I don’t need friends to be happy

That was the name of a song I made up when I was 8 years old! I don’t remember all the lyrics but the chorus was:

I don’t need friends to be happy

I don’t need friends to be happy

I don’t need friends to be happy

LOL. I used to sing it to myself  during ‘playtime’ when I was on the swings. No one was around me so no need to feel self conscious about singing it.

This all comes back to the dog, of course. Sam Smith (singer) said that people told him to get a dog so he wouldn’t feel lonely while living alone in his flat. He ended up not keeping the dog when he realized that the dog was a pain in the ass and that HE WAS NOT THAT LONELY. Well that applies to me too. Of course I already know this. I’ve lived alone most of my adult life. I’ve NEVER been lonely. Never wanted someone to come home to….not even a pet.

Unlike Sam, I’m an animal lover so I’m not looking to give my pain in the ass dog away but he is testing me. When I heard Sam say that, I could relate so much.  It made me laugh hysterically….especially since I just got a new dog! Everyone doesn’t need someone in their house. I’m so territorial, I’m surprised I can even tolerate pets.

That is my childhood story. I knew at a very young age that people suck I don’t need people up my ass. hahaha.

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For International Gift Exchange Day, I got the best thing evah! Knitter’s Pride Deluxe Interchangeable Long Tip Needles!! I used them for the first time last night. They are soooo smooth. I love them. The needles are wooden and very colorful.  There are so many parts in the kit. I’m worried about losing something since I lose everything.

I’m unexpectedly off today. I finally get a chance to study and work on my practicum. Tomorrow I’m going to spin class. And that is all I have planned for the weekend. Have to get some cleaning in since I have the time.

Speaking of spin/going to the gym. I lost 2 pounds and have kept it off for three weeks….so that’s official! 😉  That probably seems like nothing but losing weight is hard.  I just want to get down to 135. I think it will be easier during the spring and summer. I have less than 8 lbs to lose. I can do this.

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Weekly

Music for the week: Mary J. Blige,  D’Angelo, Sam Smith, Ani DiFranco, Jason Mraz, Jessie J, Ariana Grande, Lea Michele

My top 20 albums of 2014 will be coming soon.

TV for the week: Pretty Little Liars, NBA basketball

Movie of the week:  I watched Stephen King’s Carrie.  Next I’ll watch the 1999 version. I saw that one in the theater. I remember really liking it. I haven’t seen it in over a decade.

Book of the week: Coming Clean: A Memoir by Kimberly Rae Miller

Knitting projects of the week:  No pics this week. My mom loved the cowl I made so much (pic in my last entry) that she wants me to make a bunch for next year’s Xmas presents! Of course anxiety steps in when I hear her say that cause the one I did make had mistakes. But if she is willing to buy most of the yarn, I’m willing to make a few cowls. I love making cowls, I just don’t need 15 of them for myself.

I’m working on my afghan, scarf and a lace project. The sweater is driving me nuts. I’ve ripped it out at least 3 times. I hate that yarn. It splits too easily. Sigh. I don’t know what’s going on with that.

Craftsy is having a supplies sale. It isn’t good as their Black Friday sale. I checked. But it is still awesome. I brought 3 hanks of yarn. I so can’t afford to keep doing this!!! Someone slap me. (I’m sure there are plenty of volunteers for that).  See below for links on the sale:

4 Days Only — ShopCraftsy’s Year-End Clearance Sale(sponsored post)Is your new year’s resolution to start a new craft project? Well you can get a jump start right now if you Shop Craftsy’s Year-End Clearance Sale! Starting Saturday 12/27, you can get up to 65% off ALL yarn, fabric and kits. Stock up while supplies last! Offer expires at midnight on December 30th, 2014 at 11:59 PM MT.Shop Craftsy’s Year-End Clearance Sale
Yarn – Craftsy’s Year-End Clearance Sale
Fabric – Craftsy’s Year-End Clearance Sale
Sewing Kits – Craftsy’s Year-End Clearance Sale

Bye.

nothing left to lose

I wish I would just die. What is the point of living? What is the point of living without being happy? I’ve been asking these questions since…forever. I know no one is happy all the time.

Sorry. I just think it is really dumb to live unhappily. Yes that means I’m being mega dumb. But give me points for trying to kill myself and I have tried to make my life better but being neurotic and having social anxiety and other maladies doesn’t help. At all.

I hear people say they are willing to die for freedom in Egypt*. I ask, “Hmmm, why? If you are dead, how are you going to know if you are dying for freedom? Don’t you want to enjoy the freedom? And do you really believe that a new regime = freedom?” But at least they stand for something. And why not die for what they think will happen. Perhaps their actions will help a future generation. I’m not that optimistic so….

*Of course this happens in every country.

Buddhism answers my questions. Sort of.

It is natural for the immature to harm others.
Getting angry with them is like resenting a fire for burning.

Why do I get so angry when they taunt/bait me? WHY? Well I guess I can answer that. It is because I feel as though I’m being punished for being a quiet, socially anxious, shy, loner. THAT IS ALL I AM — TO THEM. WHY SHOULD I BE PUNISHED FOR THAT? Dude, I have (and many others) have lost jobs over this shit. How can someone not be depressed when 89.5% of the world is against. Okay it is more like 98%.

I’M MAD AT YOU FOR TREATING ME LIKE THIS.

This does not mean that one should never take action against aggression or injustice! Instead, one should try to develop an inner calmness and insight to deal with these situations in an appropriate way. We all know that anger and aggression give rise to anger and aggression. One could say that there are three ways to get rid of anger: kill the opponent, kill yourself or kill the anger – which one makes most sense to you?

I’m the scapegoat. Can someone who has been in my situation (most likely a loner) tell me how to get through day to day? Please be neurotic too. Thanks.

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.

The destructive effects of hatred are very visible, very obvious and immediate. For example, when a strong or forceful thought of hatred arises, at that very instant it overwhelms one totally and destroys one’s peace and presence of mind. When that hateful thought is harboured inside, it makes one feel tense and uptight, and can cause loss of appetite, leading to loss of sleep, and so forth.

yes, yes, yes. now get into my mind and cure it. :/

Of course I’m not just angry. Today I was. Thank god I wasn’t PMSing today. It would have been worse. Every thought, feeling, & action would have been exaggerated. I would probably be thinking of quitting my job. I would be thinking extreme thoughts.

I shall post about my sadness another day. My cat wants to annoy me bond.

(all the quotes are buddhists quotes. Some straight from the the Buddha).

We are all the same

(yes the title of this post is from the very good book with that title. too lazy to link it).

I wasn’t going to blog today but this frustration has me in tears. It is not just the phones. It is the way my (our) situation is being handled. I’m sick of social beings and their inability to understand. They have no desire. They make really ignorant assumptions like, “it is about exposure”.

JNx did sales in person so doing it on the phone is nothing to her. She thinks that is our problem. Um, hello a person with social anxiety would not take a job that involves talking to people…much less SALES face to face! I would be homeless because even trying is a waste of time. (Thanks call center experience for ruining any hopes I ever had of taking any kind of call center job if absolutely necessary. I would never apply for a sales job. Should I do it to get my self esteem even lower?)

They don’t get it. They don’t care. They don’t have to. I wish I had there life. Sure they have funerals, weddings, and bar mitzvahs to attend…We don’t have that. Need something done? Call a friend. I have to pay for it and if it can’t be easily brought, I do without. I think it would hurt less if they didn’t make the ignorant comments. Plus they completely take their social skills for granted…as if they worked for it. Very few had to work on it.

I want to die. I don’t have the courage to do it. I sat at work like dead weight for an hour because I was so frustrated. I can’t take this much longer.

I will be on the phone tomorrow for a short time. IT WILL BE BETTER…as long as I don’t get a caller like caller #3 (see last entry).

I’m going to a church??!

I’ve been on hold with the insurance company for 25 minutes. I think they are charging me too much for mental health visits. I know the copays have gone up for most people (except teachers in our state– they have the lowest copays! $20 to a specialist and $10 for their primary doctor. I would love that. Who wouldn’t? Uh, yes most of them with any experience make more than me so don’t go there.)

30 minutes and counting…

On March 7 I’m going to a church. No, not a Christian Church. LOL. NOTHING is going to stop me. Only a physical illness could stop me. Working 40 hours around people has always been my excuse for not doing anything that involves people on the weekend. I have a hard time understanding how a person can go to work and then go to church on Sunday! Who knows what they did on Saturday? That is too much stimulation for me.

When I was unemployed, I would have to go out at least once a week. In the summer, walking around the neighborhood was enough. I am very much a loner but I need some stimulation…even if it is just a grocery store. I don’t get lonely, I would call it bored. But since I’m around people mon-fri, I’m OVERstimulated. I don’t feel a need to do anything outside of my house on the weekends.

35 minutes. Still on hold….

I’ve never been near this church. I don’t know exactly where it is. But I’m committed to going. I would like to go to the service at least once a month. And they have documentary movie Friday twice a month. I’m a documentary freak so going to that once a month would be nice. (As long as no discussion is required – I hate talking. LOL). IF I like this church, I would like to do some volunteer stuff with them. It is easier when working with a group. I’ve done the solo volunteering thing and I felt like a circus freak except when the girl from Russia was working with me. (She was living with a host family and volunteering while she was here).

40 minutes on hold. I’m on my cell. I have limited minutes!

I’m committed. This is my courageous year???! Even if I had a bad work week and the thought of people make me want to poke pins in my eyes, I will still go. I wanted to just go to the newcomer’s meeting but there is a service right before that so…I feel like proper protocol is to go to the service and the meeting. Not that I really care about protocol. The main reason I’m going on March 7th is for the newcomer’s meeting.

45 minutes on hold…if they have fuck. Fuck. Answer the goddamn phone! I should hang up because it is probably due to the snow on the east coast. In DC, some people can’t get to work because there is no shuttle service or metro. Sigh. I’m just worried about going over. Should I really hang up after being on hold for 45 minutes? ::silence::

I’m scared to go to this new church but there is a quote that goes, “My life will be more interesting if I do this then if I don’t” so I will at least go to the meeting. Not excited or that interested in the service so I’m going to need to hype myself up for that. I will blog about other concerns later. Trust me, I have a lot of issues with churches…even when it isn’t a Christian Church.

Well 50 minutes holding. Wasting minutes. Fuck. Someone answered but guess what the women at the office told me to call the wrong number. And he couldn’t just transfer me. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

One more thing: I went to work late today so I did some de-cluttering. I got rid of two whole boxes! *cheer* Too bad, I couldn’t find the one thing I was looking for. But so far I have two boxes and two trash bags to take out. Yay!

Oh god, I got through to the other number easily. Bad news. It costs me $25 more to go to see anyone in mental health. That is unusual. Who copay goes up by $25 in one year? Yes prevent people from going to see mental health providers. GOOD MOVE. LOL. They have no idea what they are doing. I am now cutting back big time on that. Sucks. I was just getting excited about going twice a month. Guess I should’ve been a teacher but that involves talking…

URGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

And what if I went over my minutes. Wah. This sucks. Suckity. Suck. Suck.

Have a nice day! I’m taking a nap. Got to do long hours tomorrow if I can get out of bed early. It is so hard getting up in the winter. In the summer/spring, I don’t have this problem. And I’m pretty sure I’m becoming a night person or maybe this is related to winter too. Around 11pm, I have so much energy and nothing to do with it. Haha.

Longest. Entry. Ever. tata

In other words…

Where I was 2 weeks ago

I am a different person when I am alone. I am me. Really me. No one but me will ever know this person. No one will ever know me. No one.

Have you ever heard of anyone who is content to be alone? I wish for that. I’m not there yet. It is unfortunately true that no man is an island. And with my music, where would I be without the audience, without all of your ears? My writing is deeply fulfilling, as is recording myself, but then the music needs to be heard and enjoyed and I need to know that it has been heard and enjoyed or else it feels like the circle has not been fully drawn. I’ve said this before and now I’ll say it again: I consider this – needing to know my music is appreciated and even loved – a character flaw.

But sometimes I feel that my life alone is so perfect and wonderful and ideal and utopian and sometimes I love my life, and by extension myself, so much that I can’t tolerate any sort of intrusion or visit by anyone into my perfect world; in my music world, even positive criticism can irritate when the work is misunderstood or not fully and properly consumed and digested and appreciated.

I lie in my bed at night and I think, “God, I fucking love my bed. It’s the most comfortable bed in the whole world. And I LOVE my flannel sheets and I love being warm in my bed on a cold snowy night and I love sleeping and I love dreaming and I love my hammer and my baseball bat and I loved what I ate for dinner and I loved Betty and I loved that guy and God how lucky I am/was to have had them for a short time in my life – they were like gravy on top of everything or like the most delectable icing on the life-cake and who the hell am I to ask for anything sweet to last forever, anyway?… I love the books I am reading now (the collected stories of Amy Hempel and also “The Fat Man in History” by Peter Carey) and I love that I can go to bed whenever I want and I love that I can get out of bed whenever I want and I love that I don’t have to say “Good morning” to anybody – that I don’t have to speak at all first thing in the morning, when I am usually in no mood for words – and that I don’t have to worry about morning breath and I love love love that I have no major health problems and I love getting older because with the passing of the years comes wisdom and better use of the shorter amount of time and I love that I am not worried or scared about getting older and I love that I still manage to bring in enough money to live without having a day job that I don’t love (thank you, people, for that) and I love that some people care a lot about what I do and I love that kind of new-ish Oasis song about the shock of the lightning and…and…and….etc.etc.etc.” Endless loves, I have.

When the days do not seem perfect I can let myself be led astray and/or hurt. Once in a while I get bored of order and calm – I get restless – or I get lonely (when I remember I am human) and I let myself get beaten down a little, but it’s sort of a game to me, like jumping in the boxing ring with someone a whole weight class or two above me. Just because it’s a game doesn’t mean that it doesn’t really hurt. It does. I bear the scars. And I still love each and every one of my sparring partners (I still love my enemy) who were fighting because we were both in the ring voluntarily at the same time and so none of them can be blamed for all of my (metaphorical) black eyes and busted lips and concussions and contusions and broken bones and brain damage.

-Juliana Hatfield
juliana