DYING DYING DYING

Ugh, I’m very close to giving up. But can I afford it? How dumb is it to max out my credit card(s) with rent for my apartment? I don’t even know if I can afford to do that. FUCK.

I need to know why now A suddenly isn’t interested. What if the leasing company told her something? I sort of need to know that. (I did text her but she hasn’t answered. Not bothering her again). I know they don’t have a ton of 1 bedrooms especially at the price I was/am paying. This is a bargain. What sucks? The location. College students don’t want to live that far out.

I just need to know if the leasing company said “she can’t rent you the apartment because blah blah”. Even though they did tell me about two months ago that this was the only way to get out of my lease.

I’m definitely taking some time off from looking for people to occupy the apartment. It I weren’t on vacation next week, I’d probably take 2-3 weeks off.  I could use a break. But I feel like I have to take advantage of my time off from work.

Since I can’t rent the apartment, I will definitely not be going anywhere even though I have a free night from hotels.com. However, the free night is only worth $77 so I would have to add more money. Sigh. So instead I wanted to clean up this house and put everything in place.And I actually have a ton of work to do. Yes, I’ll be working off the clock on my vacation. Hopefully I can get everything done between Saturday and Monday.

I will be going to the new-to-me park in the neighborhood. I have to find some time to cancel my gym membership and I want to take a class at the free gym starting next week. I’m going to miss the Y for their pool but I can’t afford that privilege.

My biggest regret is renting the apartment in the first place…not because I have to pay for it but it has made my hypervigilance worse. I am worse off now than I was before I moved into the apartment and there seems to be no cure. 😦 My PTSD is bad.

At least I get a semi-break from work.

I said, “No, no, no”

The truth: I relapsed…twice in two weeks.

History: I suffer from hypervigilance due to PTSD.

Here’s part of the story from my paper journal:

Well I relapsed. I went to the beach and to another hotel (for 1 night) this week. I need to go to rehab. The problem is that rehab is my apartment. UGH! That sucks. But isn’t rehab supposed to suck…at least at first? How long will it take me to get used to it? The environment keeps changing so it’s hard to get used to it.

Geesh having no control whatsoever sucks. I just want 8 hours a day to concentrate on my work. There is no doubt that that is too much to ask for.

I have to get over knowing that they are there. It sounds so silly. But just the knowing is what drives me insane. Knowing and not being able to control it.

I just need to learn to stay at home. No point in running – easier said than done.

Living in the moment is fine until the moment sucks.

One day at a time. What I want to do is one week at a time. I feel the need to make sure the week (next week) is okay. Of course there is no way for me to know. Just live through it. Should I give myself a gold sticker each day I stay at home all day? ha. If I stay at home all next week (minus the gym), I’ll buy myself that $6.99 game.