Don’t be a girl about it

You can Judge me, love me If you’re hating me, do it honestly. You can tell, you can tell me, you can tell me, you can tell me, you can tell me. Face me. Make me listen to the truth even if it breaks me. You can judge me, love me If you’re hating me… Would you face me?

They think what I’m doing is about them. All I am doing is protecting myself. How could they take something I do personally? Even I know that if a person acts the same way around everyone that you can’t take it personally.

People hate Taylor Armstrong but what she said is so true:

If you can’t be my friend, then just don’t be my enemy.

That is all I ask. That would be what anyone wants right? Just to be left alone…if you hate me. Why do you have to be my enemy and say and do nasty things. Just leave me alone!

I don’t go out of my way to hurt you. I am protecting myself from you as much as I can. I need to realize that I can’t control you. I get it intellectually, of course but I don’t really get it.

This job will be the death of me. If only…If only…Am I…When am I going to get to work at home? I’m so sick of this. Why can’t they just leave me alone until I figure something out.

The environment is so toxic. And in my opinion, all they have to do is SHUT UP. But of course that would be too easy. And maybe they can’t help it. They have reverse social anxiety. I’m not making a joke about SA. I really think diarrhea of the mouth should be a mental health issue.

let’s focus on the hate

I just got robbed at Subway…yet I said nothing. I had a gift card that paid for about 30% of it and that is why I said “whatever”. I also got charged $2.00 extra at the work cafeteria. I said nothing. Now you wonder why I’m angry? 🙂 I vowed to never go into the work cafe again…but one day I was almost falling asleep at my desk. and I foolishly “needed” coffee. I didn’t even drink all of it. There is no good reason to be ‘eating out’ but that’s another entry.

One more random thing: Any person who says, “Everyone had a bad childhood” did not have one. It is on my list of things that perceptive people just don’t say. Everyone isn’t smoking weed or having sex or doing whatever you are doing. It is what people say to make themselves feel better. Were you raped/molested as a child? Did you see your parents get shot in front of you? How dare you say you had a terrible childhood? (judgment) Are you kidding me???? Seriously?! Keep in my mind, I would NEVER say this to a person and belittle their childhood experience but to say “everyone had a bad childhood” is a crock of shit. Everyone may think they did…which baffles me. but whatever. I could do a whole entry on this.

edited to add: I know the above comes across as harsh. It’s like saying, “Everyone was teased”. Um, there is a difference between being teased by your “friends” and being so afraid to get on the school bus every single day because you know it is going to be bad.

I HATE PEOPLE. I MOTHERFUCKING HATE THEM.

I think that has been established through this blog in several ways. I also hate heavy traffic, more than 6 inches of snow, the cold, baseball, the Pittsburgh Steelers and grasshoppers.

It’s okay to hate people* (in my world – haha). I know people who hate people but have friends/acquaintances. The problem FOR ME is when I take this out on someone. This person isn’t 100% innocent but still…Dude, I have to get over my ANGER. I’m not about to fight anyone or anything. My anger doesn’t manifest that way. (Thank Buddha or I would be out of a job).

*Of course it is probably better for yourself if you don’t. In fact I know it is.

This is 100% my issue. The problem is that I thought this person was totally opposite of what he/she is. Don’t you hate when you think someone is admirable and then you find out they aren’t? I know I’m not supposed to look UP to others but I think/thought some people were cool. What’s wrong with admiring someone? You know what is wrong with that? YOU DON’T FUCKING KNOW THEM. They put on a facade!

Okay. It is a SHE. She is a normal person with a mean side. *GASP* Can it get any worse? (I’m being a little sarcastic). I thought she was smart (judgment), different (judgment), perceptive (judgment), and nice. All judgments. She may be smart but boy, did she let me down on the others. Yes this is my issue, my fault. I should have never had her on a pedestal….especially without knowing her.

I’m angry at myself because even though I intellectually know the above, I refuse to accept it! WTF is wrong with me. We weren’t even friends so why should I even care who she is?????????????

Now I can’t stand being around her. I radiate anger….when she is around. Tension. Anger. Hate. I’m not PMSing. Some of this may due to stopping the Wellbutrin suddenly. That is always a major no-no. You could get really depressed, have physical symptoms or GET ANGRY. But I couldn’t take it without gagging so for me it wasn’t a choice.

So many things bother me about this.

1. If she were (in my opinion) innocent, I think I could find someway to curb the anger. I have tried. This has been going on for at least 3 days. I mean the strong hate. I have tried acting like she isn’t there but then she laughs and I get irrationally angry. I’m embarrassed. I should be. I have never experienced something like this before because normally I could avoid the person.

2. I can’t get over how she “really” is. I want to call her an evil bitch. Even though it isn’t true. LOL. No, I don’t want to say it to her. I mean in my mind I feel that way about her even though I know it isn’t true. She just isn’t who I thought she was. That’s it. I need to get over it. (But how? I’m trying…I need something by tomorrow. Thanks).

3. Why is all my anger going towards her? Is it just because I didn’t think she was “one of them”? How can I get that angry over that? Perhaps I was really idealizing her. Wow.

I’m not done with this. I can’t find my paper journal and the only way I can process anything is to write it down. Actually I’m only typing and typing isn’t as cathartic as writing. So this hasn’t helped much.

I would love to go on but I have to mow my lawn for the first time since last August. This is long overdue. But it kept raining, then homework etc. So I’ve got to do it now. 😦 At least I get some exercise. It is almost 80 degrees out there. I’m really procrastinating, huh?

OK, It’s Alright with Me

Woohoo! I’m at home on a Saturday watching college football. No overtime today since I had a day off this week. In the past that would not have stopped me. I still would have worked overtime for regular pay. But now with office politics involved…I have to force myself to work OT. I am going to school in January. And I need money for possible car and house repairs. I’m in severe denial about repairs at the moment.

But I shouldn’t be home enjoying football. I have errands to run. I have almost no food in the fridge (that’s the norm). I have to go to the library. And my dad is coming tomorrow. *&%# I swear, I sooo don’t need anything extra going on but no one cares about how I FEEL so…whatever.

I was scanning a book by the Dalai Lama last night. One thing he said really resonated with me. I was about to accept that I hate JNx. LOL. Just accept it right? Anyway so I did. I wrote about how I hated her in my paper journal. Then I came across what the DL had to say:

Focusing on someone so much is like meditating on them.

Yuck! I don’t want to meditate on her. So hating her is out. Haha. People in love do it with their SO. It’s not just hatred. Anyhow being angry at someone can just be a habit. I try to be aware but with work stuff it is hard. JNx is doing stuff – daily so when it comes to her, I can’t just say “That’s in the past”. Because she does it every day. Sometimes it may be only a couple of times a day (heh) and sometimes it is once an hour.

I’m working through all this. All I know is that I no longer will have her in my mind long enough to hate her.

From this moment onwards
Until I attain enlightment
I shall not harbor harmful thoughts,
Anger, avarice, or envy.

-Shantideva

I’m not a Buddhist but I’m so grateful for this um, practice (?) for saving me. I had another bad Friday. Now I’m working on impermanence and as of last night NOT meditating on anyone.

————
I ordered two of my books for school last night! I was so OCD about it. I’m not exaggerating. I was and am still worried that I brought the wrong books. I must have checked 10 times and I’m still unsure. I brought them used (even though new was just $10 more) so it’s not like I will be able to return them if I find out in 4 weeks, I ordered the wrong books. Eventually I just had to click purchase.

Anyone who thinks textbooks are expensive just needs to buy them at Amazon. Even the new books are always cheaper than the school bookstore. I brought two books for $80. I used to pay that much for one book when I was at the university (back in 2001 – heh). I really hope no one is wasting money by buying them for more from the college. Trust me, new or used: It is cheaper at Amazon!

I couldn’t buy all my books because some teachers haven’t said what book they are using. Besides I don’t know if I’m taking 3 classes or 4. It sorta depends on what happens with any repair stuff.

Oh well, it is cool in my house. I can hear the wind blowing outside. Yeah, I really want to go out today. Am I the only person who doesn’t go out when it is cold (57 degrees – haha) unless it is necessary?