I can’t tell you where I’m bound

Me: Am I still in the running for the house?
Assistant: Yes

Me: Is there a move in date?
Assistant: No not yet

I really wish I could speak to the owner of the business. I know I wouldn’t have gotten those answers from her. She would have told me that the house should be ready the first week of May blah blah. She is rarely in the office. She is out showing houses etc. Only once when I came in was she there. She would assure me that everything is okay…if it is okay. Well at least I have a set place for at least a week.  I brought food for 2 weeks because I know where I will be for at least one full week. I’m at my mom’s house but I can’t help feel like I’m imposing. It used to be fine for me to be here but with my grandmother living here also…it is a strain.

But I’m hoping it is only for a week or maybe two. If I get the house, it isn’t like I can pick up and move that day. I wish! Anyway, the biggest issue for me now is should I apply for other houses? Since I’m undergoing a voluntary foreclosure (STRESS ALERT) it isn’t like I’m the easiest candidate.  The word “foreclosure” wasn’t on my credit report when I checked two weeks ago but soon it will be there. Then no one will rent to me. 😦 So I have to find a house ASAP. I think I will give them until May 6 before I turn in another application. I’ve already filled it out. I don’t know if I can wait until May 6 though. Patience.

May is normally my favorite month. It still could be. But it will definitely not be an easy month. I keep forgetting that I am supposed to be going camping with my dog on my birthday. I am leaving on May 14th and returning on May 16th. By then I plan on having some kind of house. I cannot wait for my “dreamhouse” forever. I get nervous each time they re-post the listing. Hello? Am I not enough? LOL. 🙂

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I took my laptop to get repaired on April 22. No phone calls. I called them on April 25. They hadn’t even looked at the thing!! Still no phone calls from them. I don’t know what to do. I guess I will call them on Tuesday to see if they have looked at it. So annoying. Normally I would be all over that but I have so much other stuff going on. Besides I think the laptop is dead now. I used to hear the fan when I pressed the power button but I stopped hearing that. bummer. It’s not like I can afford a new laptop at the moment. If someone rents my apartment quickly then I’ll buy one.

I’m going to make myself go to the Y twice this week. A ‘cardio extreme’ class sounds exactly what I need.  I’m also considering cancelling my membership if I get the house. My job gives me about 75% of my membership fees because I live more than 10 miles away from my job but if I get dreamhouse I will be living very close to work and I won’t get a dime.

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I heard two comments from two different mothers recently. I guess when you have kids you can do anything. You’re superwoman. When you have kids you don’t have time for things like jewelry. Such frivolous things! 😉 I don’t know what’s going on but drop it already. You chose to have kids. Whoopeeee!!! Good for you. If anyone ever wonder why childfree folks get mad sometimes, listen to women with kids talk to women without kids. Everything centers back to them being a mom.

Oh you CAN’T do this? I can. When you have kids you have to do ———. Oh you CAN do this? Must be nice. I have kids, I don’t have time for that.

LOL! Moms….sigh. Oh and I know all women with kids aren’t like this. Thank Buddha.

I’d be patient if I had the time

SIGH!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can’t take the wait or not knowing. WTF am I supposed to do? I could be packing when I’m actually in my apartment if I knew. Everything will be so rushed.

I’m sick of being a vagabond. From hotels (now motels) to my mom’s house. SCREAM.

As far as work is concerned this is a good time as ever to be in between places or whatever the fuck I am. I’m in the office for about 2 weeks. I HAVE TO FIND A PLACE TO LIVE BEFORE I START WORKING FROM HOME AGAIN. I tried working in my apartment and I wasn’t as successful. I sooooooooooo need this house in less than 2 weeks. I can’t keep moving from place to place. I am now in my apartment about one night a week. What if I don’t get the house or they push it back until June. Then what??

I have never wanted something so specific (this house) in my life. I hope the landlord finishes up his last install early. At first it was mid-April. Now it is the beginning of May. I can see why they want other applicants. Who would wait this long for a particular house? UGH!

I’m scared/nervous/anxious to be in my apartment. No one will understand this so I’m not even going to try to explain. I have my monthly therapy appointment in early May. O god, I wish I knew when.  I have training two days during the first week of May. To be honest cancelling wouldn’t be a horrible thing. I can’t even get a therapist to understand. (Hello?) I’m sick of her telling me not to be afraid of noise. It isn’t just the god damn noise!!!

Dammit, I just want the house…or to know I have the house. If I do get the house, I will try to rent out my apartment a month later (hopefully June). I have never done this before so I’m going in blind. My plan is to get at least 3 people to apply. Who knows how many people I will have to see to get 3 people or even just 2 people to even apply.

This entry is all over the place. I have to know but I can’t know. So what do I do? Just wait or come up with a realistic plan B? I think I will ask to stay with my mom for the next week. Then if I still don’t know or if I get denied for the house, I will have to go back to my apartment. THE HORROR! Please don’t let that happen. I can’t work there so that will be the worst possible outcome. (I mean I can work but it isn’t up to management’s standards).

Look at me now……….and I don’t even have to move yet or find someone to lease my apartment. The stress now is the not living in one place. And not knowing where I will land. I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been. I probably almost weigh 130lbs which I know isn’t the end of the world but it isn’t helping me feel better. I need a routine which is very hard without a home base. I eat whatever because I never know where I will be. I buy food for my apartment and then I land at my mom’s house or at a motel. I went to water aerobics for the first time in 3 weeks last night.

I desperately need this house. Seeing the inside just made me want it more. It was meant to be.

———–

Back at work and back to being around people. I have already been called a name (not a bad word – lol) and gossiped about. People. Gotta hate ’em. It’s funny because it seems like this person was just waiting to see me. She doesn’t work in my department so I don’t know her. I just know that she loves to talk about me. 😉 She gave me a name, maybe I should come up with a name for her. I don’t even know how she looks, I just know her voice. What a bitch. Yeah that is a good name. Nah, I can be more creative.

I awake with good intentions

……but the day, it always lasts too long.

I just saw the inside of my “dreamhouse”. Freaking amazing!! It is sooo nice. New tub, stove and refrigerator. And the best part: SHELVES. I have dreamed of having built in shelves. She probably thought I was nuts for going crazy over shelves. Well I could have it….if only they decide to let me rent it. It even has a real dining room. That would probably be my office.

I’m very anxious/nervous about this. She said I’m the #1 applicant out of the people they have now however, they re-listed it. 😦 So new people will get a chance to get ahead of me. What if they make more money? Have more landlord references? Have spotless credit? What happens then? 😦 😦 I’m so scared. I have to get this place. No one will be able to sign a lease until the beginning of May because the county is making him install something. That sucks because that is giving them 2 weeks to look for more applicants. Bummer.

I know attachment to anything is bad but this is my only real option. Well the other house has been re-listed as well so if it were still available, I may consider it despite the spotty neighborhood. SIGH.

I do feel better today than I felt last night. She told me not to be scared. LOL. She also told me congratulations but I would be foolish to get my hopes up.

The only bad thing about the house is no closet space. I can totally get over that! Besides I’m used to having that issue.

Oh well after everything that has gone on, I think I’m going to have a “Mad Men” marathon. All I watch is news normally and I can’t take that anymore.

Don’t let me be lonely

I don’t know whether this is good or bad news:

I can’t break my lease. Can’t. I have to find someone to takeover the lease or pay for the apartment. Needless to say, I can’t afford the house and the apartment. I don’t mind placing an ad on craiglist and other places. The screening process is what I’m freaking out over. I have to pick ONE applicant to take to the leasing office. So it better be the right person or I have to do it all over again. Am I supposed to check job stuff? Omg. I can’t.

The positive is that maybe I will find someone and I won’t have to pay for the apartment myself. On the other hand, I was ready (sort of) to just pay the penalty…but there is no penalty. *&^#

I want to focus on moving so I’m not going to look for an applicant right now. Moving is overwhelming enough.

A lot of stuff is going on with work. I never thought I would say this but I wish I didn’t already have a reservation for the beach this week. I could be packing or figuring out utilities or something.

Sigh. Oh well. I guess I get to see the house tomorrow or Wednesday. I hope it is tomorrow because I’m leaving for the beach Wednesday evening. I think I’m going to tell them I want to move this Friday. My stuff won’t be there for weeks but I do plan on sleeping on the floor until I get my furniture.

I’m worried about the utilities now….and money of course. The apartment is awesome for people who don’t mind apartment living so I know I can find someone. I know I’m going to miss it. I had just fallen in love with the area and everything. Oh well. Back to work.

The vacancy that sat in my heart

Woohoo! I got the house! It is my dream house. Okay, I’m being dramatic again. It doesn’t have french doors……but I don’t have neighbors. On one side is a woody/grassy area. On the other side is the street. No one is in the front of me. And guess what? No one can drive past my house because there is a dead end in front of my house. And nope, I’m not in the country!! This is the kind of house I pass by, sigh and think “Why can’t I live somewhere like this?”

my crib, yo!
my crib, yo!

I do have two people kind of in the back of me. Two much bigger (and “better”) houses. I went by there at 4:45PM today, it was about 75 degrees yet no one was hanging out. SCORE! It was very quiet. You don’t want to know how I got approved. I don’t even know!

that damn yard
that damn yard

I actually got approved for TWO houses. The other house I had already decided not to rent. I went there at 3:30PM and people were hanging out. ugh! That isn’t the only reason. The houses were close together and there were houses in the front, back and to the sides. Been there, done that. It is better than apartment living (for me) but I don’t like it.

Back to my “dream house”: They are installing the carpet on Monday. I probably get to see the inside on Tuesday or Wednesday. Oh, you thought I cared about the inside??? LOL. I only care about not living in an apartment. I would be bummed if it were dirty but I can have people take care of that. 😉 The yard is in decent shape.

The negatives are probably no dishwasher. (not 100% sure there isn’t one but I’m 99% sure). There is a laundry room but as far as I know there isn’t a washer or dryer there. I don’t know if there is even a refrigerator! I had to sign without seeing because it was “first come, first serve” and I know they had other applicants.

THE BAD. THE HORRIBLE. THE NIGHTMARE.

Oh, yeah. The nasty. WTF am I going to do with my apartment?????! I don’t want to break the lease. Here are my options:

1. Put the rent on my credit card until my lease is up. I know this is bad but is it better than breaking the lease?

2. Just break the lease and pay up on my credit card…if that is even allowed.

3. Sublease the apartment…except I’m pretty sure that isn’t legal but how would I know since I don’t have a copy of my lease? I wouldn’t mind subletting if I didn’t think I would get caught. Hmmm. I wish I knew someone who wanted an apartment. Not to be a downer but the one person I know, doesn’t have long to live and is no longer looking. I hope he defies doctors expectations but that is another topic.

I don’t know how subleasing works….especially when you don’t want the rental office to know.

Well I have to figure something out. I don’t even know when I’m moving. It is pretty much my choice according to the assistant. Will they hold it until May 1? I doubt it. Not that I don’t want to move NOW but I have to get internet (since I work at home) and electricity before I move in. Decisions, decisions. I am planning on moving my bare essentials ASAP (my work computer etc.) I will work on the floor until I get my desk moved.

I feel a little less screwed. I’m screwing myself by having two places. I am looking for/thinking about getting a part time job. Maybe after a change happens at work (starting next week*), I will be able to do overtime but I can’t count on that. It is very limited. *I will probably blog about this later.

And I didn’t have to have SEX! 🙂 🙂 🙂

I don’t have forever or time to waste

I’m screwed. SCREWED. I have to rant:

No one is going to rent to me with a voluntary foreclosure. It doesn’t matter that that type of loan is probably illegal now. It doesn’t matter what those fuckers did to my car and all the other things…who cares?

I’m fucked.

Why am I trying so much? Why bother? Maybe I do love myself and that is why I won’t kill myself. If that is true, it is very hidden. Because I swear I’m just scared. I almost did it once but the fear…it got me. Maybe it is fear of the unknown?

I applied to rent a house today. I wasn’t even thinking it would cost me $50. FIFTY DOLLARS to get screwed. 😉 Before I went there, I thought there was a slight chance I would get it but then I saw the application. SCREWED.

And tomorrow I have an appointment to see another house. WHY? I was feeling like I had a chance earlier today so I built up the courage to make 2 calls and 1 text message. Courage or just desperate?

oh god………why?

I never once went to a hotel while I lived in a house. I think I lived there for 5 years. NO HOTELS. So I really do believe a house is better.

I’m sick of driving around and enviously looking at all the perfect people living in their perfect houses. And yes, sometimes I wonder who do I have to fuck to get a house?

Maybe if I just had sex like a normal person…wait but I can’t live like that. Stop that idea. But really, I could have that if I just had sex?????????

Maybe I’ll die tomorrow. You never know.

I’m just so sick of everything.

running, running

In less than two weeks I will be at my favorite hotel on the beach! I’m so thankful for the special. On the other hand, I have so much stuff to get done and since I’m using my days off in April and May to ‘travel’, I have no time to get things done like getting tires for my car and finding someone to fix my computer. Oh well, I’ll make it work.

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Self love or simply caring?

I have low self esteem. I don’t think that will shock anyone who reads my blog. I bring this up because my therapist said that the defense mechanisms I use is self love. Right now I would say I’m disappointed in myself. I do hate myself sometimes but I know I could be alone in the woods forever and be just fine (well with books and music, of course). I don’t need company. So I guess that means I do like some of myself.

But protecting myself is just natural. Let me reword it by saying that taking care of myself is maternal. What I’m doing is what a mom what do for her kid. She would protect her kid at all cost.

YES I protect myself from those mean people. YES I do go overboard. No shit. I don’t feel all that loving towards myself especially right at this moment. I’m just super disappointed that I went to a hotel last week. 😦 Bummed. I mean I had a good time and it was kind of worth it but the cost of staying at the hotel is the problem.

I just think ‘self love’ is the wrong term. Caring. Self protective. I want to protect the person who got bullied everyday. I don’t want all that to happen again. It was horrible.

If she thinks it is self love…..okay. Nothing is wrong with self love, I just feel a little far from that. I guess now is the wrong time for that when I’m just kind of down in the dumps over my actions and reactions. If I could only promise myself that I will NEVER do it again.

I will not flee to a hotel again. At night, I’m willing to sleep in my car (only if it is at least 50 degrees, I don’t have my sleeping bag). I can go to my mom’s house but for several reasons I don’t want to go there daily. For one, she lives on the other side of town. Gosh, I really hope I can lease a house when my lease is almost up. (My lease is up in December but I hope I can rent a house in October/November somehow. I’ve been thinking about breaking my lease and renting a house NOW but how many people would rent to me?). I don’t know what I will do this summer. The adults are kind of bad but the kids are…hell on wheels.

I need to focus on saving money to rent a house. I’m pretty sure I’m not resigning my lease for this place. I know moving somewhere else isn’t necessarily the answer.  But all of my living situations have NOT been negative. Plus I have learned from my mistakes. I can do this as long as I’m not sharing walls with someone 24/7. A house………..please.

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I’m a little excited about my May scrapbooking Ebay listing. I have a mix of stuff. Project Life: (cherry, turquoise, olive, blush, jade, wellington, and cinnamon) and a mix of stuff from Studio Calico. I’m more excited that I get to keep half of this stuff for myself. But I also get to sale half of it. I love ebay…sometimes. It can be addicting. :/ At least my Project Life spreads in the future will look better.

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I’m starting to watch “Mad Men”. Yes I’m late. I’m on season one, episode 3. I’m only watching because there was a recent article hinting that the main character might have social anxiety (!!). Anyway, now I’m watching it to see if there are clues. So far I see nothing. The show is okay so far, it is too early to tell if I will end up slowly watching all the episodes. I loved the pilot but thought the second show was average. It was “Mad Men” or watch the “The West Wing” from the beginning. I haven’t seen all the episodes. That could be interesting.

I’m feeling 22

I just want to thank all the Californians who voted down the three strikes law. You all are amazing!!! SCORE! On election day I just wanted to say THANK YOU to all the people who stood in line (before I knew the results) and voted. I voted at 6:20AM. Well I stood outside in the freezing cold for 30 minutes and then waited more inside, then I voted. I can’t imagine standing in the cold for longer than that. I was pissed. LOL. I hate the cold. HATE. Anyway, thanks to everyone for giving a damn to actually vote. I never say good things about people -haha- but this just makes me so proud and full of love.

Okay, now that gooey shit is all over. Election day is over and I am soooooo glad. I never want to hear the word “poll” again. No more commercials!! 🙂 🙂  I was a nervous wreck. Guess what I did? Project Life. lol. I had to do something besides switch between MSNBC and Fox News. I went to bed before the winner was announced  (10:45) because I knew people in Virginia were going to vote until 11PM and I figured the president wouldn’t be announced until at least 3AM. But who knew Ohio was going to be announced at 11:15PM. I would have stayed up. Anyway, I woke up at 2AM and saw Obama giving a speech. Then I read the screen and found out he won. Of course I had to get on the internet to find out how the swing states voted. I eventually went back to bed at 3AM.

It’s over! Hallelujah!
———————-

Now it is all about me and my life. It is a stress fest. A mess. I’m about to maybe make another HUGE mistake by giving my house up. Sigh. I don’t know what to do. No I don’t want to rent my house out. I want it out of my life. So I guess since no one will buy it in the middle of November, I’m screwed. fuck me.

I just want to start over and get a townhouse or garden apartment. To be 22 again. 😦  I think I’m going to visit one apartment complex on Friday. I wish I could fill out my application now while I have good credit. That would be awesome. I don’t know if I’m going into the rental office. I wouldn’t know what to say. “Uh, I’m about to give up my house on December 1, can I move in here on January 1?” That would be awesome but truthfully I want to move NOW. January 1 seems so far away. Can I take two more months of this madness?

The real question is: Can I work effectively for two months where I am living now? Work is why I want to move NOW. That is the only bad thing about working at home if your home life sucks for some reason it may affect your work. I can’t afford for anything to affect my work.  I don’t know…I may be daring and try to fill out an application. Then they find out I have a house and it goes down hill from there.

STUCK.

Oh dear. I just applied for a townhouse!!! I have never been there before. lol. I need help. see? They will like my credit score (for now) but wait until they see that I’m paying a mortgage. They will probably contact me tomorrow.

To be continued…

The freedom song

What is the point of making plans? Ha. It looks like I’m not going to Duke University this summer but I hope to go somewhere even better…the beach in North Carolina. It isn’t up to me so I’m just hoping this happens. I’m tagging along with someone.

———–
I am a plant person. I used to garden. I even have a horticulture certificate from high school. I haven’t been able to have plants since I adopted a cat. But I had to give her up 😦 Now I can have a mini greenhouse. It is very tiny because I don’t have enough room. Any greenery is good.

Here is my new mini-greenhouse:

plants!

The plant in the blue pots are lucky bamboos. They originate from Africa. I’ve never had bamboo before. As long as I remember to change the water, they should be fine. I brought them because I need luck and they are so pretty. 🙂

I am going to party on this birthday vacation. You would think I’m turning 21 with all the alcohol I brought. Yes, I got carded…and I spent too much $. I want to mix my own drinks. I even brought my first cocktail shaker.

blame it on the alcohol

Have I mentioned that I’m not a drinker? I hate beer. I drink wine about 10 times a year. I’m sick of wine. I only got tipsy once. So I decided to try some hardcore stuff. The vodka, grenadine syrup, and pineapple juice are not pictured. In the picture I have Skinnygirl Pina Colada (not going on the trip – I’m trying that tonight), piña colada mix, 2 small bottles of rum, and red apple liqueur. I’m making Bikini Martini and Malibu Bay Breeze. I’m also going to try mixing an apple martini. I have never made this stuff before. This should be fun. Yes this is a strange mix of liquids. I don’t know what I’m doing!

Since I’m new to this, I soooo hope I do not get too drunk. The last thing I want to experience is a hangover, especially on a vacation.

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I needed someone to tell me that my dreams weren’t totally crazy. Only two people know about my dream of buying my house in the country. One said, “Go for it”. The other person was more practical. “What about gas prices? Is it probably better to move to the country when you retire”. I like practical.

Then I read the articles/websites on noise anxiety. One writer recommended a move to the country. I don’t know why it validated my decision but it did! I needed a 3rd unknown party to tell me it was okay to move to the country because I can’t function like a normal person in the noisy city. THANK YOU.

Choose an environment that’s right for you. If you are considering buying a house or moving there are a lot of factors to consider before you settle on the right place. Choosing the right location can be even more important for someone who suffers from noise anxiety. Consider the environment and how well you will adapt. For instance, if you suffer from noise anxiety you may be happier and healthier living in the country rather than choosing a place in a large city. That’s something you will want to consider when choosing a place to live.

(Source)

Healthy. I want to be healthy. I want to live a full life. What a novel concept. (I know living in the country does not equal happiness. I just know what it is like to fill comfortable in my own home. Life is better that way. I haven’t had that in YEARS. It doesn’t bring happiness but it can make my life more livable). It still doesn’t make it any easier to actually fulfill this craaaaazy dream but I’m definitely more committed to it now than I was before reading that website. I’m not going to start searching for homes again…for now. I still have to sell my house. I hope to get a realtor to my house sometime in June.

How did I get stuck in the house I’m trying to sell? NOISE! I was sleeping in my car because I couldn’t stand the apartment noise. I just got fed up, paid off the rental company (with credit cards) and brought a house. I felt like I had no choice. In hindsight, I should have kept sleeping in my car and being paralyzed during the day before buying a house. I don’t know. What was I supposed to do? I have no idea. There was no way for me to know the house situation would have ended like it did. So……..ugh.

I don’t know which is worse social anxiety or this noise issue. The noise anxiety has made me to CRAZY things…not just buying a house in one day but other things too. On the other hand, social anxiety affects getting a job so SA wins. But I feel like it is a tie.
—————

On Monday I’m off to the beach. I will probably upload pics from there…if I’m not too drunk. 😉

meet my dad?

Rule#1 You don’t ask an introvert to stay at their house for a month! Even if you are going to be “mostly out of town”! AHHHHHHHHH

Just when I thought, it couldn’t be any worse. FUCK. Parents. LOL. OMG. This is a joke…until it happens. “Sure you can stay but now I gotta find a place to stay.” My god. What am I supposed to do. My house is not livable for me and my cat much less another human being. I DON’T CLEAN. And I won’t start for you. (ohh! Bitch).

My ultimate nightmare. I don’t cook or clean. This could not be more awkward. My dad has never asked me outright if he can stay with me before…until yesterday through email. The last time I was living in an apartment. The bedroom was free so it wouldn’t have been that big of deal. I tend to nest in one room. I went from living in my parents house to a dorm room to a studio apartment. I haven’t gotten the more than one room thing down yet.

Btw, my dad lives out of the country (can I live with you, for real??? – ;p) right now.

So not the freakin point. Awkward position. Fuck. I’d give him money for food (restuarant) but no person can LIVE with me. I’m a bachelor. My house is a bachelor pad. (Yes I am a girl but trust me, I live like a guy). And then my cat. If she escapes, someone is going to die.

fuck. I don’t want to say NO even though that is what I want to say. It is what makes me comfortable. And trust me, he would be more comfortable living elsewhere. It will be so awkward. I’m going to have to probably work the weirdest hours possible. If they offer overtime (lol), I will be living at work.

I need time to think about this. I don’t like when people spring things on me and I let people know this. Don’t ask me anything the day of. THE ANSWER WILL BE NO. But this is June…maybe he will change his mind. (pleasepleaseplease). I don’t want to say no but if we become more estranged, I’m not going to blame myself.

We are estranged. We don’t talk. I only talk to one person in the world.

whhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhy? My house is not equipped for this. FUCK. I would be much more angry if I didn’t have time to see if I could find him somewhere to sleep. I sleep in the living room so NO that is not where you can sleep, dad. 🙂 This would’ve been much better in the apartment. My house is soooo small and I have no storage. I use my bedroom as a storage/clothes space. He can’t sleep in the cat room and he wouldn’t want to. So what do I do?

This is a disaster…waiting to happen. As long as he doesn’t expect *anything* it will be a little less of a diaster.

Even if I got married, I wouldn’t live with the person. Jeez.

signed,

loner anxious introvert

PS.

I got a ticket to see John Mayer. 8th row. woofreakinhoo! who cares now? not me. blah. I’ll try to post some better stuff in the future. I was supposed to start my Buddhism series in this blog but I got distracted by my lack of a TV (huh?). I will start on Monday or Tuesday of this week.

Yes the normal enlightened person or on the path to enlightenment would say “yes” (and have some doubts/fears) but not a socially anxious one. LOL. Every self help book needs to add a chapter for people afraid of people.  I ‘m trying to get on the path of enlightenment but I’m sitting at the starting line by myself with a little knowledge and zero tools. That is the best way to sum that up.

I can’t say no……….I won’t.