Miss independent and avoidant

OMG! The damn school kids are back at the park. I think I’m going to go to the park after work even though that messes up my schedule. Anything to avoid the kids. I’m the queen of avoidance. I know they are doing field trips there for a decent reason. Yes, it is nice that the kids get to enjoy the park. But there are much nicer parks than the one in my neighborhood. I think they are taking in the elementary school from the city. That could take a while. We have a lot of elementary schools.

If they weren’t blocking the one and only neighborhood entrance, this wouldn’t be a big deal, but I have my dog with me. He has to pass the kids. Blah, blah, blah. I can’t wait until it’s over.

For #GivingTuesday, I donated to St. Judes. I had planned to donate to The Innocence Project a cause I care deeply about. They do so much good work. I will donate to them soon.

I supported Small Business Saturday through Etsy shops. I did participate in Cyber Monday. I don’t even like Old Navy. I think their clothes suck (or used to think that). But they had 50% off EVERYTHING. Who else did that? So I ordered my mom and sister something for December 25th. I also bought myself a scarf. I will finish my shopping for gift exchange day on December 6th. I’m off from work that day.

The dog training is not going well AT ALL. Did I just waste $200??! WTF? Not good. I think my dog is too reactive and nothing might work on him. It could be 100% me, though. I can’t concentrate on everything she is saying while I’m so nervous. The next and last class is on Friday evening. I don’t even want to go, but maybe there is a chance this training could work. I couldn’t find much online, so I’m pretty much on my own.

Sigh. I’m always on my own. Some people are too dependent on others. I’m too independent.

Well, I have to get back to studying. I was supposed to apply for a job. Someone reached out to me. The pay would be better, but I honestly don’t feel like responding today. I’ll probably respond tomorrow. It might be too late. Whatever. I’m not motivated to change jobs right now. And I’m really not motivated to go on an interview.

Still running

I just purchased my ticket to see Marianne Williamson in January! I must be insane. I’ve spent so much on her. ROFL. Between the New Year Eve retreat and this. Ahh! Insanity. I’m kind of bummed that the reserved ticket doesn’t have a particular seat. There are only 100 reserved tickets available. So I guess no one with a reserved seat will have a bad seat.

After 3 days of silence, the dog trainer finally responded to my email. My dog’s training will be on November 24 (the day after Thanksgiving) and December 1 at 5PM. If I have to drive somewhere, I’m not crazy about the time. That’s rush hour traffic. I would have preferred 4PM, but whatever. I thought she said we were going to meet somewhere during the consultation, but she didn’t mention that in the email so maybe she is coming to my house.

I would say I’m glad she responded, but I was finally accepting that it wasn’t going to happen. I was happy. I don’t have to pay $200?? Score! But then I got the email. I thought this was the way of the universe saying the training wasn’t going to work and don’t even bother. Now I just hope it works. It better!

I bought some items for gift exchange day (AKA December 25th). I usually try to finish by November 1, but I’m in no rush this year. I’m just glad I got started. I don’t have to do anything for Thanksgiving because I don’t acknowledge it. I write what I’m grateful for daily in my planner, so I don’t need a special day for it. Yes, I’m eating alone on that day. Well, my dog will be there staring at my face. Can’t forget about him. 😉

HOW CAN I FORGET ABOUT HIM WHEN HE IS COSTING ME $200. No, I’m not mad. :/

What I am mad about is the school kids at the damn park. Please go away. I can’t stand it. What is going on? Who had the bright idea of bringing kids to the park in November? Yes, last November was warm. But this year hasn’t been warm. Well, today was 65 degrees, but one day when the kids were there, it was only 34 degrees!! I didn’t care about the cold when I was a kid. Maybe that is how most kids are. I have no idea.

Anyway, they have been there 4 days out of 5. They block my only entrance to the park. The first day was a disaster. My dog started barking at the kids. The kids started barking back at my dog, and the adults didn’t tell the kids to stop! One girl screamed in his face like she was in a horror film. WTF? Go back to school. Lol. I don’t even care much about that. I just don’t like passing crowds of people. I can’t wait for the field trips to go away.

I just want to enjoy my walks at the park with my dog. What a concept! This too shall pass. I hate having to pass crowds. If it were like that every day, I would change the time I go to the park.

This week I…

Music of the week (my top 8):  Ed Sheeran, Pink, Kelsea Ballerini, Ryan Adams, Sam Smith, Paula Cole, Nelly Furtado, Shawn Mendes

I’m starting to work on my top albums of 2017. I was going to do top 17 albums of 2017, but I wrote out all the releases I enjoyed, and I have to do a top 20 list. Some albums I enjoyed will still get left off even with a top 20.

TV of the week: basketball, news, RHOA, Survivor

Movie of the week: None

Podcasts of the week: Accused, Oprah’s SuperSoul Conversations

Books of the week: Now reading –

Planner update: Plans of the week in my Erin Condren Planner

DSCN0570

Plans for the Weekend: Grocery shopping and studying. Nothing special. Looking forward to only working 3 days next week. I will be studying with that extra time and taking long walks at the park.

Thanks for reading! Have a wonderful weekend. 🙂

Could’ve been all these things

The sheer amount of resources being spent right now by press trying to simply uncover whether or not I am pregnant (for the bajillionth time… but who’s counting) points to the perpetuation of this notion that women are somehow incomplete, unsuccessful, or unhappy if they’re not married with children.

I sort of went on a Twitter rant. Well, it was Jennifer Aniston’s fault. Thanks for saying what some of us have been saying for YEARS. Everyone doesn’t have to have kids. Everyone doesn’t have to get married. I think some people think because their life was empty before those things, that EVERYONE else must feel that way too. Um, we are all different.

I feel bad for the people who claim they had no meaning before kids. WTF were they doing? How empty were their lives? How sad. Some women (and men) live for their kids, and while they may judge me as pathetic, I think the same of them. Get a fucking life. It’s not that hard.

Stop living through your kids. That is not attractive. There are women who have lives outside of their kids, and I admire these women because that is not the norm.

Kids this, kids that. Do these people have anything else to talk about? Are they human?

Ignore me. I just had the most meaningless therapy session. (I would still go to therapy if I had kids so stop with that BS). She said nothing worthwhile. I said nothing worthwhile. Here’s hoping the next session in two weeks is better. Now, of course, my job offers ONLINE therapy sessions. If I had known that I would have done that before going back to my old therapist.

Oh well. I’m just waiting to hear back about the part time job.

I can’t believe the Republican convention is next week. That should be fun.

The whole “All lives matter” vs. “Black lives matter” is getting on my nerves. All lives matter…no shit. These people are missing the point of BLM. Who are we dealing with here? I don’t want to call anyone dumb. lol.

I’ve thought racist things. I’ve thought homophobic things. Why can I admit this but others can’t? Don’t call me racist or homophobic though. ROFL. I wouldn’t call most people that for their biases. I just want people to admit that they judge others based on race or whatever. People don’t even know what is in their own brains, or they just don’t admit it.

The Bobby Brown autobiography is so good. I’m almost done with it and I just started. It’s a page turner. I don’t understand why Johnny Gill is almost completely missing from the book. Maybe I’m confused about New Edition or something. I don’t know.

I’m just spouting random shit. Gotta go.

 

As cool as I am

I was feeling a little down this weekend. So I turned off the TV and computer. I listened to music instead, focusing only on the music. Most importantly I spent time outside. It was just me, my dog and my Kindle Keyboard (NOT the Fire). I enjoyed nature and got a ton of reading done. It cleared my mind. I mean, I wasn’t happy or anything. 😉 It was a great mood booster though. Yep, I have to do that more.

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I’m trying to avoid certain things on the internet because it is a time waster. You click on one link then another etc. I get a lot of news from the net. With my twitter app, I don’t even have to get on the net to get news anymore. I’m still an Amazon.com fiend. That is my vice.

Something I ran across a while ago really perturbed me. I found some disturbing articles/blog posts about the childfree “movement”. ROFL.

I have to laugh. I do consider myself childfree because guess what? I don’t have kids! Why is being childfree worth noting? Because  the majority of people have kids . There is also the presumption that every human wants kids. Not having kids is a lifestyle choice for me.

But…..

  • I don’t hate kids. I don’t judge others who do. I know only ONE childfree person who actually hates kids. Despises them. That’s not me. I don’t go out of my way to avoid kids but I’m rarely around them. I mean, I try to avoid people in general so of course I’m not going to be around kids. (more on that later…) For the most part kids remind me of innocence.
  • I’m not a feminist. I was shocked to see childfreedom and feminism linked. I’m the least feminist person on the planet. I don’t even identify as female. It would probably be one of the last things I list about myself unless I know someone wants to know. I seriously think linking these two is wrong and/or a mistake. People choose not to have kids for several reasons.
  • I don’t care if others have kids BUT the way society applauds motherhood as if they are saints or something…please, can everyone agree that that is bullshit? If not, that is part of the problem. heh. It isn’t the kids or the majority of parents who are the problem. It is just society in general. If I have a kid 9 months from now, will I be worthy? (sarcasm).
  • I’m not mad or angry. I don’t care. Just don’t say stupid shit like “a woman isn’t a woman until she has kids”. WTF? Seriously. I’m not caught up in being a woman anyway so what do I care? It is just annoying. And please don’t think all woman are meant to be nurturers or parents. That is just wrong.

The whole people misunderstanding why people call themselves childfree is bothersome. We are not childless. A childless person wants kids or is thinking about maybe having them one day. We made the decision to not have kids and we couldn’t be happier with all the perks. For parents, having kids is full of perks so they are happy with their decision. They enjoy being parents. I think sane people get this.

There are extremists on both sides.

What do I care whether someone has a kid or not? Okay it kind of sucks when your friend has a kid and has no time for you because his/her life revolves around the kid. But that’s life. I haven’t had this experience directly. (Most of my acquaintances already have kids or don’t have any). But even I kind of feel like “another one got away” when someone announces “we’re pregnant!!”. It is selfish but I know that person life is going to dramatically change.

Back to the disliking kids thing: I do say I hate people…a lot. haha. PEOPLE, not kids. Yes kids are people. Call me a people-ist if you want. I don’t care. I  say it out of anger. Once I was in Wal-Mart and I did say it quite loud. Oh, and there was this time in a thrift store when a bunch of people pissed me off. When I get really angry, people are usually my target. But I also hate inanimate objects  when they piss me off so I have issues. Whatever.

Yeah, people suck when they suck. 95% of the time I am directing my anger towards adults because I think they should know better. It is hard for me to get angry at a kid.

I’m rambling now. I was just shocked at how parents viewed childfree people. Please don’t think the extremists on internet forums define all of us. I would totally watch your kids if I knew what to do.

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For the record, the title of this entry is named after a Dar Williams song. I’m not cool.

Don’t Ask

It’s rainy on the east coast. My cat and I have slept all day. I was supposed to go grocery shopping today. I go every 3 weeks. I take my mom since she doesn’t drive. Every once in a while she can’t go at the 3 week mark. That always throws me off. I hate going to Walmart because it isn’t the closest place and it is of course it is crowded. Going to Kroger’s is more convenient and I love it but it doesn’t seem smart to waste money that way. I’ve done it before and it is hard to justify spending more money when I can go to Walmart.

I’m high on liquid Tylenol. Hence the sleeping all day. I only take pain meds for cramps. Tylenol is the least effective but it is all I have. Oh my point is I feel like crap so that is why I didn’t go get groceries. I will force myself to go during the week. I don’t have anything to drink but at least I have food.
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It was great to cry tears of relief or maybe joy and not have anyone around to judge me for it. I’m proud of myself for sending a thank you email to my manager. I always procrastinate. Then it is ‘too late’ to say/do anything. Even though I waited a week, I still sent a thank you and didn’t use the ‘too late’ excuse. I hate being vulnerable. But I don’t even regret it. It’s been 24 hours. I can’t take it back. However, in the past I would have wondered if it I did the right thing. Basically I would have been a mess. Now not so much.

I have a lot of crap I’m trying to work through without blogging about it. I thought about just not blogging at all. Just taking a break but an interesting conversation happened:

THE HAVINGS KIDS CONVO

LOL. How I love this…or not. While they were talking I wanted to ask, “Have you considered adoption?” But of course they have! They aren’t stupid and they have a bunch of people butting into their business. Never mention adoption. OF COURSE, the person has thought about it. You aren’t the first one to suggest it. I’m so glad I didn’t open my mouth. Normally I don’t think of saying anything but the woman saying “Kids don’t cost anything” (hehehe) made me squirm.

She wants this woman to have kids because she believes in manners*. squirm. Don’t react in any way even though she is sitting right next to you. Don’t you think this woman is getting enough pressure from her own family??? Please don’t add to it. Besides her husband will be more financially “stable” soon. It’s not like she’s me where it is never going to happen.

*As if that is a guarantee that her kids will. ROFL.

I do agree that if you wait until you have money to have kids, you may never have them. Personally I think having kids with my financial situation would be irresponsible. It’s a personal choice. Maybe $$ is what people unsure of having kids say. Maybe she already knows she doesn’t want kids (but doesn’t want to say it). Maybe she can’t have kids. Etc.

I now think that asking people about having kids should be on the no-no list along with politics and religion when it comes to coworkers. These people barely know each other. They have known each other for less than a week. Maybe they didn’t get anything out of it but I did – NEVER ASK A PERSON ABOUT KIDS. If the person has kids, she/he will bring it up within 5 minutes. LOL. If the person does not mention kids: Don’t ask. This also reminds me of another conversation I overheard. Someone asked a woman how many kids she had. One of her kids had cancer and died. She is probably used to answering this question since people can’t refrain from bringing it up but geez…

Just don’t ask. Unless the person asks you first. This happens to me with new people all the time. I’ll say “No kids” and then I’ll ask the person whether they have any just to keep the conversation flowing. (I used to not do that but I’m learning – haha) I don’t really care. I would rather hear about your pets. When people say they have kids, I have no idea what I’m supposed to say next. “Um, that’s nice.” I have no clue. I haven’t learned that part yet. How do I feign interest? I suck at faking it. Really suck.

Ugh, I have so much to do. It is 7PM on Sunday and I haven’t officially gotten up yet. Groan.

a kid after my heart

I would be far less stressed if I had just stayed at home!! Duh. This better be worth it. I don’t know how people get married and stuff…I’ve always said that if I get married, I’m going to City Hall. I woudf wear a simple purple dress/skirt.

I left ALL my clothes at home. I didn’t want to buy anything special for this JM concert. I just got back from Burlington Coat Factory. I’ve never been there prior to today. Thrift shops have better selections. (Or Ross which I saw on the way to the hotel but it must be in the opposite direction because I couldn’t find it). It took me an hour to find an outfit! And I hate shopping. I never spend that long on clothes. Anyhow, I’m wearing a t-shirt and cropped leggings. I wanted to wear a sundress but their selection was horrible.

I’m pleased with the T-shirt though because it isn’t a plain jane one. It is like the one I saw in New York but their was only one and they didn’t have my size. So yay, I found a replica. Love it.

I left my sunglasses at home too. My stylish off-the-street $5 NYC glasses so I brought another pair because my anxiety is at a high and I think I will be wearing these until John comes on stage. The first pair I saw I wanted to grab but then I noticed they were Jessica Simpson! ROFL. Yes, because of John Mayer, I put those sunglasses back and got another pair. haha. 🙂

At the store I heard a four to five year old girl whining, “I can’t faaaaaaaake it!” She said it twice to her mom. How did she get my kid? 😉 I never said anything like that as a kid. I surely never screamed, whined or misbehaved in public. I do remember my mom saying I made “smart” remarks (as in talking back, I guess) but I do not recall. I was one of those little adult types. I was rarely around kids. Anyhow, that mom has a handful or maybe she’s just an introvert. Don’t make her faaaaaake it!

Well back to my stress fest. How could I forget my clothes? I’m delusional. I brought all my school stuff – haha. It’s like I wanted to kid myself into thinking I was going to be able to relax and study. I’m a moron. But I’ve barely studied. I am going to do that now.

Here’s hoping I don’t get lost again.

get away with murder

I’m pissed right now. Why is it that parents can get away with murder? It is the only group that can get away with almost anything. And it is voluntary! Most people (94.6%) weren’t born with this condition. They chose it! No one ever calls them on it. The drug addict with kids: “She did the best she could.” WTF??? Why did you have kids in the first place? HAVING KIDS IS A Privilege!!

Hello? Am I the only sane person on earth? I should be thankful that I get this. That I know me having kids is wrong. But dammit, it makes me so angry when they act like it’s a right. And I have pets. I’m not perfect. I’m selfish with it sometimes. I wanted the pet so I got the pet. I didn’t think about the vet bills. I didn’t want to think about the vet bills. It was all about me wanting a pet because I never had one growing up. And gosh darn it, when I turned 18 I got my dog (from the animal shelter) because I’d been deprived. *scoff* Silly but true.

Why this outburst NOW? Because I have flat feet. And it hurts when I walk long distances. I’m 100% sure my mom knew about this because my sister had it and guess what? She got it corrected!!! Now I walk funny every freaking day and get made fun of all the time. Which is NOTHING compared to the pain I have and the future problems.

Thanks a lot mom. You didn’t do your best. You were selfish. You wanted kids and you had them.  At all cost. Simple as that.

Is our culture ever going to change? Or are people going too keep acting like having kids is their right? Pisses me off that people have kids so casually. And then take no responsibility. You can’t blame them for anything. They can do no wrong. Parents are saints. ROFL.

It’s ridiculous. Is every country like this? WHY? Lol. I’m sorry but I see shit like this every day. I’m going to have a kid no matter what my circumstances are because it is my right and I want one. WAKE THE FUCK UP.

No, I don’t mean any of this. I’m just pissed because I have flat feet. And who has to pay for this shit NOW?

FUCK $%^

We All Need Saving

You = the world

Sometimes I feel like I do some much to placate you. And what do I get in return: not good enough.

Sometimes I get mad @ you because all you do is look on the surface and judge. I want to scream at you, WHY DO YOU THINK YOU HAVE A BRAIN? ..just to observe the surface?

How dare you call me selfish. I want. I want. You (my Western friend) are selfish too. I’m in survival mode when things are bad. I’m glad you aren’t living that way cause it isn’t much of a life. I’m not calling myself unselfish but if that is all you see, then you are blind. What about you? Why did you do x, y, z? It’s easy to use kids as an example because so many people have them. What is that? I want. I want. Me having a kid would be the worst thing ever (especially using my genes). However, I can’t use that as an example of being unselfish because I don’t want (I want, I want) kids.

Everything I do is for my kids. I believe you. (NO SARCASM). But having kids and taking care of them is responsible not saint like or unselfish. I do admire you because I know when I get home from work after I draining day, I would not be a patient, caring etc mother. I can’t take the pets following me around after I’m drained.

Sometimes I act out because I’m so sick of doing it all for you. I try hard for you. (Oh, this has nothing to do with the selfish thing. I’m over that). I’m not myself because I know it is what you want…yet I fail (by your standards) so I feel angry. I did this shit, I didn’t want to do -oops “I want”?- to appease you, yet you let me know daily how much I suck.

Death is a gift for the good.

I spend a lot of time studying people. Sometimes I think I have it all figured out. Some of what the experts spout is all too simple. “People are afraid of what they don’t know”. Hmm, let me tell you about that.

I am all the things you unconsciously hate about yourself. & vice versa when it comes to you. I am all the things I secretly admire about you but to scared to show.

I want to go out without taking a shower today…and I want you not to judge me. LOL. Not happening. Sometimes a little is all I can do and when you tear that die it is a gut wrenching pain that I often ignore. I turn into “whatever” person because it is the easiest way to cope at that moment.

to be continued…if it’s the last thing I ever do.

asocial in a social world part I

I’ve been so busy. Normally I would have erased my previous post the next day. LOL. Skip the first part to read about me having a kid at 40 years old.
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Asocial : not social: as a: rejecting or lacking the capacity for social interaction

I’ll try to explain something. I know people with social anxiety will get it. But I think people who have been emotionally abused or are highly sensitive can get this too. I don’t know how this will go. The average person will just think “she’s crazy”. That’s one reason I don’t open up to people. Only 1% of the reason.

Someone in my department asked me to go to lunch. We are going next week. This wasn’t the first time she asked. This is probably the 3rd or 4th time. Once we agreed not to go. The other times we “forgot”. I should be happy to possibly have ONE friendly face @ work. But I’m not because people are complicated. It is too hard to keep up a social charade. I don’t have enough energy to be anyone other than myself. I can’t. keep. any. act. up. (cannot reiterate enough). I also can’t lie. I suck at it. And I naturally tell the truth.

Here’s the problem with people I see daily. work or wherever I would go daily.

1. Before anything even happens, I’m thinking “ugh, I have to speak to her everyday.” This isn’t about a conversation. Saying hi FIRST is extremely hard for me. And I never say bye. Speaking is assuming YOU care. Why should you care about me when we aren’t friends? I know most people do it naturally. They smile, speak and ask “How are you?” without giving a damn. I have not gotten that concept down. If I ask how you are, it is because I want to know details about whatever ‘it’ is.

This is a problem because I dread this shit. I don’t even bother faking it for one day because I know I’m not doing it daily. This is partially social anxiety thing plus being emotionally fucked with in the past.

2. I don’t do small talk. I know a lot of people HATE it. But guess what they can do it! It just doesn’t click in my brain to talk about random stuff I don’t care about. This is probably why I will never have friends. (BTW, I’m open to one close friend not friends). okay so like I’m supposed to talk about the like weather? Are you serious? I want to know your thoughts on soul mates or what your favorite music is. I’d even talk religion or politics….as long as the other person is open minded enough to not be offended. I’m considered radical where I live.

The walls I have around me are made of steel. I would rather you hate me…and you do 🙂 before I open myself up to you.

I’m ending part I. I will probably post part II this weekend if I can break away from studying. It is about intrusion.
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This is completely random. I have no desire to have a kid right now. none. In fact I say, “Thank god I don’t have kids” at least 5 times a week. I’m 29 years old. I’ve decided that at 40, I will made a decision about ‘having’ a child. I would have to have my dream house and be content with life. I’m too much of a pessimist to believe that will happen. To me that is a dream…a possible dream.

There are many problems with this: I don’t want to bring a kid into the world. There are enough kids in America who desperately need homes. There is no desire for me to have a mini-me. And I don’t want to spread my genes. Seriously.

That leads to two more dilemmas.

*Morally (FOR ME – I’M NOT JUDGING OTHERS), I don’t believe in bringing a child into the world without a male role model. I don’t have male friends so….and no there is no male in my family to do this. I have no moral problems with being a single parent or being a gay family but there must be a male figure in my kid’s life. A constant person. A person I can trust and count on.

*I want a potty trained kid. Thanks. Okay that isn’t the problem. The problem is who would give me a child? I could have sex with someone (no thank you) and have a kid, but ME passing through the adoption process?? LOL. I’m serious about the potty trained part. I don’t know how old the kid would have to be…I know nothing about kids or babies.

Therefore, at 40 I will probably not have my one adopted kid. Too many problems. But I’m making the kid decision in 11 years. I just want the world to know.