So I guess I’ll remain the same

AHHHH! I won another book from Goodreads. Two days in a row. I guess it really is random. 🙂 This time I will get You Herd Me!: I’ll Say It If Nobody Else Will by Colin Cowherd. He is a sports radio show host. I used to listen to him every work day. He is socially liberal but financially conservative. He shares opinions on everything, not just sports. I know this book will be interesting. The only thing that bugs me about him is his whole “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” mentality. To me that lacks a sense of empathy. Call me back when everyone has bootstraps!

The book won’t be released until November 19. I hope I get my copy before that…not that that will guarantee I read it before then. I think doing a review for this book  will be easy. As you can see I already have a ton of thoughts on Cowherd. I could go on.

More good news: I got my money back from the maid service! YAY. I will probably never try that again.


I’m really having problems with this leaving the house thing. Tomorrow and Sunday I have to leave so I will. It is just when I don’t have to go out…


Music for the week:  Cassadee Pope, Maria Mena, Lissie,  Ariana Grande, Diane Birch,  Mariah Carey, Katy Perry, Sara Bareilles, Christina Aguilera,

TV for the week: Breaking Bad, Big Brother Australia, news, NBA

Movie of the week: The Other Woman

Books of the week: Your Sacred Self by Wayne Dyer (rereading),  Wishes Fulfilled: Mastering the Art of Manifesting by Wayne Dyer, Holler If You Hear Me by Michael Eric Dyson (Tupac biography)

Goals for next week: LEAVE THE HOUSE AFTER WORK.

I swear that it is mockingly. WTF?

******BREAKING NEWS***** I ate half of a biscuit. I also had lasagna. I went to Subway. I’m a naughty girl. Yep, you guessed it: I am no longer wheat/gluten free. I don’t know how I feel about it. This is the first “diet” (way of eating) that I’ve ever tried. I don’t do diets. But I liked the discipline involved. I didn’t like the lack of options. I finally got fed up when I noticed that the chicken salad and cole slaw had wheat in it. I’m so done!

I did learn a ton though.  (Wheat is not good for you!) And I won’t eat certain foods that I know are bad for me. That kind of includes pasta. Pasta makes me feel icky after I eat it. Anyhow, I will be eating healthier than I was before. No regrets. I don’t want to blame my decision on the cost of going gluten free but that didn’t help. It was more about options.

I won a book from Goodreads. YAY!  I won Something Pretty Something Beautiful by Eric Barnes It’s funny, 95% of the giveaways I enter are nonfiction. What do I win? a fiction book! That only matters because I feel obligated to do a review for the book since I’m getting it for free. I don’t like doing reviews at all but I am especially bad at doing reviews of fiction. I have no idea what to say…super glad I won though.

I also won a $20 Amazon gift card (not from Goodreads). I don’t know what I’m going to do with that. I’m scheming. #WINNING

*****Breaking News pt. 2******* My shrink took me off Abilify. Just ignore my depression. There is no withdrawal. I can start taking it again at anytime. When I started using it, about 3 years ago, I was suicidal. I’m glad to not have to get the prescription filled. I hope it works but since I’m already a little depressed, I’m a little concerned.

A year ago at this time I was in Oaxaca, Mexico. I miss it. 😦 I want to do a post on that later this week.

we crave a different kind of buzz

I am no longer Avon’s bitch! I’m officially done with selling Avon and it feels so good. I have one last delivery tomorrow.

I have a house cleaning service coming out the week after next. 🙂  I just wish they could come sooner.  It is a one time thing. I got a semi-deal from Living Social. I have used maid services about 3 times over the past decade. I am always pleased with the results. And it tends to last for a while. Once they clean, I do try my best to keep it that way.

I am a little nervous about being at home (working) while they are here. I have never been at home before. I don’t know what time they are coming. I just know that I will be home after 10:30AM.


The following is what alienates people from reading my blog but I’m going to post it anyway. (to skip my rant, scroll down to next topic “Weekly”)

This whole government shutdown is exactly what I was talking about in my past entry about poor Americans being invisible. Watch any news channel (Fox, MSNBC, CNN) and on Day One of the shut down the majority of the talk was about national parks and monuments being closed. SERIOUSLY? I’m sorry you traveled all the way from China and now you are stuck in DC with nothing to do. Woe is you.

The government shutdown is affecting veterans, poor people, federal workers, and kids in Head Start*. I could go on. Some of these groups overlap, obviously. And people are talking about freaking monuments? This could not illustrate my point more. HELLO? Is it ignorance or do people just not care? If it is ignorance it shows that poor people are truly invisible. There is a huge gap and it isn’t just about rich people. Middle class people are the majority so it is mostly them. People don’t believe poor people exist in this country. And if people don’t care… That’s all I have to say.

*Hopefully the shutdown won’t last long enough to defund all of those programs.



Music for the week:  Maria Mena,  John Mayer,  John Legend, Justin Timberlake,   Keith Urban, Stacie Orrico, Ariana Grande, Lorde, meditative music

TV for the week: Breaking Bad (I somehow managed to not read/hear any Breaking Bad spoilers. It was a little hard with Twitter). News, The Daily Show, Colbert Report

Movies of the week: none

Book of the week: How to Blog for Profit (Without Selling Your Soul) by Ruth Soukup

Goals for next week: Keep updating my John Mayer blog. The design is LAME. The content isn’t great but I’ve just started working on it again. So much work to be done….

what if I’ve always been good enough in my skin?

I’m going to see John Mayer and Philip Philips in mid-December. YAY! I’m pissed that I could have gotten a better seat if I had waited instead of getting a ticket when they first went on sale. Oh well. My seat is on the floor but not at all close enough for me. I was 5th row the last time I saw Mayer. Bummer. I haven’t had a seat this bad in years. This should be interesting…If this experience is bad, I will not be attending another concert unless I can sit in the front ten rows. That’s how I roll. 🙂

While watching an episode of Grey’s Anatomy I realized that if I were told I’m going to die within weeks, I’d be sad. It isn’t always that way for me (just read my past posts). I would feel like I haven’t really lived. I think it has more to do with my job. I’m unsure about what I’m doing and it is currently all about production. Maybe next week will be better. It really has to be.

Edited: I erased a portion of this entry because I didn’t want to possibly offend people. How silly is that? Very. I didn’t save what I wrote. It was a short, passion filled rant about how poor people are invisible. Basically what I said was just because they aren’t on the internet doesn’t mean they don’t exist.

I just see too many people dismissing poverty in America. They treat it  as a joke. Example: “Oh they have iPads/big TVs/internet etc”.  Well the people in my family don’t have those things. They don’t have internet access or even computers. (WHAT?) I can bring the stats but that involves too much work to google all of them. 50 million Americans (including kids) have food insecurity. How many Americans believe that to be true? I do because I see it.

The poor people in America are invisible. But they are there and they exist. Maybe I erased it before not because I didn’t want to offend but because it wasn’t eloquent. My words feel empty. Why am I blogging about this? Because it really irks me how dismissive people are of poverty. I think I will blog about this more because it is important to me even if no one else cares. I don’t assume anyone reading this cares about me as a person.


Music for the week: Five for Fighting, Amanda Shires, Maria Mena, Christina Aguilera,  Jessica Mauboy, Janelle Monáe,  John Mayer,  John Legend, Rihanna, Keith Urban, Sheryl Crow

TV for the week: Grey’s Anatomy, Big Brother 15, Project Runway (long time, no see), The Daily Show

Movies of the week:  Sparkle, Anna Karenina (both average)

Books of the weekBully: A True Story Of High School Revenge by Jim Schutze,  Five Days at Memorial Life and Death in a Storm-Ravaged Hospital by Sheri Fink

Goals for next week: I really have to clean up. I want every room clean. I have to make a decision about volunteering at the animal shelter next week. blah, blah, blah

when the ship goes down

134 lbs. I thought I would at least be down to 133.2…sigh. Okay I hoped for 132. I haven’t changed my eating habits enough. The main thing I did was eliminate bread from my diet. The other thing I’m going to do now is stop eating protein bars!!! NO MORE. I thought they were okay because they were only 290 calories. But it probably kept my weight steady. I don’t count calories so I wouldn’t know.

Well I’m mainly exercising to get my metabolism straight. That is my goal. I don’t know if that means I should do less weight lifting and more cardio or what. I’ll figure it out. I went to the gym at work on Sunday (empty!). Instead of getting on the treadmill, I used one of their jump ropes for cardio. I hadn’t jump roped in forever. I have to buy one for myself. I’m looking at this one: King Athletic Jump Rope for Cardio Fitness Training Expensive ($14) I know but it might be worth it.

Update: I just ordered the jump rope!


I still haven’t heard back from the leasing company regarding my apartment. I was so excited when she called to tell me someone can take over my rent but I haven’t heard back. Sigh. I have to pay the rent for August today. I hope this my last time paying. Please???

Work is stressing me out. Nothing new about that. I can’t even begin to blog about it until I write it out in my paper journal. stress fest.

I’m very excited about a new volunteer opportunity! 🙂 I will blog about it once it is finalized. I’m trying to work out my schedule. Is 3-4 hours a week good enough? etc. etc. If I hadn’t joined the gym, I would have much more time to volunteer. But I feel like I have to go to the gym since I’m paying for it.

This weekend I’m going to a bead show. I’m not planning on buying much of anything since I’m not currently making jewelry but they sent me a free ticket so I think I’ll go. I hope I have enough willpower to not buy anything because I was a very bad girl today.

I went to a thrift shop. :/ I brought 14 tops (sweaters, blouses, t-shirts), 1 skirt, 1 pair of shorts, and 7 books for $33. It was stupid. I need to save money. No more clothes for me for a year.

I dunno. I’m feeling depressed so I’ll end this.

I so hate consequences

I believe in miracles!!!!!!!111!!!11!

The rental company is helping me  find someone to lease my apartment. How awesome is that? 🙂 So freaking relieved. When she called and told me that, I felt like the luckiest girl in the world!

She really called to tell me that I have to keep paying the gas bill and then she asked me whether I was still living there. She said, “Do you know how many people come in here looking for a 1 bedroom?” Um, actually yes but I couldn’t find one person willing to commit to sublease. Anyhow, this is great news. She will find someone and I won’t have to keep paying rent at two places. YAY.

I did borrow money from my 401k to pay the rent. I’m not sure what I’m going to do about that money. Even without the apartment, my bills are more than I make. 😦 Actually I am too scared to check for sure. I may break even. But I had to get this house. I know the house is worth the rent. I feel semi-safe here. I don’t have the high levels of anxiety. I can actually work.

I may pay some of the loan back early. I hope they will lower my payments if I do that. I’ll think about that later. I was also thinking of finishing up school. To get a certificate it will cost me $800 (for one final class). To get certified it will costs me additional money. Right now I will just settle for the certificate.


In other news I lost .8 pounds. 😉 (That’s *point* 8 – not 8lbs)  It has always been easy for me to lose weight in the past…without really trying. Now I’m nervous that I’ve messed up my metabolism. It’s not easy now. I have to keep it off. I have stopped eating bread. I have cut down on soda. None today, in fact.

I was stung by a bee on my ankle of all places on Saturday. It happened while I was mowing the lawn. It was the first time I ever got stung. It really hurt. Online articles say the pain may last a few hours. My ankle hurt really bad all day.

My point is that I have only been to the gym once this week. I can’t do Body Step due to my ankle. I did do the weight training class on Tuesday. Now my foot is just annoyingly itchy. The pain is 99% gone.

I don’t know what I’m doing for the rest of the week.


Online “dating”

Dating?? ME?? LOL. So not going there. I have no desire to date. Once a month I feel outgoing. That is what happened when I posted the ad. Now I’m my usual introverted self. I have been communicating every other day with one person. Ugh, coming up with stuff has been so hard. I almost stopped. But I don’t want to be the “rejector”.

Other people have tried to talk to me but they have kids! Red flag. Me don’t do kids. It seems like everyone on this site -besides the one person I’ve been messaging- has kids. So…eh. Plus they live too close to me. Another red flag. I’m not trying to get in a relationship or anything.

So that’s that.


(I should call this “daily” but I title it weekly because I post it weekly…)


  • worked


  • Worked. Had to facilitate a team meeting over the phone but it was still horrible because management was there. I sucked. I could not look up. I forgot to take my anti-anxiety meds before the meeting. That would have loosen me up. Sigh.
  • Gym: Had part I of orientation. Attended my first weight lifting group class. Loved it even though I couldn’t do all the moves. My weight keeps changing but this week I weigh between 130lbs and 132lbs. 😦 😦


  • Worked
  • TV – Big Brother premiered. YAY!


  • Work: Had training for my new job duties. The training did not go well. We didn’t get through very much. I have so many questions…frustrating.
  • My Ebay auction ended. I think it had 7 bids. But the wining bid was only $20.00. I was hoping for $30.


  • Worked (stress fest)


  • Worked for 2 hours.
  • Errands galore (grocery shopping, laundry, post office etc.)
  • Went to part II of orientation at the gym. He didn’t pressure me to buy anything this time. Afterwards, I got on the bike and the treadmill.  Note to self: I was at the gym at 1:30PM and it wasn’t crowded but 3-4 people were in the pool.


  • Note to self: Never go the gym on Sunday…ever again. Okay maybe I’m being slightly dramatic. I got up at 6AM, showered and went to the gym. I made up my own workout. First I got into the pool. 🙂  Two other people were in the pool. It had just opened so I don’t know how they got there before me. The water was an okay temperature. I do like that the pool is only 5 feet and no kids are allowed. (No kids = less crowded). But I don’t feel comfortable in 5 feet of water so I hope the water workout class is not in 5 feet. I barely feel comfortable in 4 feet of water. I just walked around with weights for about 15 minutes. I didn’t really feel comfortable…
  • Then I got on the bike for 10 minutes just to pass time. I ended my workout with a 30min group class. It was a high intensity interval workout class. There isn’t enough water to keep me hydrated for that class. I’m not going back. I’m glad I went today though. It just isn’t for me.

On Sundays if I really want to workout (doubtful), I will just go to the free gym and get on the treadmill or maybe try the weight machines. I was surprised by how many people were at the gym on Sunday at 8AM. This week will be my full real week at the gym. I am going to try to come up with a routine. So far all I know is that I like the weight lifting class.

Music for the week: India.Arie, Alexz Johnson, Teddy Geiger, Ed Sheeran, Taylor Swift

TV for the week: Pretty Little Liars, Zimmerman Trial (I’m leaning towards manslaughter NOT 2nd degree murder. I should probably blog about this). Big Brother 15

Movie of the week: none

Books of the week: Still Missing by Chevy Stevens,   8 Minutes in the Morning – A Simple Way to Start Your Day That Burns Fat and Shed the Pounds by Jorge Cruise (just browsing this)

Goals for next week:  Go to the gym at least 3 days. Cut back on drinking soda.


Ugh, I’m very close to giving up. But can I afford it? How dumb is it to max out my credit card(s) with rent for my apartment? I don’t even know if I can afford to do that. FUCK.

I need to know why now A suddenly isn’t interested. What if the leasing company told her something? I sort of need to know that. (I did text her but she hasn’t answered. Not bothering her again). I know they don’t have a ton of 1 bedrooms especially at the price I was/am paying. This is a bargain. What sucks? The location. College students don’t want to live that far out.

I just need to know if the leasing company said “she can’t rent you the apartment because blah blah”. Even though they did tell me about two months ago that this was the only way to get out of my lease.

I’m definitely taking some time off from looking for people to occupy the apartment. It I weren’t on vacation next week, I’d probably take 2-3 weeks off.  I could use a break. But I feel like I have to take advantage of my time off from work.

Since I can’t rent the apartment, I will definitely not be going anywhere even though I have a free night from However, the free night is only worth $77 so I would have to add more money. Sigh. So instead I wanted to clean up this house and put everything in place.And I actually have a ton of work to do. Yes, I’ll be working off the clock on my vacation. Hopefully I can get everything done between Saturday and Monday.

I will be going to the new-to-me park in the neighborhood. I have to find some time to cancel my gym membership and I want to take a class at the free gym starting next week. I’m going to miss the Y for their pool but I can’t afford that privilege.

My biggest regret is renting the apartment in the first place…not because I have to pay for it but it has made my hypervigilance worse. I am worse off now than I was before I moved into the apartment and there seems to be no cure. 😦 My PTSD is bad.

At least I get a semi-break from work.

Please still my heart

One person didn’t show up for the apartment showing. Thanks for making me get over there at 10:20 for nothing. But that may not matter. The woman who promised to show at noon came. And she loved the apartment! She was visualizing where to put furniture. She was awesome. 😉 I’m pretty sure she could get approved…but she has to apply. I hope nothing changes her mind.

No neighbors were there. How lucky! One neighbor left 15 minutes before and the other guy has his kid(s) this weekend. They are loud. I’m so glad they left before she got there. I could never rent to a single person (with no kids) with a bunch of kids running around. The first lady I showed the apartment to asked me about kids in the neighborhood. I’m so glad I’m not the only person who doesn’t really want to live around kids. I feel less weird. 🙂 I’m nervous/weary about what will go on where I live now when the kids get out of school.

I should know by Monday or Tuesday what she has decided. So nervous. She is my only hope. I was so depressed. I can’t keep paying for the apartment. ::crossing fingers::

I was supposed to post pics in this entry but I can’t find my camera. I also need to find my camera to start an ebay auction. I haven’t sold on ebay in about 3 years….

Already gone

I had to call them to find out the house was ready! I was so anxious and just waiting for them to call. Of course they would call to tell me I could move right? I didn’t want to appear desperate and anxious so I wasn’t going to call. But I drove by the house and figured that the well was done. What were they waiting for? Why didn’t anyone call? They definitely have communication issues. They don’t keep the customer in the loop. I hope this doesn’t continue to be a problem. I hate calling people and they seem to have issues with it too. But it is like they don’t care.

Bad news first: NO STOVE. And no hot water. I don’t do cold showers. I don’t do lukewarm showers so we have a problem. There are hot water hookups so I’m hoping I can somehow figure it out. The stove will wait. It sucks but I can live without it. 😦 The hot water thing is such an issue for me. I gag when I have to brush my teeth with cold water. I can’t stand that. Anyway…

I’M MOVING THIS SATURDAY!!!!!!! Seriously. The movers just happened to have nothing to do at noon so I’m moving. They are only moving my furniture and whatever things I can’t carry/fit in my car. I will have to go back several times to get the little things. So excited. I have all my utilities set up. I hope I don’t have to be at the house on Friday for power. The house already has electricity. I will be working all day Friday and then I will sign the lease. People always talk about how much they hate moving. I hate dealing with utilities (except for this time – so easy) and changing mailing addresses. I hate dealing with the mail. I have not begun to do that yet.


The dreaded situation – The apartment.I was going to start advertising the apartment this Saturday after I go clean it up but that was before I knew I was moving. Now everything is back in the air. I’ll see how clean I can get it before the movers get there. Take more pictures. I have an ad almost ready to go. I could post it as is and just edit it later. I know I need to post it ASAP but I also have to make sure I have time to show it and that the apartment is in good form so…ahhhhh I don’t know when I’m posting the ad. I’m soooooooo not ready for the texts and emails I will receive. I think I’m going to request email only for now or is that too limiting? I doubt I respond to voice mails. I rarely do. I will put that in the ad. Texts or emails only.


I was planning on cancelling my camping trip. Now I’m having second doubts. I’m not getting all my money back so maybe I should just go???? I’ll be mostly moved by then. I don’t know what to do about anything! If I have days off from work, maybe I should just stay at home and get yard work done. So confused. So much to do. I do know that I have a week off in June and I have plans to go exactly NOWHERE. I can get a ton done during that week. Thank Buddha for that.  I have to go.