I have no patience & I hate waiting

The best rap line ever…That was a joke. Everyone knows Tupac was the greatest rapper of all time. But I love, love that by Jay-Z.


That is what I screamed in my car several times. I rarely get my hopes up. I learned that at a very young age. If you have high expectations and you keep getting crushed, you will probably naturally be this way. But I don’t know. Some people are good at not dwelling on disappointments. Anyway, my doctor did nothing. I spent my life avoiding doctors. Now I have a bad PCP. (She gave me a thyroid test in July and I still don’t have the results. In fact, the test has not been viewed!).

And “my” shrink doesn’t know shit. I waited for a whole hour in the waiting room to be referred to someone else and I saw NO ONE. I give up. Fine. I’m dead. I’m just waiting for my body to expire. I’m done. Maybe this was a sign that getting referred wasn’t the answer. HOWEVER, in the meantime I will suffer. I used to be a A student. I will be lucky to get B’s this semester. In fact I’m counting on Cs. I can barely get out of bed in the morning. My house is unlivable. I have the attention span of a gnat. Should I go on?

Oh well. Everything is my fault. There is no such thing as mental illness.

edited to add: Oh well, I am a little less doom and gloom. Today my shrink prescribed Wellbutrin for me since my depression is getting worse. I just read about it and I’m willing to give it a chance. I thought it was just for depression but it is suppose to work for other things as well. Okay, I’m game. I’m glad there is a generic version. I didn’t know that….I’m on a very low dose. The lowest possible. Hmmm. Maybe he does know shit even though he admitted he didn’t know anything about a certain type of medicine.

I have homework to do. I wanted to post two great writing/journal prompts. They aren’t meant to be prompts but I saw them that way. I rarely use prompts in this blog or in my paper journal but I thought these two questions were interesting. From O Magazine (specifically) by the awesome Martha Beck.

1. How do I want the world to be different because I lived in it?

2. How do I want to be different because I lived in this world?

There are 19 more questions in the article (from the February issue). I think #1 is the best question. I have nothing in me to answer either one at this time but I just wanted to share.

Hell Of A Life

I went to see my counselor for the first time in 2011. This has been the worst month (of work?) ever. I have never been so stressed. The good thing, is the call center environment is gone for now. The bad thing is…I’m still alive. I have to apologize to the people who value their life and care about living. I would give up my life for my worst enemy, but it isn’t possible.

My cat is sick with a cold. I feel helpless.

I’m taking 3 classes. I have an assignment due tonight so I should go.

Oh yeah, some of the stuff in the ADD organizational book, I was (or am) already doing. I think it is just anxiety/depression but I never thought I would miss my 25 year old self. I was always on time/early. My house wasn’t cluttered. I wouldn’t allow myself to get distracted so easily. Now it is a struggle to read. I still love it but it takes me 4x longer to finish a book these days. I’ve been forgetful my whole life. That hasn’t changed. I miss being on time.

I am on the internet a lot less. Thanks Verizon 4G. 🙂 (blessing in disguise)

Life sucks. My spirit is dead. When are you going to take my body?

Wow, this is really uplifting.

I need a professional organizer (just once or maybe twice), & a life coach (for at least 6 months). I’m just so overwhelmed. If I were not in school, I probably would hire one of those…whichever one would charge less. I just need a little help with the organization. I don’t need monthly visits. A life coach would be interesting. That seems like a luxury. No offense to my counselor, but counseling sessions aren’t cutting it. Who am I fooling? A life coach would be more fed up with me. Counseling is cheaper but I’m in a stuck mode with her right now.

I’m sick of my counselor thinking I want friends. Yes I know life is easier with friends. It is definitely cheaper. I would love to know how much the average person saves by having friends. A LOT of money. Trust me. (house repairs, car repairs, vacations, eating out, lawn work etc). Then there is the advice which is priceless.

But nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

I have to go back to being stubborn.

We are all the same

(yes the title of this post is from the very good book with that title. too lazy to link it).

I wasn’t going to blog today but this frustration has me in tears. It is not just the phones. It is the way my (our) situation is being handled. I’m sick of social beings and their inability to understand. They have no desire. They make really ignorant assumptions like, “it is about exposure”.

JNx did sales in person so doing it on the phone is nothing to her. She thinks that is our problem. Um, hello a person with social anxiety would not take a job that involves talking to people…much less SALES face to face! I would be homeless because even trying is a waste of time. (Thanks call center experience for ruining any hopes I ever had of taking any kind of call center job if absolutely necessary. I would never apply for a sales job. Should I do it to get my self esteem even lower?)

They don’t get it. They don’t care. They don’t have to. I wish I had there life. Sure they have funerals, weddings, and bar mitzvahs to attend…We don’t have that. Need something done? Call a friend. I have to pay for it and if it can’t be easily brought, I do without. I think it would hurt less if they didn’t make the ignorant comments. Plus they completely take their social skills for granted…as if they worked for it. Very few had to work on it.

I want to die. I don’t have the courage to do it. I sat at work like dead weight for an hour because I was so frustrated. I can’t take this much longer.

I will be on the phone tomorrow for a short time. IT WILL BE BETTER…as long as I don’t get a caller like caller #3 (see last entry).