Winter: You run me down restless and wild

OMG. AWKWARD.

I had my telephone meeting with my manager. LOL. It didn’t go well….according to HER.

I hope our conversation is better next time.

WTF? $%#$ OuchOuchOuch! I did try to come up with something to say but I didn’t have any questions. It was a disaster. Shocking! I don’t have any social skills. I’m laughing about it now but oh dear!

I did type some things to say. I didn’t want it to be awkward. I tried to plan. Only one of my sayings worked. Oh god. Talking and I don’t get along. Ugh, I can’t email either. It is a communication thang.

I do have one question for next time but it isn’t really work related so I froze up when it came across my mind while we were “talking”. But next time I will just ask it. Who knew she wanted questions? I thought she was going to tell me things. (Duh?)

————

The last time I weighed myself was in October. I weighed 135. I wasn’t pleased with that. Now I know I weigh at least 140. SOBS. I get weighed against my will tomorrow. I so don’t wanna know. I always gain weight in the winter (not this much!). I hibernate when it is cold. I don’t leave my house if I don’t have to.

I’m going to try not to freak out tomorrow when I see the number. I already have my exercise plan for when it is warm*. I’m going to walk around the neighborhood. I hope I don’t see people. I just find the treadmill so boring. I can only do a mile before I want to pluck my eyes out but I love nature. I just have to get over my fear of running into people. I will continue with weight lifting.

(*Warm enough is 55 degrees at 7AM.)

I have been doing sit-ups and a little yoga at home this winter.  Btw, it doesn’t help that my house is cold. The last thing I want to do is take off all my layers to do yoga. I haven’t been going to the gym regularly. It isn’t really about the number but I know I’m not healthy at 140+ lbs.  I would love to be 130 pounds, exercising regularly, and eating all right (ha!). That would be healthy.

IT WILL HAPPEN. 🙂 I have to do a lifestyle change.

Boom. Gone.

Thank G-d I was rereading Wayne Dyer’s Your Sacred Self on Saturday. If I had not been, the day probably would have been a disaster.  Instead I was calm and forgivable. I understand that she is just acting this way due to her circumstances. I get that. But that doesn’t mean I’m not going to vent. 😉

She has no patience anymore. She’s irritable almost all the time. She is resentful. If I were living her life, I would probably be the same way or maybe worse! So I do get it. What this has taught me is to never be in that situation. Don’t give your life to someone else. That is just a recipe for misery and resentment. In most cases but not always, there is a better solution.

What if I thought in black and white? What if I didn’t understand that people just react to their circumstances?*  What if I just cast her off as a mean person? What if I thought this was who she really was? What if I judged her harshly instead? I’D BE GONE. That would be a huge loss to her because I do a lot for her.

I will admit that I do see less of her because she is almost always stressed out. And I don’t need that. I don’t want that. etc.

*I should say regular, non-enlightened everyday folk…like me!

I rarely reread books but Your Sacred Self used to be one of my bibles. I recently brought the Kindle version because I can’t find my print edition (and I was desperate for inspiration). That sucks because I had so many passages outlined in that book. Now I’m highlighting again as I go along so I can have the quotes on my Kindle. Btw, I brought the original from Barnes & Nobles so I won’t be able to buy it for a low price using Amazon’s matchbook service. I can’t wait for that to start. I check the site daily.

———–

This new manager thing is UGH! He sent me a cryptic email after I agreed to work OT tomorrow. I didn’t even want to work it but I just did it so maybe I could get a day off in November. Doing things for the wrong reason is always a bad idea. Anyway, I just want a day off in the future. This no time off thing is not working for me. Tomorrow is going to be a looooong day and I don’t even thinks he wants my help even though he asked for it. (???)

Frustrated.

I am also frustrated with the wheat free thing. I am doing wheat free and no processed foods. All of a sudden I’m sick of all the food I’ve been eating for the past 5 weeks. I need new breakfast options or I might quit. I don’t know. I will never eat bread again but I am questioning how bad wheat really is for me. I do believe the research but I might just ignore it. 😉

And I was thinking of doing a wheat free, sugar free cleanse. ROFL. Not happening.

I still can’t accept that I’m not a fit

I just got back from a strength training class. Feels good. But I have to work on a new working out schedule…and stick to it. I want to say that I’m over my weight but if I were to gain 3 pounds, I would be in freakout mode. NO I’m not done with trying to lose weight. I want to and will lose 7 pounds. Yeah. One day. ha.

I need to stick to  a meal plan. I was doing so good but then I got lazy. I’m still eating much healthier now that I’m wheat free.

———–

I’ve been lucky. I have always liked and got along with my managers. Always…until now maybe. SCREAM. I don’t know what is really going on. I’m still temporarily helping out another department so I’m not in the loop. I do know that the company hired a new manager from the outside. I also know that he is trying to limit the time off we take.

WAIT! I didn’t take any time off in July and August. Fuck that. I need time off. I don’t take  time off in the summer. I take it in the fall and winter and now this new guy is saying “No time off”. WTF? We aren’t used to that at all. I know I’m not the only one trying to figure out what this new guy is doing.

The second issue is of course he doesn’t get it. lol. He’s new!! He doesn’t know how to do our work. I can’t get into all of it. I’ll just say this guy is bringing MORE pressure when I was already complaining about it before.

5 months ago, I didn’t care if I lost my job. (Of course I would’ve been stressed about how to pay rent…) I was done. Then I took a $5000 loan from my 401k to pay rent at two places. If I lose my job, I have to pay all of it back immediately. Um………..Yeah, that sucks. I need this job.

Stress.

Overwhelmed by the work.

And I can’t take time off in October? :/

I was a little depressed over the weekend. It is mostly about work. If work is going fine, I’m fine (most of the time). I also feel like my social anxiety is getting worse. It could just be the gym environment. I don’t know. I’m probably over analyzing every situation at this point. I shouldn’t have watch the short documentary on social anxiety. The next day I stuttered like never before.

Like I said in my paper journal:

Does going out and working out make it better? Probably. But a shitty day is still a shitty day.

FWIW, today was a decent day compared to last Friday. I hate not knowing. I have never met the new manager. He doesn’t know me and I don’t know him. This is a strange situation.

And then there’s the animal shelter situation. I have decided to not volunteer this week. Too many people. Maybe I should just let it go. Maybe I’m not needed. I definitely don’t feel like they are appreciative of anything I’ve done. I think I will try one more time. Perhaps the last time was a fluke.

This entry is just an overview of what’s been going on the past week. There’s more but maybe I’ll talk about that later. No rereading. Just publish.