Can’t control my mind

I started uploading my course to Thinkrific. It looks so good. Okay, I haven’t uploaded anything major, but I sort of,  kinda have a course! 😉 Thinkrific doesn’t have the best layout, and I hate that I have to advertise on my own (what a concept!), but I think I’m sticking with them since my course is just a small course.

I think I’m going to look for 5 to 10 volunteers to take the course for free. I need feedback. I am working overtime on Labor Day, but I’m off this weekend. So I should have a lot of time to work on this course.

I have to correct myself. I said I was at my job for 14 years. Nope. My 13-year anniversary was this week. I can never keep up with time.

Can I rant a little? Just a tiny rant? I’m so sick of these Positive Pollys. Lol. I’m thinking of a few people in particular, but I won’t name names. Everything is your fault if your life sucks. Oh, do you have options? Because some people have nothing to fall back on. NO ONE in my family has money. My dad is doing okay since he has veteran benefits and has retired and my uncle was doing fine (middle class) before he died from colon cancer. My mom is broke because she gave up EVERYTHING to take care of her sick mother. I’m broke. Yes, I work full-time, and due to mental health issues and other things I will never get into, I’m officially broke. I can’t rely on anyone. I can’t borrow money from anyone.

I’m just sick of people with resources whether it be a spouse, good looks, good genes, or parents, telling other people with no resources what to do. Just shut the fuck up! You don’t know what you’re talking about and that is why people call you privileged. (Not talking about white privilege, btw). But you don’t seem to get it. I’m sick of people saying, all I had to do was ask my parents for money, but I felt bad. WTF??! You have resources. Go use them and STFU. These people have no clue what it’s like to come from NOTHING. No clue. Leave us alone and stop trying to give us advice. We are looking at you like, “Uh, you’re clueless.” It’s all bullshit.

I don’t fit into your Positive Polly narrative, so you just leave it out, right?

/end rant

If I were to really unload on how my future is looking…wow. It looks pretty bad. Allow me to state the truth. Yes, I’m working on things because I have to. I don’t have a partner or good job prospects. I have physical and mental health issues (that will get worse – especially the physical stuff). I don’t have a rich mommy or daddy. All I have is myself. I don’t mean to keep ranting. 🙂 I just want to mention that the future looks bleak, but I do have a little Positive Polly in me, and that is how I keep pushing.

Sometimes when I wake up in the morning, I wonder why I bother. It only lasts for less than 5% of my day. Thank the Universe. However, I’m worried that everything will get worse and that 5% will turn to 25%.

I just wish people would get it. Not the Positive Pollys I mentioned above, but people like my mentor. I’ve told you I’m in debt. Why do you think I have money?? Do I have to really break it down for you? You ask, and I’ll tell you everything, but you won’t ask. Better for you to believe life is fair.

Oh, screw it. Who cares. They never will get it. They don’t have to get it. Lucky them. They claim to understand shit, but they aren’t deep.

So there it is….part of my truth because I won’t reveal all my physical health issues.

This week I…

Music of the week (my top 8 most listened to): Ariana Grande, Mariah Carey, Miranda Lambert, Lissie, First Aid Kit, Jason Mraz, Tori Kelly, Shania Twain

TV of the week:  Big Brother, Nashville

I need a serious intervention. I’ve been watching police interrogations on YouTube. The ones from Canada are the best. Well, the ones from Canada are great because I know the least about the cases. I keep up with American crimes.

Movie of the week: none

Podcasts of the week: Fresh Air, True Crime Garage, The Lively Show, A Course In Miracles, Serial Killers

Books of the week: Now reading –

Plans for the weekend: This is grocery shopping weekend. I’ve recorded 6 YouTube videos so far. I have 6 more to go. I plan to have them uploaded to YT by Saturday afternoon. My dog appears in one of the videos so if you have the link, look for him.  I’m working on Labor Day for half a day. Working and creating content is what I’ll be doing this weekend. I hope to make a significant dent when it comes to my course.

Have a great weekend! Thanks for reading. 🙂

Unglamorous

Just when I thought I knew it all…Is this what it feels like to be normal?

Prior to the occurrence of a traumatic event or events, there are generally certain basics assumptions that guide your life. You probably believe that the world is kind, that there is meaning to your life, and that things make sense. You believe that you are good and worthy of having good things happen to you. Then trauma strikes. You’re vulnerable and your world is no longer safe and secure. Furthermore, you can’t make sense of what is left over. The meaning of life that was present just a short time before is gone. Life is no longer fair and just.

from The PTSD Workbook: Simple, Effective Techniques for Overcoming Traumatic Stress Symptoms

Um, WOW! Is that what I’m missing? There are people out there who believe life is fair????!!!! Um, my definition is probably different than what that means. I take everything way too literal. Anyhow, what if you never had the good life? Or if you can’t remember it? What then? I’m flawed for life! (dramatic? nope).

Hmm, it makes a lot of sense. It sort of goes back to what I posted about faith in my last entry. If security is foreign to you, how do you develop faith? I’m just thinking out loud.

I don’t have PTSD according to the DSM but I do have almost all of the symptoms (I don’t experience hallucinations).

  • You make a great effort to avoid thoughts, feelings, or conversations associated with the trauma, or to avoid activities, places, or people that would cause you to remember the trauma. (check – avoid human interaction).

    You feel detached or participation or estranged from others. (no shit!)

    Your ability to feel emotions is restricted, as is your range of emotions. (ditto)

    You have a sense of a foreshortened future – you can’t see ahead into a far-off future (e.g., you don’t expect to have a career, marriage, children, or a normal life span).**************

  • **Funny I have felt this sense I was at least 10 years old (and still do today). I have never heard or seen it as a symptom of anything. Weird. The marriage and kids are not for me…especially kids but those are just examples of what most people see in a future.

    I’m freaked out. Anyhow, maybe this book about PTSD will be helpful to someone else experiencing these symptoms. I’m not going to delve into this book now since I own it (via paperbackkswap.com). I have three books from the library that I have to read. I was bored last night and this was the closet book to me so I just read the first chapter.

    I should rename this blog “passages” because that is all I’m posting these days.