Living inside a dream

Edited to add: I GOT MY $150 GIFTCARD FROM AMAZON TODAY!!! Happy Valentines Day to me. (I totally mean to yell cuz this is exciting shit).


Ugh! I have jury duty on Thursday. What do I do with my dog all day? And I’m off on Friday. I have a long overdue oil change scheduled. I hope I don’t get picked so I won’t have to cancel that. It would suck to be at the court on my day off. I’ve been “on call” for jury duty since January. I was hoping they forgot about me. Oh well. My main concern is my dog. It would probably be best to leave him at home and see how he does. If he and my mother got along (lol), I would drop him off with her.

I just don’t want him stressed in his crate and coming back to a mess. I could drop him off at daycare but if I have training at work or something, he will have to learn to stay by himself for long periods of time. I refuse to spend money on daycare daily!

Edited to add: I left him alone on Feb. 14 for almost 5 hours and everything went fine. He probably would not agree. He was stressed out.

Speaking of money, I’m doing a no spend for 30 days. I’m starting on March 1st. There will be exceptions like groceries (of course!) and maybe obedience school for my dog. I really need to do this. I’m currently keeping up with every dime I spend in my planner. I need to stop visiting Panera Bread and buying things for my planners.


10 days until I can use my Plum Paper Planner (squeal!!!)

16 days until my #NoSpend

89 days until my cabin vacation

To be honest things are going so well with my Kikki.K planner, I don’t really feel the NEED for using my Plum Planner. But I will use it. I want to know what to get for 2016. I have a feeling I won’t be buying anything because I can use both of my Kikki.K planners next year. No need for a spiral bound…unless I fall in love with it. I won’t know until I start using it.

Writing things down really works for me. If I write it down, I do it more often than not. I have my evenings scheduled. I even schedule a time for knitting and reading! It isn’t perfect yet. I’m still working on it.

This Week I…

Music for the week: Brooke Fraser, Ella Henderson, Brandy Clark, D’Angelo, Sam Smith, Ellie Goulding, Ariana Grande, Ed Sheeran

Sam Smith’s birthday is 3 days after mine. That makes him a Taurus! Say what you will about that zodiac sign but I have never met a Taurus who wasn’t extremely passionate. When we love something, we really love it. Extreme passion is a good thing…most of the time. Oh, and I’m so glad he won 4 Grammys and performed with Mary J. Blige (again).

TV for the week: The Twilight Zone, basketball

Movie of the week: none…yet. I’m thinking about scheduling a movie in. 🙂

Books of the week: Get Rich, Lucky Bitch!: Release Your Money Blocks and Live a First Class Life by Denise Thomas – on page 154 I’m doing all the exercises every night so this will be sort of a slow read.

Knitting Projects of the week: There was no knitting this week. I had planned to knit on Tuesday night but my mom called. The only good thing about jury duty is that while we wait, I’ll be allowed to knit. So I’m taking my cowl and a paperback book. (No electronics allowed!)



Music for the week:  Miguel, Kris Allen, Beth Hart, Julie Roberts, Kellie Pickler, Brandy Clark, Britney Spears, Chante Moore, Toby Lightman, Leona Lewis

TV for the week: Big Love, Colbert Report, news, basketball

Movie of the week: I tried to get through Les Misérables last night….couldn’t.

Books of the week: Mostly my textbooks. But also: My Age of Anxiety: Fear, Hope, Dread, and the Search for Peace of Mind by Scott Stossel Awesome book. It isn’t only about his anxiety but the history of anxiety.

Goals for next week: Obviously keep up with my school work. Go to a gym class one time this week. Study for my boards. (I’m probably taking the test in June and September).

I’m on call for jury duty. That sucks. Why do I get called every 3 years while others never get a summons? What really bugs me is when people LIE to get out of jury duty. Last time, my coworkers acted like I was soooo stupid for not getting out of jury duty. Um, no I just didn’t want to LIE. It isn’t about me being patriotic or wanting to do my civic duty. LOL. I’m off on Monday and I’m so glad I don’t have to go to court. But I am on call for two weeks so I’m not expecting to get lucky daily. It would be nice though. (PLEASE!!!)

Today is going to be a nice day. I might enjoy nature later on. I could really use some sun.

Queen of (K)nots

There was jury drama today and it wasn’t my fault. Something happened that almost NEVER happens and we the jury weren’t happy about it. I’m done for three years! WHY? Because I served on a jury!!! Of course the lawyers didn’t get a good vibe from me, so I was excused. Hell yeah! I love our justice system….

Nothing makes me feel more like a freak than being with a bunch of normal people. I’m only used to being around the people at work. Then enter new social situation. hahahahah.

I know they dismissed me because I was looking down and not making eye contact. I did make eye contact with the judge once. But basically I acted like a person who is extremely shy or a person with Asperger’s. Of course I was dismissed. Seriously, I forgot to take my beta blocker this morning. So my anxiety was off the hook. The medicine doesn’t make me appear (socially) normal but it doesn’t make me appear like an unsocial animal.

I think the judge/lawyers thought my behavior was due to being cold. The judge made a comment about being cold and then the bailiff immediately comes from the other side of the court and stands directly behind me. 😦 I was cold. But that wasn’t the only reason I was shaking and looking down. Ever heard the FACTS of social anxiety? Probably not so they wouldn’t know.

Aside: How come people NEVER think of a person simply being shy? They will think of anything else but NEVER that unless the person says they are shy. (I’m not saying shyness = social anxiety. It isn’t the same).

Another situation where I get the “She is ——–” vibe is when in stores. Dude, I’m not stealing anything. I’m waaaaaaaay too timid for that. 🙂 They mistake my nervousness for guilt. I’m only mentioning it because it happened today. 2 more points for not feeling strange. Anyhow, when people are in the aisle I’m in, looking at the same stuff, I get nervous. I usually go into another aisle or another part of the aisle. I do this in the library too. Today it was a worker (probably a manager) we kept bumping into each other. I got exasperated. Thinking while people are around is not easy for me so I go elsewhere.

When I got in line, the cashier -while waiting on others- would not stop staring at me. It was so obvious. She had no shame about it either.

What a strange, long day.
I’m feeling a little depressed. Without the abilify, I’m sure it would be worse. Little things are happening that I have to deal with. The smallest things are overwhelming me. This sucks. I need to have enough motivation to try yoga ASAP…and mow the lawn…and find someone to do a house repair. Overwhelmed. At least jury duty is over.

I’m sure eating crap isn’t helping. My refrigerator (the bottom part) still isn’t working. So I’ve been eating can food which is full of sodium. I’m going to buy some turkey burgers to get a break from the canned crap. I don’t need food making me feel worse than I already do.
Hopefully I will have a good news post one day…soon.

I won’t let you close enough to hurt me

SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have to go to court again on Monday. FUCK. Is the third time bad luck? Meaning: Will I have to “serve”? Last week I got to go into a courtroom for the first (and hopefully last) time. The judge thanked us for waiting for three effing hours. It’s going to be okay…as long as I don’t have to serve. I will have multiple books to read.
It’s Friday night and I just watched this pretty good movie (Please Give) with my real favorite actress Catherine Keener. How could I forget her? She is just so awesome. I have never seen her in a bad movie.

I also painted 30% of my birdhouse. I may finish the rest of it this weekend. I’m supposed to clean this weekend. I mean throw stuff away. Really get organized but I’ve said that before. Eventually I won’t have a choice. Oh yeah, I think I found my dream apartment! The reviews say noise is not a problem….I just hope I get lucky. I have other apartments on my list but they are at least $100 more a month than I feel comfortable paying. It is very small so I would have to get rid of the free sofas from my extended family.

floor plan

The biggest gripe about these apartments are the old appliances. I would like a nice fridge but I can deal with a old dishwasher, washer & dryer, etc. This apartment also has built in bookshelves which is something I’ve always wanted.
I brought my first yoga mat! I’ve been holding back on yoga. I wondered did I want to do it because everyone else is doing it? But I really won’t know until I actually do it. I have tried with a DVD (and youtube) but that didn’t work. I have scoliosis so my posture is horrible. Every pose hurts. Am I doing it wrong? That is why I feel like I need a class.

I brought the mat and I have my yoga clothes. I am hoping – planning on taking a FREE class outside this weekend. I may freak out and not go. Unlike jury duty, I’m not being forced to show up. I’m hoping my first yoga experience (whenever that may be) is a positive one.

talk to strangers?

Today was not the greatest. I was so cranky. I couldn’t wait to get home. I got up at 5AM went to work, then left for court (jury), and then went back to work. And all I had was two protein bars and a banana to eat. I didn’t eat that all at once. I left my lunch at home so that was all I had. No sleep + no real food = cranky me.

Then I get home thinking I’m going to take a nap. LOL. Guess what? Some jackass won’t stop shooting their gun. It might be a BB gun. I dunno. THIS IS WHY I WANT TO MOVE. Last night they were up to similar shenanigans hence no sleep. If you live in an area where you don’t here BB guns or real guns, please leave your neighborhood in the comments. I hear both A LOT. (I’m joking about the comment thing, I can’t leave the area right now but thanks!)

I’m seriously considering moving into an apartment in a year or two.

As always I’m studying people’s behavior (psych major) and jury duty was interesting. Do people talk to people they don’t know out of boredom or because they are social creatures? Or both? There were two groups there. I was in group two. Group one was a very talkative bunch. I was awed at how they didn’t know each other but talked so much anyway. Maybe this is a cynical take but the most extroverted people at work would talk to a door!

I always want to say, “X will talk to ANYONE”. Of course I wouldn’t do that…but does that devalue X’s communication? I’m not trying to be snarky or funny. This is from my perspective as a low social needs person. I could go two+ weeks without seeing another human and be completely fine. I wouldn’t even notice it.
This was supposed to be the “summer of creativity”. I have been doing projects and trying new things but I’m still coming to the conclusion that some of us are art appreciators. I spent one of my lunch breaks admiring local art in a gallery. It was one of the best lunch breaks I ever had. Sure I saw jewelry, paintings & handbags I wish I could make. How about instead of wishing I had their talent, I just appreciated it instead?
Without my fridge, I need to come up with food options. I’ve been staying away from canned food due to the high sodium but without a fridge, what option do I have?

they can say what they wanna

UGH! I have to go to jury duty again on Monday. FUCK. I’m not missing a whole day of work this time (unless I actually have to serve on a case). Last Monday, the only reason I didn’t go to work was because I had a doctor’s appointment at 4 and I didn’t see the point in going in for a few hours then leaving.

My uncle suddenly died and I’m bitching about jury duty. 😦 True. I just want to get paid for OT. I’m still doing OT but getting paid regular pay. I’m only doing OT cause I have already spent the money so I kinda have to do it.

And the people at work are like, “why is she going? Who wouldn’t argue against it? etc. etc.” Well since people like me won’t try hard enough (like I don’t know LIE) to get out of it, that is why I must keep being called back. I thought once a person served they get out of jury duty for 5 years. Nope, where I live it is only 3 years which to me is a huge difference. I just want to get it over with.

But me not getting out of it, plays into their story of my stupidity, ineptness, fill-in-the-blank.

It’s their story. Let them live it. It is a little frustrating though.
Sigh. I’m going to get right to the point: I wish Anthony Weiner had NOT resigned. The Democrats are wimps. WIMPS. (The leaders not the voters). I will never call myself a democrat because even I’m not that lame.

Here is Weiner on the 9/11 health care bill. What a bunch of assholes (leaders, not voters) for not voting for that. Geez, it took Weiner and Jon Stewart (?) to get that thing passed.

Nothing illegal has come out so far. Damn Nancy Pelosi. Well he didn’t have to cave. Well no one was on his side…from reports even the Clintons abandoned him. Why am I wasting time on those democrats? We needed Weiner. I know he isn’t going to disappear but what will he do next? I hope he doesn’t do a guest spot on a TV network. He either needs his on TV show. He has to blog. I don’t know about tweeting. (sorry). He was a progressive leader. One of a handful. Now who is left….ugh.

He didn’t vote with the democrats all the time. He was a raising star. I don’t care about his personal life. If he was just some regular lame representative, I wouldn’t bother blogging about him. He stood up for things I and many others believe in.

And yes, he brought this on himself but he didn’t have to quit. I know the pressure was huge. But even his wife didn’t want him to quit (from reports). At least he had his family’s support. He can still run in the special election for his spot back. He can still run for NY mayor. I’m just worried he will disappear. I know he won’t but I’m extremely inpatient. BLOG Weiner. Say something. What are you doing? What are you thinking? How annoying am I?



I should be getting dressed but um, I have jury duty. I also had an appointment at 4PM. I thought I would be able to make it. Now I don’t know what to do. Of course I have to call….bummer. But what is really scaring me is that from what I’m reading, I’m expected to DO STUFF (aka talk). I thought nothing would happen on the first day. Fuck. I don’t wanna go. I’m scared.

I really have to get ready. I hope I get to read a lot.