Still hanging out in dark bars

I’ve been telling various people my story, and all have come to the same conclusion – I’m stuck. That’s not comforting. Who wants to be stuck and have no options?

I don’t even have my health. My weight is somewhat stable at 115. Sometimes it goes up a pound or two. Oh, and my blood pressure is 133 over 100, which is horrible, and I probably shouldn’t be walking around like this. However, I can’t eat much, so I have to eat whatever I can even if it’s “bad” for me. I’m never hungry. I just eat so I will have enough energy. No appetite.

I didn’t get to speak to the new psychiatrist. So no new medication for my stomach issues. But I do have an appointment with my old psychiatrist on Sunday night. He doesn’t seem to get that I can’t just stop my anti-depressant cold turkey. How can a doctor not get that??? And I know he’s a good doctor, so this is frustrating.

Nothing has changed. I’m stressed out due to things beyond my control, and that has made me physically sick.

I would be much less stressed if we had Medicare for All. But Americans want people to suffer, so we don’t have that. I find some comfort in the fact that some of them of suffering too. Yet they accept the health insurance we have! How dumb is that? But if they want to suffer…

I have two days off next week. Thank the universe!!! I need more weeks like this. I wanted to go to the park, but it will probably rain. I’m going to the thrift shop (I haven’t been there in years) and the sauna. The sauna is the only thing that takes my stress away, but it’s not free. It’s not too expensive. I’m going to sign up for the two visits a month plan for $49. I will try to keep it for three months.

The only downside of the sauna is that you can burn 600 calories from one visit. (!!!) Um, that’s the last thing I need. But I love the other effects, so I’ll do it twice a month until my money runs out. I hope I don’t burn that many calories. Not good.

I’m still crossing my fingers for the park. That was the whole plan for these days off. My dog would be so happy. It’s not supposed to rain on Sunday, but everyone is at the park on Sundays. My dog is not good around other dogs. Sigh. But that seems like my only choice. Whatever it takes.

Current Events: I’m listening to the Derek Chauvin jury selection process. (He kneeled on George Floyd’s neck). I’m so frustrated by the lack of women on the jury so far. Both sides are guilty of passing on women. Of course, there aren’t a lot of Black people on the jury so far. One juror identifies as Black. Oh, and there’s one Hispanic man and one biracial woman. I just want more women on the jury. The trial starts March 29. I will be there. Oh, and it was a big mistake for the city to award Floyd’s family $27 million BEFORE the trial. The jury will see that headline and it could mess up the verdict.

This week I…

Music of the week: Mary J. Blige, Taylor Swift, SWV, Grace Potter, Natasha Bedingfield, The Highwomen, Amy Grant, Carly Rae Jepsen

TV of the week:  Fatal Vows

Podcasts of the week:  Dateline, Truth and Justice, Undisclosed, Crime Junkie

Books of the Week: I’m reading about 10 books, but I haven’t finished any since I last posted.

Weekend Plans: Working. Some people complain about working 5 days a week, and yeah that sucks but try working WAY more and still not being able to have your own place. Try that and call me back. I woke up early this morning. I have about 50% of my work done for today. Not bad. I can’t wait until I start going to the sauna on every other Sunday. Tomorrow I’m going to try to finish a library book before it’s due. It’s a book about asexuality.

Thanks for reading. Have a great week/weekend. 🙂

Not having a meltdown

I’ve been taking my blood pressure on two monitors. I had an older one and I recently ordered a new one because it had better ratings. Both of them say the same thing, so both of these are decent monitors: Fanry Blood Pressure Monitor and the HoMedics Blood Pressure Monitor.

Here are my BP readings for the last couple of days:

  • 147/84 – October 13 HoMedics 11 am
  • 127/91 – October 14  HoMedics 7 am
  • 126/80  – October 14  Fanry 5:45 pm
  • 127/84  – October 14 HoMedics 5:50 pm
  • 125/72 – October 15  Fanry 6:40 PM

So I think my blood pressure is fine. I only had one high reading and that was the first time I used the HoMedics one in about 2 years. My dog was bothering me. My mom was here. etc. Since the two monitors pretty much match, I’m not going to keep doing it twice. I think what happened at the screening is that I was REALLY stressed. I was anxious.

I will probably keep monitoring it, but I’m not worried at all. I went to the doctor in September and it was 130/80.

I wish I could say my allergies were doing okay. It was so bad on Saturday night, I couldn’t breathe so I had to go to my mom’s house to sleep! I would have gone to a hotel if I had money and didn’t have a dog. I like hotels (most of the time). Yes, I’m still using the air purifier and it is helping a little, but not enough.

I’m worried about how much my electricity will cost by having the machine at full speed. Ugh. This sucks. I’m so glad I’m moving soon because I can’t keep living like this. AND the cold air from the purifier is “forcing” me to use my little heater to keep warm, so yes, the electric bill will be higher. 😦

I did my goals/priorities for the rest of the year (and beyond really). Guess what? Tarot didn’t show up in the top 5! That was shocking to me. My top 5 priorities are:

  1. Work (day job only)
  2. Health
  3. Finances
  4. Spirituality
  5. Hobbies

I might break this down more in my next entry. I had my dog on the list, but that is obvious right? Of course, my dog is a priority. I don’t feel I have to list him, but I guess I could remove hobbies and put my dog on the list.

It’s getting late. I’m going to get in the bed and focus on one of my hobbies for a while: reading! See ya later. 🙂

I can hardly breathe

I had to buy a $149 air purifier. Guess who doesn’t have $149? But I had to. This was a NEED, not a want. I just wish the reviews would have said how much cold air it blows out. It is like a fan or a baby AC. Lots of people complained about the loud noise which of course doesn’t bother me. But it is very cold in my house when it’s cold outside because I have no insulation. The last thing I need is an air cleaner or anything blowing out cool air.

But other than that, I think I like it. I was planning on returning it (something I never do) if it didn’t work because $149 is just too much money. I haven’t had to take my allergy medicine since I’ve gotten it. Yeah, I’m moving in 6 weeks or less, but I still had to something. My allergies were SO bad. I have never experienced anything like this. ugh. Oh, and the allergy medicine stopped working. It worked until about a week ago. I did get some relief from peppermint essential oil. But I didn’t want to run my effuser 24/7.

It is so cold, but no allergies! yay!

Allergies? Check. Very high blood pressure? Maybe. On Tuesday my blood pressure was 142 over 100 which is INSANE. I should’ve gone to the doctor immediately. However, I went about a month ago and it was something like 130 over 80. I have my own blood pressure monitor, but I can’t find it. I saw it about 6 weeks ago, so I will probably be able to find it tomorrow while I’m packing. Anyway, I was more nervous at the screening than when I normally go to the doctor so I think that had something to do with it. She only waited 2 minutes before she took my BP again. It went down a little, but not much. I probably needed at least 5 minutes of just being by myself to calm down.

UPDATE: corrected BP numbers. My BP on Tuesday was 142/100. (!!!!). I found my BP monitor today and it was 147/84. FWIW.

So I don’t know. I hope my BP isn’t really that high. That’s horrible!! I don’t understand how it could jump that much in a month, but I guess it is possible. I don’t know how reliable my BP monitor is. It wasn’t expensive, so I’m guessing it isn’t the best. So I will probably monitor my own BP for a week or two and then go to the doctor if it is still that high. I know birth control pills can raise BP. I’ve been on these pills for about 6-8 months. Hmm. I dunno. Both of my parents have high BP so my genes are not good when it comes to this.

It could be stress causing it. I’m so stressed out. Work is killing me. I don’t want to talk about that though.

My cholesterol was great. I don’t have diabetes. My weight is okay. I’m not overweight yet…I do have a plan to lose weight. I’m doing my goals for the last part of the year this weekend. Losing weight is one of the goals. The other 3 will probably be day job and tarot related.

More medical stuff because this is so thrilling! 😉 I got my first flu shot this past Tuesday. I’m still here so I might get one again. If I get the flu this year, I swear I’m never getting another flu shot again. I’m glad I did end up getting the shot because since my BP was so high, I didn’t get that discount. I did get the $100 discount on my health insurance premium for the flu shot. So I ended up getting $500 off my health insurance. I got a discount for my weight, the flu shot, and not smoking. I would have gotten a $700 discount if my BP were okay. Oh well.

I hired an assistant to help with my tarot biz. I really need help during quarter four. Here he is the first day on the job:


This week I…

Music of the week (my top 8 most listened to): Maggie Rose, Jess Glynne, Taylor Swift, Matt Nathanson, Lauren Daigle, Ariana Grande, Camila Cabello, James Bay

Maggie Rose is a gift from the gods and the new Jess Glynne album is everything.

TV of the week:  Nashville

Movie of the week: None

Podcasts of the week: All In With Chris Hayes, So You Wanna Be a Witch, Dr. Death, Serial, The Lowe Post, The Lively Show, True Crime Garage

I had been resisting Dr. Death because everyone else was listening to it. LOL No, really it was because I’ve read so many stories and about doctors killing patients. I thought, why should I listen to this? But it is good and definitely worth a listen. I’m listening to it as I type this.

Books of the week: 

Currently reading –

Plans for the weekend: PACKING!! This should be interesting. I’m doing the bedroom and my mom is doing half of the living room tomorrow. I really want to get so much packed. Half of me wants to move so bad (the half with allergies) and the other half of me will really miss living here. It’s quiet, in walking distance to a great park etc.

I’ve finally been working on my astrology course this week. I really want to get good at astrology because I want to offer more astrology services along with tarot. One day, I might do only astrology. I LOVE astrology. It is so fascinating. Not that tarot isn’t. It’s just that there’s so much science behind astrology. In fact, I’m going to stop blogging soon and work more on my course tonight. I know how to party on a Friday night.

Have a marvelous weekend! Thanks for reading. 🙂


I’ve been sleepwalking, dreamstalking

I had a dream for 20 minutes. It is now over. I was going to culinary school in the spring. I wasn’t going to tell anyone. I had the program picked out. I researched the program a little more and then I realized that it would not be possible. The main class is from 7AM – 10AM every Tuesday. And the second part is at right after. I can’t go to work and school like that!!!

I have a job where I have to be there everyday or on PTO. I can’t do like my mom and work 40 hours in 4 days for example. It would take a loooong time finishing culinary school that way but at least it is an option. Oh well. Dammit.

It could have been great. I would be getting out of the house. I would be around people. AND working towards a goal. Also this could work for me personally and professionally.  😦 Sucks. This wasn’t the first time I thought about it but this was the first time I was sure.

I know culinary school is tough from the research I did the first time I was interested.


I had my blood pressure, cholesterol, glucose levels etc. checked for free today.  Blood pressure and glucose levels = great. My total cholesterol was high though. I’m not going to stop eating eggs! lol. I eat them almost everyday. My weight was 135 but they subtracted 3 pounds for clothes. um, woohoo? Not really.

Short entry. I’m going to exercise and then I will clean my kitchen. I have a thrift store post coming up. I went a few weeks ago and I want to show off my clothes. 🙂

I forgive you?

I’m about to go nuts. Not nuts like I would like. I would love to go all Dexter on some peeps but you know…I’m a coward. Nuts for some REAL food. haha. I’ve been eating fucking apples. Yes I know there are people who can’t afford apples or even have clean water but let me vent. Sigh. I dunno. I had one meal today which isn’t good but today was a strange day. I went to work at noon. Then I went to a pilates class. Now I’m not hungry but I’m bitter about the food situation.

Yeah, that makes no sense.

Pilates…OMG. That crap is hard. I thought I could do it because I’ve followed DVDs etc. But this women’s class was hardcore. &^$% I may have lost my punch card and then I won’t be allowed back in for 19 more classes. I hope I find it. Anyhow, I don’t know if my problem is simply a fitness one or if it is the scoliosis. Scoliosis even affects my yoga so………once again: I dunno.

I am sort of proud of myself for trying new things. I’ve done 5+ classes of yoga, one zumba class and one pilates class in 2011. And I think yoga is the one I want to stick with. I know. I know. It depends on the instructor. I need a smallish class with an instructor who will DO the poses instead of SAY the poses. I think I can get yoga down. Zumba is kinda okay. 🙂 I just don’t enjoy the dancing in front of people part so much.

Back to pilates: The instructor was great. She knew two of us were new. There were only 4 people in the class! It felt weird because I was the new girl before the other new girl showed up late. They were talking about how close they were. AWKWARD…for this socially inept girl who just wants to do pilates. lol.

I doubt I go back to pilates since they don’t have a beginner’s class. 😦 They only have mixed classes so what am I supposed to do? Besides try yoga. Again. They do have a spin class that looked interesting but I don’t know. It was full so I guess I would have to be there early.

FOOD: I love, love salads but my body does not like eating salads everyday. That sucks. I think I’m going to keep making and eating them to see if my body will get used to it. The taco salad was the best. I ate it for three days straight. Now I’m just eating regular salad or cabbage with chicken or fish for dinner. That’s fine but I’m still having problems with the breakfast/lunch thing. Well at least I know I haven’t gained any weight.

I don’t know how much I weigh now. The scale at the gym said 121 pounds at first and then after I lifted weights it read 123 TWICE. So I have no clue. (Um, somewhere in between??)  I really don’t want to do the scale thing but it was sorta there and since I’m small to begin with, that seems that best way to track my weight. I know this sounds nuts but I really want to weigh 115. But I’ll take 118. No anorexic jokes please. I’m not unhappy at my current weight but if I were to gain more and more, hell yeah I would be disappointed with myself.

I have so much stuff to do tonight. I am never going into work late again. It sucks my time.

leave the sweetness behind

Talk about a life changer. The 17 Day Diet: A simple plan that targets both belly fat and visceral fat and produces fast results that last! is the best “diet” book ever. I don’t even need to crack open the other books. Last night I was going to read the first chapter of each book. I did that with one and then I started The 17 Day Diet and couldn’t put it down. The unfortunate part is that people may be turned off by the title. But I read the reviews on Amazon so I knew it would work for me. I’m not trying to go on a 17 day diet. I’m sure it works but I just needed meal ideas and nutritional information. I got that and more. I definitely recommend this book to anyone who doesn’t know where to start.

Even if you don’t cook, you can follow this diet. Diet as in a way of eating NOT losing weight. The biggest con of the book is the “being thin is the best thing ever!!1!!!” crap. Um, I’m thin and my life uh, well…do I need to say more? I can ignore that but others may want to strangle the author. The author is a doctor, by the way. I’m definitely buying this book after I can’t renew it anymore. 🙂

What amazed me is that I could follow the menu without having to go to the grocery store immediately. This morning I ate eggs and an apple for breakfast. I actually have those things in my house. ha. I love a good book with good info. Can you tell? I read so much crap. ROFL. But everything can’t be exceptional.

I found a cooking class. It takes place the first week of January. Guess who wishes it were sooner?? (Patience).  It is perfect. It is a two hour class that focuses on healthy eating for beginner’s. The only drawback is that the menu involves cake! I’m sure it is low calorie cake. heh. The menu consists of fish tacos, roasted vegetable lasagna, pomegranate glazed chicken and devil’s food cake. If I could pick one thing to retain from the class it would be the vegetable lasagna.

vegetable lasagna

I can’t wait to learn how to cook. I never thought I would type/say that! The world will end if I ever start to want to clean. :/ That won’t happen.

I’m still waiting to find out when my final is. I’m so scared I will find out it is this week. I’m going to be screwed if it is. Having to go to the beach this weekend is messing up my schedule big time. At least it won’t be snowing. It might actually be kind of warm.


I hate when people offer to help you but then guilt trip you about it. Well it could be karma. I’ve probably done this so I should shut up.

I’m a thin bitch

You would cry too if you had SA too. Ungrateful bastards. Laugh all you want. “I wouldn’t let that upset me”. Um, do you have SA? No? So STFU. Next. (I’m coming back to this topic, don’t worry).

My BMI is 16 which is severely underweight. But hello people? I’m 30….not 30.5 like that paper said. I turn 30.5 in January. Geez. Anyhow, I’m getting older. My metabolism is slowing down like it normally does when you get older. Also, my weight fluctuates. I’m not drinking Ensure because I know how to gain weight. I just don’t want to. She said I was the only person she told to GAIN weight. It’s not like I weigh 90lbs. I don’t have an eating disorder. I’m naturally thin. However…

Maybe I’m caught up in American culture. Thin is ALL I have. From my teenage years throughout my twenties, I’ve had a decent body but NO ONE ever saw it. Not even me. I didn’t give a crap what I wore. Growing up we didn’t have much money for clothes and all I had were big baggy clothes. In college, I didn’t have enough money for the 3 meals a day meal plan so needless to say I didn’t eat or buy clothes. Then I become a thrift shop expert.

I have worn clothes too big for years. I still wear some of those clothes. To make a long story short, I’ve just started wearing clothes that fit me. I wear skinny jeans. I wear short skirts/dresses. I still look like I’m in my twenties so why not? I’m definitely not doing it for anyone else. (women or men). I’m not saying I look good. My point is: I’ve finally stopped hiding my body at the age of 30! I’m a late bloomer. Let me be.

And yes it is extremely superficial to say “thin is all I have” but have you read my blog? Can you get why I feel this way? I’m horrible in every other way…according to American culture. I have an ugly face if that makes this sound better.

In June my blood pressure was great. 120 over something. Now it is 130!!! That is pre-hypertension. Dude, that isn’t cool. My job is killing me. At first it was 140 over something. I kid you not. Then the nurse told me to relax for 1 minute and it went down to 130. I can’t tell you how much this call center thing has stressed me out. Plus I’m always anxious which may lead to high blood pressure eventually anyway. I think these past two weeks have set off my ulcers. Okay, I don’t know if I really have ulcers because I would have to go to a doctor for that. But my stomach has felt funky for the past few weeks. It wasn’t an upset stomach.

This is the weird part: When they were taking my blood for the glucose part (or whatev), the other nurses were so concerned.

“Are you okay?”

“Do you want any water?”

“Are you sure?”

“What kind of job do you do” (LOL)

I said “fine” “NO” “yes” (insert job title).

I don’t know what they saw. Crying all day for two days straight may make me look a little stressed. IMO, I was just feeling regular anxiety. I was around strangers! Um, yes that is enough to set me off. I really don’t know what was up with that. I was caught totally off guard with that line of questioning. I wanted to laugh or at least chuckle but I was too nervous. It was weird that ALL of them thought I was going to faint or drop dead.

(Btw, this was all free and I did it just to do it).

I’ll talk about the call center in my next entry. As of now, I’m not on the phone next week so I’m thrilled!!!!!! I will be on the phones the week after, and the week after that etc

I also have to apologize to Ax. I was quick to judge her. I only posted my thoughts here and deleted it the next day. I didn’t tell anyone so I’m going to apologize here but that is a long story and I have to go.

I’m so tired. I think I’m going to dream about what I want to do for New Year’s. I may even surf for hotel deals. I always stay at a hotel for New Year’s because where I live the illegal fireworks are out of control. It is day and night. I don’t want to be more miserable. I have to sleep. I doubt I go out of state. I never have in the past. I’m working crazy OT over the thanksgiving holiday. But 80% of that is going straight to tuition. Maybe if I work OT during December I might buy a working TV. Woohoo!


I feel weird posting here even if no one reads. I feel like I’m losing my anonymity…especially since my tweets are posted here. I told them NOT to link to my page but it didn’t seem to matter. I LOVE twitter and I can’t even check in @ work or on a cell phone. I read twitter from the web. Where else can I read thoughts from David Gregory (host of Meet the Press) and Shaq. I don’t even like Shaq’s public persona but I love him on twitter (can’t say I don’t personally like him….though tempted cuz I don’t know him).
I brought some b12 vitamins today. I am going to try to take one daily. My only concern is that a MD recommends 100mcg at the most while what I have is 250mcg. Weird. No, they can’t be broken up because I have gummy vitamins. 😉 I tried them before and I could feel an instant difference. I’m taking this for overall health but mainly for my mild depression. What I really need is something to help with irritably. There are vitamins for that (I’ll link to the book later) but I couldn’t find anything at CVS.
Yeah someone called me on my hostile demeanor today. @ work. I don’t like people looking at me and judging my facial expressions. HATE IT. I could go Christian Bale on these peeps…but I have social anxiety and general anxiety with a touch of Asperger’s. So I say nothing. Have a great fucking day!

Yes I use my hostility which I see as annoyance to protect myself. To get people to STOP STARING AT MY GODDAMN FACE. It is an invasion of my privacy. Why can everyone else live with this? CAN I AT LEAST HAVE MY FACIAL EXPRESSIONS TO MYSELF.

Give me ONE thing. My privacy! stop looking and judging.

Call me hostile. I call it my life.