no such thing

Work had me freaking out today. When I get nervous, I talk fast, type fast, start breathing fast. I do everything fast. I FREAK OUT.  I can’t think. I make stupid mistakes. I hate performing. I hate the spotlight. UGH. whew! It took me forever to calm down. I’m glad today is over but it won’t be the last. :/ I’m still shaking at the flashbacks and I didn’t even have to talk. I could have talked but I elected not to, of course.  I can’t believe I have to be on display again and again. BREATHE.

I’m not doing swimming lessons this fall. I think. I’m going full force into one of my passions: jewelry making. There is a class that meets for 3 hours a week for 6 weeks starting in September. I’m taking it. I don’t care if it is wise. blah, blah. I wanted to learn how to swim because: 1.) I love water. 2.) it is good exercise. 3.) it might turn into a passion. I love passions. 🙂  But since I don’t know what it is like to swim, I don’t know if I’m missing anything. On the other hand, I know how much I love making jewelry. Music is still my #1 passion.

It’s too bad I’ve forgotten most of what I’ve learn. I’m confident this jewelry course will reteach me the basics plus teach me more. Plus I really need to get into a class before I start buying all kinds of  random beads.  I now have inspiration for the kind of jewelry I want to make. I think that it is important to narrow it down or otherwise I would be all over the place. I’m inspired by the beach  but purple is my favorite color so I don’t know how that will work. And I love Tibetan beads. Lovely. I think I’m sticking with the beach.

Maybe someone isn’t doing jewelry making anymore and wants to get rid of their stuff on craigslist?? Just putting it out there…I’m so tempted to go to and go nuts. They have nice beads on clearance. Self control, where art thou?

If for some reason the class is cancelled or it is full before I get to register, then I will reconsider swimming.

Oh yeah, one more thing I want to do this fall is finally go to North Carolina! Most people dream of Paris, I’ll settle for North Carolina. LOL. I’ve been trying to get there for years but something always comes up. I’m not paying for this trip so it isn’t up to me at all. But I hope to make it in November. My boss has to approve for me to take that Friday off then D has to decide to want to go and then I’m off to Chapel Hill. I don’t want to visit UNC (but I will). I want to go to Duke University. I’m obsessed with that school. heh. I love their basketball program. Plus the campus is beautiful. I just hope everything works out.

OMG! I just got approved to get that Friday and Monday in November off!! 🙂 That still doesn’t mean I’m going to NC but it is more likely. woohoo. YAY.


I still have to pack for my overnight trip.  I don’t know what to take. I hope I can make it to the beach on Sunday morning. (The concert is Saturday night). That would be awesome. I just have to figure out parking.


What do I feel the most other than anxious? OVERWHELMED.

Another outburst. Sorry I can’t help it. 😉


I fell in love with a tortoise!! A guinea pig also gave me the cutest look. Anyhow, for the past few months I’ve been really wanting a turtle. Petsmart just happened to have Russian tortoises when I went there on Sunday. They were so cute. Two of them appeared to be sleeping but one was poking his cute little head out. 🙂 I want one so bad. But I can’t. I’ve read a lot about turtles and I can’t have a Russian tortoise where I live now or when I move. They require too much. I still might consider an aquatic turtle one day

Russian tortoise chilling outside

What a cutie!  🙂

Now I have to do work after work because I’m a geek.

Stay on the Ride

I can cross one thing off my fall 2012 goals list.

I made 2 pairs of earrings. Too bad they suck! 😉 I wore 1 pair today. Yes I spent two hours last night making earrings. Just a normal thing to do on a Friday night. Some things I share do actually happen. I have to get better at it. I’m learning by watching a DVD. I’ve been making simple necklaces since 5th grade but I have never been able to make anything more. So yes I’m excited that I finally made a pair of earrings but I wish they would have looked more professional. After making the earrings, I didn’t even try to make a necklace. I suck at this wire stuff and this is supposed to be easy! You know, “anyone can do it” . blah. not me.

one of each pair

I also brought 4 strands of pretty beads from Hong Kong via ebay (purple, lavender, red, & black). I can’t afford to do this as a hobby unless I can buy cheap beads. Beads are so expensive! I had forgotten how much they cost. So I went on ebay to get $4.00 worth of beads (free shipping!!).

Can’t wait to get them. BTW, the DVD I’m using is Creating Wire & Beaded Jewelry with Linda Jones. I got it from Ebay.  It is very good. Most people could probably make a lot from just watching the dvd. I’m stuck on part one. :/

As far as my other goals go, I’m about to give up on the resume thing. I used to be so good at that. I almost was done 3 different times before I gave up because I didn’t like something about it. I’m kind of stuck with that one. This weekend is busy. I will probably focus on work for the remainder of the weekend. But I’m also jotting down ideas for my social anxiety “ebook”. I think I’m just going to do a 1 page PDF. I don’t have that many tips. Heh.

I have been giving swimming lessons a lot of thought. One issue is that I would rather have a female instructor. It isn’t a must but I still want to know in advance which  means I have to ASK someone. ugh! It is bad enough calling at all. I still haven’t decided on semi-private (2 people to 1 teacher) or group (5 people to 1 teacher). I just wish I could get my money back if after one group session I know it isn’t going to work. lol. If I do it, it will probably be in October. Bathing suits are discounted by then, I think. 😉 Group lessons are cheaper so I’m leaning towards that but I would love to know more about the semi private lessons.

I went over to my house today and I can tell someone was there. Too bad they didn’t buy it. Someone please buy my house. PLEASE. I believe. I believe. Someone will buy my house by October.

I still have to go to school in the spring. That cost $800. So why am I spending money on jewelry making and (maybe) swimming lessons. Is it foolish or is this the only way I will ever get to LIVE??? The benefits of having friends is not having to spend so much money. I’m sure I could find someone to teach me to swim if I were social. Not just swim but also make jewelry. But I’m out in the middle of the ocean with no one around so I’ve gotta pay for everything.

I know it is all my fault. BLAH.  Everyone’s problem is their own doing. I KNOW. I prefer being alone than the alternative. This isn’t woe is me just the truth.

Oh well I’m in the middle of a really good book so I think I’ll read that now and ignore everything else.

What scares me

People…but that’s an everyday thing.

What scares me more than failing at selling Avon is ‘what will I do if Avon doesn’t work?’. Avon has become my life outside of work. I LOVE IT. It so exciting to have a new hobby. Nothing enjoyable has overtaken my life this much. (not including passive things like watching sports).

So if a lot of people are at the flea market and my stuff doesn’t sell, what do I do? Not give up. There is more than one flea market so giving up after one day would be foolish. I am worried about the # of people ) because last time I went, the # of buyers was lower than I’d ever seen (2 years ago).

I will probably have about 100-150 items (mostly lotion, skincare and jewelry). Some repeats but since I don’t know what people are willing to buy and for how much, I went for variety. I’m definitely going to only buy in the future things that sell.

I’m not too concerned with selling the inventory, I know I can find someone, somewhere to buy this stuff. Avon will take anything back in 30 days (yes used too) so the only thing I may send back is some makeup. I really wrestled with how much makeup to buy. I don’t know much about it. It doesn’t interest me. And I don’t know what colors are in. I was buying redish lipstick but then I noticed that a lot of people are wearing nudes, light pink and brown. ugh! I don’t even know how to apply lipstick! I will be wearing my SPF liquid foundation since I’m going to be in the sun for hours. More on that later…I’ll just say there is no way in hell I would wear that everyday!

What is so fun about Avon? Besides picking my own little store, I love that we get to see and buy the new products at a discount. I love putting goody bags together (brochures, samples, order forms etc.) That’s not it. I just love it. I’ve always wanted to have my own business. And this is something that could work for me. Thank God I love selling at flea markets. Last winter wasn’t too cold so maybe I can go into the 1st week of November selling. I plan on going to school regardless in January. So this money will go into a remodeling/stuff that I need to do savings fund.

I also love looking at remodeling books and shows but I get frustrated because of the cost so that is not a fun hobby…yet.

So if I lose Avon, do I lose my life? My joy? This has to work. This is what I’ve dreamed of. I will not give up easily…and I won’t keep going back to flea markets if people aren’t buying. I will probably be blogging about this a lot (when I’m not working 9-5 or Avon) because this is my life.