Nothing left to lose?

Long time. No real entry! I moved to another city. I still live in Virginia. I’m 40 minutes away from my hometown. 

I live somewhat downtown. I could never afford to live downtown in a big city. I haven’t had a lot of time to explore, but I like walking around the neighborhood. My dog likes it too, BUT he hurt his leg on our first walk. He finally stopped limping yesterday. We went to the park and walked around for 30 minutes. I’m so glad that he seems okay. 

My dog on the floor of my office. He has eyes closed.
My dog in the office.

I got out of required overtime this week—kind of. However, I did do 3 hours of OT. I was supposed to do 8 hours, but I emailed my boss and told her that I was moving and that my dad got hit by a car. So she said it was okay for me not to work today.

Yep, my dad did get hit by a car AGAIN. He was living in hotels, but he can’t afford food and hotels for a whole month on his income. Plus, he has officially been diagnosed with dementia. So, he can’t live alone. The problem is, where does he go? The hospital won’t release him until they can find something. 

After I post this blog, I’m going to unpack more. I left a lot of stuff, so I don’t have that much to unpack. I want to get things organized. It’s funny how many clothes I have. I rarely leave the house (except when walking my dog), so I’m thinking of keeping most of my clothes packed. 

The house is mostly okay. The biggest issue so far is how much heat is. There are no vents in the rooms! I didn’t notice that when looking at the house. I have to leave the doors open. That wouldn’t bother me if I lived alone, but I don’t like having opened doors with my dog. If it’s midnight and he has to go the bathroom, he’ll just use it in the kitchen instead of waking me up. Gross! I don’t want to have to clean that up. That’s what happened at the old house. I learned if I kept the bedroom door closed, then he wouldn’t do it.

The heat is also expensive. $178 a month! My mom’s house is way bigger, and her gas bill is about $100 a month. How does that make sense? So, I’m paying way more than I thought I was going to pay. 

The movers were great. I only had a desk, treadmill, bed, and a medium-sized wooden table. Since it was considered long distance, I had to pay $450 even though I didn’t have much. I don’t have any living room furniture or TVs. 

This is the first time I don’t have a TV. I don’t have cable. Besides, I watch everything on my iPad. 

I have much more to say about the neighbors. LOL. But not now. 

I did yoga yesterday during my work break. That felt so great. It’s so great to be able to move around. The living room is kind of a gym. My treadmill is there. And I do yoga there. Otherwise, I’m never in the living room. 

I have to get brakes for my car tomorrow because I’m getting my car inspected on Thursday. I hope it’s not too expensive. I might go grocery shopping afterward. I don’t want to leave my dog alone, but he has to be here alone unless I drive to my mom. My dog was so scared (shaking) when I left him alone on Monday. I had to go turn the water on. It only took about 45 minutes. I know tomorrow is going to take more than that. 

If I still have my job in 2022, I will order my food once a month. I will still have to go to the store occasionally to get paper towels etc. I would love only to have to go to the store once every 60 days. 

Anyway, I was going to buy a computer. But now I have lots of bills. I need a computer to work. I have to see what I can do on a Chromebook. I can do lots of admin stuff without a computer. But I do a lot with Canva*. I need a laptop for that. I have a new-ish Chromebook. I rarely use it, but I’m getting it out today to use my computer less. 

I have a list of laptops I MIGHT consider if there’s a Black Friday sale. I haven’t done much research. I know I’m going back to Windows. The good Macs are out of my budget. At this point, I might be willing to spend $500 on a computer. Not sure. It depends on how the car stuff goes. 

EDIT: Wow, my Chromebook can do much more than I thought. I might not buy anything OR I might buy a better Chromebook. I have to do research. I’m still going to wait until Black Friday.

I’m also thinking about offering some of my services on Black Friday. Unfortunately, I’m too busy now. But if someone wants to start working with me in January? Hmmm. I should follow through with this idea. The service would cost $2000 for six months of work. I know that sounds like a lot, but it is incredibly underpriced. 

I have so much to say. I haven’t blogged in forever. This is getting long. 

This Week I…

Music of the week: Taylor Swift, India.Arie, Joss Stone, Demi Lovato, Kelly Clarkson, Rachel Platten, Alessia Cara, Ariana Grande 

TV of the Week:  Survivor

Podcasts of the Week: Dateline, Truth and Justice, True Crime Garage, Court Junkie, The Vanished, Undisclosed, Crimelines, Ten Percent Happier, I have ADHD, Generation Why, Dear Gabby

Books of the Week: I’ve been listening to an excellent course about purpose on Audible. Unfortunately, it’s not a book. I wanted to buy the Kindle version, but it doesn’t exist. If you have Audible, I suggest checking out this course – Finding Your Purpose by Christine Whelan. I will take the audio with me tomorrow and do all the exercises while I wait for my car. Most of these courses come with a PDF. That would be so helpful. Instead, I have to listen and write down everything.

Goal for Next Week: Either do yoga or meditate every day. I think meditation is probably more helpful for my ADHD issues, but some parts of yoga are like meditation. But they are not the same thing. 

I also want to get ALL the rest of my stuff from my old place. 

Weekend Plans: I’m going to set a 25-minute timer and unpack/organize twice today. I might get everything done with those two sessions. Then I’m going to do some biz work. I will probably work for about 3 hours today. It’s going to be 60 degrees. I hope my dog’s leg is okay. I’m going to try to go to the park at 2. The park is not that great, btw. It’s nothing compared to our (my dog and me) favorite park. This park is more for kids to play basketball and walk. Tomorrow is all about my car and getting groceries.

Thanks for reading. Have a great week! 🥰 Is this font too big? LOL. I give up with WordPress and font. I also can’t see well, so I want everything big.

I Quit

I’m wearing my $559 Michael Kors glasses. Unfortunately, I don’t have vision insurance. Well, I have free vision insurance, which means the eye exam was free. Thanks to me having Triple A, the price went down. With my free insurance, the glasses would have cost $660.

Before anyone thinks Michael Kors was the problem, the frames only cost $136. The cheapest frames were $90, so I thought, why not go with MK? I had picked out light purple Liz Clairborne frames. They were on sale for $130, but the woman thought dark purple looked better on me. 

The reason why my glasses cost so much was due to me needing a progressive lens. Trifocals. And I foolishly let them put scratch-resistant lenses in. I wanted the blue light because all I do is sit in front of a computer for 12+ hours a day. I should have told the lady at Lens Crafter that my budget was $300. She just threw everything in and acted like $600 wasn’t a big deal.

I picked purple glasses, of course! I’m still getting used to them. I drove in them for less than 10 minutes. I like reading with them, but I’m still having problems seeing my work computer for my day job. Now I’m wondering whether the prescription is strong enough. My next eye exam is on July 4, 2022. I hope I don’t have to get new lenses. I will have real vision insurance next year, so it shouldn’t be as expensive.

I’m still having problems walking with these glasses. But other than that, everything is okay. I’ve never worn glasses before. Isn’t that obvious?

I’m researching so many things right now. I don’t have time for anything. That’s why I haven’t been blogging here as of late. I need a new PCP. I might take an ADHD test. BUT I might have Lyme disease and not ADHD. (They often get confused because some of the symptoms are the same). I had a tick bite years ago. I never got it checked out. 

I want a solution. Antidepressants aren’t helping, but my life is also kind of shitty. The only thing going for me is my dog and my business. However, due to my day job, I cannot spend as much time marketing my business. If it weren’t for my “old” clients, I wouldn’t have much business going on. 

I see my living situation and my day job as my main problems. Everything comes down to money. (In a capitalistic society, that’s a common issue). 

I’m fully vaccinated—no horrible side effects from the second shot. I had to get the vaccine later than most people because I was sick from gastroparesis. I feel bad for people who aren’t getting the second shot because they can’t take time off from work if they get sick. I took time off in advance in case I got ill. 

Update on my dad: He’s okay. He’s in a nursing home until my sister can find an independent living place for him. He has veteran disability benefits, so he can live there for free. Right now, he’s in Maryland. But, for some reason, he wants to be in Virginia. I love Virginia (I would love it more if it never snowed), but I don’t know why he wants to live here. He’ll be happy in an independent senior place because he likes to go out every day, and now he can’t. 

I feel like I have so much to say since I haven’t done an actual post in weeks, but I’ll be back in a week or two. Unfortunately, I don’t have control over my time. One week I’m working 45 hours. The following week I’m working 60 hours. No control. 

I’m so over people talking about critical race theory. On both sides. #random 

Weight update: I’ve been stuck at 107 pounds for the past few weeks.

This Week I…

Music of the week: Dave Matthews Band, Kelly Clarkson, Lana Del Rey, Mariah Carey, Natasha Bedingfield, Patty Griffin, Brandy Clark, Carrie Underwood

TV of the week:  Big Brother, Wimbledon, Grey’s Anatomy 

Podcasts of the week: Dateline, Truth and Justice, So You Wanna Be a Witch, Crime Junkie, Generation Why, True Crime Garage, I Have ADHD, All In with Chris Hayes, Fresh Air, Murder in Alliance, Jury Duty: The Trial of Robert Durst, Paper Ghosts, Crimelines

Books of the Week: Currently reading –

I finished reading Somebody’s Daughter by Ashley C. Ford. Great book. It’s a memoir. 4.5/5. I could relate to so much of it. 

I also finished Demons Forever by Sarra Cannon (3.5) and No One is Coming to Save Us (4) by Stephanie Powell Watts. The book by Watts had many great quotes and 75% of it is great, but it’s too long.

I’m trying to finish a bunch of books from the library. My goal was to read 24 books this year. Well, I already passed that. 

Goal for Next Week: Post on my business Instagram 2 times next week. I haven’t posted twice a week in about a year. I don’t have a goal to keep this up. Social media is too time-consuming. I would like to post once a week. 

Weekend Plans: I finished working overtime for my day job today. I only worked about two hours. Now I have to work on business stuff. I’m not even going to try to get everything done today. I will be working tomorrow too. At least, the weather is nice. 

Have a great week! Thanks for reading. 🙂

June 2021 Overview

Here are a few entries from my private journal. I deleted some names. June was a roller coaster. Btw, there are probably a lot of grammatical errors. I type these entries on my phone.

June 3, 2021

Ugh! Overtime next week. Boo.

And I’m supposed to start with A next week. Sigh. Yes, it makes me angry. They are taking my rest, sanity and opportunities from me. 

I hate my day job. But thanks for the healthcare.

No therapy this week. Boo to that too.

I’m nervous. Nervous about everything. The unknown. Work.

My dog is laying his head on my pillow like a human. He’s such a sweet boy. 

Grateful for: free time today

June 6, 2021

I wonder if my therapist is guilty of gaslighting? Does she even know what that is? I barely know but she does question some of my experiences. I feel. 

I don’t often interrupt her but maybe I should instead of just nodding. 

Ugh. Tomorrow begins a non great week. I’m going to try to work most of my time on Saturday.

I meditated for two days in a row. That’s good.

Grateful for: nice walk with my dog

June 10, 2021

This is supposed to be about a possible gastroparesis business. 

I know I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing group classes unless I couldn’t see the people. Maybe. But I can do other things. 

I would like to slowly explore having a resource for people with GP. 

Right now I don’t have time. But I may have some time when/if the VA business slows down and I stop doing overtime. 

It just feels right. I don’t have clarity on getting a certification. Because that costs money and I know all the stuff won’t apply to me but I will learn a lot. Not that I have time right now for school. I need time and money. 

But I can provide free resources and support.

June 20, 2021

UGH! My mom kicked my dad out. The day before father’s day. I will never forget. At least we got to spend some time together yesterday. I took him to Walmart alone. Mom wasn’t feeling well. 

He gave me $20 and when a woman was asking (begging) for money, I gave her $2. Then my dad asked, “How much did you give her?” I told him and he gave me $2 back. That was nice. He never got his father’s day card, though. 

She’s too paranoid to live with. I wish I could buy a house. Or rent. I was looking on Zillow. So many nice places. But I’ve got a long way to go. 

Still don’t know about OT this week.

Hope my dad is doing well. I hope he has someplace to stay.

Fuck her!

June 27, 2021

Took my dog on an impromptu park trip today. It was nice but too many dogs there. I might do one more summer Sunday. 

My mom still sucks. If she knew he was sick, why did she kick him out? I wasn’t aware of how out of it he was. 

To play catch up, dad was found wondering in Pennsylvania. Luckily someone took him to the ER or called for an ambulance. 

So my sister is looking for nursing homes. So glad she is doing that. So grateful for that. And I told her that on Facebook. What my mom did was shitty. 

I’m supposed to be planning this next quarter or at least the next week. 

Grateful for: my sister

The end. These aren’t all the entries, of course. I journaled almost every day this month. LOTS of drama at the end of the month. I paid for my dad to have a hotel for 3 nights, but he didn’t want to pay for more nights or he really doesn’t have the money. He is in the ER (long term ankle pain and disoriented) until my sister can find a nursing home. I hope I can visit him this summer or fall.


Thanks for reading. Have a good week. Get some rest. 🙂

Am I alive?

So far, two people purchased my astrology course. BUT I had to offer it half price to get those sales. Each person paid $20. The last day to purchase is this upcoming Tuesday (debate night!). I’m not expecting more sales. Maybe one more? Hopefully. But I’m thankful for two sales. I did mention that I cut the price because I wanted feedback. I hope these two lovely people give me feedback.

I did get feedback from a person I let see one module. They weren’t my ideal customer because the person knew too much about astrology. They said it was “too beginner.” Well, yes, it is. That’s the point. 🙂

Excited to have students. I’m also terrified. That’s why I pushed the start date from October 14 to October 21. I just couldn’t take it, plus I want to make sure the one worksheet needed for module one is in good shape. The other modules will have more worksheets that I need to get started on after I blog here.

I did apply for a part-time freelance job. It’s a work from home job. I did a test. It took about 2 hours to complete the test. If I don’t pass, I might try one more time with a different email address and my full name. The pay is not great. Some people make $150 a week, but how many hours are they working? I only need about $100 a week (in addition to my full-time job, of course). I just don’t want to spend 40 hours working a PT job to get only $100. How can I do much of anything if I’m working 80 hours a week?

I should hear back by Wednesday about this job. I’m hesitant about trying again because I don’t know if I’m going to be good at this job. I don’t want a stressful PT job. No way. Been there, done that. I might read about others’ experiences more to see if I would like the job before I try again.

I know I need a PT job because I had to cancel my therapy appointment due to a lack of money. 😦 I rescheduled for October 25th. My emotions keep going up and down, so I know I could use therapy.

This week I…

Music of the week: Lauren Daigle, Taylor Swift, Victory, Tori Kelly, Carly Rae Jepsen, Beyonce, Andra Day, Aretha Franklin

TV of the week: The Politician, Survivor

I didn’t think I would like The Politician. I don’t usually watch comedy, but this is a dark comedy. It’s full of sarcasm.  It’s on Netflix. Gwyneth Paltrow is in it, but not too much if you hate her. 😉

Podcasts of the week: True Crime Garage,  So You Wanna Be a Witch, The Astrology Podcast, The Jim Fortin Podcast, Crimelines, Online Marketing Made Easy, The Thing About Pam (overrated, but good)

Books of the week: I finished reading Everything is Figureoutable by Marie Forleo. Best self-help book in the last 5 years! Read this book. It’s everything. I wish I didn’t have the audio version, so I could highlight the important parts. But I’m not buying the Kindle version right now, I might buy it later.

I also finished Super Attractor: Manifesting a Life Beyond Your Wildest Dreams by Gabby Berstein. I listened to this also. I’m currently reading the Kindle version to highlight the parts I want to keep going back to. If you like The Universe Has Your Back by her, you’ll probably like this. Super Attractor is sort of like part two. I have to actually read it before I give my opinion. I was listening to the audio version while working.

Right now, I’m not reading anything new. I might start something soon. It depends on whether I get a PT job.

Weekend Plans: Nothing to do with the weekend, but I was off on Monday and Tuesday. I mostly worked on creating my course. I took my dog to the park on Tuesday and yesterday. I usually don’t like Fall, but this summer was brutal since my room was often over 100 degrees. I’m not off from work again until November 18. I’m off for the first 3 days of that week. I wish I had asked for more time off in December. I only have December 30th off, then I have to work on NYE, and I have New Year’s off. Blah. Oh, I also have Xmas day off, of course.

Today I’m going to work on creating my course. I mostly took yesterday off. I’ve been working my ass off! I deserve one day of just doing nothing. Besides going to the park, I did a bunch of business development stuff, which doesn’t count as work to me.

Thanks for reading. I hope to get back to blogging at least once a week from now on. This is the only way I keep up with my life these days. I have to get back to journaling on paper, or maybe I will try journaling on my computer since I haven’t tried that in years.

Have an excellent week! 🙂

Wish I hated everyone

I didn’t end up going to the psychic festival. 😦 I was so sick with allergies. Now I’m taking Zyrtec every day. Because I can’t swallow pills, I have to take the dissolvable kind which is ridiculously so much more expensive than the regular tablets. Grr!

Anyway, I don’t know what I’m allergic to. It could be the house, or it could be my dog. I adopted my dog about 8 months after I moved here. So I don’t know which is causing the allergies. I don’t see anything in the house that could cause it. My mom is convinced it is “invisible mold” because when my sister and I were young, we lived in a house where it took a while for the mold to show. My sister was always sick, but they couldn’t figure out why. So I guess it could be “invisible mold” or it could be my dog.

Whatever. If it is the house, I’m moving in less than 2 months and if it’s my dog…oh well. I’m stuck with him. 😉 Speaking of medical things, I’m getting my first flu shot EVER on Tuesday. I better not get sick. I’ve never had the flu. I’m only getting one because I signed up by mistake through work. I meant to just sign up for the checkup so I can save money on my health insurance. I might see if I can get out of it once I get to the appointment.

Let’s talk about more medical things because that’s exciting, right? I ordered more Abilify. I didn’t want to pay the $75 copay (between my dog and me, our meds are expensive!). However, I can’t stop taking Abilify right now. For the past two years, I have stopped around Christmas. I’m not into Xmas or anything. In fact, I hate it, but that’s not the point. I’m getting ready to move and I don’t want to go through the winter depressed and nauseous. I’m already depressed because winter SUCKS. I hate winter! I’m seriously thinking about moving somewhere where there aren’t winters. It won’t be LA because it was cold when I was there. lol.

Anyway, I’m going to TRY to stop taking Abilify in June of 2019. I’m going to the beach for my birthday in May* and then I will try to stop the Abilify. I’m on the lowest possible dose. I only take it 5 days a week. Maybe I should try to take it 4 days a week and see what happens? I think I will start that next week.

*Unfortunately this will be a semi-expensive beach trip. None of the hotels on the beach that I love will accept dogs. 😦 So I will have to get some really fancy place, even though I could care less. I don’t want to leave him at the vet. Besides the money I would spend on boarding almost equal what I’ll end up paying at the expensive hotel. My mom is coming too so I hope I can find a suite. In the cheaper hotel, we always got a suite. But the pet-friendly hotels, already cost too much so I will probably just get a room with 2 queen beds. As long, as the room has a balcony (A MUST!!), I’ll be fine.

Should I talk about moving? Noooooo! I think I’m in denial. I start packing next weekend. I still don’t have a move date. I’m still terrified of notifying my landlord. It doesn’t really matter when I move, I’m still paying for rent and electricity (so the pipes won’t freeze) until at least December 31. But I want to move to my mom’s by Thanksgiving. In case I haven’t mentioned it, I don’t have a lease. I haven’t had a lease in 5 years. Weird, I know.

This week I…

Music of the week (my top 8 most listened to): Mariah Carey, Maggie Rose, Janet Jackson, Christina Aguilera, Carrie Underwood, First Aid Kit, Joan Osborne, Pistol Annies,

TV of the week:  Nashville

I will probably start watching basketball soon. Of course, I’m watching the news since they stopped talking so much about Russia.

Movie of the week: I might watch the RBG documentary on Ruth Bader Ginsburg. I don’t know much about her. All I know is that she is on the Supreme Court.

Podcasts of the week: All In With Chris Hayes, So You Wanna Be a Witch, Online Marketing Made Easy, True Crime Garage, The JJ Redick Podcast, The Bill Simmons Podcast, The Lowe Post, The Rachel Maddow Show, Why is This Happening, What Should I Read Next?

Books of the week: 

Currently reading –

Plans for the weekend: Grocery shopping again. I’m so fun! I want to spend time working on my tarot biz. This is quarter 4. I need to get busy. I need to put myself out there and start making money. I don’t expect a ton of customers. But I will be strategizing this weekend. I already know I’m going to offer 50% off every reading from maybe mid-October to November. Or maybe I should offer it through December. Oooh, what should I do for Black Friday??! I forgot about that. I have to think about it. Anyway, some of my readings are only $5.00 so 50% off is a bargain. I’m going to do a short Youtube video explaining my services and giving away the coupon for 50% off.

I haven’t mentioned this, but I’m also taking two online courses to make a big move during this time of year since this time is the busiest time for all businesses. One is a group mentorship. We meet LIVE on video once a week. I have to blog about that. LOL. I just had my first meeting on Tuesday. Scary!! And one is a productivity type class. I was doing my homework for that until I got the urge to blog.

Like I said, next weekend I’m focusing on packing. It would be great to make a big dent with that. I don’t have a lot of big things. I have a lot of little things. A lot of it will be going in the trash, but some things I want to keep.

Thanks for reading! Have a great weekend! 🙂

keeping it 100

I finished reading The Power of 100! Kickstart Your Dreams, Build Momentum, and Discover Unlimited Possibility by Shaun King. The following is what I came up with while reading the book. My list is not finished. Btw, this might seem like a bucket list, but it isn’t supposed to be that way. I don’t want to spoil the book, but I will say these are the categories he came up with. I like them so I went with that. As far as the dates in parentheses go, that is a rough idea of when I would like to accomplish each. I have a physical health* problem that I’ve never blogged about (and maybe never will), and that is what makes it so hard to come up with when I want goals done. Some things won’t be able to be done within the next 2-3 years due to that. So I’ve tried to keep that in mind and be pragmatic as possible.  Some things have no dates. Working on it.

*I think my mental health issues are well-documented. 😉


  • Do a charity walk (by 2016)
  • Join Peace Corps (by 2040)
  • Donate 5% of my income to an animal related charity. (by 2016)
  • Donate 5% of my income to a human related charity (by 2016)
  • Help people become responsible citizens after they get out of prison.

Health & Fitness

  • Go to the gym 3x a month. (by  2015)
  • Maintain a healthy BMI (starting now to infinity)
  • Take swimming lessons. (by 2018)
  • Take tennis lessons. (by 2019)
  • Master Pilates (by 2018)
  • Take an online yoga class (2015)
  • Do yoga at least 3 times a week. (2015)

Career & Finance

  • No credit cards or credit card debt. (by 2020)
  • Have a flexible job I like working from home (by 2017)
  • Retire early from full-time work. (by 2035)
  • Have an ER fund of $6000.00 (by 2020)
  • Find a career mentor.
  • Stop working and take a sabbatical for 3 months.
  • Work less, take more time off (2016)
  • Reduce work hours without compromising productivity. (Starting now)
  • Find a career that doesn’t feel like work. (by 2021)
  • Update resume. (2015)
  • Shadow a social worker to learn about that job. (by 2018)
  • Make at least $60,000 a year. (by 2025)

Spirit & Emotion

  • Tap daily in the afternoon (starting now)
  • Meditate each morning (starting now)
  • Read everything I can about minimalism. (by 2015)


  • Do a road trip from where I live to California. (by 2018)
  • Vacation in Bora Bora. (by 2025)
  • Vacation in Puerto Vallarta for a week. (by 2019 )
  • Visit every continent in the world. (by 2035)
  • Visit France.
  • Visit Hawaii.

Friends and Family

  • Go to Vegas with my mom. (by 2018)
  • Be a friend to someone in need.
  • Reconnect with my sister.

Accomplishments and Experience

  • Finish the novel I started (by 2016)
  • Re-learn how to play guitar. (by 2018)
  • See Ellie Goulding in concert (by 2016)
  • Take horseback riding lessons (by 2017)
  • Attend a Spanish immersion school in Oaxaca, Mexico. (by 2021)
  • Go to the U.S Open in NYC (by 2019)
  • Attend the Grammy’s. (by 2020)
  • Buy and/or build my dream house (by 2025)
  • Change the oil myself in my car. (by 2016)
  • Join Toastmasters ( by 2018)

Each year I want to write my main goals in my planner and focus on accomplishing them. At the beginning of the year, I will write action steps to complete the goal. When I finish my list, I’ll add it as a page at the top of this blog. I’m going now. I think I’m working late tonight.

I know what it looks like from the outside

I’m going to stop acting like I’ve already been diagnosed with cancer. What a novel concept! The waiting is the hardest part. I will find out soon enough (early next week – maybe Monday??). I know most people with cancer don’t have symptoms and I only have one (pain). The pain could be due to something else. I just hope that I can get a concrete diagnosis after the ultrasound and mammogram. I don’t want to have to keep going back. I’m taking 2 hours off on Monday to go to the doctor. I don’t want to keep taking time off.

Thanks for any good vibes. I’m terrified of getting a mammogram. I’m scared of the (possible?) pain. I have a feeling the people who say mammograms don’t hurt say the same about pap smears.

I have a bad feeling about all this, but I’m not assuming anything.

Yes, I know some people will judge me for my posts.  (OMG! She is like being totally dramatic!) Those are the same people that judged me before…about social anxiety or not having sex or not being social or whatever. I don’t care. Obvs. 😉 It’s amazing that these people who claim not to judge or gossip, judge and gossip. Well, it isn’t that shocking. People are people. Sorry for the semi-rant. Continuing…

I’ve been thinking about my life as one might do when they think they may get a bad diagnosis. I think I did okay considering all factors. The one thing I wish I had done more is travel. But I do consider it a big win that I left the United States. That was my dream since I turned 15. At one point I thought college might be a way to live overseas by studying abroad. LOL. I had to put some of the cost of school on my credit card so that didn’t work out. After that didn’t happen, I thought I would never get an opportunity to leave.

There are plenty more places I want to go, but I think I did okay with what I have (financially, mentally etc.). I have also been to a lot of concerts. This is so not what normal people think about when they think of their lives. I KNOW, but everyone has different definitions of living.

I loved a lot of animals. 🙂 People? ehhh, not so much. ROFL.

I would like to do a few more things. But right now I’m trying not to think of specific things. If you had a year to live what would you do? That is a hard question. Is money a factor? It would be for me. So I don’t know the answer.


This week I…

Music of the week: Carly Rae Jepsen, Maddie & Tae, Taylor Swift, The Weeknd, Tori Kelly, Nina Simone, Joss Stone

Song of the week: Rachel Platten – Fight Song

TV of the week: Big Brother, Curb Your Enthusiasm, U.S Open

Re: Big Brother – Go, Steve, Go! I would love for him to win. I support the socially awkward. 😉 I think he is playing the second best game. I thought him intentionally losing all those comps was stupid, but he knew what he was doing. Vanessa is the best player this season. I wouldn’t mind her winning or John. Anyone but Austin.

Movies of the week:  I watched 50 minutes of Dear White People. Bleh. It wasn’t interesting enough. I might watch Wild this weekend even though I hated the book.

Books of the week:  I didn’t get a chance to read that much. I’ve been working long hours. Still reading The Power of 100! Kickstart Your Dreams, Build Momentum, and Discover Unlimited Possibility by Shaun King  and  Luther: The Life and Longing of Luther Vandross (55% through) by Craig Seymour and Maybe Someday (on page 185) by Colleen Hoover. I would love to know where I got the idea to read this book. It is not what I normally read. It is borderline romance.

I brought Soul Shifts: Transformative Wisdom for Creating a Life of Authentic Awakening, Emotional Freedom, &  Practical Spirituality by Dr. Barbara De Angelis (WHY ARE TITLES SO LONG THESE DAYS???) It was on sale for 1.99 so I grabbed it. I know it’s crazy, but I’m thinking about starting this one tonight. Not sure. I’m living wild and crazy…with all these books. I heard her on the Hay House radio app. After listening to her for 30 mins, I decided I wanted this book.

I also brought a Wayne Dyer (RIP) 3-book collection. It was on sale for 1.99 also. I read most of one of the books. The others are new to me. Great deals. I don’t know how long they will last. I just know many books are on sale for 1.99 as of Friday.

Planner update:

plans of the week

plans of the week

This weekend I want to mow the lawn, clean and read. In that order. No working this weekend. YAY. 🙂 I really need to read if I want to finish my library books. Most of them are on hold so I can’t renew them.

Oh yeah, CHEAT DAY tomorrow (Saturday)! I haven’t lost a pound in a week so why not? I’m stuck at 125. I may not lose anymore and that’s fine with me. I only have two more weeks of Nutrisystem food left. 😦

I do it for the love

I booked my 3 day/night birthday vacay! woohoo! I was so worried someone would book it before I had the money. The last and first time I went to this state park was in 2013. I’m staying in a 1 bedroom cabin. It is really nice and most of all the quietest place in the world! That is why I’m going. Without TV or the internet, I will miss keeping up with the news. I already told my mom to text me if something important happens. I will be telling her again before I go. Of course her idea of important and my idea of important are not the same. (The New England Patriots did what???!)

I ordered my plum paper planner two weeks and one day ago. They said it could take 3-4 weeks. Why am I still obsessively checking my email to see if it shipped? Besides I can’t start using it until March anyway. Some people get theirs quickly. I customized mine PLUS I said don’t start it until March so why should they rush it? That makes business sense. But I still want to hold it in my hands.  I’ll have it by February 10th and then I’ll be complaining about not being able to use it until March. (WHY DID I START IT IN MARCH?)  The Bloom Planner is working out fine but without the sections, everything is so messy.

I’m thinking about skipping spin class tomorrow. I don’t want to use the New Year people as an excuse but that is part of the reason. Last week the class was full for the first time since I started going. All the regulars know they have to get there even earlier to get a bike they like. I have a test I really need to take so…yeah I’m staying in tomorrow to work on that. I don’t know how long the class will stay full. I have to go back eventually.

This Week I…

Music for the week: Paloma Faith, Ella Henderson, Mary Lambert, Jazmine Sullivan, Jessie J, D’Angelo, Carrie Underwood, Sam Smith

Song of the week: Ellie Goulding – Love Me Like You Do (from the Fifty Shades of Grey soundtrack)

TV for the week: Transparent

Way too much sex on this show! Besides that, I don’t really give a damn about any of the characters. Okay, I kind of care what happens to the main character but the grown kids? Who gives a damn? It could be compelling but they screwed it up. I don’t get the appeal of this show. I’m on episode 7 or 8. I probably will finish the season but I won’t be watching the next season…if there is one.

Movie of the week: none

Books of the week: I finished Coming Clean: A Memoir by Kimberly Rae Miller. I could really relate to Kimberly…especially after she revealed how shy she is (or was???). Good book. Now I’m reading Get Rich, Lucky Bitch!: Release Your Money Blocks and Live a First Class Life (love the title. haha) and Training the Best Dog Ever: A 5-week Program Using the Power of Positive Reinforcement. I already feel like I’m being pretty positive around him. I only bitch about him in this blog. 😉

Knitting projects of the week: Will I ever finish the purple cowl? That is the only thing I worked on this week. I haven’t been knitting much. I’m trying to finish a course by January 27.

All of this energy, been bottled for way too long

The last time I posted about Ferguson, I think I lost ALL my readers. And I didn’t even say anything controversial!! I just said don’t loot because it hurts innocent people and we don’t know exactly what happened. But that isn’t going to stop me from blabbing again. I had to stop watching the news this week. In fact, my TV has been off for most of the week. This has really brought out the worst in people. If you agree with the grand jury, you are a racist. If you don’t agree, you’re…I don’t know what. A police hater?  A dumb liberal? A person who plays the race card? (<—hate that term). People are just saying the most hate filled things, especially on Twitter and Facebook.

My opinion is almost the same as last time. No reason to burn down buildings. Some people have no job to go to now. That sucks….especially when you are living paycheck to paycheck. Eyewitnesses are unreliable. I said that last time. I don’t think we will ever know what really happened after the incident in the police car.


Onto much lighter subjects:

Even though I spent Thanksgiving alone, that doesn’t mean I didn’t overindulge. I will definitely be going to spin class on Sunday. Yesterday and today I worked 5 hours each day. Tomorrow I fear will be a much longer work day. Can’t explain. Can’t complain.

Since I passed the board exam, I have to pay annual dues, earn CEUs and guess what? TAKE ANOTHER TEST. The horror! Fear not, this is only a one time thing and it is given online. I can take it at home. Yay! I have a year to take it and I must pass it to stay certified. No pressure. I have no idea when I will take it.  I’m mentioning this now because I am currently taking a class to help me prepare to pass this test. Guess who isn’t all that motivated? I’d rather be knitting, sleeping, or reading etc. So there’s that.


Music for the week: Jessie J,  Taylor Swift, Tristan Prettyman, Lucy Hale, A Great Big World, Amy Ray, Toni Braxton, Mary Lambert

TV for the week: Big Brother Australia, Army Wives, Pretty Little Liars

Big Brother Australia is over. 😦 I might start watching the Canadian version next. I dunno. The Australian version is the best of all of them. Are Australians just more interesting or do they do a great job casting? hmmm. I said I would have a movie marathon on Thursday. Instead I started watching PLL again. I must have seen season 1 at least 5 times. lol. Can’t get enough. Did you know my two guinea pigs are named after characters on that show? Ezra and Toby. Obsessed, much?

Movie of the week:  none

Books of the week:  I’m 44% through What are You Hungry For?: The Chopra Solution to Permanent Weight Loss, Well-Being and Lightness of Soul by Deepak Chopra.  I’m 99% sure I’m not going to finish it. I don’t need to read this book.  I think I need You Can Buy Happiness (and it’s cheap) : How One Woman Radically Changed Her Life and How You Can Too by Tammy Strobel. It is about not buying STUFF.

Knitting projects of the week: I didn’t knit that much this week. I worked on my shawl. Excuse the knitting jargon that will follow. I’ve been working on how to do lace with the Craftsy class and a little help from Youtube. I finally know how to SSK (slip, slip, knit). I used to avoid patterns with ssk in it. Now I can do it! Awesome.

Knitting may just seem like some tiny hobby. But to me it is much more. I’ve been wanting to learn to knit since I was 10. I had so many knitting books but I could never learn. I thought I was doomed. What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I knit? Other people can do it. NOW I CAN…and that amazes me. In case it isn’t obvious, I love learning new stuff.

Crochet projects of the week: I’m just working on chains. I feel like I don’t have enough hours in the day to do everything I want to do.

Pics next week…if I get to work on my projects. :/

What if you never said anything?

This entry is full of random.


4 months and 12 days until Vegas 🙂

1 month 17 days until my board exam :/

20 days until the work picnic 😦 😦

May is usually my favorite month of the year but this year, the whole Vegas thing started on May 1! DRAMA. I hope June goes a little more smoothly.

Something recently occurred to me: What if my coworkers expect me to talk just because I show up? They don’t expect me to have a brain implant, right? (I would if I could). I will be meeting new coworkers along with the old. Not counting my manager, I think I will feel more relaxed around the new people. Not sure. My manager is a different story. I will be wondering if she hates me. Unfortunately her opinion matters.

I now know how to say things like “Nice to meet you”. I know normal people already know this stuff. They are way ahead of me. Social folks…sigh. I need to learn new sayings but my anxious brain can only remember so much.

I took a practice exam for the board exam yesterday. I got 66% right. Not too shabby considering by the end, I just wanted to get it done so I could get the answers. I was also rushing to get it done in under two hours. I need to get 70% right on the board exam to pass but this test was easier than the real exam will be so I can’t judge my performance by that.

I saw Frozen this weekend. Um. I trusted this would be good because adults liked it. It was okay. A little too far fetched for me. lol. It wasn’t terrible and now the soundtrack makes sense to me. At least not all of the main characters fell in love at the end. *gag*

Moving on…No NBA until Thursday. What are people doing without basketball? Oh, other people manage to get by? Interesting. I will somehow make it. More studying and knitting might get done.

After work, I studied a bit. Now I’m going to take a nap, study some more and then I might start knitting a child’s hat. I doubt it will be good enough to give someone. It is just practice. Why not start with a small size?

I have to take my dog to the vet tomorrow for routine vaccinations. I hope everything goes well.