send the pain below

ARGH! Avon frenzy. FUCK. Okay, why don’t I just stop selling it? Because every time I plan to, someone calls or gives me a big order. I’m so unorganized. And I don’t care about Avon – LOL- as much as others do. So why am I selling it? Why am I doing anything in my life? Nothing is what I want. Things just fall into my lap and I just do it (or avoid it). Sigh.

Tomorrow I’m meeting this new woman. I’m giving her a few brochures. The problem is I told her AFTER noon. She thought I said “around noon“. So what do I do? Go at noon and be about 15 minutes late back to work from lunch or wait until I get off? ^$%^ I hate this. If I had her email, I would just email her but I’m not calling. I talked to her more than I’ve talked to anyone other than my mom on the phone today. SO…

Gotta decide that. I probably won’t decide it until I get to work. Then she wants me to leave some brochures at a popular high school! OMG. If these students order, I hope they email me. I. don’t. do. phones. well. ^&%# Am I in over my head or what?

Expletive. Expletive. I need to get organized and take Avon seriously. 🙂 I think this is just until Valentine’s Day so *whew*, not a long term thing.



The same thing that JNx did to me is happening to her son. And just like JNx did the person is lying about it. Karma or coincidence? I believe in karma, some people don’t. But I see it every single day. Some people have faith in God. I have faith in karma. I couldn’t believe it. Isn’t that weird? What she did to me is happening to her son………………… WOW. Interesting.

Does she put the two together? I bet the answer is NO. rofl. Gotta love people.


I’m slightly overwhelmed. I did do one whole hour of OT on Monday. Woohoo! Overtime will probably be done in February so I’m just doing a few hours. I wanted to stay today but I was sort of fed up with work (not the people).


I had sweets and high fructose corn syrup today. Not soda but close enough. Yum! 😉


I have to post some Kindle anecdote every time I blog. Someone got a Kindle for Christmas and only used it once and put it back in the box! That’s abuse. I was outraged when I heard this but what can I do? Is there a kindle abuse number? I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to mention what happened to my kindle. Don’t worry, it is still working. 😉 But I hit it on something and the screen is 100% fine but there is a scratch on the bottom part. It is too close to the screen. Trust me, I am worried. I can’t live without a kindle now. If it were to break, I would get a new one ASAP.

My kindle was a gift. I do not have the receipt. As far as I know it is in the trash. So I don’t know if I would get the discount that other people with Kindle problems have.

Typing that out breaks my heart. I love my kindle. I want him to be mine and safe forever (or for at least 3 years).

I did not intentionally abuse him! Please don’t report me.

Things I Never Needed

People who are outraged at the Casey Anthony verdict must not believe in karma….at all. It always amazes me how many people really don’t believe in it. People that do aren’t vindictive. They know people will get what is coming to them. There is no reason to wish harm on someone (that is probably bad karma…lol). There aren’t many things I believe in but karma is so obvious that I can’t help but believe in it.

I can’t wait for the media to stop talking about the case. Yes, pass Caylee’s Law but they need to put an age limit in. It takes a lot for police to get worked up over a 16 year old missing for 24 hours unless foul play is suspected. Although I guess people just want it reported. I’ve heard too much about police rolling their eyes over a missing “runaway”. In hindsight, “Caylee’s Law” seems like an obvious law. Doesn’t it?
I’m having a consultation on house maintenance tomorrow. This is another reason why I want to live in an apartment. Then maybe after the outdoor stuff gets fixed, I can get a working refrigerator! Instead of eating ONLY canned food (high in sodium), I’ve been eating beef daily. I’m so not used to that but I bet it is better than eating processed food 24/7.

Last night was strange. At 10PM, there was a shoot out. I know they aren’t using real guns because I know what a real gun sounds like…and I think the police would have came by. It was so loud and obnoxious. It would have been funny if I weren’t paralyzed by fear. That is the problem. Right now I’m typing slowly because I don’t know when the next thing will go off. It’s hard to explain. Basically after a certain time, I don’t move in my house. The problem is that I’m a night person and get stuff done at night.

I’m going to yoga after work tomorrow. I’m scared…not terrified but definitely scared. If this were a 1st or 2nd class, I’d be more excited than scared. But it is probably her 4th class and the instructor will want to move quickly through the basic poses. I just hope the class is small. (less than 6 people). The night classes are packed! As I was leaving, there were so many people there. They were talking. GASP! Yeah, I think I will only do two more classes there and then try to get started doing yoga/pilates at work. It is cheaper. The studio at work has mirrors all around the room. I hope that doesn’t freak me out too much.

I just need a doctor’s note before the first class. That sounds easy but I don’t have a doctor (again). I’ll figure something out once I know when the classes start.

I’ve been so blah lately that I’ve been thinking about going to school in the fall. If I do, it will only be one class. I just think I might regret not taking something during the middle of the semester. I dunno.

hate being an earthling

I’m sad but what else is new?

lot of snow for one hour

We are supposed to get a foot of snow. I guess I’m not going to the library tomorrow OR work. I was just going to work a couple hours but oh well. If I don’t have to leave, I’m not. I’m glad I got my dog her xmas gift. But what about my cat? She is really picky and enjoys the toys she has so….I probably won’t get her anything. Bad pet mom.

I got bit in the ass by karma. Bad karma. I totally deserve it for breaking a rule. It isn’t work related (Thank da universe!).

Indulgence in vice… materialistic attractions never propel one towards success in life! Gaining materialistic comforts does not mean gaining success in life. Whatever our position in society today… whatever our material or materialistic accomplishments… at the time of death of body… that which manifests in next manifestation are our virtues… resulting from positive karma!

I shouldn’t care but I don’t understand how anyone can deny karma exists. If people are paying attention, they will see it in their lives everyday. Every time when someone says, “That’s what I get…” Karma! But people like to talk about undeveloped countries and death of “good” people to point out how karma can’t be real. *groan* Tired of that argument. And life on earth is hell. Death is a gift. I’m not going on a karma tangent.

I don’t know about Jupiter, but shy people are the most misunderstood person on Earth. This is what fuels my anger, depression, anxiety etc. How would anyone feel if they are constantly being judged INCORRECTLY? Just because of something you can’t 100% control. (some do get less shy). Hell you would hate people too. Hate is a strong word but I’m highly annoyed by people especially when they are in groups. I know I’m not the only one…I just wish people would TRY to understand. Instead they use that energy to judge.


30 years old, no relationship, no friends except for co-workers who laugh at me behind my back … There was a time that I tried to make friends and tried hard to fit in but I have stopped caring now.

Even if I had someone beside me I would worry all day that the person doesn’t really like me or put them off by not getting on with them as other girls do. Come to think of it, being alone is so much more comfortable than having to deal with the crap. So you see, there are pros and cons in both sides and I think the side I am in now is better. I really don’t care anymore except maybe on a Friday night

there are others out that. Hate reading those message boards. I feel helpless. 😦

A lot of people throughout my life have pointed out my lack of talking/quietness. I think they are simply bewildered at the thought of me showing no “real” personality. They have been around me for months, perhaps even years, and yet they don’t really know me, and they wonder, “can he really be this lifeless, this dull, and this uninspiring?”

Of course, the point of displaying such a lack of personality is so that it won’t be out there for someone to judge. If there is no real personality, then they can’t judge the real me.

But honestly, it doesn’t even matter if I WANTED to put my personality out there, because my body, mind, and soul have all learned that this is the best way to deal with things. To just shut down and be “lifeless.” Even though I am actually full of life, ideas, opinions, humor, etc. I squish it all down and don’t dare show it to anyone. If I try, then I am fighting what have ingrained into myself.

So I don’t want to be this lifeless drone trying to offend anyone, always being way too weak and unassertive, so I will of course fight it till whenever it is I overcome it or die. What I hope to accomplish is to at least not be defined by this quietness or “lack of personality.”


I have experienced this at work. People say to my face, “Wow. You’re even quieter than _____ (another quiet person where I work).” I just get angry at that. What am I supposed to say to that?? I end up thinking people who make comments like this are rude. I get passive-aggressive and become even less talkative in their presence. “Screw them” is my general attitude. Another person at work made a comment about my demeanor, saying, “You’re so quiet!” I actually verbalized my feelings that time, saying, “Well, how do you expect me to act? You want me to be someone I’m not?”

If anyone wants to kill me for posting their quotes, feel free.

case of the Fridays

I had the worst day ever………at work.

I let them win. I REACTED. Multiple times but I didn’t say anything. LOL. It’s the same ol’ story.

They don’t like me b/c I don’t talk to them. That’s simplified obviously. Continuing: They (85%) gang up on me. I don’t have any allies.

As I’ve said by Friday my nerves are frayed. I could feel them frying yesterday. Seriously. I got up walked around AND SOMEONE TOLD PEOPLE IN MY DEPARTMENT. I hate tattle tales. Hate them (not talking about illegal activity, of course). D is the #1 tattler. She doesn’t want me there and she also tells the manager EVERYTHING. Keep in my mind, I’m not doing anything unethical.

ex: She told everyone (15 peeps in our department) that I would go to the stairwell and eat my breakfast. Um, yes I can’t eat breakfast @ home. It’s too early and I’m too nauseous to eat. Once my stomach semi-settles, I’ll eat a yogurt bar with my coffee. I try to keep it under 8 minutes. Most days that is easy but some days I check my voice mail and it’s something bad I have to respond to. That’s rare but anyway it is silly because they are up for 30 minutes at a time talking to another person. This is strange to me because at my last job we had to work 95% of the time. It was logged. There wasn’t any getting up.

It bothered me because I would always make up that time by taking a shorter lunch or just adding five minutes to the day, something I didn’t have to do.

That’s probably a bad example but my point is I FEEL LIKE I’M JAIL. How would you feel if someone reported every little thing you do??!! It probably started because the manager didn’t know much about me.


I know it is all about perception but sometimes shit is what it is.

YES I WENT OFF. I threw my notebook around – not on the floor I work on. I slammed it down twice in is what is a semi-empty lobby. Meaning there isn’t a reception area but there are people in closed rooms. whatever.

The bad things are I raced my car out the parking lot while throwing my hands in the air. If anyone read my lips they probably figured out I said hate a few times but that isn’t the worse thing…

This is the meltdown part: I put my middle finger down (YES – always down but I do mean “fuck you”). I used to do this by hiding my hand/finger under my desk a couple of years ago but then I started getting more into Buddhism. So I’m extremely frustrated with myself. We have cubicles so I doubt anyone saw…okay seriously I probably did it under my desk at least 3-4 times. I think the tattle tale might have seen it.* I think she is the first person I’ve hated since high school. I try to work on it but it’s a little hard when the person keeps doing things.

*It wasn’t b/c I had an issue with her today and I’m sure she knows that.

Of course they gathered around to talk about how I shouldn’t be there. They’ve wanted me gone for months. This stings but I’m not going to worry about it. If the universe sees it is fit it will punish me (and them0. It’s called karma. sometimes I feel like my life is one cosmic mess or mistake.

Well I won’t let this ruin my weekend. Fridays are soooooo hard. My mom is outta town. I’m going to crash at her house and watch movies. I want to see Nick & Norah. (she has Ondemand w/ all the channels) and I may go to the mall to get my makeup done. No MAC for me. I just want my makeup done to a.) take a picture for a website and b.) so I can order the products from Avon. I only have 50% off for 5 more days. I have to buy makeup even though I know I won’t use it every day.

And I really want to do online Avon charity events. There won’t be much in it for me money wise but then at least Avon can be more than fashion/beauty. It can be my purpose in life. Btw, they do a lot for breast cancer research and they don’t test on animals. avon is a good company. 🙂

posting more soon. 750 words. whew.

I’m at your service

I’ve figured out my purpose in life. Excuse me for being selfish but what’s in it for me? Two people who never really talked, bonds over gossiping over me. Great. I’m glad you have friends now. And of course everyone can look at me/observe me and feel better about themselves. Wonderful. Is that all there is?? Oh yeah, way more than 2 people have bonded over talking about me. Everyone else seems to have a purpose. If this is really my purpose in life then it must be karma. I don’t believe in being punished for past lives but….I must have been a serial killer in my last life to have such a dismal purpose. :/

Anger repression.
My whole life I’ve been repressing my anger. I let people throw things at me. I never said a thing. I let people push me. I never said a thing. I sit and listen to people talk about me. Never say a thing. etc.

People must be out of their mind, if they think I’m going to just take this shit. They call me crazy??? How crazy is their behavior? “We are going to talk about her, say she has diseases (or fill in the blank), mock her clothing and her gait, and laugh at her?” And this is at my current place of work.

WHO WOULD PUT UP WITH THIS? NO ONE. People who repress their anger GO OFF. This is how shooting sprees happen. Read through the VA Tech files. He never said a thing and then he killed 30 people.

So no, I’m not going to feel bad about putting up my middle finger. Yes I meant “FUCK YOU”. This chick who usually works at home came into the office. She was ranting about me. She’s laughed before but nothing like this. This time she was starting stuff. So after an hour or so, I placed my hand under my desk and put up my middle finger. Not in her direction. I guess it was more at the world. Anyhow, one of my coworkers walked by and saw me. Of course she told. LOL.

Then days later she says to ‘no one’: It’s amazing what people will do when they think no one is looking.

WTF? No, I didn’t want anyone to see. That’s why I placed my hand under the desk. But I WAS DOING THIS FOR ME. It made me feel better. Here I am just sitting and listening to people make fun of me??? AND I’M NOT SUPPOSED TO DO ANYTHING? How ignorant is that? This is why I think I know more about human behavior than the average outgoing person. It’s because I observe but that is another entry.

It would be nice if I had another way to get the anger out. Eventually I want to be able to do deep breathing at my desk but as of right now, I’m too anxious (rigid) to do that. Getting up doesn’t really help. Walking around and sitting for about 10 minutes helps a tiny bit but I’m not exactly supposed to be doing that. (And I’m not complaining to my boss, scared of repercussions).

Sticking up my middle finger isn’t nice but neither is what they are doing. I know I need to come up with a better way to express my anger. I don’t do it everyday. Sometimes I just get sick of it. And it feels good to tell the world to FUCK OFF.

Goal: No middle finger for the rest of the week. 🙂

the american way

damn obama wants everything done now or rather yesterday.
you know people in so called 3rd world countries are probably happier than we are. when people ask about how does the law of attraction, the universe, or karma work for them, they use it as an excuse to not believe. i don’t care who believes but don’t use that lame excuse. i believe in buddhism just as much other religions believe in their god.

“they” don’t have the obsession over material things like many americans. they find joy in the simple things like family, celebrations etc. poor doesn’t equal unhappiness. they have wisdom i can only dream about. they enjoy nature.

so assuming they are unhappy and therefore the laws of the universe doesn’t exist is just plain ignorant. the american way isn’t the only way.

and i don’t believe for a second that any death is due to karma. i don’t like using that word because people have different definitions. there are people in often bombed countries that go to college everyday even though they know the bus could be bombed. i see a different kind of optimism or faith in these countries.

to be continued
i’m over this online thing. any friends i make will be in 3D. screw twitter, myspace, all forums and facebook. 🙂