Only hurt when I breathe

I hate when I act the way they perceive me. People don’t talk about this. I guess it is filed under “self destructive behavior”. It sounds extreme. I’m not doing anything illegal. But it is self destructive. ARGH! I hate when I do this.

I should be writing this in my paper journal. My paper journal is just a ramble. I use it to work through things. It does help. I don’t use it as much as I used to because I’m scared of leaving it somewhere. I need to journal at work. That would be really helpful. However, I know myself and I know I leave/lose things all the time so that could be a disaster.

I’m rambling about nothing. I hate social shit.

We had to work in groups. I’m fine with this particular group in short bursts but after 30 minutes I want to scream “BREAK! BREAK! I need to breathe! Will you please stop talking? Will you please not invade my personal space (lol)? Is anyone else in another group going nuts?”


The good thing is that I’m not failing at it. I’m not saying much…because the other 2 people know more than I do. However, I am the doer of the group (not by choice – it just happened that I have the best um, system). Since I’m the doer, there is no time to zone out like I normally would to just think. I have a hard time breathing in a healthy way around people. They don’t have to be near me. If they are 30 feet from me but I can hear them, I have to physically get up to stop holding my breath and breathe.

I do having relaxation techniques. So far I’ve been to self conscious to do most of these things in public. It would be a semi victory to get me to do this in public. I used to do the breathing thing but I got “caught” and public and she started mocking me. Guess what? I haven’t done it around people since. SIGH. PEOPLE SUCK. I WANT TO LIVE IN A CAVE.

The whole being tense around people is why I’d stopped doing overtime. I feel it is unfair to not work every single minute of OT. It is a moral thing for me. I don’t care what others do since it isn’t my business. When I’m tense from holding my breath and muscles, I’m working slower. I can’t do OT like that. Now that I can get a private space (just for OT), I do OT. But I think the others are starting to resent it which means it will end. No one told them they couldn’t do OT privately. THEY NEVER THOUGHT OF IT BECAUSE THEY DON’T NEED IT.

That is my fault, right?

Whatever. So the group thing isn’t going horribly. LOL. 😉 But damn, I wish I could breathe. Haha. And I did have a bad experience this afternoon. I’m usually good one on one so this just hurt a little more. It was stupid. I’m mostly over it NOW. I was vulnerable and once again got rejected. I know I don’t have to see it that way. But for the next hour that is how I felt. Being vulnerable doesn’t pay off for me. Am I doing it wrong? Or should I not be vulnerable which is what I do 99% of the time.

Oh vey. I just want to be normal.

Fuck. This human social thing is too much. They don’t speak to me unless they know I have to work with them on that day. LOL. Such social behavior. Do they think I don’t notice that? I don’t care but I just want to ask, “Are you AWARE of what you are doing?” Or is it just a social normal thing that people do without thinking?

Sigh. People. Different but yet the same.

I somehow survived going to Walmart at 4:30 this afternoon. I have food! Total yayness. Yes I’m being sarcastic. ( I know true survivors are POWs, etc.) The parking lot was horrible but the store wasn’t that bad. I’m thinking doing a long OT session tomorrow. I hope I didn’t jinx it by saying what I said above. I’m not mentioning again. Shhh!

I can’t believe I will be in school in less than a month. I won’t be able to take a medicine that make me sleepy. Luckily Zoloft is not on the list so no worries there. But I’ve been nurturing myself by sleeping, listening to music and reading. That will end. I’ll still get some in but homework and studying is more important. This is more of a reason to do New Year with a bang…I guess.