gone out but it is 81 degrees in here so something ain’t right. heh. Today was the hottest day. It has to be a record. I was supposed to take my dog to get her nails trimmed but I decided it was too hot. Sorry pup…maybe next weekend? And I’m not mowing the lawn either. I don’t care how bad it looks. It has to be below 95 before I’ll get the mower out.

Today I realized I have two finals next week. I thought I only had one. This sucks. If I were more organized, I would have known. I’m taking one on Wednesday and one on Saturday. I’m not ready for either.

Speaking of school, I’ve decided to take the fall semester off! It was a hard decision – well not financially. It really was more about money then anything. Anyhow, I’m really looking forward to reading books for fun! What a novel concept. I cannot wait. First up, will probably be The Promise (the book about Obama’s first year of presidency). I had it on my to read list – the list is over 500 books long – but I didn’t want to read it anytime soon. But my dad gave it to me so I’m going to delve in. People have raved about it. I’m interested to know what could possibly be so *new* about Obama’s first year…after all I do follow the news but I’ll read it anyway.

My job will pay for an associates, a BA, Masters or PHD. They won’t pay for my certification. I talked to one school about their associate program. It sounded interesting and wow, I’ll get reimbursed! Then I told her I had my BA and she said, “Why would you want to go back?? I always say go forward.” Ummmmmmm, a Masters won’t do shit for me. I would only get one if I could take 1 class a semester and be reimbursed. That would take forever but I don’t hate school…

So I did look into getting my Masters again. I looked at the classes and found most of them boring. I have zero desire to be a manager. I see what they do everyday. *yawn* I’ll take my job with much less pay. I wish I could be a teacher. But with this standardized test BS and my inability to um, speak – not an option. Of course one day, I’m going to be “fine” and say I wish I would have gotten my Masters in Education or in whatever I wanted to teach.

I’m not counting on that ever happening. But it could. And if I get the teaching bug, I would probably get into tutoring. I would rather get an associates or another BA but first I have to get finish with what I’m doing now. Winter 2011, I’m all in.

I have finals next week and instead of studying I’ve been captivated by a blog – Childfreedom. How could I not heard of this blog before?? I can relate to so much of it. It’s so funny because it’s true. Comedy. Let me backtrack a little: All of my life I have wanted a house full of animals. Dogs, birds, guinea pigs, pigs, fish, sheep, cats etc. But this past weekend with the Mayer concert, I am now rethinking even getting a dog. (My dog lives with my mom. I got her when I was 18 then went away to college at 20. Boring story…) If I had just one dog, I would have to board the dog. That’s more $. Besides I want two dogs. Not happening. I think I realized it this past weekend more than ever because things were more spontaneous than I’m used to. I tend to try to plan things out. I’m so glad my 4 year old cat can take care of herself. I guess the dream of having a zoo won’t be happening….ever. 😦 Of course if I can’t have my dream zoo, NO KIDS.

Back to the blog: The funniest is The Bitch and Backpedal. Parents do this alllll the time. That is why I’ll try (very hard) never to say, “that’s why I have/want kids.” Because they will take back everything they said. And talk about how great being a parent is. Yeah right. You aren’t fooling me. Excerpt:

And then, without thinking, it slips out of you. “Man, I am so glad I don’t have kids.”

That is the trigger for The Backpedal. Abruptly the gears come to a screeching halt and the parent reverses into an alternate self, like the little girl in The Exorcist after the demon is exorcised from her, or Sybill when she switches between her multiple personalities. Their entire demeanor changes. Their face softens and takes on a glowy hue. Suddenly parenthood isn’t bad at all. In fact, it’s downright peachy! It’s the most important job in the world and they can’t imagine having any other life. You really don’t know what you’re missing. Those little moments when the child says, “I love you mommy and daddy” make it so worth it. There is nothing like the feeling of those little arms around your neck. It is a love that is stronger than any love they have ever felt. They are a better person for having kids – they have grown so much as a person and aren’t so selfish anymore. The entire human race is better off because they have kids. Being a parent is so wonderful and their most important and gratifying role in life. (At this point, they’re worried you aren’t buying it, so to bolster their position they whip out the photo album

LOL. So true. Ah, parents, gotta stand them. 🙂 I’m on to you guys. I’m not being fooled.

I don’t care what other people do with their lives. But the whole entitlement thing is what really pisses me off. I try not to think about it. PARENTING IS A CHOICE. You chose to have a kid. I don’t think you are a good person because you have a kid – where does that BS come from? I have to laugh at it. Um, yeah I made a choice to have a kid(s), and now I’m forced to deal with their crap for 18+ years. Yeah it sucks but you know it was a CHOICE right???? People act like they just had to do it. It is the weirdest thing to me.

Know what really grates on my nerves? The Motherhood Badge of Martyrdom that some women wear emblazoned on their being. It can be spotted from a mile away. Women who wear this badge like to portray themselves as some kind of saintly beings for all they sacrifice in their role as mother.

For some reason, this behavior is not only tolerated from mothers, it’s expected and reinforced. Always there is this perception of mothers as self-sacrificing saints, who give tirelessly of themselves for the benefit of others. The longer they stand on their martyr pedestal, the more we are supposed to recognize how hard they work, how wonderful they are and bow down to worship them appropriately. This is such a crock of BS.

Now I’m getting worked up! Read more of that entry here.

Childfree people (by choice*) go check out Childfreedom. You will find a little solace there. There are people like you! They know they have a CHOICE whether to have a kid. They THINK about it.

*I believe childfree is the term used for when it is always a CHOICE. While people who want kids (one day) are childless. I didn’t make up the terms. I do love childFREE though because yeah, I probably have a little more freedom than some parents because I CHOSE not to have children. I don’t think I have anymore money though…In my last post I said I don’t identify by gender, sexuality or ethnicity but I do identify very much as childfree…MAYBE BECAUSE IT IS A CHOICE???!!! Seriously I think it is because children and parenting get shoved down everyone’s throat so much. Don’t tell me how great it is. I know you are lying. I’m not dumb. It sucks a lot.

But unlike some, I realize people are different and some people choose to have kids. They thought about it. They enjoy it. Baffling I know, but these people do exist. I could care less what whether a person has a kid or not but please stop trying to convert others with “It is the best thing you’ll ever do!” etc. Oh, really?? Because deciding not to have kids has been my best (non) decision ever.
I’m going to study for an hour and go to bed. Uh, I mean that is my plan.

go back to school?

I’m just thinking out loud. Assuming the company’s policy doesn’t change due to the economy, they will reimburse us for classes towards a degree. A year ago I was working on a certificate. The company won’t pay for that (even though it is much cheaper) because it isn’t a degree. I was planning on taking my 2nd class this summer.

I have a BA. It would take less time to get another BA. Or should I go the master’s route, which has sooo many cons.
-Where I’m I going to get references? (#1 prob)
-I’m not sure what to major in.
-It is very expensive. (Yes the school will reimburse but will I be at this company FOREVER?)
-I would have to take and pass the GRE. (or whatever it is called)
-I’ve already joked that getting a master’s would make getting a job harder. (Not a joke. I have a hard time getting jobs because I have a BA. They’re like “What are you doing here if you have a degree??” Trust me, it is hard being taking seriously when you are applying for ‘non-college’ job.)

On the other hand getting a BA in what?? I still don’t know what I want to do. I think I would like the challenge of biology or getting a master’s in psychology research. It’s pathetic that I’m still in the “I don’t know what I want to do mode?”

Well let me dream for a second. I would love to go out into the wild and study wild animals. I don’t know anything about that. Is that freelanced? lol. Do I get hired? Am I out there alone?

Anyway, it would take forever to get a BA or a master’s because I’d only take a class or two a semester. I know I could always be a teacher (and make my mom happy) but there are so many cons to that too. I’ll do another list:
-my communication skills
-I’m scared to stand in front of people
-I would rather teach kids under 10 but I have no desire to deal with the few nutso parents. 😉 So that leaves junior high or high school when they are ruined by the environment. How cynical. ( I know both groups have the “my child is perfect” parent but I feel like I would see them more with the little kids..
-The whole standardized test thing has got to go. I hate it. Having your kids pass doesn’t mean you are a great teacher or vice versa. The whole system angers me.
-I would hate to fail a child even though I would because it is for the best of the child.
– The teenagers would laugh at me but that’s okay, I’m used to that. 🙂

However, I have always enjoyed teaching. I love making up tests and checking them. In second grade, I told my teacher that I wanted to be a teacher and she tried to talk me out of it. THANKS. I still don’t know what that was about. I was 7 or 8 making A’s. I never got into trouble…weird.

So I’m going to think about this more. Go over the pro and cons in my paper journal. I only want to hurry because I don’t have much time to make a decision. I was planning to sign up for my class (@ community college) in less than 30 days.