Feels easier to just swim down

My dog is killing me. There is a reason why I don’t have kids, and there is probably a reason why I probably won’t get another dog even though I LOVE animals. I always wanted a house full of animals. That was my dream. I know of a couple who just rented about 15 goats to clean their property. I’m so envious. I would love to have rental goats. lol.

“Killing me” is a bit of an exaggeration. I used to put him in his crate when I ate. I recently stopped doing that because he would get so excited, sometimes he would use the bathroom in his crate. The new arrangement worked for a few days. But now he uses the bathroom on the dining room carpet whenever he freaking wants to!! (not when I’m eating) *%^#. I give up. I don’t show him I’m mad because he purposely would use the bathroom on the kitchen floor to piss me off. (I know some scientists disagree that animals try to piss people off).

When I give him his tick medicine on his neck or leave him outside too long, he’ll purposely use the bathroom in the house to make me mad. That is why now I give no reaction when he does it. Hopefully, that will help. Sigh. I just wish he would use the bathroom when I take him outside. I take him out so many times a day. Much more than I used to. I give up on trying to control his bathroom habit. I have no choice. I worry about it too much.

Only a few things are stressing me out right now, and this is one of them.  I love my dog so much, and if he would just stop using the bathroom in the house, I would have a lot less anxiety. I need to give this situation up. Stop trying to control it. I think the lesson in this is to love someone in spite of their flaws. The universe would give me a person instead of a dog for this issue, but I don’t come into contact with many people!

On second thought, I think the lesson is to stop trying to control the situation. Stop being a control freak! I think that is what the universe is trying to teach me. Hmmm.

I got the new Kindle Fire from Amazon on release day (Wednesday), and I didn’t even care. How sad. I had my last one for about 3 years. I treasure that Kindle. I only ordered the new one because I recently used a Samsung charger to charge my old Kindle and the battery started acting up! How strange. I use generic chargers all the time with no problem. Anyway, I just think it says a lot that I wasn’t even excited by the Kindle. There are people (yes, even in the United States) who would love a Kindle and I’m all “whatever.” Btw, I’m using both Kindles now.

Pathetic. Anyhow, I prefer my old Kindle over the new one only because it has “text to speech” in books. The new Kindle Fires don’t have that. So I will keep my old one for as long as possible even though I have to keep charging it.

This week I…

Music of the week: Ariana Grande, Halsey, Paramore, Rachel Platten, The Bird and the Bee, Natalie Merchant, Shakira, Kelly Clarkson

Song of the week: Miranda Lambert – Tin Man (Unplugged)

TV of the week: House of Cards, NBA Finals

Movie of the week: I already mentioned I watched Moonlight. I’m thinking about rewatching but *SPOILERS* I don’t think I can watch the bullying scenes over again so soon. This stuff is going on right now, and it has gone on forever. There is a local story going on now with bullying in the schools. It reminded me of Moonlight. It makes me sad that children have to go through this and reminds me of my childhood (even though I was rarely touched…but I was touched, just not a lot).

I’m planning on watching Me Before You this weekend or Monday. I read and loved the book. I hope I like the movie. I’m planning on reading the sequel in a couple of months.

Books of the week: Holy shit! All the holds I had at the library came through. There is NO WAY I can read all these books and study for my certification test. So I’m focusing on The Secrets of My Life by Caitlyn Jenner and Shattered: Inside Hillary’s Doomed Campaign by Jonathan Allen and Amie Parnes.

The Caitlyn Jenner book is decent so far. I don’t know why it has average reviews. Well, she does come across as a little insincere (if you want to judge – lol), when talking about transgender teens and all these statistics.  But how do I know what’s really in her heart? I was never a Bruce Jenner fan. I’m indifferent towards Caitlyn. Well, I think she’s brave. Extremely brave. I’m pretty sure I would have stayed in the closet forever if I were in her situation. I know a lot of people don’t think she’s brave. I disagree.

Still reading: A Course in Miracles (always) and  A Course in Miracles Made Easy: Mastering the Journey From Fear to Love by Alan Cohen.

Planner update: Plans of the week in my Erin Condren


Plans for the Weekend: Grocery shopping and studying. This is my last weekend before my test. At some point, I’m going to give up studying. I don’t know when it’ll be. I just feel like if I don’t know it by now…

Thanks for reading! Have a great weekend. 🙂

Fuck You

Here is the truth: My mom and sister called me “fat”. A coworker called me Willy the Whale. I have no idea what that means. I can only guess it was a weight comment. I know I’m not fat. I’m average. I currently weigh anywhere from 133 to 137 lbs. I’m 5’4″. Average. I want to be normal in every way accept for my weight. Back on topic: Yes what they said was mean and I want to say “Fuck You”.

I was eating a lot of unhealthy things. I’m no longer doing those things. I will never be 105lbs again.  I was underweight for years. The doctor told me to drink Ensure. I never did. I later gained some weight because of Abilify but I can’t blame that for at least 10 pounds.

Anyway, I see it as a challenge to workout and eat healthy. I get obsessive about whatever I’m doing. Right now my obsession is eating wheat free among my regular obsessions. I’m not done with this topic.


Amazon is starting this great program in October. If you brought a print book from them, they will allow you to buy the Kindle edition for a low price.  Anywhere from free (!!) to $3.99. I can’t wait.  Do you know how many books I have brought from Amazon since 1998??! I just hope they have the books available that I brought. Most of my books are packed up and I’ve been pining for them. This is awesome! Please have my favorite books.

Update: I looked through all of my past Amazon orders. I brought mostly music from there. I forgot most of my books were brought used. There are about 10 print books I would love to have a Kindle version of. Mostly nonfiction.

The announcement of the new Kindle Fire HDX tablet makes me drool. I know I won’t be buying that.


Music for the week:  Maria Mena, Ja Rule,  John Mayer,  John Legend,  Keith Urban, Sheryl Crow, Jillette Johnson, Beyonce, Amanda Shires, Ariana Grande

(I keep up with what I listen to on last.fm)

TV for the week: Breaking Bad, CSPAN, The Voice

Movies of the week: Django Unchained

Books of the weekBully: A True Story Of High School Revenge by Jim Schutze,  Five Days at Memorial Life and Death in a Storm-Ravaged Hospital by Sheri Fink

Goals for next week: I put up my closet rack last week. Now I have to hang all my clean clothes. I just need hangers. I looked up “dorm tours” on youtube and I’m totally inspired. (I don’t live in a dorm…) My messiest rooms are the living room and kitchen. I hate cleaning the kitchen. My goal is to make my living room more liveable since I spend a lot of time there. Hopefully I will have pics after I’m done.

video games

Wow, my last post was my 500th post! In other news regarding me, 😉 I am happy to report I will be doing something fun on my summer vacation. I will be going to my favorite spot: the beach! I have 3 days off for my birthday. I will stay at the beach for two nights and 3 days. So excited. In the back of my mind I’m thinking I should be saving all my money for school and fixing up my house. But most of the serene moments I’ve had, have been at the beach. I have to go this year.

Sad news: My Kindle Keyboard has a new crack on the border (versus on the screen). I don’t think it will get any bigger or that it means anything but my kindle is hurt. 😦 I sleep with both Kindles. NO WE HAVEN’T HAD SEX. We just cuddle. Anyway, sometimes I forget to put the screen down on my KK. I guess that is what made a small crack in the screen. I just feel so negligent. I suck.

It has been less than 30 days since I’ve had the Kindle Fire and I already feel like I’ve gotten my money’s worth. Everything else is a bonus. I’m going to do a mini review of the best Fire apps one day. My favorite new thing is playing Scrabble against the computer. I didn’t think I would even use the app since I have the game on my computer. Everything is more fun on the Fire.


I listened to Rachel Maddow’s Fresh Air interview. (It is probably on npr.org and iTunes) First I must say that I love that she has a new book out because she is doing so much press! Yes, I’m a big fan. I wish I could go to one of her book signings. I would just faint…Anyway, Rachel talked about having depression. I can’t imagine doing what she does every night and dealing with that. She said she is a highly functioning depressive.

I’m a moderately functioning depressive. I’ve read about people who literally cannot get out of bed so I know I must be at least moderately functioning. What really resonated with me is her inability to concentrate when she is going through a cycle of depression. She has to read books in one day for her job. When she is depressed, she can’t do that. That is the story of my life right now. I love to read but my lack of concentration makes me sad. 😦 It takes me forever to read these days. I’ve read a lot since I’ve had my KK and thank Buddha for that. Without it, I think I would have given up reading a variety of topics. I would only read the books that really interest me (narrow selection).

I must admit that I enjoy hoarding collecting books more than I do reading the actual books. Concentrating is so hard. I end up getting frustrated. Another plus of the KK is that it can read to you! So while I’m working sometimes I will have that feature on. Of course I like to collect/highlight quotes so I try not to do that with nonfiction books.


One more thing before I go: I would like to thank the kids next door for constantly bouncing that basketball. It reminds me that I cannot take a chance and buy something in the city. Who knows what I will get? music, nonstop barking dogs, bouncing balls etc. Thank you. Thank you. Country, here I come. And here I thought I was a city girl. How things change…..

Another world

Since I received my Kindle something strange has happened. I’m reading again! Well I never really stopped but I have read THREE books in 2012….so far.  I haven’t read that much since high school. I love the comfort of being still and just holding the Kindle with one hand. So relaxing. Also it is easier to read anytime, anywhere. Love it. Love it. Love it.

The only thing I don’t like is the non-renewal of library books. Okay fine don’t let us renew but can we keep the book for 21 days instead of 14? The problem is with the “holds”. I already had a book checked out and then a popular book that I had a hold on became available last night so I had to grab it…or risk not getting it for a while. So now I have to read two books in 14 days. That doesn’t seem like a bad problem to have. But I really hate starting a book and not being able to finish. So I will be doing a lot of reading for the next two weeks.

When school starts back up (in Mid-May) I know I won’t read for enjoyment as much. I already have it planned out how I will use my Kindle as a study aid. I will type my notes (as I always do) and then place the notes on my kindle so I can study anywhere. So I better enjoying my  leisure reading now. It won’t last.

To reiterate – I love how I read like I’m a teenager again. You know how you feel a hobby isn’t what it used to be? That is how I felt with reading. I never stopped loving it but I would do other things (like surf the net) over reading.


AVON (All I have been doing is cleaning my house, working, reading and Avon). So I met with the woman I mentioned in my  last entry, OMG. She put the F in friendly.Needless to say that I didn’t match up to her. I’m sure I came off standoffish. SIGH.

I was tired from working all day and in shock when she asked me to sit down. I had no idea we were going to uh, TALK. I just thought I would hand her the brochure and leave. Well no. She was so excited. Don’t get me wrong, I loooooove seeing people passionate about something…even Avon. It makes me happy. But I was so  not prepared for her. 😉

I don’t know if she will order. She wanted one of  everything. So she may…Of course I may have turned off with my “shyness”. Then came the questions:

Are you married?

Do you have a boyfriend?

Do you go out? (to clubs, I guess)

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! no. no and no. Dear god, please don’t make me talk about that. I have no desire to do any of those things. I’m in love with music, sports (sometimes) and my Kindle. That is all I need.

She was watching Kim and  Koutney Take New York which gave her extra points in my book. 🙂 That reminds me that I am at  least two episodes behind. I need to catch the marathon at the right time.

If she orders, I will be shocked. She seems really interested in selling. I wouldn’t mind getting her set up with that.

I have two consistent customers. One spends about $200 a month on Avon. The other anywhere from $10 – $20 a month. I’m fine with that.

So this pretty much covers what I have been doing. Oh yeah, tonight I may cook chicken parmarsen again, using the same recipe. I do want to try different things but I really love how it came out so why not do it at least once more?

Enough for always

wish I was there

I wanted to type some text before posting these pics but I messed the whole thing up. Anyhow, these photos were taken in August 2011.  (I know – late). It was 95 degrees. I’m still a little bitter about spending $8.00 on visiting the “garden” that day. It was so small. I love nature but I can go to the park for free. I expected to get lost in flowers but all I was, was hot, sweaty and walking around in circles seeing everything twice. At least I got some decent pics.


In my past entry I mentioned not having a smartphone but wanting one. I googled (and binged) everything. The only solution seemed to be “buy an overpriced smartphone with monthly payments and a two year contract”. Well that is not feasible for me. However, while reading the latest issue of PC Magazine on my kindle, I think I found a solution. Unfortunately the solution costs $199 so I won’t be buying it for me but someone else may find this info helpful.

If you want  a smartphone without the phone part, the answer is Samsung Galaxy 4.0 Android MP3 Player. The name is a little misleading to me. If I saw that, I would think “Um, I don’t need a MP3 player!!” Forget the Mp3 part. It can do everything a smartphone does…well except dial out.

Surf the Internet, take photos, play games, and carry your music, videos, and other media wherever you go with the Samsung Galaxy Player 4.0. Powered by Android 2.3.5, the player features a 1 GHz processor, a 4-inch Super Clear LCD touchscreen, and front- and rear-facing cameras. It also gives you access to over 250,000 apps including games, productivity software, and more..

*DROOL* That would be perfect for me!! Did I read “250,000 apps”???! ::dies::  That is exactly what I was looking for. It sounds to good to be true. About the camera: it has horrible reviews so if you plan on taking a lot of pics – don’t buy this gadget. The main drawback for me is that it still doesn’t have 3G. SCREAM. It only connects via wifi. I don’t know about everyone else but we don’t have Wi-fi at work. So I wouldn’t be able keep up with the news, for example.

I love gadgets. I used to know about every new thing. Anyhow, unless I can pay for it in monthly payments (with no interest), I will not be getting the Samsung Galaxy. Sounds like a dream though.

I feel guilty for even thinking about another device, when I have my one week old Kindle. By the way, I just checked out my first electronic library book today! 🙂 I have to finish it in two weeks. Overdrive (name of the website) does not allow renewing. But if no one else is waiting for it, I can just check it out again. My local library doesn’t have a ton of books but it is enough so that I shouldn’t have to keep running to the library. I have about 20 books on my Kindle so far. All but one was free.

I feel silly even typing this but…this kindle thing is overwhelming. In a good way. I know bad overwhelming. But now it is like I want to hoard  electronic books. And I keep thinking about all the 3D books I have to read. Some are mine, some are library books. Do I have time to read on my kindle when I have “real” books to read? I know this sounds nuts. And all I have to do is finish the 3D books first and then I wouldn’t “worry” about it. But I want to use my kindle. Of course I do – it is new to me. See how insane this is!

I keep going in circles in my mind. Why am I reading PC Monthly or an Ebook when I have borrowed 3D books to read? What the #$%^ is wrong with me?

I have issues.

always been a quitter

I’m in love with my Kindle. I’m going to blog about it two days in a row. I found something even more dangerous than books….APPS! I didn’t know the Kindle Keyboard AKA Kindle 3 had apps. I brought 4 yesterday. 3 were .99 and 1 was 1.99. I didn’t go to nuts. The best one is the calender because the two days before I got the Kindle, I was searching everywhere for an electronic scheduler/calender. Everything came back to “get a smartphone”. LOL. Well I can’t afford a smart phone with the monthly payments. So I started looking for PDAs. How old school is that? I was desperate. 😉

The second best app is the notepad. Everything below the line in this post is what I typed during my lunch break, using the notepad app. Love it. I got it for doing my grocery lists. But now I can quickly blog anytime I want. I also brought Scrabble and a yoga app.

When I said the Kindle 3 was a tad slow, I was referring to going to websites. Of course it is slow. Mine doesn’t have 3G! This probably won’t be my last Kindle post. It seems like everyone got a kindle or nook for Xmas. Yay for e-readers!

One bad thing: I broke down and brought a cover for my kindle. $30. THEN I found a headphone case that fits my Kindle perfectly!!! UGH! Amazon already shipped the cover so I’m going to keep it but I really wished I would have realized that my kindle could fit into the damn headphone case. I just don’t want to scratch the screen. I don’t need anything fancy. Oh well.


(This is what I typed during lunch after reading a chapter from a 3D book).

If I quit my job, it might seem brave to others but I’m a known quitter. I give up when I know I can’t succeed. I didn’t join the army because I knew I would not pass basic training. I don’t regret this because I know I would have failed that. Even today I’m 100% sure that I couldn’t have done it. For a perpetually confused person, I know some things about myself. I know what I can do and can’t do.

I do runaway a lot though. I’m the queen of avoidance. That is my form of quitting. So if I quit my job, I would be giving into avoidance. That is not the only reason why I haven’t quit though. The real reason (besides basic fear) is social anxiety and what would I do next? it isn’t like I have some secret dream job. I don’t have any talent. Etc. etc, I mean I have a ton of interests but that is it. And most of the things I would really consider pays near minimum wage or less than what I make now. An example would be a job working with animals I’ve done my research on the pay of those jobs.

So yes I currently hate my job – except when I can do it alone in a quiet room. I dread getting up in the morning. My work and life is suffering. But at this point, I don’t think quitting is the answer.


I went to yoga yesterday. We had the regular teacher back. I was not impressed. Plus her class was too beginner…even for me. The teacher also said, “I feel like I’m  teaching an advanced class” so I wasn’t the only one in the wrong place. I’ve taken 3 classes at this gym for $20. I’ve gotten my money’s worth. I don’t know what I will do next. Everyone says beginning yoga lasts for a year…at least. Well not at this gym. If I can find a good time for “fitness yoga”, I would like to try that. I bet that is challenging.

All Kinds of Kinds

I got a Kindle today! I would never ask for one. Of course I’m not judging others who do, everyone’s financial situation is different. Since my mom isn’t rich, I haven’t asked for anything expensive since I’ve known the value of money. One day she asked me if I knew what a Kindle was. Um, I’m a Amazon.Com fiend. I remember when they used to only sell books. When I’m on the web, 90% of the time I have a tab on Amazon.com.YES I know alllll about the Kindle.

old school kindle

I guess she heard the excitement in my voice as I explained what a Kindle was. And I was lucky enough to actually get one! I got the Kindle Keyboard. I really thought they had stopped making these so imagine my shock when I see a Kindle with a freaking keyboard. Hmm, I wonder how long are they are going to make these. Hopefully long enough for me to buy a $30 cover for it – yes that is the cheapest.

The downside is that there is no 3G on my Kindle. 😦 I don’t need to download a book or newspaper 24/7. However, since I don’t have a smartphone, it would be so nice to be able to Google anywhere. When my car broke down, it would have been really useful to have google to look up locations (and book a cheaper hotel). If/when my GPS is stuck in the car, then I’m lost. I wish this Kindle was the answer.

But the good thing is that I can go into a Barnes & Nobles (Nook, anyone?), McDonalds, Starbucks, some malls, etc to use their wireless.

I’ve been using it all day. Now I’m overwhelmed. LOL. I have 3D books to read. I have about a stack of 6 books to read. Uh, when am I ever going to get to the Kindle? Crime and Punishment and a book of Buddhist quotes were my first downloads. Both were free. I read 80% of Crime and Punishment about 8 years ago. I’ve been meaning to finish it for years. I loved it but school got in the way.

I will never stop reading 3D books….as long as libraries and sites like booksfree.com exist. The Kindle will allow me to always have a (much slimmer) book on me. Except when I forget and leave it at home….just like I do with a regular book!  I still leave my cellphone at home at least twice a month.

Obviously this isn’t a review. I just got it and I had to blog about it. It is heavier and a tad slower than I thought. However, most people will get a Kindle Touch and those two issues don’t exist with those versions. I keep wanting to touch my screen but I don’t have a Kindle Touch. 🙂

I love that it isn’t just for books. I can finally subscribe to newspapers and magazines and NOT have an issue with clutter. I also love that I can clip quotes. I’m a quote collector so this is awesome. I haven’t figured out how to use this feature yet but I need it for my Buddhist book.

Another thing I love is being able to carry .PDF files on it. I assume I will be able to transfer work related PDF documents to my Kindle. I will figure all this out eventually.

I’m sorry for this ramble. This probably makes no sense.  I’m tired. Plus I’m watching a NBA game and trying to listen to a podcast at the same time. #multitasking

Whew. I just checked the gym’s website and yoga is still on for tomorrow, Then Tuesday is back to work.