The void

Woohoo! 🙂 I’m posting because I finally found CHEWABLE iron vitamins. lol. Over the years, I have gone to every drug store chain, department store and GNC to find chewable iron anything. Thanks Amazon.com! Yep, of course they had them.  (I swear I did not see them 2 years ago). I ordered them on Saturday morning and got them today. Now that is what I call living. The sad thing is that I’m not being sarcastic. Here is a link to these lovely vitamins in case anyone else needs them: Nature’s Plus – Chewable Iron W/ Vit C, 90 chewable tablets

Of course my doctor told me to take something for iron because my iron levels are low. She also said that I needed B vitamins. I can buy those chewable from any store but I went ahead and got them from Amazon (way cheaper from them). I tried B vitamins before (pre-Abilify) because I thought they might help with my depression/lack of stamina. But I don’t think my stomach liked them so I quit taking them. I’m going to try again.

I think she also mentioned something about low red blood cells. (??????) I was “okaying” her like crazy because she called during a very tense and important part of training. One thing I did catch was……..

My ultrasound didn’t show anything abnormal. 😦 That means no gallbladder problems. So the next thing would be to see if I have an ulcer which I thought was the problem for years. But I’m going to wait until I get sick again before seeing a GI. I really wanted to go to a GI and just skip the ultrasound but my doctor recommended it the other way around. Who knows how much that will cost? I’m waiting until I get sick because I’m super smart (sarcasm).

Between the Abilify (which is like, the only magic drug) and taking these vitamins, I hope my depression disappears. But then I think of my life situation and I wonder: Would “Sally” be depressed if she were me too? Is there no hope for me? FUCK.

I apologize for the outburst.

Work was so intense today. blah. I’m going to miss training when it is over. We get extra breaks and longer lunches. I can get a lot of stuff done during those breaks.

Training is the perfect example of diverse personalities. We have one sort of extreme extrovert. 3-4 people are probably 50% introverted, 50% extroverted. Then there is the rest of us. 5 of us are introverts. How cool and not normal is that?! Sometimes I feel bad for the teacher because I know she would rather have more extroverts by her comments about previous classes. HOWEVER, how could we get anything done if there were 2-3 extroverts in the class? We are moving faster than the previous classes…not because we are smarter but because most of us are introverts who just want to focus on the task at hand. The task is learning not socializing.

Diversity is a good thing. I’m so glad we have at least 1 extreme extrovert. I would feel really bad for the teacher otherwise even though I shouldn’t. I think teachers like extroverted students because it makes their job a lot easier.

————-

As of right now I’m still not going to school in the fall. YES I probably should be going. But I’m taking a break. Between this summer class and trying to move, I’m stressed out. Overwhelmed. Dreaming about dying. You know all that good stuff.  I want to read for fun. I want to play my guitar again. I want to take a jewelry making class. And more importantly…

I want to do more with my social anxiety blog. I want to tell my story of how I, a person with ‘off the scale’ social anxiety, managed to enter the workforce. I haven’t really told my story to others with SA because I feel like know a lot of luck was involved as far as me having my current job. I can’t tell people to GET LUCKY! haha. It’s like having a privileged background and saying “I did it so can you!”. Just um, get privileged.  I’m just going to be honest. Maybe I will make it into a (free) e-book just for the blog. This will take a lot of work from me because as you can tell: I am not a writer. At all. But the possibility excites me.

So yeah I want to skip my final semester (really bad) but I also hope to get a lot of non school things done. If I don’t get some of the things done, I will feel like a failure. Oh wait…

Hold It Against Me

Pop culture time! This entry may not make sense to someone who hasn’t seen the latest episode of Bethenny Ever After (the birthday party episode). I’m not good at explaining the details. I saw the last 40 minutes of the episode and wow, what a real life situation. I love a reality show that is worth commenting on.

I’ll start off by saying that Jason (the husband) is extremely outgoing. Bethenny is an introvert. I see so much of myself in her. The biggest difference is that she is herself without apology…most of the time. Just watching this show for the past two years, made me realize what a nightmare it would be to in a relationship with an extremely outgoing person. Beth and Jason are the perfect TV example. Perfect. I love it!

I’m not saying Jason is bad. He is just an extrovert. Introverts always get the bad rap. We are boring, geeks, sullen, etc. This episode was a great example of how extroverts (the majority) sees us. And they get it wrong!! Tell them that, right? Now that that is out of the way…

The episode: Bethenny decided to have a 40th birthday party. But she hates her birthday. She always gets sad around her birthday. She hates surprises and hates being the center of attention (not in all situations, obviously). Her husband knows this. He doesn’t seem to fully grasp it. More on that later.

Jason surprised her more than once in front of 40+ family and friends. The incident was giving her a gift he knew she would love and making her the center of attention. She had to perform. Introverts don’t like performing. (generalization) I thought she handled it really well. She kept saying, “thank you!”. She had a genuine look on her face and seemed truly grateful.

What shocked me was how “the others” (including her husband!) perceived her reaction. They thought she wasn’t grateful enough. Have these people ever heard of shyness? Or even just being uncomfortable in a public event? Everyone doesn’t show emotion the same way. It drives me nuts! People say that they know people are different but listen to them talk about how the person reacted differently. Uh, people are different!

I watched it and I had to blog about it because it shows how the majority of people see things. It’s like some people can’t see outside of themselves. It’s weird. I thought Beth handled the situation so gracefully. I saw NO issue and I was shocked at other people’s reaction.

Bethenny response to the dreadful birthday party:

I can’t say I’m not happy that the birthday episode is over.

Jason and I cringed when we watched it. I, of course, had a total breakdown, and, yes, I own all of it. It is no secret that I don’t like my birthday, nor do I like attention in that way. That, combined with an overloaded work schedule and sleep deprivation, didn’t help any.

I’m a complicated gal, and I own, but don’t love, every bit of it. Jason has his way of celebrating birthdays and I respect that. When his 40th comes this year, we will go all out. I don’t think he fully understood that I REALLY didn’t want bells and whistles. I could never blame him for that. I rarely blame others for things. I beat myself up pretty good for everything.

I don’t think she should beat herself up at all for not wanting a big birthday! Argh.

On the other hand if someone put me in that position, I would kill them. There wouldn’t be a birthday party next year for sure. I’ve never had a birthday party. I’ve never even had a cake. I would not enjoy it at all. I would be so awkward. I would probably stay for 5 minutes and leave. And then never talk to the nitwit who put me on the spot.

I don’t understand how someone can be married to someone and not know to not surprise them. He knows she has issues about her birthday. I don’t know Jason at all but he doesn’t seem empathetic AT ALL. I just kept wondering, “How could he not know?” I’m sure they will be fine but I could not be married to someone who couldn’t understand something SO SIMPLE.

1. No surprises.
2. Don’t ever put me on the spot in public.
3. I hate my birthday.

Is that really that hard to understand? Oh and no, I don’t really hate my birthday. Last year I went to NYC on my birthday. This year nothing much will happen. Nothing compared to New York. I’m thinking about either going to a bed and breakfast near my house OR going to a cabin at a national park. (IF the national parks are open…) My mom is going to take me out for breakfast at a chain restaurant. <–totally my style. I'm not picky about breakfast food.

So my birthday will be "eh". At least I managed to get the day off. 🙂

it’s a trap

When I first wrote this entry during my late lunch break, it felt cathartic. Now all I feel is, “I have to do this all over again tomorrow and the next day…” (I had to edit this entry a lot because I wrote it like a paper journal entry):

Why is it always so hard? I know the answer. Because people are different. Most of the people I’m dealing with on the phone don’t go on and on with questions. There are two groups of people. I would DIE if I had to deal with group A. So they put me in group B. About 30% of my coworkers only deal with group B. The others deal with A & B. I would have a nervous breakdown if I had to deal with both. I think my coworkers think that has already happen but I digress….The first call went okay – not smooth but okay. I didn’t give all the info because I’m not a seasoned rep. But I helped her enough. She had to prompt me to much because I didn’t know what to say.

The second call. OMG! I confirmed things I wasn’t 100% sure about. Nothing major. We learned that they don’t really need this info. But they ask for some reason (probably because someone over them, makes them?) I want to get it right. I was just sick of sounding unconfident and saying, “uhhhhh” and “uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh….let me check.” I said that too her at least 5 times. Embarrassing. UGH.

The third call was a total disaster. She asked me more questions than any new person would be able to handle. Damn, I probably should have told her I was new in the beginning but the beginning went okay so it didn’t occur to me. It would have eliminated a lot of stress. But she went on and on. My mind went into overload. I wasted an hour on looking for those answers. Anyhow, maybe asking for 3 normal calls is too much??? But I can’t even handle the “normal calls” (yet). URGH!!!! I’m so frustrated. I was not train properly and neither were my other coworkers.

I was thinking of killing myself at work – not in the office but in another room. I thought about talking to my boss. AGAIN. Rofl. What a waste of time that is. Quitting is the same as killing myself so…

Doom and gloom. I will have a better tomorrow? I can’t make a statement. 🙂 This is me taking 3 – 4 calls. Can you imagine during it all day? Well I would spend a lot of it crying in a private space so it really wouldn’t be all day. And that’s not fair, right? You normal people! URGH. I won’t go there. They act like they worked for their social skills but it was handed to them on a silver platter. Okay, I went there. I know some of my coworkers did work on their social skills. 1% of them. Bleh.

And it’s not just the work. It’s the environment. The supervisor called me a character from the Jetsons (loved that show!) – in a derogatory manner, of course. Fuck you. I love people. There was so much just social people doing shit that they don’t realize they do. Like talk and laugh at people. Hello? I’m not going there. Really.

Me in a call center environment is like me being in a mall for 12 hours. The mall is crowded. And there are lots of hyper kids around. The teens look at my outfit and laugh. The adults just annoy me. I can feel the stress through osmosis. That is the worst thing about being an introvert.

I don’t go to malls.

And then I start thinking about how different we really are. They wouldn’t be talking about me this way if they understood. If they could FEEL the stress. If 10% of them understood…if they had an ounce of empathy. The only time I feel that I am one with the human race is when I’m not around them for a while.

This sucks. Phones suck.

I also wrote about Leslie Frazier but this entry is long enough so I’ll type that up when I have nothing to say. When I have a good day. Maybe Sunday? 😉 No it isn’t about sports.

I Told You So

If I were living with a SO, he/she would think I’m pissed off. I was pleasant and as friendly as I’ll ever be for the past week. But today the extreme introvert has taken over. I’m so tired. I want to sleep but I can’t for many reasons but the main one is HOUSE GUEST. I just want to come home to an empty house and do what I normally would do. I’ve crashed. I need my shell. As flawed as my shell is…I’m not talking.

Yeah, that is why I will never have a SO. Too much drama. I have enough going on without another human being in my face. That’s the spirit. Unless the person is a loner or extremely empathetic then he/she will think you are mad at them. I hate when people take your personality personally. Even I don’t do that. C’mon! I could give examples of how I thought someone was rude/mean to me and then I learned that is who they are SO I DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. Apparently these rules, do not exist for loners. IT ISN’T ABOUT YOU.

Work was fine today. Rare statement. I tried not to get down even though I knew my hard work wouldn’t show because I’m working on a slow project. They have me doing it alone. That I do not understand. They could easily have one person doing the same thing I’m doing. Then I wouldn’t have to work on it every single day. I think they are doing it on purpose but it isn’t a sabotage even though sometimes I wonder. I also wonder if I’m being giving busy work (even though it has to be done) just to placate me. Last week I wondered why I was even there. I’m going to finish this shit so they have to give me something else.

Work was fine…only today. 🙂

I’m sick. So many different issues. I need to pick a doctor but my internet connection is crappy after all the rain we got so I’m going to call customer service and see if they will let me pick that way. I don’t like my choices but how am I supposed to know anyways??? (that’s what friends are for)….Maybe I should consider a male so I can have more options.

Going to bed early tonight…after doing homework.

meet my dad?

Rule#1 You don’t ask an introvert to stay at their house for a month! Even if you are going to be “mostly out of town”! AHHHHHHHHH

Just when I thought, it couldn’t be any worse. FUCK. Parents. LOL. OMG. This is a joke…until it happens. “Sure you can stay but now I gotta find a place to stay.” My god. What am I supposed to do. My house is not livable for me and my cat much less another human being. I DON’T CLEAN. And I won’t start for you. (ohh! Bitch).

My ultimate nightmare. I don’t cook or clean. This could not be more awkward. My dad has never asked me outright if he can stay with me before…until yesterday through email. The last time I was living in an apartment. The bedroom was free so it wouldn’t have been that big of deal. I tend to nest in one room. I went from living in my parents house to a dorm room to a studio apartment. I haven’t gotten the more than one room thing down yet.

Btw, my dad lives out of the country (can I live with you, for real??? – ;p) right now.

So not the freakin point. Awkward position. Fuck. I’d give him money for food (restuarant) but no person can LIVE with me. I’m a bachelor. My house is a bachelor pad. (Yes I am a girl but trust me, I live like a guy). And then my cat. If she escapes, someone is going to die.

fuck. I don’t want to say NO even though that is what I want to say. It is what makes me comfortable. And trust me, he would be more comfortable living elsewhere. It will be so awkward. I’m going to have to probably work the weirdest hours possible. If they offer overtime (lol), I will be living at work.

I need time to think about this. I don’t like when people spring things on me and I let people know this. Don’t ask me anything the day of. THE ANSWER WILL BE NO. But this is June…maybe he will change his mind. (pleasepleaseplease). I don’t want to say no but if we become more estranged, I’m not going to blame myself.

We are estranged. We don’t talk. I only talk to one person in the world.

whhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhy? My house is not equipped for this. FUCK. I would be much more angry if I didn’t have time to see if I could find him somewhere to sleep. I sleep in the living room so NO that is not where you can sleep, dad. 🙂 This would’ve been much better in the apartment. My house is soooo small and I have no storage. I use my bedroom as a storage/clothes space. He can’t sleep in the cat room and he wouldn’t want to. So what do I do?

This is a disaster…waiting to happen. As long as he doesn’t expect *anything* it will be a little less of a diaster.

Even if I got married, I wouldn’t live with the person. Jeez.

signed,

loner anxious introvert

PS.

I got a ticket to see John Mayer. 8th row. woofreakinhoo! who cares now? not me. blah. I’ll try to post some better stuff in the future. I was supposed to start my Buddhism series in this blog but I got distracted by my lack of a TV (huh?). I will start on Monday or Tuesday of this week.

Yes the normal enlightened person or on the path to enlightenment would say “yes” (and have some doubts/fears) but not a socially anxious one. LOL. Every self help book needs to add a chapter for people afraid of people.  I ‘m trying to get on the path of enlightenment but I’m sitting at the starting line by myself with a little knowledge and zero tools. That is the best way to sum that up.

I can’t say no……….I won’t.

I need a case load of valium STAT

I’m not going to apologize for offending anyone cause no one gives a shit about what I have to say. Not digging for comments. Just stating the truth (and trying to say offensive stuff without feeling bad). Everyone else does it. ha.

I wish I could just kill myself. X wouldn’t get it. X has options. X has problems but can hide them well enough to work in an office. I hate X…hate is a strong word. Resent is probably better. I hear X everyday talk about how “her (my) life isn’t that bad”. How would you know X? Have you ever walked in my shoes? If you are anything like me, well you can’t because #1.  you can act very well while at work. #2. I hear about your after work activities. So I know we are living VERY different lives.

X = 85% of America

One day America will be filled with type A, out for blood, extroverts.  (Where will art go?) To introverts it may feel that way now but nah, we are still around. I’m not multiplying AKA breeding. That is a good thing. I do not want to leave a child with my genes in this world. It is only going to get worse. The weak in America don’t breed…the weakest of the weak. I’m proof of Darwin’s theory. Survival of the fittest.

Yep, I’m  over generalizing (big time) because I’m ticked off & spitting it out fast. I’m an introvert with no artistic gifts…or gifts of any kind.

No I really don’t hate X and that’s what makes me resent X. How can I ever be at peace if I resent X? I will never be able to call myself a Buddhist.

WAIT – Back to work: DX I do not feel entitled to work at home. And OX I have lost a lot of respect for you believing something just because DX said it. I heard DX say that to a group of people (vomit) including OX. I hope you would not just believe everything she says like everyone else. I gave you too much credit.

About working @ home: HELLO?! I didn’t invent this concept. More than half of “our” department works at home. What a privilege. They love it and take full advantage of the benefits and get really pissed when they have  to come in. 😉 Yes I would like that but I’m new and I know they aren’t sending people home so my chances were (and are now officially nil) very slim of ever being that lucky. Yes the thought made me drool…

But entitled? Honey, no. (condensing, yes). I know I would work better in a quiet environment. I’m Woody Allen neurotic. (I need another example). Offices and me don’t get along. That is why I had the breakdown. If I can’t work in an office environment, I will be jobless. (remember, McDonald’s and Target aren’t viable options). I did ask if I could work for one day in a conference room. Bad move on my part. That was another day when I was fed up. She understandably said no & gave reasons etc.

But all I could think of is how quiet it would be. How serene…better than working at home probably. I walk by those empty rooms, some with computers and yearn. But that “can’t” happen. It really could but it isn’t going to so case closed. I’ve worked in quiet at my current job and I totally get lost in my work. I like it. But that won’t happen again. I do work better when alone. It has been proven on the rare chances I’ve had that privilege.  All the office distractions are no good for me. I’m surprised (and thankful), I can get any work done.

I was 90% sure I was getting fired terminated today. All the whispering and then get this: When I walked up to the elevators, there was a group of people there. That in itself is unusual. Usually I’m the only person there. Anyhow it took the elevator too long to come so I started heading toward the stairs. And what did someone YELL? “Last Day!” rofl. Of course she could have been talking about it being Friday but I allowed that to put a deep fear in me. A heavy sense of dread fell on me and it lasted all day.

So I’m still there. Do I think my days are numbered? Yes.

One more thing: DX did the same thing I did. She admitted this in a meeting….with the manager and all of our department. Did she get a verbal warning?? No. No one (besides my manager maybe because of me) even blinked an eye. No one realized that this is wrong because it one of those dumb rules. Do you know how much I wanted to ask my manager, “So that’s okay to do??” I wouldn’t have said, “is she getting a warning?” because I didn’t like when I got one. DX, You may not have a sense of entitlement but you are entitled my dear. I know life isn’t fair. I don’t need to be told that…..

Without this job I would rarely update this thing. Then I would be blogging about organizing, flea markets etc. I’m so depressed. All I plan to do this weekend is take some books back to the library but there is a huge event going on. Even though I live only a short ride away, I may not be able to make it. I hope I can renew my books…

in need of a miracle?

nah, I’m exhausted. lol. So I’m supposed to be going to church but I was out all day today. And I never do stuff…on purpose. haha

Anyway, the service is about miracles. Not biblical miracles. It is hard to explain. It is midnight and I haven’t had a nap yet.

I told people I didn’t want to spend my day during “stuff” because I knew I would be out of it. Thanks for listening.

Uh, gotta go. Will I spend 4 hours at a church and have no down time? That sounds like a set up disaster for work. I need down time for a full week of work. What should I do? Risk it? Can I afford to risk anything when it comes to work? No. But just because I’m out of it, doesn’t mean I’m going to be extra irritable at work, right?

I’m not making sense. At times like this, I hate being an introvert. I can’t keep going and going. I must have a down day or I will break……………………..

so out of it & i don’t have soap

thy peace

Make me an instrument of thy peace.

– St. Francis

That’s the quote I kept in mind all day. I wrote it down. I would like to say it worked but then again it was Monday. Having 2 days of not being around people is always helpful. By Friday everything aches (due to my bad posture, their horrid chairs, & it being so cold inside), the thought of people is just ugh! and my brain is tired.

As an introvert, I need the quiet time. I’ve been tempted to ask to work alone in a room with a computer or using MY laptop to work from wherever it is quiet. However, now is not the time to look weird. They already think I’m crazy if I make such a peculiar request that could be my ticket out the door and uh, I’m not ready to leave yet. Yes 30% (or so) of Americans are introverted so they would get it on some level but I am an extreme introvert. Just the presence of people exhausts me. It has nothing to do with talking.

So I’m ‘stuck’ there for now. I’m 90% sure it is better to keep quiet. So until I can work from home or whatever, I need to come up with whatever I can to be in the moment and not be so nervous. Unfortunately I think this is affecting my work…not a lot but enough. I want to do the best I can do. I’m not satisfied. And it bothers me that my boss thinks I am but I can’t control her thoughts. She’s seen me go beyond what is needed. I think this is why this bothers me…but then again she doesn’t know me.