I just want a day in the sun

Oh fuck! Oh fuck! layoffs are happening at my job. FUCK. I’m sooo moving back in with my mom ASAP if I get laid off. If I had learned this ONE DAY earlier, I could have spent a lot less. I did pay off some credit card debt earlier today but fuck, oh fuck. I spent money. Too much money.  Fuck.

spiral

I typed everything below the line PRIOR to everything up here. I typed what is below before I knew my cousin died last night. I typed it before I visited my uncle.

Before my mom told me about my cousin, I knew it was serious. I thought she was going to say my dog died. This is the son of my uncle who didn’t have health insurance and is now paying the price for it. I don’t want to say anymore here. Not my place. I just had to mention my cousin. We had classes together in junior high. In fact we had classes together all morning in 6th grade.  We were the same age. 😦

Just when I thought it couldn’t get worse. We went to my uncle’s house. He is under hospice care and in pain. I hope it isn’t always like this. 😦 😦 I didn’t say this in my last post about him but he is like a father to me (in a awkward non-talking way). No offense to my real dad.

I should probably do a month long internet sabbatical starting tomorrow…as if that will solve anything.

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The layoffs are happening. One person in my department with my job was laid off. I was very lucky to not be THE ONE. But I do feel that I am next. So I’m bracing myself. At first I planned to (finally) go to Oaxaco, Mexico as soon as I’m no longer working but I have responsibilities (to myself and others). Yeah that sucks. :/ So Mexico will not be happening unless I have a job in March of 2013…and I lose my mind, then I might go! I even filled out my passport form and was going to put a rush on it so I could go in October. (!!!) I only have 3 days off (plus the weekend so that makes 5 days) but if anyone can do Mexico in a short time frame, it would be me.

Back to reality. If I still have my job in March and nothing else major happens, I might consider going then. October is still hurricane season. How could I forget? There is no way I could visit then. Even without hurricanes, it is rain season. Anyhow, I still have my passport form ready to go. I just need the picture, the money and to go to the post office to apply. So…who knows what might happen? I sort of feel like now or never. But having a place to live is more important to me but as long as my house doesn’t sell, there’s nothing I can do about that. I can’t rent anything and still pay my mortgage. Stuck.

Back to the layoffs. Scary. There is one thing that separates me from the person who will be laid off. One thing. That could have easily been me if something hadn’t gotten switched around. By no means do I feel safe AT ALL. But I can’t dwell too much on it. It causes the worse anxiety. I’m also really concern about what I would do for health insurance.

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Since I decided not to go to Mexico next month, I decided to finish 2012 with Project Life.  Well, first I made a deal with myself that I had to pay off my credit card before buying anything and I did. I already have a vision/dream/scrap book for 2010-2012 but I’ve been obsessing over the Project Life products in unhealthy ways. When something gets on my mind like that, I know I have to do it or I will keep obsessing. I didn’t go all out and buy the most expensive stuff  because 2012 is almost over plus it isn’t necessary but I really wanted the core products for my first time. 😉 After the novelty has worn off I will go the non product line route for some things because it is cheaper.

I’m basically just combining what I already have to the Project Life concept. In 2013, I hope to make more of PL by doing more new things like cooking one dish a month or visiting a new place every month or just exploring my current city. I’m using PL as a way to have new experiences. Experiences = Life.  I don’t know how I feel with always having a camera around though.

What I ordered is coming on Monday. Way too excited! 😉 I’m finally doing a 12×12 book. woohoo!

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So far my jewelry class has not been cancelled. I am very nervous. Class is supposed to start this Thursday night.

I need to take an internet sabbatical. Maybe I will do it for a week starting Sept 23. However, I will use my Kindle Fire apps for email, and to read twitter (the way I get most news these days). But no browsing the web. The hardest thing for me will be not compulsively checking the library site to see which books are available. I wish there was an app for that. 🙂 They only update the site about once a month and if you don’t get the good books when they 1st appear on the site, you will have a long wait. I might make a check-that-site-once-a-day exception. And I hope John Mayer doesn’t do anything because it will be hard not to want to update my Mayer blog.

I need to get away from the internet. Sept 23 – Sept 30 seems perfect. I plan to get more reading done, spend more time outside, make jewelry, organize my project life binder through August 2012, get all my business calls and letters taken care of, think of and create a way to live in such a small space, journal daily and just enjoy disconnecting. I would fully plan my trip to Mexico (again – heh) but I need the internet for that. The guidebooks can only get me so far.

A week without Amazon.com? OH NOZ!!!!!!!!

Who Says I’m a psychopath?

Those bitches! If you didn’t go through my work notes, I’m not talking about you. I can’t find my prescriptions. That’s normal. I lose everything. BUT I think I put them in my work notebook. (I never mentioned that I moved to another cubicle after my breakdown…I did). Recently I’ve been over carrying stuff and doing extra work on weeknights because I’m busy at home. So I’ve been leaving my notebook at work which is very normal. NO ONE else takes their stuff home. (That is mostly why my boss said how dedicated I am etc.)

At my previous desk, they would not have gone through a CLOSED notebook…at least to my knowledge. However, when I would leave it open, I could tell they looked at that particular page. But where I am now……..SCREAM…nothing is off bounds. So maybe they saw my prescriptions. To me, these are regular medicines. Stuff for depression and/or social anxiety and sleep. Big deal.

Nothing anti-psychotic. Trust me I’ve been hinting for some. ANYTHING to get me through a work day.

OR they saw me reading the Ted Bundy book. (very possible. I read during my lunch break and it has been visible in my car. I carry whatever I’m reading everywhere). Um, you’d be surprised at how many normal people read true  crime. And I know some of them watch reality true crime so what is the difference? I read & watch. They just watch. (Note: Once I started watching/reading the real stuff, I can’t touch the fake stuff. Mysteries? CSI? Law & Order? All very lame and phony once you get into reality).

Anyhow they said, “don’t you think we have a right to know if she is a psychopath?” ROFL. First of all, a known psychopath would not be working in an office building (or anywhere??). Psychopaths don’t get hired. Ted Bundy and others were able to work because they could act normal. (strike one for me). My coworkers were even talking about asking the boss. I think only a couple of people were seriously going to ask, “Is —— a psychopath?”

Whatever. According to them, we are getting laid off. I’ll know more at the end of the week. I’ll be free of that stress and have the no work stress. Blah. I have more high school stuff I could report from work but that would make me high school too cause some of it is hilarious. 😉

I have tons of tons of stuff to do and I haven’t even printed out my bracket! I do wish I had my notebook. I’m  dying of curiosity. I’ll just wait until tomorrow morning and tweet the results. heh

Pero yo no soy ángel.

I’ve been weepy @ work for two days . As I have said in my deleted posts, I cry silently. A person would have to walk past my desk to see me. I think one person saw me on Monday. My point is, I’m not disruptive. Now that the woman in back out of me is temporarily out, there is no one to broadcast my tears to the whole office. Maybe I’m just weird but I think that is extremely DISRESPECTFUL to go around telling people stuff like that.

But I’m no angel.

Anyhow, I just realized that it isn’t about work. My cat is sick! I think I know what’s wrong but I’m not sure. And I feel like such a bad mother for waiting to take her to the vet. (We go tomorrow). So excuse me while I get frustrated. Since Saturday it sometimes feel as if the world is falling apart…and I feel guilty and not worthy of her.

I’m not having kids so I do consider my pets “my babies”. However, I would not say this in public.

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I feel so bad about the layoffs. It is hard to listen/watch the news because all I hear is “layoffs”. My heart goes out to these people. One person in our section is being laid off. 😦 It could happen to anyone.