They don’t care about me

Hmmm, the lady that does my taxes told me to claim 0 or whatever on my taxes for 2019. Otherwise, I might not get a refund next year. I just hope I won’t owe anything. I do get a relatively small refund this year from the government and nothing from the state.

I just read about claiming 0, and they would take MORE money from my paycheck each month. I can’t pay my bills now, so that’s not going to work. Of course, the tax lady doesn’t know I just borrowed from my 401k, and I’m planning on borrowing again (for the last time – I swear!). I should have borrowed enough so I could have money in my savings/checkings. I just borrowed enough and used it all to cover bills. So right now I have nothing left of what I borrowed.

So next year, I probably won’t get anything. Bummer. If my business were to slightly take off (meaning make more than $500 in revenue), I know I will owe the government money. I already have a plan for that. Save at least 30% of any revenue for taxes. It should probably be 35%, but whatever. I’ll worry about that once I make enough money.

I should be working on my Robert Downey Jr. astrology final exam paper. I have exactly 222 words. I’m going to do the minimum and only write about 550 words. I hope I’m able to finish by Sunday afternoon.

Ugh. The Wallflowers are coming here in August. I went to maybe buy a ticket. They only have general admission. I never do GA. Never. Why are people willing to waste hours to get good seats? I don’t get it. It would be easier and more time efficient to just get a seat. I’m not wasting my time, getting to a venue extra early and then there is no promise of a good seat. How nuts is that? All those wasted hours. No, thank you.

Oh god. I get why people hate social media now. I’m specifically talking about Instagram and Facebook. Instagram is the worst.

#1. Don’t DM me with BS. Some people come straight out and ask for what they want. This is extremely rare. That just happened to me 15 minutes ago and I LOVED that. I responded back that I can’t enroll in his program because of finances. Boom. Done. Thank you. Don’t DM me, pretending to give a fuck when you just want a sale. I’m a hardcore Taurus. We don’t like that fake shit.

#2. Don’t friend me on Facebook, then ask me to like your page a week later and when I ask YOU to like my page, you don’t. Motherfucker! I believe in karma and I’ll leave it at that. This is a new thing that just started happening. I don’t know if it is a stragety amongst the new kids or what. FAKE BULLSHIT. The requesting to be a friend when I don’t know you, doesn’t bother me as much as the asking me to like your page…especially when you have 350 more likes than I do. LOL. I’m not that serious about FB so I approve all friend requests. I don’t care. Just don’t be fake.

Those are the two main things bugging me with social media. #2 doesn’t happen that often (for now) so I’m like whatever. It’s just an annoyance. But if I get another DM from a stranger. ARGH! And I’m temporarily working with someone who suggests I DM people. LOL. Nope. I am not doing it. I don’t like when people do it to me so why would I do it to others???! I’m going to tell her that on Wednesday. If someone can explain to me how to be AUTHENTIC when messaging people on Insta, fine. I have yet to find a decent, real way to DM strangers. Just post on their posts. NO DMs!!

I also don’t like when strangers knock on my door, so that is why I’m not going to campaign for Marianne Williamson or anyone. How hypocritical would that be?? I don’t like it when strangers call me so why would I call strangers? I am not doing it. I did tweet about Marianne and did an Instagram story begging for people to help her. 🙂 I’ll do that because that’s not invasive. Btw, I block numbers all. the. time. If a stranger calls more than once I block. Do I block on social media? Nope. I’m not that mean. hah.

I’m really overwhelmed with things at the moment. Work. School. Fiances. Home. Online classes. Etc. Oh speaking of overwhelming, I’ve scheduled an online appointment with a psychiatrist to see what is going on with Abilify. I will probably cancel that appointment IF I decide to go to therapy twice a month…unless the therapist suggests I see a doctor.

There are so many issues with therapy. I was in therapy for years. I found it slightly helpful for a while until she changed her technique. Then I stopped going to her. Then I started seeing someone else online. She wasn’t very understanding. Or she thought I didn’t like her. I don’t know. We didn’t vibe which is probably a natural experience for many. I didn’t like her technique either.

I just want to see someone about my OCD thoughts and behaviors*. I found one therapist online. She specifically states she works with my main issue. My insurance covers it. My copay would be $25. However, she hasn’t opened her calendar for April. WTF is up with that? Next week I have 2 meetings after work. I am already overwhelemed. I haven’t finished my astrology paper. etc. etc. So there’s no way I’m going to schedule a therapy appointment just because she hasn’t opened dates for April.

*not sure whether I have OCD. If the behavior is caused by a medication, is it still OCD? Do I have depression, anxiety and PTSD? YES!

Anyway, I feel like a failure because I didn’t get my astrology paper done today. I didn’t go to the library because I had to go to the bank and pick up my taxes. Sigh. Tomorrow I have to take my dad to the store. So I will lose at least 3 hours of time. :/

This week I…

Music of the week: Marren Morris, Rachel Platten, India.Arie, Ariana Grande, Delta Goodrem, Ellie Goulding, Carly Rae Jepsen, Hillsong Worship

TV of the week: The Bachelor, March Madness (GO UVA!), Vanderpump Rules

Podcasts of the week: True Crime Garage, So You Wanna Be a Witch, Why is This Happening, Pod Save America, Hardball with Chris Matthews, All In with Chris Hayes, The Mind Your Business Podcast, The Jim Fortin Podcast

As a person with a strong interest in neuropsychology, I really like the Jim Fortin Podcast, but he lost me when he said $2000 wasn’t a lot of money. It’s a really out of touch and privileged thing to say. When I had 2K in my bank account, I didn’t think it was a ton, but I knew it was a lot to many people. I would kill for 2K or 1K right now. Kill. Maybe I shouldn’t be admitting this. It’s a joke, people. 😉

Books of the week: Now reading – 

Weekend Plans: Well the weekend is halfway over and I haven’t finished my paper. Maybe I should book a study room at the library on Monday afternoon? I knew I should have taken the days off for March Madness like I do every year. Sigh. I didn’t do it and now I’m behind. It’s only 9:30PM on Saturday night. I’m kind of tired, but if I could get 50 coherent words written, I would consider that win.

I’m going to attempt to work on my paper, but I already want to update my tarot website. LOL. I had clarity. One of my offer descriptions really, really sucks. I guess I could update it tomorrow.

Thanks for reading through my frustration. Have a great rest of the weekend! 🙂

It doesn’t have to make sense

I’m freaking out. Should I be freaking out? Is someone playing a trick on me? How did my sister find my Instagram account? Does she know this blog exists? Should I delete or move my blog?

I haven’t posted anything on Instagram in at least 8 months. I hate Instagram. Hate it. I don’t log onto Instagram. I got a notice on my phone that she followed me. Her account is locked. So I sent a request back to follow her. I’m not getting back on Insta. If she accepts my request, I’ll just check her page, but I’m not checking the other people I ‘follow.’

My sister doesn’t have my cell phone number (unless someone gave it to her without my permission – no big deal if they did). NO ONE knows the email address I used to register with Insta. Not my mom or dad or anyone in my family. Hmmm. So I have no idea how she would find my Instagram. No, I don’t use my real name on any of my social media accounts.

So strange.  I have mentioned my Insta username on this blog ONCE. If she is reading this blog, I should stop going on about it, right? ROFL. I’ve never said anything bad about her. I don’t think. hahaha. I have done over 1,000 entries, so I can’t promise that I’ve NEVER said anything negative about her.

I have said bad things about other family members. This blog is about telling my truth (even when unpopular).

OMG. She just accepted my request on Insta! I’m scared to view her pics. But I’m going to do it. lol. I’m such a weirdo. What is going on? How did she find me? What if she finds my Twitter account? She probably already has, and that means she has found this blog.

Like I’ve said in the past…People reading this blog makes me nervous. I know I shouldn’t have a blog since people reading it freaks me out. I’m just strange.

Hi Sister,

If you are reading this, I have no idea what to say. Keep reading. I’m okay with that. I guess. I would just like to know how you found me. I’m a very curious person.

I don’t know what else to say. I wish we were closer. I don’t know what happened. It’s probably my fault.

I’m very shy and I have social anxiety so I’m not easy to get to know in person. Please remember that. I’m assuming I will see you at Christmas.

I admire you.

Love, (insert my name)

The Charade

I’m not gone yet. I leave tomorrow. I had to post about this article I just read. It is about suicide.

I think we can do something to change one aspect of the story…or maybe not. I know what it is like to feel suicidal. Instagram and blogs have nothing to do with it. I know it is fake but unfortunately younger people don’t quite get it.

Everyone presents an edited version of life on social media. People share moments that reflect an ideal life, an ideal self….

With Instagram, one thing has changed: the amount we consume of one another’s edited lives. Young women growing up on Instagram are spending a significant chunk of each day absorbing others’ filtered images while they walk through their own realities, unfiltered. In a recent survey conducted by the Girl Scouts, nearly 74 percent of girls agreed that other girls tried to make themselves look “cooler than they are” on social networking sites.

I rarely post on instagram but maybe I’m guilty of it too. When I do post, I try to make it seem as if things are all right. I think it’s toxic. Part of the problem is probably the business accounts that can’t show sadness. And then everyone else follows suit. “Everything is great”.

God forbid you complain about something, or say you are swamped, overwhelmed or just plain busy. Blogs are like this too now. You can’t even complain in your own *%$ing blog. LOL. What is going on? It’s the business of the blogs. Everyone thinks they have to be happy because the business blogs are. The business blogs are what most people read these days. Blogs like mine are rare.

Checking Instagram is like opening a magazine to see a fashion advertisement. Except an ad is branded as what it is: a staged image on glossy paper.

Instagram is passed off as real life.

Yes, people filter their photos to make them prettier. People are also often encouraged to put filters on their sadness, to brighten their reality so as not to “drag down” those around them. The myth still exists that happiness is a choice, which perpetuates the notion of depression as weakness.

Life must be Instagrammed — in more ways than one.

It doesn’t have to be that way! Don’t instagram your life. I know many people won’t read my blog because I refuse to put a filter on my life. I think that’s strange. I prefer reality. I crave reality. I can’t stand the fictitious look of it all.

This story is very sad and moving. It isn’t about instagram. She didn’t kill herself over instagram. (but it sure didn’t help her). She was depressed and she felt like she couldn’t express it. Don’t worry about dragging others down. Speak your truth. Don’t always put on a happy face.

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.

– Bernard M. Baruch

I bet my life

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I just ordered a laptop! Self control, where art thou?  It should be here on Wednesday. Exciting. It is a Dell Touchscreen laptop. TOUCHSCREEN. Yay. I decided to go with this over the other laptop I mentioned because the reviews are amazing. I’m expecting a good product. I’ve never had a Dell laptop, I’ve used plenty of Dell desktops. I’ve also never had a touchscreen laptop. That should be interesting.

I ordered a drop and spill warranty for 2 years. I feel safe with that. I only ordered today because I’m supposed to get my tax refund by Thursday. I wasn’t expecting to use my tax refund for that. I had plans to make a major dent in debt and now…sigh. Oh well.

I tried to start my weekend hustle/side hustle today. It didn’t work out. I wanted knitting supplies and jewelry to sell at a flea market. I lost out on both. In a way, I’m relieved because I don’t have to pay for it (especially after the computer purchase!) but now I’m feeling like I will never be able to buy anything from an estate sale. There is one that ends next Friday. I am currently #1 on about 3-4 items. But anything could happen. I dunno. I need stuff to sale. Stuff. Just stuff. Another man’s junk is another man’s treasure.

I think I scared the Jehovah Witnesses off. Every time I think that, it seems like C has a change of heart and comes back after a few weeks. I hate changing my schedule around to accommodate her. I would rush my afternoon work and then rush working on my practicum or not do it at all. It is definitely a relief if she never comes back. Does that sound harsh?

Instagram is not for people with crappy camera phones. I am thinking about giving up on #ListersGottaList BUT it is so nice to do something creative. I tend to do about 3-4 lists on the weekends so I don’t have to worry about it during the week. But my photos suck because I don’t have an iPhone or a Samsung (or whatever the top android phone is). The point of Instagram is pretty pictures….apparently.

Well my lists look much better when I take them with my digital camera so I’m going to post 3 of my lists here. I wish it looked like this on instagram. Oh well.

People I most admire and why:

people I admire
people I admire

As you can see, I didn’t have a lot of room for the “why”.

Things I need to improve:

few things I need to improve
few things I need to improve

I know you’re thinking “she should have added ‘handwriting’ to that list. lol.

Places I want to go:

dream vacations
dream vacations

The only place on that list I am really researching is Puerto Vallarta. I want that to be my next big solo trip. Asheville, North Carolina will happen. It is “only” 6 hours  away but ugh, I don’t want to drive that far. My legs will kill me. I’m thinking about going next year. I found a great 1 bedroom cabin for $150 a night. They have horses! No pets allowed. :/

Now I’m going to work on my practicum. I have a long work day tomorrow. I may try to go to bed early tonight…but I doubt that happens.