Talkers gonna talk

OKAY. NO FUCKING JOKE. I have always hated using the word “haters” (especially after T. Swift made the word so common) but OMG. I have HATERS after me. And there’s nothing I can do about it. I did nothing wrong. I just got lucky and they can’t stand it. They don’t think I deserve it. And what they say goes right? Who says they are the king of anything? Who says they are right? What a bunch of egos. They are trying to get rid of me. This sucks. It really does. 😦

I wouldn’t try to mess with someone’s livelihood so I really don’t understand it.

————————

aw, what a cutie!
aw, what a cutie!

Anyways….I’m excited because I just got stuff from my first “successful” estate sale. I have enough stuff to sell right now. But of course I am still looking for things. So far I have:

  • purses (brand new and used)
  • jewelry (brand new and used)
  • dolls
  • stuffed animals
  • office supplies
  • books
  • shoes
  • curtains (new in package)
  • decorations
  • baskets

I just want variety and I think I kind of have it but I could do better.

I brought 3 porcelain dolls for about $3 (total). Here’s the other:

doll
doll

I did buy one thing for myself at the estate sell. I could not resist. This was a bidding war! But I won. I got a cabinet to put my crafting stuff in. It retails for $79 on Amazon PLUS you have to assemble it. I brought it already assembled for $32.

craft cart
craft cart

Then on May 8th, I’m going to North Carolina for another estate sale. I’m working half the day then heading to Cary, NC. Never heard of it but it is kinda near Duke University so I’m hoping I get to stop by. I may have to board my dog for the night. :/ It will be worth it if I can get the stuff I really want (THE LUGGAGE) but otherwise…I can’t believe I’m going to North Carolina for a sale. I’ve never been. Well, I been through there on my way to Vegas. And I got to see the Duke University merch at the gift shop. Can you tell that I’m a Duke fan?

Honestly after driving 35 minutes to get to the estate sell today, I’m kind of dreading driving 2 1/2 hours to Cary, NC. I know I need to get over it. But today just reminded me that I don’t love driving. I used to drive back and forth from college town (3 1/2 hour drive) with no problems. Now I’m just over it.

I definitely have enough stuff to sell. I don’t think I need much else. I will definitely NOT be driving 2 1/2 hours for anything else.

Well I’m going to find somewhere to put my cart and then put all my crafting supplies in it. I swear I’m going to bed early tonight. Today has been a long day. Up since 5AM. #hustle

the paper’s heart been torn

Here is something I’d never thought I’d say: I can’t wait for the new yogalates class to start . The only thing good I have to say about yesterday’s yoga class is that it went by quickly. I was in the FRONT. Need I say anymore??? It sucked. Also, I thought I wanted to focus on breathing. Um, NOPE. In the beginning the breathing exercises were making me nauseous. I don’t want to do yoga with a focus on breathing. I think I want more of a workout. Hence, why I think yoga and pilates is a good idea. (It is mostly yoga, btw).

I have one more class left at the yoga studio. I’m going to take the more physically demanding class for my last (?) class next Thursday. The class would have been much more embarrassing if I didn’t understand that the people in the class were focused on themselves. HOWEVER, when I was in class sometimes I would look at the person in front of me to get the pose right. I was so horrible that no one could do that. UGH, it was soooooooooo bad. I’m not exaggerating.

I only got the breathing right 50% of the time. It’s not like I planned to be there 5-7 minutes before class started and therefore had to place my mat near the front*. I had a problem finding parking. Next week I will try (TRY?) to be in the studio 20 minutes before class time. 30 seems a little extreme and control freakish. lol. Plus, 20 minutes just seems more manageable. 🙂 I hope I can find a parking space.

*Well, I could have probably sat a little further back but it would have been beside someone. GASP! And I still would have been in the front but maybe I could have glanced at my neighbor. ugh. Wow, what an experience. My anxiety was high, high, high. I’m surprised I could breathe at all but that was the only thing I was doing semi-right so ugh.

Yogalates should be more my speed. A workout and a little focus on breathing. Classes start in August or September at another gym. I would see people doing pilates and think, “nah, not for me” but hopefully combined with yoga, it will be awesome! The main drawback of yogalates seems to be less emphasis on meditation.

Yogalates can also be beneficial as a yoga fusion class for those who have been dissatisfied with yoga because they haven’t gained much in terms of core strength. The yoga and Pilates combination allows these people to retain the benefits of their yoga class and add core strengthening moves that will slim their bodies. The benefits of Yogalates also can be seen for those unhappy with the Pilates emphasis on core work alone and nothing else. These people will enjoy the yoga fusion of yoga and pilates because they can work on other parts of their body as well as the core.

source: link above

—————–
WORK.

This week is moving slow. I thought today was Thursday. Sometimes I think people say things about me (or anyone) that they couldn’t possibly believe. I don’t know if it is a form of denial or straight conscious deceit. To clear things up….

I get ANGRY when I hear people negatively gossiping about people. To most that seems irrational. Whatever. It isn’t an issue of people just TALKING. It is talking about people when they aren’t there to defend themselves. (And in my case, I’m there but no one cares. hah.) It might stem from having very, very low social needs and ‘not getting it’. It may stem from hearing my mom nonstop talk about people all my life. She wouldn’t talk about current events, history just other people. Some of it definitely comes from growing up. OMG. Junior high. high school. Hello? Do I have to explain that?

When someone is talking to me about someone, I deflect. If the person insists, then I always end up taking up for the person I don’t even know! I just don’t think it is right. Call me self-righteous. Call me anything. I don’t care. No one is going to convince me that this is okay….especially seeing the effects in schools and work places. Two people gossiping about a celebrity in private, okay that is a gray area. I think gossiping about a celeb on the internet is just as bad as what people do to their “friends”.

Celeb example: First, a lot of them read what people write on the net so I try to take that into consideration. Nicole Ritchie is a great example. She had a reality show with the thin Paris Hilton, people called her FAT everywhere. Then she loses about 20-25 pounds and they say, “Why won’t see eat something? can’t she see that she is too thin?” SCREAM

These were the same people calling her fat!!!!!!! Why don’t they get it? Okay, I’ll calm down. I guess the hypocrisy is another pet peeve. Don’t get me started on parents who gossip in front of their kids. I wonder why people think it is a harmless act.

Okay I went on a tangent. I didn’t intend to go there. I just hate gossip. I’m working on not getting bothered by it (even though I feel it is wrong because it can hurt others). I’m trying not to judge the people who do it. It works on some days. When I’m in a bad mood, not judging them is a bit more challenging.

Oh well I have to go. I just want to explain (in case anyone cares) WHY it bothers me so much. I don’t care if you aren’t talking about ME. Not the issue…….

The power of lies

I don’t want to dwell on the negative but I do want to get my side out there. I’ve dealt with this my whole life! Geesh! Skip to the bottom of this entry to avoid the BS.

My coworkers thought I’d left so they talked about one of their favorite subjects: ME. To be fair, the people who are lucky enough to work at home came in and when they come in it is like chaos. The other people are over me (except for Mnx who loves to start stuff and JNx who sits near me and cannot stop talking). Anyhow, one of the supervisors said, “What a bitch!” about me. ROFL. I’m not upset over that. Okay, at the time I thought, “Damn, who can I tell to get her in trouble?” But I have some morals….one which is not getting people in trouble (tattling).

I’m blogging about this because the whole conversation was based on a lie. I hate that. The supervisor’s comment was a reply to what BNx said. When I was new, BNx was my trainer. She was awesome. 😦 Then she got new duties and had to stop training us (two people). We talked on the phone a lot. Have I mentioned that she works AT HOME. Due to my issues (social anxiety), that worked out great. There wasn’t pressure to have to talk to her everyday. When I think about it, that is probably my #1 issues with coworkers. I can’t get over on how to not freak out on knowing that I’m going to see them 5 days a week….

AND WTF DO I SAY?? That is all a part of SA. blah. blah. One day she came in from home. We saw each other face to face for the 1st time. I was my usual socially awkward self. *I* thought it went just okay but what I think is okay is usually seen otherwise by more social people. That is one thing I’ve learned over the years. It has made me jaded.

She went back home to work. We continued having phone meetings but by then I was no longer new so we mostly communicated by email. Then she came into to work about 3 months later. I was scared. What do I say to her? It was more like, Fuck! I can’t believe they are coming in. What if she expects me to be friendly/social??

The truth is, she never came up to me once. She was working on another floor since we don’t have enough work for the work-at-homers. We were in the same room for a meeting. I wanted to acknowledge her. She never looked at me and then I remembered how my manager mentioned she was “shy and quiet”. So I figured that was her defense mechanism. In other words, she was a little like me.

Then today, she threw me under the bus! :/ “She stopped talking to me when I stopped training her”. HUH? She works at home. As a rule the work at homers and the work in house people don’t converse. Even though we do the same things, there are definitely two groups. It doesn’t affect the work at all. When the homers (heh) come into the office, they do TALK. lol. Some more than others.

My point is, all this started over stupid shit. Why am I even blogging about? I’m going to leave this crap up. Just because….

—————–
I know what I’m doing on my two night, 3 day summer vacay. I know it very well. 😉 I wanted to go to a state I’ve never visited but with school, I had to stop with the travel books. It took me forever and a ton of research to plan my NYC trip last year. New York is sorta easy once you know how you are getting there and where you are staying. Easy is probably the wrong word. So many people visit and live there. I was so stuck at finding exactly where the hotel was that I randomly asked strangers on a message board. No, I don’t normally post on seedy places like that. THAT WAS A JOKE FFS! lol.

We are going to Virginia Beach….again. I always go with my mom on my on one trip a year to split the cost and she can’t drive so it is just nice. We have staued in this hotel once before. It is very nice. We got a deal…..and we also get a jacuzzi!!!!! Not that I’m into jacuzzis but that is supposed to be nice, right? It is a real suite with a kitchen, two separate rooms, oceanfront. YEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAH! I’m just stoked to have my own room. 😉

I’ll stop being obnoxious if that is possible. The following says it all:

Large Suites Sleep up to Six!
Designed with families in mind, our spacious beach rental suites sleep up to six people in total comfort. Each unit has two double beds and a full sized sleeper sofa in the separate living area. For your convenience, the suite’s kitchenette is equipped with a microwave and refrigerator. Additional amenities include high-speed Internet access, in-room safe, HBO, and onsite laundry facilities. The [hotel] offers everything you’ll need for your family’s unforgettable VA Beach vacation.

Private Balconies and a Jetted Tub in Every Room
Take a minute and imagine yourself kicking back on your private balcony to watch the waves embrace the sprawling Virginia Beach shoreline. And because all of our beach rental suites are oceanfront, every one of your vacation days begins with cool, sea breezes off the Atlantic.

And for the ultimate in relaxation, treat yourself to a luxurious soak in the generous 4’x5’ jetted tub featured in every room. There’s no better way to complement your adventure filled Virginia Beach holiday and just of thing to recharge your body, mind and spirit.

————-
I have homework to do and I really have to finish the last of last week’s newspaper so I can get rid of it recycle it. Shout out to Earth Day.

full disclosure

I’ve been a bad, bad girl in so many ways. Guess what is hooked up to my computer with no music on it? An Apple iPod classic 160 GB Black (7th Generation). 🙂 (Black not silver, of course) I don’t know where to begin with this one. There is no justification. Btw, I got it for $50 less at Best Buy. I think Amazon plays with the pricing a lot for some reason. I’ve had nothing but bad experiences with iPods so….The last one I had was 6 years ago. I returned it within a week and swore NEVER to buy anything from Apple again.

I had to go 7th generation to get the GBs I wanted. There was no way I was going to pay $250+ for a 32GB player. That wouldn’t hold all my music so what’s the point? I probably have about 60GB of music or more. I guess I will find out once I get the iPod filled. I remember it taking FOREVER to get all my music on there last time and that was 6 years ago. It has been soooooo long since I’ve had all my music with me. I love that feeling. LOVE IT.

I’m obsessed with music. It is my first and only true love. (Sorry pets – sometimes you make me mad). It never gets mad at me. Never asks for anything. It is always there. And it makes me feel like I’m not alone. Music is the only thing that does that. I’ve been head over heels since I was 8 years old. That is when I first started listening to the radio. Now I never listen to music on the radio. I only listen to NPR and sports talk.

Can I afford it? Nope. I mean it’s not like a bill won’t get paid this month… (Here comes the “but”). But I haven’t brought any new clothes or books in months. blah, blah.

I just hope it works!
———

Onto more serious stuff. I brought the iPod today for a reason. WORK. I would have eventually brought it anyway. It was bad today. Not PMS bad but bad. I walked out after I just couldn’t stand those um, women talking crap. It’s constant. They sit less than 5 feet from me. If they didn’t want me to hear, they could whisper. They do that sometimes. IMO, that’s respectful. Fine, they have social-itis. They are going to talk but do you have to be so loud? Do you have to let the person hear you?

(verbal taunting – look it up ladies)

So I went to work somewhere else. I could think. I’m doing brand new stuff so CLARITY is important. For example, yesterday I was doing the same old stuff I’ve been doing for a year, that crap didn’t bother me as much. Unfortunately this going into another room to work isn’t approved so uh, I could get in trouble. It’s not like I can do it everyday. I wouldn’t dream of doing it tomorrow. It is only when I’m FED UP. I’m going to try my best to NEVER go back there. I wish I felt great about not running away but I don’t have a good track record.

What would I do if that room wasn’t available? Take a looooooong break …something else that isn’t approved. I ended up leaving an hour early. I was “sick”. Yeah mentally fatigued. About to break. If there were such a thing as a nervous breakdown I would have had one by now. Being in school is not helping. I have to make the time up tomorrow. I wish I would have stayed. I hate nothing more than making up time.

I’m going to see my shrink next week. I have a solution in mind. 🙂 It’s legal but will he go for it. He better. He isn’t much of a talker. I guess that is what you get out of a HMO 15 minute meeting. I have so much to say. I’m going to have to write it down.

If this doctor appointment doesn’t go as plan, I probably won’t “need” the iPod. I’ll explain it quickly. Music calms me in a way nothing else can. When I listen to it, other distractions fall away. And work doesn’t seem so bad. But there was a problem: I had my old 8GB Zune (microsoft) player on THE LOWEST SETTING POSSIBLE. Yes on “one” but my coworkers could still hear it!!! That would cause problems sometimes. It didn’t bother them (from what I’ve heard). But if they thought I was mad at something they did, they would think I was listening to the music on purpose. Uh, I don’t do that. Stop projecting!

If someone said something about me (negative, of course) and I played mt MP3 player they would seem to think it is about them. They think EVERYTHING I do is about them. No I was just feigning for some music. I’m sorry that even on the lowest volume setting possible, they could still hear.* There were many days when I wanted to listen to music to calm me (or just boredom) but I didn’t. Now if I have the same problems with this iPod,I will try to return it. I only use my MP3 player at work and while grocery shopping. Music makes things I hate tolerable.

Here’s hoping this iPod thing works…until I find another “cure” for my ails. I just want to keep my job. This iPod is pointless without a job.

(*By the way, I don’t think it is the headphones. I am a semi headphone aficionado. I’ve tried all brands and types at least once. It was the damn MP3 Player. Zune is great but why can my coworkers here my music AT ALL on setting “1”???????? That shouldn’t happen).

Universe please help me through the 9+ hour day tomorrow. I know they will try to bait me (like today) but please help me get through…And please make my ipod work. 😉

I’m glad I did my homework early for once. I still have to study tonight though.

obsessed

I was like, why are you so obsessed with me? ::chuckles::

This freaks me out! I can say with certainty that no one has ever ben obsessed with me…until now. I know how Mariah feels. It’s so disturbing Seriously, it’s a mind fuck!

You’re so so lame.

I have always felt that no one ever thought about little ‘ol me. That is the way I like it. But now my coworkers are constantly talking about me while I’m right there. They read a book about me and they are passing it around. um………..

Why you wasting your time?

In order to bully me, they have to dehumanize me. This happens in every bully/teasing situation. They dehumanize the person so they can continue to gossip/bully WITHOUT FEELING BAD.

You on your job. You hating hard.

The book they are reading (how embarrassing – hee)…I have narrowed it down to two. One I was planning to read. It is on my long list of “to read” books. I wish I knew for sure which book. Due to the dehumanizing thing, it has to be a book that makes me look bad. It can’t be something about social anxiety or asperger’s syndrome. (No I don’t have Asperger’s but I come across that way). I’m going to post which books or at least the topics later. Soon.

See right through you like you bathing in Windex.

I had a wonderful weekend last week. I slept and danced. 🙂 I watched three great movies (Doubt, Nick & Nora Infinite Playlist & Frozen River). I didn’t obsess over coworkers. I totally let go. (Imagine my shock when I found out they were reading about me while I was ‘letting go’! Um, I’m still bothered by this…obviously)

::sigh:: This weekend I’m getting a blackberry (ugh – so materialistic lol), going to the salon, working on Sunday so I can kill w/ my knowledge next week, cleaning, cooking. I hope I get a little sleep and perspective in.

As far as work goes, I guess I will focus on whatever I’m listening to. That’s my problem. My mind drifts but when I’m focused on an audiobook, the time pasts faster and I work a lil’ faster. And hopefully I won’t HEAR them.

thou shall quote the bible

I don’t know what’s going on w/ Kelly (ex-model, real housewives of nyc) but for some reason people are finding my site by searching for Kelly. I’ll find out after I post and take a nap.
—————-

Their throat is an open tomb… whose mouth is full of cursing and bitterness (Proverbs 3:13-14)

I have never really considered myself a Christian. When I was younger and naive, I might have for a year or so. However, I have read the entire Bible. I’ve read sets of encyclopedias so this isn’t weird. I can’t quote that many bible verses…probably 3. LOL.

These ppl (twitter speak sorry) @ work are over the top. This may make me sound like a total narc…as if I give a damn. But I think I’ve driven these people to CHURCH!! Seriously. One woman who never went (but always considered herself a christian) is now going multiple times a week. heh.

a perverse man stirs up dissension, and a gossip separates close friends -Proverbs 16:28

Here’s the theory: No, it isn’t all about me. BUT they do feel bad about how they treat me so they overcompensate by doing godly deeds. ::cough:: I have been sitting there for a year. They never talked about charity, god, religion until recently.

Okay here is the real theory:

They see me as the devil.

😉

You would have to be there to get it b/c I suck (and hate) explaining things. They know they “made” me snap on more than one occasion. Made is in quotes because of course it didn’t have to happen. Anyhow, how can a good person not feel bad for bullying someone??? So they talk about church and god. um, I’m not impressed or convinced of anything. I don’t care.

I’m a little worried about tomorrow ALERT: FRIDAY IS COMING. DON’T FUCK W/ME. I’VE BEEN SILENTLY PUTTING UP WITH YOUR SHIT ALL WEEK. I could feel myself coming undone a little today. It usually starts on Thursdays. I’m going to try to get up as much as I can but most days I don’t even have to make phone calls so getting up = not working. Tomorrow I do happen to have to make a call or too and I will go to a quiet room to do so.

A fool’s mouth is his undoing, and his lips are a snare to his soul. The words of a gossip are like choice morsels; they go down to a man’s inmost parts” (Proverbs 18:7-8).

Why can’t I just work from a laptop like some of the others do? I’m willing to use my home one until I can buy one. I could get sooooooooo much done if I could work where I sneak to make calls. And the chairs are so comfortable. 🙂
———–
No the work situation isn’t just about gossip…I wish! 😦 Although D aka tattle tale aka Christian did tell TWO people who were my acquantences that I didn’t like them. I hate to even think about it. It isn’t true. SHE IS LYING and therefore hurting my rep. I did try to speak to one of these people. She barely spoke and didn’t smile. They believed HER. Why does she have this power to destroy my work relationships. People blindly believe as if she couldn’t lie.

::sniff:: thanks a lot. I quote again:

a perverse man stirs up dissension, and a gossip separates close friends -Proverbs 16:28