I let you mess with my head

I’m listening to Gabby Bernstein because people are fucking assholes. I want to rant about Libras and Capricorns. You already know how I feel about Aries. But Libras and Capricorns THINK they are nice, but they can be mean. I have never met a Libra I would consider nice. They are smart and look down on people not as smart as they think they are. They are full of sarcasm. I hate that. Condescending BS.

You know what? These fucking people aren’t worth my time. Obviously. Right? I had a good day on Friday and a decent, productive day today. FUCK THEM!

I always remember who starts things. Always. I DIDN’T DO SHIT TO YOU.


I have two live (as in on video) tarot readings to do. Yes, I’m scared shitless. And I feel like these people are pulling me away from FOCUSING. I kind of tested myself and I feel decent. One reading is tomorrow (Sunday) and the other is Tuesday. I’ve got this.

Paypal Credit can suck it too! I’m not paying them this month. I don’t have the money. I was going to pay them $30 or $60, but that doesn’t cover the minimum. My therapist would congratulate me on not paying. LOL! I will pay them eventually. I hope it is within 3 months. Ideally, it would be within 2 months, but I don’t know. I will work out some monthly plan. I won’t die…hopefully. I know they won’t die. But I don’t want to get more than 3 months behind.

I have shit to do. That should be my new motto. I’m ignoring (starting right now) certain people on social media. That sounds silly, but these people aren’t my friends. We don’t have any other connections. Oh, there is one person in real life getting on my nerves. I wish I could ignore her. Haha. Not possible.

We were never friends. I know that. She definitely knows that. I’m not good enough for her because I have no money. Okay, that was totally WRONG and snarky. I’m not a Libra, no need to act like that. I hope she isn’t vindictive like a Scorpio. I couldn’t take that.

I think Scorpios get a bad rap. Once they do the work on their past hurts, they can be awesome healers. I like their intensity. However, an unhealed Scorpio can be scary.

I needed to vent and rant. Lovely blog. I love my blog. Okay, that’s sarcasm. I love Gabby Berstein and my dog. Marie Forleo is okay too. 😉 I want to say Marie is my business role model, but I keep thinking I’m not like her. She’s an extrovert. She helps people start businesses. She can talk. etc.

Election 2020: I’m kind of sad that Beto dropped out of the race. I didn’t like that he called Elizabeth Warren ‘punitive’. He is too moderate for me, but I liked him on the debate stage. So freaking bummed that Castro won’t be on the debate stage on November 20th. And then there is Bloomberg. Whatever. Next.

This week I…

Music of the week: Miranda Lambert, Natasha Bedingfield, H.E.R, Ariana Grande, Lauren Daigle, Alessia Cara, Backstreet Boys, Beyonce

TV of the week:  Survivor, The Devil Next Door

Podcasts of the week: So You Wanna Be a Witch, Crimelines

Books of the week: I’m rereading  Everything is Figureoutable by Marie Forleo. I’m also rereading Super Attractor: Manifesting a Life Beyond Your Wildest Dreams by Gabby Bernstein. At first, I wasn’t crazy about Super Attractor. Now I can’t get enough. I’ve probably read it three times. I will probably read it 10 more times before the year is over. Who needs new books?

I need to finish Letting Go by David Hawkins. It’s about surrendering negative feelings. Think I need to do that. 😉

Weekend Plans: My therapist is nuts. She wants me to walk my dog twice a day for an hour. I don’t do the cold. I don’t leave my house when it’s cold. I hibernate. But you know what? I’m going to do it. I will walk him right after lunch and right after work. Did I mention that I hate the cold? I sort of hoping it rains on some days just so I have an excuse not to walk.

Tomorrow I’m taking my dog to the park in the morning. I’m really doing it because I want to get my mind off doing the video tarot reading. If I stayed in, I would probably drive myself crazy.

I hope I can get of my mind, tune in and give a good tarot reading tomorrow.

Day 2 in LA – Gabby & angry girl

Gabby signed one of my books.

This is why I went to LA. I went there to see Gabby Bernstein in the flesh. I also wanted her to sign my book (see above – she did!!)

If you read part one of day 2, then you know I got into bed around 1PM. HUGE mistake. Gabby’s event started at 4. I was supposed to be in a car at 2:00. Guess who fell asleep while watching the news? AHH! I woke up at 2:50 PM. I woke up and immediately freaked out. At first, I thought I had missed the whole event! I calmed down a little when I realized I still had time to get there, but I was still panicking.  I wanted to take a shower, but I had no time. I brushed my teeth and went downstairs and waited for a Lyft.

Thank god the church wasn’t that far from my hotel. I wanted a good seat! I was so bummed to get there around 3:20. I had to sit in the back which didn’t affect my experience at all. I was just scared there was going to be a balcony in the church. There wasn’t. Thank the universe because if there were, I probably would have had to sit up there. I planned to sit in the front near the microphone so I could ask a question. But I still got to ask Gabby a question. *Spoiler alert* 🙂

I got into the line. It moved quickly. There weren’t that many VIPs at the event which shocked me. I was a VIP. The woman who stamped my hand said I was her first VIP. Then I went to someone else and got my 4 copies of Gabby’s book: Judgement Detox.

Random add: The event sold out. There were 1,300 people in the building!

I don’t know what to say about Gabby. She was ON. She is always great. I love how she said something about realizing speaking is her art. DUH. I knew that when I first heard her talk in 2016. She is one of the best inspirational speakers I can relate to. Most of the things she talked about, I already knew because I was 85% through her new book. Another shocking thing is that most people in the audience hadn’t read the book!! WTF? I thought these were crazed spirit junkies like me?? Nope.

So she spoke. She was great. And then she said, “I want to hear from you.” I walked really fast towards the stage. I didn’t know for sure I was going to attempt to ask a question until I got into the church. There were two microphones. I was 4th or 5th in line. I was getting nervous because I knew I wouldn’t be able to get my Story out. There wouldn’t be enough time. I had written something down the day before. Thank god I had, or I don’t know what I would have said. Lol.

She’s answering questions. I’m not nervous. If anything, I’m anxious to talk to Gabby. When is it going to be my turn? 😉 Time was running out. Gabby told us to just say, “My question is…” so we could hurry it up. Oh no! How could I turn what I had written down to a quick question? Impossible. I had to get my Story out. I put my notebook away and tried to come up with various things to say.

Eventually, it was my turn. AHHHHHHH! I said something like, “My question is…I’m angry at everyone.” (don’t laugh) Gabby sort of made a joke of it by asking the audience who else is angry at everyone? People raised their hands. Gabby told me I wasn’t alone. Then the crux of my story came out. I said, “I haven’t had a friend since I was 12. I was bullied and teased”. Um, that wasn’t my point, but there was no time to get to it.

So a woman named M yelled out, “I’ll be your friend.” Okay. Gabby tells this person to come up to the mic with me. M comes up and hugs me. Wow. I’m not used to getting hugs. I can’t remember the last time I was hugged. Then Gabby asks me what my name is. I can’t remember exactly the order of what Gabby said. But here’s the gist:

You know why I started speaking? It was to have spiritual friends. I wanted to create a spiritual community. This moment, you and you, this is why I started this work. Thank you so for showing it to me now. (Gabby is tearing up because I’m crying). What inspires me most is this moment right here. You have friends in this room. You came to the right place. You came to heal that Story. You showing up here saying I want to heal this Story is what created this moment now. You get that? Because when you ask, it is given. So I’m going to ask anyone else who feels calls to, to give your number to our sister here (insert my name). We are your friends.

I said, “thank you” and started heading back with M beside me. Then Gabby starts saying excitedly “Oh they are going to get numbers”! I think she said again, “This is why I do what I do.”

SPOILER ALERT (for real this time). I didn’t contact M. I have her number in my phone. I will explain later as to why I didn’t contact her or the other 4-5 people that I put in my phone. I do feel like I let Gabby down a little because she was so excited about this is why I do this, and then I didn’t follow through. But I have a reason for that.

Anyway, she answered questions for about 10 more minutes and then she closed with a meditation. After that, the few VIPs got our books signed first. I was 5th in line. Gabby said my name when she saw me and then she said: “I love you, (insert my name).” She touched my arm. I felt like I was in a dream. I remember everything she said or did, but I don’t remember what I said or did at the book signing. I just know it was quick. I hope I reacted adequately to her saying that and touching my arm! I don’t remember.

She signed my book, and a worker or volunteer took a pic of us with my phone. I will never share the photo with me in it because I think I look like crap.

Then I went outside to wait for my Lyft. I was standing there waiting, and these two girls were talking about me! Gasp! One girl called me “the angry girl” and her friend agreed with whatever she was saying. I was too scared to listen more. Didn’t they know I was right behind them? No, they didn’t because the cameras were focused on Gabby, not the people asking the questions. So only the people in the front few rows had any idea of how I looked.

I would say I thought it was ironic, but I don’t have that high of an opinion of people. It was funny that they were at a Judgement Detox talk and then they were judging me! Whatever. I guess I’m the “angry girl” now.

Okay so here’s the deal:

I DON’T WANT FRIENDS right now. Social people cannot grasp that. I mentioned I didn’t have friends because it was part of the Story. I wanted an answer about spirituality and being isolated, I guess. I wanted to say, “I do A Course in Miracles. I follow you (Gabby). But I’m spiritually stuck. Do you think it is because I don’t have friends?” Something like that. But I didn’t get the part about being spiritually stuck out. Once I said I hadn’t had a friend since I was 12, Gabby focused on that. And I 100% understand that. It wasn’t anyone’s fault. If I were first to ask a question, I would have probably just read what I wrote, and things might have gone differently.

I appreciate what Gabby said so much. I’m so shocked she was moved to tears over my Story. I didn’t contact anyone because I know I would be a shitty friend right now. I don’t have the energy to be a good friend. I don’t believe in the ‘I’m doing the best I can’ stuff that parents say. That’s why I don’t have kids because if I’m going to do it, I’m going to be GREAT. If I can’t be great, then I don’t want to do it.

M might have been a great friend. But could I be a great friend to her? Or would I have been annoyed at her texts? I hate chit chat. I hate texting. If I meet someone, it is probably going to be at a yoga studio or somewhere spiritual AT THE RIGHT TIME. This is not a good time for me to make NEW friends. If I had friends, maybe I could lean on them right now. But new people??! No.

So that is why I didn’t contact anyone. Well, one person got my number. She texted me that night, and I waited until the next morning to text her back. I guess that wasn’t good enough because I never heard from her again even though she has friends in my hometown. To be honest, I was relieved. I just can’t do the friends thing RIGHT NOW.

And another thing: I don’t have social skills. Try not having friends for a couple of decades. You might lose your social skills too. Oh, that’s right, I never had social skills.

So, thank you Gabby for being so nice and beautiful to me. I’m sorry I didn’t follow through. I’m still living in my Story. One day I’ll be at Kripalu with you, and I’ll explain everything. 😉 I love you too. I’m sorry if I didn’t say it back to you. I flew 3,000 miles to hear you speak so of course, I love you. Thank you.

To anyone still reading this: Thanks!! I had to get all this out. One day I will expand on this “no friends” thing later.

I flew home the next day. I was so relieved to finally get home. LA, I will probably never be back. There are so many places I want to go so why go back to a place I didn’t love? But thanks for everything.

Courageous me??!

I got up in front of 1,300 people and told a part of my story. I spoke to Gabby in front of 1,300 people (!!) plus 1,000 people online. It was amazing! I never spoke using a microphone before. It was like it was just her and me. I didn’t even consider the audience. How can a person with “severe social anxiety” get up in front of a crowd like that and not even be scared?

I will tell more of this story later when I talk about what happened in LA. I just can’t believe I did that. And Gabby touched me at the book signing and said, “I love you (insert my name)” What you did was so brave”. Yes, she remembered my name from earlier while signing my book. Btw, Gabby doesn’t really talk at book signings. She has thousands of books to sign so she just signs books.

I did get a pic with Gabby. But I’m not posting it anywhere. I look horrible. Gabby looks great, of course. 🙂

More later.