tiny light

Thanks for giving me something to blog about.

Sarcasm: the last refuge of modest and chaste-souled people when the privacy of their soul is coarsely and intrusively invaded.

-Fyodor Dostoevsky

Sarcasm can be and often is mean spirited. I get it. It isn’t over my head. When you say, “Kill her with something”. I know you don’t mean that you are going to kill the person….because you don’t know where she lives. 🙂 (That was a joke) Seriously, I GET IT.

I think sarcasm is used by cowards. People hide behind sarcasm. Who can’t be sarcastic? Show your real self. It isn’t witty. After all I can do it so how hard can it be?
—————-
One more thing, amazes me about people. How can anyone who constantly talks badly about people utter the words, “What goes around comes around”. HOW????

YOU ARE GOSSIPING ABOUT PEOPLE. You call people stupid. etc. etc. Yet you have the audacity to even utter those words about being NICE. ROFL! This leads me to believe that they think talking badly about people is NOTHING. Do I have to go into how wrong I think this is? Especially in certain environments…work, school etc.

I sit at my cube in shock. I should be over it by now. And yes, I know not all people do it. I just wanted to explain my side since I believe those peeps are reading this blog.

1. I get sarcasm. I’m just not impressed.

2. I don’t understand how you can say ‘what goes around comes around’ when you are trashing people. How does that work? That I do not understand AT ALL.
—————-

I ordered my text book today. School starts August 22! My mom hasn’t brought me crayons yet. 😦 Anyhow, I was looking at the books I need for my next class…Wow, it is going to be a lot. It is 6 credits PLUS the cost of books. Ouch! I also have a 2 credit class I need to take so guess which one I might take this spring if I am not over school by that time?

After this semester, I have two more semesters left. I doubt I go to school in the spring and summer. I will choose one. Then it will be trying to get certified time.
———–
I have never wanted college football or any kind of football to start sooooo bad. I need it like some people need a glass of wine to relax. I’m sick of talking about it. I want to see action. I know college football isn’t that far away. It will be so great to relax on a Saturday and watch some football.

Bring it on!

Psychologically fragile

Warning: PMS talk
I hate bad Fridays!!!!! %$*# One girl – MnX did one thing and it set me off. Not in a physically way but in a mental way. FUCK. I hate PMS. She knew it would affect me but I’m sure she had no idea that it would make me ask, “Why are people so mean?” (naïve – yes & not at all helpful.) Dude, I’ve done nothing to you but you are going to start with me when I’m already irritable?

MnX is one of those loud trouble makers. I can respect the quiet ones because at least I can ignore them and I think, “Well they could be loud and starting stuff but they aren’t”. MnX goes on rants about me. Yes me! To this day, she has never said why she doesn’t like me. (Of course I know why – You try being quiet at work, I mean real quiet and they might not like you either). One day she got into my face and sighed hostility. She didn’t say anything. What could she say? I haven’t done anything to her.

I had a chance to rat her out but I am against tattling. It’s a moral thing for me. My manager asked me has anyone been physically hostile? I paused, thought about the incident and slowly said “noooo”. (I know that incident isn’t like getting physically hit but someone getting into your face like that in a work environment? That shows signs of hostility and could lead to something.)

I don’t know why she can’t ignore me like everyone else does. It must be her personality. I don’t know. I don’t get it. As for me ignoring her: It’s hard! #1. She talks loud. #2. She just rants about me (or whatever) to anyone who will listen. I hate being the center of attention. It is so embarrassing. Since she is so loud, people in other departments begin to talk about me and asks questions. This happened today and yesterday. 😦 So the “others” (heh) have now started and I feel like I’m stuck. How can I stop this? Sigh.

Anyhow, PMS makes me feel like a freaking monster. The research says that it can get worse at 30. I’m not a normal 30 year old in any other way but in that way. Thanks a lot. It’s the pits. I don’t know what else to do. As if I don’t have enough issues. What do I deal with first? I’m trying to figure out which is more firable. That is the most important thing. Social anxiety, irritability (10x worse during PMS), depression, etc.

I’m going to see my counselor in 2 weeks or so. It isn’t working. She is fixated on social anxiety. Nothing else I say matters. But it’s not like I dislike going. I just need to be proactive because I’m basically a hamster on a wheel. Another issue is that I have so many issues that it is impossible to cover everything in one hour. That’s why I want an affordable life coach…I should be making an appointment with my shrink.

Well I did get some organizing done this afternoon. I wish I had a washer & dryer but oh well. I will be doing school work all weekend. I have been doing assignments but not much reading/studying this past week. No OT. I probably will go out on Sunday to the gym (if I don’t have my period 😉 )

No meditating on the people at work. And I will have to have a new outlook for Monday even if I am PMSing.

innocent

Maybe miracles do happen. It cost me $65.00 but one problem has been solved. 🙂 I can get things but I have to PAY for everything. That is the major disadvantage of not having friends. Sure there are others but I run across that constantly.

People blame the victim* because it makes them feel better. How else can they explain why someone has a mental illness. (First they will deny the person has it then they will blame the person if they have it.) It makes them feel safe and as if life is “fair”.

*Using the word “victim” is the quickest way to make my point. dammit, I’m more than that. But yes I’m a casualty of SA among other things. Saying the V word makes people so uncomfortable but I don’t have time to break it down.

This has happened to me so many times. People with certain conditions know what I’m talking about. I think people are more compassionate about things they can SEE so the blaming doesn’t go on so much with those things.

It is all about them. I just wish I could stop getting annoyed by it. LOL. It is just so predictable and involves no deep thinking. The people at work have come up with so many reasons why I deserve to be trashed, gossiped, harassed. They have to comfort themselves somehow, right??? “Well she should do this…Well she shouldn’t have done that…If he had this…” It assuages their guilt.

Um, yeah whatever. Go to your buddies with their great lives and trash someone life who is worse. I don’t get that at all. But in order for them to feel as if everyone is getting what they deserve, they have to come up with that line of reasoning. Listen to a group of people trash someone. Eventually someone will try to justify it.

I bet they don’t think that way when they know someone has cancer. KNOW is the key word. If you seemed depressed and they don’t know why, they will blame you. It is your fault. You could have a life like theirs if only you ———–

I have to vent somewhere. I’ve been stuck in a room with a few people instead of at my cubicle. I’m also on my (hopefully) last day of PMS. I will be back to posting about flowers and rainbows…oh wait, I have take calls next week. Never mind.

I just want people to want to learn and be open minded. I’m a idealist.

KSx we have a problem

I’m an easy person. Not in that way. I’m quiet. The #1 thing I hear is, “You are so quiet” or “I never even know you are here!” etc. So I’m confused about how my name gets in people’s mouth. I know social people gossip to bond. (Said without an ounce of snobbery – heh). But I get irate when I see it happening.

Coworkers do it ALL the time. Okay, whatever. But KSx is supposed to be the supervisor. Shouldn’t she have an ounce of professionalism? She’s new but she is finally doing all the duties. She’s nice unless you aren’t social. Well most people are like that to some extent. But most people have the ability to get over me or ignore me since I’m so quiet.

Not this witch. If I catch her talking about me ONE MORE TIME! AHHHHHHHHHHHH. That is all she does. In my next one on one with my manager IF her name comes up, I will say, “I don’t feel comfortable asking her anything because she blabs about it to all the other coworkers”. No I won’t use the word “blab”. Plus she talks loud…and in a southern accent (no snobbery – most people can’t understand me at all).

I caught her today after lunch talking about a private personal email I sent her. Work related, of course. It was just ONE question. She said to email her if we had any questions. Well apparently she meant, “Email with any questions unless you are ———-(me)”. What a witch.

I have to stop mediating on her. I know. But recently she has talked about my appearance and the email thing to anyone who will listen. She is the type that must be liked by everyone. I get that but if you have to gossip to do that, then you better watch your back. (not a threat…)

I will mention her unprofessional-ism, only if it comes up. Shit will hit the fan. However, I know she won’t get into any trouble so I feel like voicing my concern is okay. After all, it’s what they all do. “Of course people are going to talk about you”. Blah. What about professionalism? Ethics? Privacy? Sorry, supervisors have different standards.

UGH!

I’m at your service

I’ve figured out my purpose in life. Excuse me for being selfish but what’s in it for me? Two people who never really talked, bonds over gossiping over me. Great. I’m glad you have friends now. And of course everyone can look at me/observe me and feel better about themselves. Wonderful. Is that all there is?? Oh yeah, way more than 2 people have bonded over talking about me. Everyone else seems to have a purpose. If this is really my purpose in life then it must be karma. I don’t believe in being punished for past lives but….I must have been a serial killer in my last life to have such a dismal purpose. :/

———–
Anger repression.
My whole life I’ve been repressing my anger. I let people throw things at me. I never said a thing. I let people push me. I never said a thing. I sit and listen to people talk about me. Never say a thing. etc.

People must be out of their mind, if they think I’m going to just take this shit. They call me crazy??? How crazy is their behavior? “We are going to talk about her, say she has diseases (or fill in the blank), mock her clothing and her gait, and laugh at her?” And this is at my current place of work.

WHO WOULD PUT UP WITH THIS? NO ONE. People who repress their anger GO OFF. This is how shooting sprees happen. Read through the VA Tech files. He never said a thing and then he killed 30 people.

So no, I’m not going to feel bad about putting up my middle finger. Yes I meant “FUCK YOU”. This chick who usually works at home came into the office. She was ranting about me. She’s laughed before but nothing like this. This time she was starting stuff. So after an hour or so, I placed my hand under my desk and put up my middle finger. Not in her direction. I guess it was more at the world. Anyhow, one of my coworkers walked by and saw me. Of course she told. LOL.

Then days later she says to ‘no one’: It’s amazing what people will do when they think no one is looking.

WTF? No, I didn’t want anyone to see. That’s why I placed my hand under the desk. But I WAS DOING THIS FOR ME. It made me feel better. Here I am just sitting and listening to people make fun of me??? AND I’M NOT SUPPOSED TO DO ANYTHING? How ignorant is that? This is why I think I know more about human behavior than the average outgoing person. It’s because I observe but that is another entry.

It would be nice if I had another way to get the anger out. Eventually I want to be able to do deep breathing at my desk but as of right now, I’m too anxious (rigid) to do that. Getting up doesn’t really help. Walking around and sitting for about 10 minutes helps a tiny bit but I’m not exactly supposed to be doing that. (And I’m not complaining to my boss, scared of repercussions).

Sticking up my middle finger isn’t nice but neither is what they are doing. I know I need to come up with a better way to express my anger. I don’t do it everyday. Sometimes I just get sick of it. And it feels good to tell the world to FUCK OFF.

Goal: No middle finger for the rest of the week. 🙂