Saved me from my inner strife

At least I know why my breasts always hurt! I have so many little cysts in each breast. They offered to drain them (probably not today). But I said no because they probably would reappear and I don’t want to go back to another doctor for a procedure. PLUS, I don’t know if the procedure hurts. So I’d rather live with my breast pain than get some weird draining procedure. The pain is not that bad. It’s just annoying.

However, the 3D mammogram hurt! WTF? I had a 3D one in 2015, and it didn’t hurt at all. I took pain medicine before the one in 2015. I did not take any pain meds this time. How dumb of me!! I thought mammograms didn’t hurt so I said, “I’ll just try it without the pain meds.” Um, not the right decision. Next time I will take pain meds.

Well, I’m glad that’s over. I shouldn’t have to get another mammogram for a few years unless my GYN sends me to get another one. Please stop sending me! I just have cysts! A lot of little, painful cysts. The end!

I have been eating badly these past 3 weeks. I’m afraid to weigh myself. The last time I weighed myself was just before I started eating horribly. I weighed 138. I guess I weigh more now. I did walk a LOT on my vacation, so maybe that helped. I think the most I walked was 6 miles on one of the days. (No foot pain!)

I can’t easily use my treadmill because I have to always watch my dog. Sad, but true. So I end up leaving him outside for 15 minutes while I get on the treadmill. That’s a problem because he barks the whole time. (Scared to use a bark collar on him for various reasons). I don’t have really close neighbors, but the ones I do have can hear my dog. That must be so annoying.

So I don’t get on my treadmill when 1.) I have my period 2.) when it’s raining, and I can’t leave my dog outside and 3.) when I don’t want to annoy my neighbors with my barking dog. That pretty much leaves NO days to get on my treadmill. lol. I did get on the treadmill on Thursday evening while leaving my dog outside. If I could get on every other day, I would be happy.

When it gets consistently warm (and stops raining!), I will do yoga outside. My dog doesn’t usually bark when I’m out there with him, so that’s not an issue. But I consider yoga relaxation and not exercise. I know it can be both. Since I think my period is over, I might go to yoga on Saturday. No promises. 😉

This week I…

Music of the week: Mary J. Blige, Michelle Branch, Rascal Flatts, Lea Michele, Nelly Furtado, Ingrid Michaelson, Joseph

TV of the week:  Survivor, House of Cards

How do sports fans live without cable?? I’m dying. I know there are options. I’m not paying money just to watch sports (that’s what I’m saying now). I also miss cable news, but not as much as I miss sports, of course. There are tons of ways to watch the news. I miss cable already. 😦 I guess it will take time to get used to it.

Movie of the week: None

Books of the week: 
Still reading  A Course in Weight Loss: 21 Spiritual Lessons for Surrendering Your Weight Forever by Marianne Williamson,  A Course in Miracles and  A Course in Miracles Made Easy: Mastering the Journey From Fear to Love by Alan Cohen.

Planner update: Plans of the week in my Erin Condren


Plans for the Weekend: Nothing special planned for the 3 day weekend. I plan to study more than ever. My certification test is on June 17 at 7:30 AM. I know how hard this test is and how few people passed on the first try because this is a relatively new certification, so there aren’t a lot of study guides out there. I just have to take it to see what’s on it. Of course, I hope I know enough to pass on the first try.

I might go to yoga on Saturday. I hope my sunflower blooms so I can post pics of it. I want to be a proud sunflower mama. haha. I planted two sunflowers, but I think one got eaten by an animal which is not surprising. So I have all my hope in this one flower.

So yeah, I’m just studying, and I have to return my cable equipment through UPS. Exciting life. Thanks for reading! Have a great weekend. 🙂


I had a mammogram today. It didn’t hurt AT ALL. Would I do it without taking Motrin beforehand? Nah, I don’t want to take that chance. I had about 4 x-rays of each breast. I lost count. I went under the machine at least 8 times. The radiologist wanted more x-rays after seeing the first set.  No pain. And I have tiny breasts.

The ultrasound hurt more than the mammogram. Ugh, why do my breasts hurt so much??! Well………………..

At least it is NOT cancer. It is benign! Say what, bitches? BENIGN.

Thank Buddha. Sometimes I want to die, but not by cancer.

I’m relieved. I do not have to get another mammogram for five years. 🙂 Party over here. Yep, I danced when I got home.

Apparently I have a few benign breast calcifications and a few cysts.

I’m going to take a nap. I just wanted to post my results in the most obnoxious way possible. 😉

There’s a little black hole in my golden cup


I could kill the PCP I saw 5 years ago. I’m not sexually active. So why am I getting painful pap smears? THAT’S BULLSHIT. I may never get another one. Why should I? Chances of me getting cervical cancer are extremely low. Yes, it can happen but I’ll take that chance. OMG. I can’t believe I subjected myself to that last week when I didn’t have to…Okay, I’m slightly thankful because she found the lumps in my breasts*.

*I don’t do my own breast exams because I’m scared and I’m a slight hypochondriac. I would feel something there even if it weren’t there. So it isn’t best for me to examine myself.  I thought I had HIV for years when I was a kid.

That PCP could’ve told me that I didn’t have to get regular pap tests. That is why I changed PCPs, btw. I was going in for a regular checkup and she ended up doing the most painful pap test. It was not good.

Anyway…no more OB/GYN visits for me. I will get mammograms…if I must. sigh. I doubt I do them annually, but I will probably go. But no more pap smears. Nah. Don’t need them. Celebrate good times! Who knew there were upsides to being a virgin? That is the BEST thing about it. Score one point for me. Ugh, I can’t believe no one told me this fantastic news.

I guess I should add that a pap smear isn’t painful to non-virgins. It is apparently just ‘uncomfortable’. So carry on.


I scheduled the ultrasound and mammogram for Monday. She would have laughed at me if I suggested October 7th. She didn’t want to give me a date 2 weeks out. Due to the breast pain, I do feel I have cancer. But I won’t know until next week. My main concerns involve chemo. Can I drive myself? My mom doesn’t drive. I don’t have friends. How would I get there? Could I still live alone? (I wouldn’t be able to afford it with a pay cut of any kind).

I know this is nuts, but I want to learn about all the alternatives to chemo. Can I do natural treatments with the chemo? I’m 5 minutes away from loading up my Amazon wishlist with books about cancer. Like I said, all of this would be moot if the cancer is incurable. I’m just assuming it is. If it isn’t. I travel. I have fun until I die.

I’m already obsessed and I haven’t even been diagnosed with anything! AHHHHH!

I’m not telling anyone I think it’s cancer. What’s the point? They don’t know about the pain. The pain is right where the masses are. One reason not to tell people after a diagnosis is because they will have an opinion on treatment. What if I don’t want treatment? I will definitely think long and hard about it.

If it sounds like I’m being blase about it, I’m not. My uncle died from colon cancer. He went through chemo. I saw him weeks before he died. I get it.

Gotta go. Today is gonna be a loooong day.

all that we could do with this emotion

Oh god. The universe misread my wish. Sort of. I had my first OB/GYN experience today. I have TWO cysts/lumps in my breasts. One in each one. Fuck. No, that’s not the bad news. The bad news is that I have to get a mammogram. Fuck me. NO. I don’t wanna. A mammogram is almost as scary as a pap smear to me. But nothing can be as painful as a pap smear, right? I don’t want a machine touching my breasts. I almost died having her touch them.

I don’t know what I’m going to do. I could ignore it. I’m not scared of dying. Death is a gift. So why get the mammogram? Well, I guess I would rather know if I had cancer and was dying. Isn’t that the point? I have to know I’m dying so I can do whatever I want. If I just keel over tomorrow, what’s the point? I need to know I’m dying. That makes sense (in my mind). I’m off for 3 days in October. I may delay it until then. That’s the plan for now.

After the breast check and pap smear (in that order), I was crying. Not bawling but tears were coming down my face. She asked whether everything was alright. UM, you just told me I have to get something I never wanted to get done done. AND you stuck something up my vagina and it hurt. So no, I’m not okay. Thanks for asking.

Yes, I did ask the universe for some intervention for death….However, I assumed the universe knew I wanted a bad pap smear result not breasts issues. I thought I made that clear. What can I do? I really don’t want to get a mammogram. Have I said that? I do want to make that clear.

One more thing: I have never done a breast exam. I could have had these cysts for YEARS. I could have cancer. It could have spread. I just looked on WebMD. So I don’t know. And then they say cysts rarely mean cancer then why do I have to get a mammogram? Whatever.

I ran out of that office. I will not be going back within the next 3 years…unless I have to.

I know people all around the world (and yes, that includes America) are suffering and here I am posting about this. Yeah, I know. I follow the news. Too closely.


I started working on my novel. I’m already doubting everything. Page #1 would offend most people. They would throw the book or Kindle across the room and never pick it back up.  I know I shouldn’t worry so much about that. Who cares? It is only page 1. But my story is about that. I need it to be there. I think I’m going to write around it and see how far I can get. More on this later or maybe not.


I broke up with my boyfriend today and I don’t really care. I’ve got worse problems.

This week I…

Music of the week:  Carly Rae Jepsen, Luther Vandross, Tori Kelly, Shura, Jordin Sparks, Laura Welsh, Bea Miller, Taylor Swift

Song of the week: Carly Rae Jepsen – Making the Most of the Night

FULL STOP.  Go buy Carly Rae’s album. Right now!! (Or at least listen to it on a streaming site). It is genius! I love good pop. I live for good pop. I don’t even know much about her music prior to this album. This has to be nominated for Album of the Year at the Grammys or at least Best Pop Album. The sound is very 80s. I happen to hate 95% of 80s music, but I love her album. Soooo good. You’re welcome. See, I’m not totally useless.

I need to stop buying music. That is what Spotify is for. I’m trying to pay off debt and only buy what I need, but I had to have Carly’s album. I saved about $3.00 by buying the regular album instead of the deluxe version. The extra tracks aren’t as good as what is on the real album. Love her. Thank Buddha for her. 🙂 🙂 🙂 Totally needed her music this week.

TV of the week: Big Brother, Curb Your Enthusiasm, U.S Open

Rooting for Serena and Federer.

Movies of the week:  None

Books of the week:  Still reading The Power of 100! Kickstart Your Dreams, Build Momentum, and Discover Unlimited Possibility by Shaun King  and  Luther: The Life and Longing of Luther Vandross by Craig Seymour. I started Maybe Someday by Colleen Hoover. The names are very soap operish. LOL. But the book is good so far. Easy, quick read.

Planner update:

plans o' the week
plans o’ the week

I want to get a lot of reading done this weekend. I will also work on Saturday for no extra pay, of course. I completely forgot Monday was a holiday. I don’t want to be behind. I want to get some serious writing done. Just relax. 🙂

almost 30

Nurse on phone: Have you had a pap smear or mammogram?

Me: NO

Nurse: Have you had a mammogram?

Me: NO

Nurse: (baffled) Have you had a pap smear?

Me: NO

I’m only turning 30 on Sunday. Am I really supposed to have already had a mammogram? Seriously? I know the doctors or someone said recently to wait until 40 unless you have a history. That caused a storm. So I guess it is 30? wah. When I first heard about them I knew I wouldn’t do it until 40 and um, that plan is still intact. This is another reason NOT to go to a doctor. Will she force me to take a mammogram? ::sigh:: I know I can’t be forced. Anyway, I don’t even have a doctor. I’m picking one tonight. Because the nurse is going to call me back in 30 days and I want to at least have that done.

Do I have to have a pap smear? Is that checking for cervical cancer? (I’ll google it) later. OMG. No gynecologist. When I was younger (in my teens) I think I planned to see a gyn in my 30s. hmm, maybe not.

Now do you see why I will never PHYSICALLY have a kid??? Never. My breasts are too small and I don’t care if people says it doesn’t hurt. I don’t want it done to me. Should I value my life more? Maybe. But I am going to school this summer and doing “stuff”……I just don’t want to know if I have cancer. I’d rather die. It’s like the people who smoke and say they would rather die happy. Except there isn’t a happy but youknowwhatimean.


I’m putting myself on a strict diet and budget cleanse. I don’t know if it is smart to do while traveling but I got some  Skechers shape-ups! Not for exercise. It is the only way I think I’ll be able to walk in NYC. We will be walking EVERYWHERE. No buses or subways. If I were there for a week, I would figure out the subway system. :/ I’m anxious about this. I used to get pain in my feet all the time when I was younger. It probably started at 12 or so. Then two years ago, I went to DC…horrible pain. I almost could not make it.  I probably had walked 3 miles when the pain started and then it continuously gets worse. I know I can walk a mile, probably two but after that my ankle joints (or whatever I have) goes nuts.

So I spent $100 on shape-ups. Guess who won’t be spending money in Manhattan? I ordered them and just got them after work. I’m leaving Sunday at 7AM. That is probably not enough time to wear in shape ups. Some people are lucky and they can wear them with no problems. I already feel my legs hurting. So my plan is to wear them Thursday – Saturday. That probably isn’t enough time but what else can I do? Plus I have a sedentary job, so it isn’t like I will be walking a lot at work but I do always take the stairs and I will walk during my lunch break etc.

I decided to risk it because people with flat feet and ankle pain gave it rave reviews. And I brought a half size up like most recommended. They fit and are comfortable but I haven’t really walked in them yet.

I’m only going on a diet/cleanse because I ate way too much today. I came home and watched “Slumdog Millionaire” and actually binged! Bad girl. I ate pizza…of all things. My digestive system doesn’t like pizza. So no more snacks or bad food. And plenty of walking. For some reason when I feel like I’m getting sick (a cold), I tend to eat a lot. As if that works on holding back the cold. It doesn’t! Cold-eeze works but I don’t have any.

I have to search for a doctor. The only requirements are close to home, female & taking new patients. I hope that is easy enough. I didn’t say I was going…………….