All they ever do is let me down

Back to work today. :/ I did 30% of what I was supposed to accomplish on the new system.  But it was only officially day 1. Maybe tomorrow will be better.  I’m not counting on it, though. I think it will take me a while to get used to the system. I have about 3 months to get used to it. That’s a lot to ask, but that’s what they are asking. I think I said before that it took me 3 YEARS to get used to the old system and I wasn’t fast until year 4 or 5. Sigh.

I lowered my free practice tarot readings to three a week. That feels so good right now. I have ZERO readings to do at this moment. That will change when I get assigned one tomorrow. Since I’m only doing a few a week, I think I will have a 24-hour turn around time. It used to take me 2 days before I finished a reading. We have 7 days to complete a reading. Some people are shocked when we get back to them so quickly.

I don’t think my mentor and I will be friends. Acquaintances for a while? Yes. In case she is reading this, (95% sure she is not), it’s not you, it’s me. Or maybe it is you? You don’t want to be friends with me, do ya? No, right? Lots of questions with no answers. Seriously, I’m not meant to have friends. This isn’t a self-pitying statement. It’s the truth! No friends for me. I’ve been fine for decades like this so why try now?

Short entry. I’m going to work on my astrology course for 30 minutes, then get in the bed and read while watching The Bachelorette finale. I don’t know if I’ll ever watch the show again. Probably not. But I’m glad I caught it for the first time this year. So late. I know.

Day 2 in LA – Gabby & angry girl

Gabby signed one of my books.

This is why I went to LA. I went there to see Gabby Bernstein in the flesh. I also wanted her to sign my book (see above – she did!!)

If you read part one of day 2, then you know I got into bed around 1PM. HUGE mistake. Gabby’s event started at 4. I was supposed to be in a car at 2:00. Guess who fell asleep while watching the news? AHH! I woke up at 2:50 PM. I woke up and immediately freaked out. At first, I thought I had missed the whole event! I calmed down a little when I realized I still had time to get there, but I was still panicking.  I wanted to take a shower, but I had no time. I brushed my teeth and went downstairs and waited for a Lyft.

Thank god the church wasn’t that far from my hotel. I wanted a good seat! I was so bummed to get there around 3:20. I had to sit in the back which didn’t affect my experience at all. I was just scared there was going to be a balcony in the church. There wasn’t. Thank the universe because if there were, I probably would have had to sit up there. I planned to sit in the front near the microphone so I could ask a question. But I still got to ask Gabby a question. *Spoiler alert* 🙂

I got into the line. It moved quickly. There weren’t that many VIPs at the event which shocked me. I was a VIP. The woman who stamped my hand said I was her first VIP. Then I went to someone else and got my 4 copies of Gabby’s book: Judgement Detox.

Random add: The event sold out. There were 1,300 people in the building!

I don’t know what to say about Gabby. She was ON. She is always great. I love how she said something about realizing speaking is her art. DUH. I knew that when I first heard her talk in 2016. She is one of the best inspirational speakers I can relate to. Most of the things she talked about, I already knew because I was 85% through her new book. Another shocking thing is that most people in the audience hadn’t read the book!! WTF? I thought these were crazed spirit junkies like me?? Nope.

So she spoke. She was great. And then she said, “I want to hear from you.” I walked really fast towards the stage. I didn’t know for sure I was going to attempt to ask a question until I got into the church. There were two microphones. I was 4th or 5th in line. I was getting nervous because I knew I wouldn’t be able to get my Story out. There wouldn’t be enough time. I had written something down the day before. Thank god I had, or I don’t know what I would have said. Lol.

She’s answering questions. I’m not nervous. If anything, I’m anxious to talk to Gabby. When is it going to be my turn? 😉 Time was running out. Gabby told us to just say, “My question is…” so we could hurry it up. Oh no! How could I turn what I had written down to a quick question? Impossible. I had to get my Story out. I put my notebook away and tried to come up with various things to say.

Eventually, it was my turn. AHHHHHHH! I said something like, “My question is…I’m angry at everyone.” (don’t laugh) Gabby sort of made a joke of it by asking the audience who else is angry at everyone? People raised their hands. Gabby told me I wasn’t alone. Then the crux of my story came out. I said, “I haven’t had a friend since I was 12. I was bullied and teased”. Um, that wasn’t my point, but there was no time to get to it.

So a woman named M yelled out, “I’ll be your friend.” Okay. Gabby tells this person to come up to the mic with me. M comes up and hugs me. Wow. I’m not used to getting hugs. I can’t remember the last time I was hugged. Then Gabby asks me what my name is. I can’t remember exactly the order of what Gabby said. But here’s the gist:

You know why I started speaking? It was to have spiritual friends. I wanted to create a spiritual community. This moment, you and you, this is why I started this work. Thank you so for showing it to me now. (Gabby is tearing up because I’m crying). What inspires me most is this moment right here. You have friends in this room. You came to the right place. You came to heal that Story. You showing up here saying I want to heal this Story is what created this moment now. You get that? Because when you ask, it is given. So I’m going to ask anyone else who feels calls to, to give your number to our sister here (insert my name). We are your friends.

I said, “thank you” and started heading back with M beside me. Then Gabby starts saying excitedly “Oh they are going to get numbers”! I think she said again, “This is why I do what I do.”

SPOILER ALERT (for real this time). I didn’t contact M. I have her number in my phone. I will explain later as to why I didn’t contact her or the other 4-5 people that I put in my phone. I do feel like I let Gabby down a little because she was so excited about this is why I do this, and then I didn’t follow through. But I have a reason for that.

Anyway, she answered questions for about 10 more minutes and then she closed with a meditation. After that, the few VIPs got our books signed first. I was 5th in line. Gabby said my name when she saw me and then she said: “I love you, (insert my name).” She touched my arm. I felt like I was in a dream. I remember everything she said or did, but I don’t remember what I said or did at the book signing. I just know it was quick. I hope I reacted adequately to her saying that and touching my arm! I don’t remember.

She signed my book, and a worker or volunteer took a pic of us with my phone. I will never share the photo with me in it because I think I look like crap.

Then I went outside to wait for my Lyft. I was standing there waiting, and these two girls were talking about me! Gasp! One girl called me “the angry girl” and her friend agreed with whatever she was saying. I was too scared to listen more. Didn’t they know I was right behind them? No, they didn’t because the cameras were focused on Gabby, not the people asking the questions. So only the people in the front few rows had any idea of how I looked.

I would say I thought it was ironic, but I don’t have that high of an opinion of people. It was funny that they were at a Judgement Detox talk and then they were judging me! Whatever. I guess I’m the “angry girl” now.

Okay so here’s the deal:

I DON’T WANT FRIENDS right now. Social people cannot grasp that. I mentioned I didn’t have friends because it was part of the Story. I wanted an answer about spirituality and being isolated, I guess. I wanted to say, “I do A Course in Miracles. I follow you (Gabby). But I’m spiritually stuck. Do you think it is because I don’t have friends?” Something like that. But I didn’t get the part about being spiritually stuck out. Once I said I hadn’t had a friend since I was 12, Gabby focused on that. And I 100% understand that. It wasn’t anyone’s fault. If I were first to ask a question, I would have probably just read what I wrote, and things might have gone differently.

I appreciate what Gabby said so much. I’m so shocked she was moved to tears over my Story. I didn’t contact anyone because I know I would be a shitty friend right now. I don’t have the energy to be a good friend. I don’t believe in the ‘I’m doing the best I can’ stuff that parents say. That’s why I don’t have kids because if I’m going to do it, I’m going to be GREAT. If I can’t be great, then I don’t want to do it.

M might have been a great friend. But could I be a great friend to her? Or would I have been annoyed at her texts? I hate chit chat. I hate texting. If I meet someone, it is probably going to be at a yoga studio or somewhere spiritual AT THE RIGHT TIME. This is not a good time for me to make NEW friends. If I had friends, maybe I could lean on them right now. But new people??! No.

So that is why I didn’t contact anyone. Well, one person got my number. She texted me that night, and I waited until the next morning to text her back. I guess that wasn’t good enough because I never heard from her again even though she has friends in my hometown. To be honest, I was relieved. I just can’t do the friends thing RIGHT NOW.

And another thing: I don’t have social skills. Try not having friends for a couple of decades. You might lose your social skills too. Oh, that’s right, I never had social skills.

So, thank you Gabby for being so nice and beautiful to me. I’m sorry I didn’t follow through. I’m still living in my Story. One day I’ll be at Kripalu with you, and I’ll explain everything. 😉 I love you too. I’m sorry if I didn’t say it back to you. I flew 3,000 miles to hear you speak so of course, I love you. Thank you.

To anyone still reading this: Thanks!! I had to get all this out. One day I will expand on this “no friends” thing later.

I flew home the next day. I was so relieved to finally get home. LA, I will probably never be back. There are so many places I want to go so why go back to a place I didn’t love? But thanks for everything.

I’m a toy that people enjoy

*******BREAKING NEWS******** Oh my fucking god! I passed the test!!! How the fuck? OMG. I passed. I needed a 70. I made a 73. WTF? I passed? OMG. I’m screaming right now. *&#^*


They are currently grading my exam. I might find out my results tomorrow. Or I may have to wait until Monday.  I think that’s what happened last time. I had to wait over the weekend. Fun times. I will probably put a breaking news update at the top of this entry IF I pass. lol. If I fail, I will be too despondent. I honestly don’t know how I will feel if I fail. I don’t think I will be depressed because I’m kind of expecting it.

Depo-Provera update: Well, I think it is slowly working. Overall, I’m not sure I would recommend Depo. Okay, I wouldn’t. It only worked for me because I work at home and don’t go out a lot. Depo would have destroyed my life if I had to go out a lot. I know that sounds dramatic, but that is how bad (heavy) my periods were.

I shouldn’t say were because I still get heavy periods from time to time, but it is not as bad as it used to be 5 weeks after I started the Depo. I’m getting my 3rd injection next month. I hope by then my period is completely gone. I didn’t gain weight from it or get depressed or crazy mood swings. Those were the things I was most afraid of. I had no idea heavy periods were even a side effect!

I wish I had an IUD inserted, but I didn’t want to deal with all that. But it would be nice not to have to go get an injection every 3 months.

It looks like I’m going to a Jehovah Witness Bible study on July 15. In case anyone is new, I’m agnostic. I used to consider myself an atheist, but I’m not one anymore. I don’t even know much about the JW religion even though M has been coming to my house for over a year. lol. Recently I’ve rarely seen her because I’m usually out on Saturdays.

About a month ago, she came to my house during a weekday while I was working! I was soo pissed. (not very spiritual). Don’t mess with my work or my sleep. 😉 I know she could tell I wasn’t thrilled she interrupted my work. I thought I would never see her again, but she came by this past weekend to invite me to Bible study so unless something comes up, I’m going. Since it is a Saturday, I don’t see anything coming up.

I like learning about other religions. I used to study religions for fun while I was growing up. I’m not excited about the Bible study, but it’ll only last 30 minutes. I’m open minded, and I probably need to get out more. I just go grocery shopping and to doctors these days.

I always say I don’t have friends, but I guess M could be a friend. I’m not into the whole friends thing, but intellectually and spiritually I know I can’t be isolated.

This week I…

Music of the week: Lorde, Halsey, Ellie Goulding, Shakira, Ed Sheeran, Little Mix, Alicia Keys, Ariana Grande

Lorde is freaking fantastic. I never knew that until now. Anyone can do ONE good album. But her sophomore album is possibly better than her debut.

TV of the week: Bloodline, NBA Draft

Direct TV Now made my life a little bit easier, and I’m so thankful because I was stressing out about the service. They noticed that I wasn’t using it during the free trial week so they sent me an email with a FREE 30 days. Yay! I’m planning on canceling it before the trial is over because of the lack of DVR service, and I don’t want to pay $50 a month. I do plan on signing up for Hulu TV Live by October. Why October? That’s when the NBA season starts.

If Direct TV Now, comes up with a DVR service (without raising the price) within the next two weeks, I will consider keeping the service. I know they are thinking about it and probably planning it. I doubt they add it in two weeks. I wish they would.

Movie of the week: I swear I’m going to finish Me Before You this weekend.

Books of the week: I finished reading The Rules Do Not Apply by Ariel Levy. It was an okay read. I gave it 4 stars on Goodreads which is better than okay. The more I think about it the more average it was.  I don’t know who I would recommend it to. Maybe people who love memoirs?

Now reading:

I don’t know if I’m going to finish the Manson Murders book. It is so long, and I don’t think I have enough time. As of right now, I’m going to try to finish it. Haven’t given up yet. I put too many books on hold at the library.

Planner update: Plans of the week in my Erin Condren


Plans for the Weekend: I’m going grocery shopping at two stores in my borrowed maxi dress from LeTote. lol. I don’t like grocery shopping so anything I can do to amp myself up, I do it. I had a 5-month break from LeTote because I don’t go out much in the winter. But now I’m back.

Thanks to all the people who have used my Lyon + Post referral link! I can’t thank you enough. I was able to order two blouses this week with the money from the link. 🙂

Even if I don’t pass the test, I probably won’t study this weekend. I will come up with a study plan though. I plan to read “for fun” this weekend. I really want to make a dent in Helter Skelter. I have never even seen the movie.

Thanks for reading. May you have a great weekend! 🙂

I don’t need friends to be happy

That was the name of a song I made up when I was 8 years old! I don’t remember all the lyrics but the chorus was:

I don’t need friends to be happy

I don’t need friends to be happy

I don’t need friends to be happy

LOL. I used to sing it to myself  during ‘playtime’ when I was on the swings. No one was around me so no need to feel self conscious about singing it.

This all comes back to the dog, of course. Sam Smith (singer) said that people told him to get a dog so he wouldn’t feel lonely while living alone in his flat. He ended up not keeping the dog when he realized that the dog was a pain in the ass and that HE WAS NOT THAT LONELY. Well that applies to me too. Of course I already know this. I’ve lived alone most of my adult life. I’ve NEVER been lonely. Never wanted someone to come home to….not even a pet.

Unlike Sam, I’m an animal lover so I’m not looking to give my pain in the ass dog away but he is testing me. When I heard Sam say that, I could relate so much.  It made me laugh hysterically….especially since I just got a new dog! Everyone doesn’t need someone in their house. I’m so territorial, I’m surprised I can even tolerate pets.

That is my childhood story. I knew at a very young age that people suck I don’t need people up my ass. hahaha.


For International Gift Exchange Day, I got the best thing evah! Knitter’s Pride Deluxe Interchangeable Long Tip Needles!! I used them for the first time last night. They are soooo smooth. I love them. The needles are wooden and very colorful.  There are so many parts in the kit. I’m worried about losing something since I lose everything.

I’m unexpectedly off today. I finally get a chance to study and work on my practicum. Tomorrow I’m going to spin class. And that is all I have planned for the weekend. Have to get some cleaning in since I have the time.

Speaking of spin/going to the gym. I lost 2 pounds and have kept it off for three weeks….so that’s official! 😉  That probably seems like nothing but losing weight is hard.  I just want to get down to 135. I think it will be easier during the spring and summer. I have less than 8 lbs to lose. I can do this.



Music for the week: Mary J. Blige,  D’Angelo, Sam Smith, Ani DiFranco, Jason Mraz, Jessie J, Ariana Grande, Lea Michele

My top 20 albums of 2014 will be coming soon.

TV for the week: Pretty Little Liars, NBA basketball

Movie of the week:  I watched Stephen King’s Carrie.  Next I’ll watch the 1999 version. I saw that one in the theater. I remember really liking it. I haven’t seen it in over a decade.

Book of the week: Coming Clean: A Memoir by Kimberly Rae Miller

Knitting projects of the week:  No pics this week. My mom loved the cowl I made so much (pic in my last entry) that she wants me to make a bunch for next year’s Xmas presents! Of course anxiety steps in when I hear her say that cause the one I did make had mistakes. But if she is willing to buy most of the yarn, I’m willing to make a few cowls. I love making cowls, I just don’t need 15 of them for myself.

I’m working on my afghan, scarf and a lace project. The sweater is driving me nuts. I’ve ripped it out at least 3 times. I hate that yarn. It splits too easily. Sigh. I don’t know what’s going on with that.

Craftsy is having a supplies sale. It isn’t good as their Black Friday sale. I checked. But it is still awesome. I brought 3 hanks of yarn. I so can’t afford to keep doing this!!! Someone slap me. (I’m sure there are plenty of volunteers for that).  See below for links on the sale:

4 Days Only — ShopCraftsy’s Year-End Clearance Sale(sponsored post)Is your new year’s resolution to start a new craft project? Well you can get a jump start right now if you Shop Craftsy’s Year-End Clearance Sale! Starting Saturday 12/27, you can get up to 65% off ALL yarn, fabric and kits. Stock up while supplies last! Offer expires at midnight on December 30th, 2014 at 11:59 PM MT.Shop Craftsy’s Year-End Clearance Sale
Yarn – Craftsy’s Year-End Clearance Sale
Fabric – Craftsy’s Year-End Clearance Sale
Sewing Kits – Craftsy’s Year-End Clearance Sale



I went to a yoga beginner’s class after work. YES! That is where I should be. It was so awesome even though I messed up a few times. I’m not good at following verbal directions. And my scoliosis definitely affects one yoga pose. I can’t even do it in a beginner’s class. I don’t even know the name of the pose. I just know that everyone else can do it in every class I’ve been in. Btw, my favorite pose is child pose. 😉 I could do that for an hour.

Too bad I’m not a member of that gym. I brought the classes for really cheap from Groupon. I think I have 18 classes OR 6 weeks left. I wish they would let me use all my 18 classes at my pace. There is no way I’m doing 18 classes in 6 weeks. If the gym weren’t so far away, I might set that as a goal. But I’m only going there once a week.

Back to this awesome class: I’m so glad it is on Mondays at a good time. A perfect way to start the week. I do plan to go back on next Monday. (and all Mondays until my ‘membership’ expires). I’m so glad I’m comfortable enough with a class to want to go back. Now if I could only find a beginner’s pilates class..Anyhow, I’m starting to get some of the poses down. That is what I need before I jump into regular yoga.

I love that gym. Me want one near me. But…it is really not financially smart to join any gym when I have access to a free gym at work. (The gym at work doesn’t offer yoga or pilates though).


I mentioned that I would be during the Happiness Project during 2012. I’m on page 107 of the book and I’ve decided it is not for me. It is a great idea/book/website. It just isn’t where I am now. Instead of having a goal for each month, I need to focus on the basics. I can’t do it that way.

Anyhow, I’m currently working on health/diet. These are the things I need to focus on:

1. health/diet/learning to cook

2. saving money for a down payment on a house

3. Paying off debt (kind of contradicts #2)

4. Selling my house (the horror – I hate the thought of this. This also costs money. contradicts #2 and 3).

5. Getting organized (much easier since I no longer live at my cluttered house).

6. Make friends or a friend. STOP THE M$%##F$%%^ PRESS!

Okay, so all the research says you have to have friends. HAVE TO. So like, maybe I’ll like totally try the friend thing??!

I don’t think it is possible. That’s the attitude! I’ve been thinking about it a lot over the weekend. I like staying at home except when I’m traveling. I don’t want to go anywhere with anyone. I like reading, listening to music, keeping up with politics, nature and watching sports. All of those things I can do alone. I don’t see how friends or a friend would fit into my life. It would have to happen naturally. The only thing I know for sure is that I need someone with SOME of my interests. I’ve learned that through experiences with coworkers.

I can’t do the friend thing in a month hence the passing on the happiness project. That may not even happen in 2012. And I’m the luckiest girl in the world if I can get someone to buy my house in 2012. PLEASE let that happen. How else am I going to save money??

I’m going to open a special down payment savings account this week. I have an ER fund. There isn’t much in there but it exists. I have decided to use my other savings for college expenses. (only two more classes left but one is $740!). I need to pay off debt so I can get a better deal on a mortgage. The ‘new’ car doesn’t help me at all. It is more debt. 😦 I love my car but I wasn’t thinking of it in terms of a house. Not that I thought about much at all. FUCK.

Sorry. Story of my life. The above is the closest you’ll see as far as “new year’s resolutions” go. I don’t do those.

what about your friends?

I worked 10 hours today. No overtime. I have the “too tired to sleep” feeling.

I cannot believe what is happening. Well, yes I can. I think my window AC is on the outs. And guess what? This weekend will be the hottest weekend of the summer. 105 degrees, not counting humidity. I don’t live in Arizona. There is no such thing as dry heat here. This is east coast hot. This can’t be happening. I find it strange that every time I leave (concert vacation and I house sat for my mom recently) the noise gets worse. I’m not blaming anyone…but if people shot guns for fun in your neighborhood, you might be suspicious too. Did I ever mention the guy staring into my window? My blinds were shut. It was daytime so he couldn’t see inside. I think he was just mocking me. He sat as close as he could without being on my property. But I digress…ugh, please don’t go out. AC wahhhhhhhhhhhhh

I have finals this week. I’m sooo not ready. wahhhhhhhh. woe is me. I have an “A” average in both classes, I cannot fuck up on the final. I just lost my motivation somewhere…

I’ve always had trouble making friends, probably because I am so different, and I thought it would get better as I got older because people usually mature with age (or so my naive, 14-year-old self once believed). To my disappointment, it has only gotten worse. No one wants to share anything with you unless you’re their husband/wife, girlfriend/boyfriend, or otherwise fuck buddy. It’s like I’m unimportant because I’m not interested in sex. I feel like many people treat me as a second-class homosapien, a creature of lesser humanity. Because, after all, from what people have said to me, humans are sexual beings. And if I’m not sexual, what does that make me?

This subject distresses me because I really desire close, nonromantic, nonsexual relationships with even one individual. But that’s extremely rare in this society, if it exists at all. So I’ve somewhat accepted that my life will probably be spent in solitude, with no one to love me for who I am without wanting to touch me in certain ways or stick their cock inside me.

Yeah I know it is wrong to post quotes off message boards. If it were in a blog, I would link it. And if I ever start posting there, I won’t do it. You know how someone expresses exactly what you feel? So, why bother typing it out. ROFL. (No, it wouldn’t bother me if someone did that to me – unless they were being mean spirited or somehow knew my real name and posted it with the post).

ANYHOW, the above is how I’ve been feeling lately. But it is true…how many asexual people are out there? And then you would have to click with the person. I don’t feel the need for friends but I have to do something or my therapist will kill me. Friends at work are so out. I just can’t do the office politics. Hate the gossiping etc.

It would be nice to TRY something new. To see how much the rejection hurts. (Presumptive? yes!) The last person I had so much in common with “rejected” me softly and I was out of it for a week so…I’m not sure it is worth it. (This guy was insensitive but we had a lot in common which is rare). But I think I’m up for trying. I don’t know why it has to be a male. Maybe because I haven’t had a male friend since I was 8?? Normally I stay clear of men (sexist!) because of the whole “they only look at females as sexual objects” notion I have in my mind.

I hate being judged. ESPECIALLY AS A SEXUAL BEING….when I’m so not. Men make me nervous. This won’t be the last entry on this. This is just the beginning.

Btw, I normally don’t think about asexuality a lot. It’s not how I identify but then again, I also don’t identify as female or as my ethnicity. I just see myself as a person. That’s it.

people who need people

I got a 2008 version of Frommer’s NYC guide from the library. I was thinking “hmmm, pretty good version” until I saw a mention of TRL. j/k Hee. That seems so long ago. When I really think about it, there isn’t much I want to do in NY. What museums am I missing? I love DC’s museums. Been there, done that. All I want to do is go to Central Park, thrift shops & Barney’s. No buying in Barney’s of course. Secretly (shhh!), I just want to splurge on a really nice hotel…right by central park. Oh well I will still go to Nueva York in mid 2010 but I’m no longer excited. Maybe I’ll get lucky and get tickets to “The Daily Show”.

edited to add: Never mind, I found out about the immigrant museum(s). Dream itinerary coming up!

I wanted to get Frommer guides on San Francisco, Mexico, Brazil etc. But it would only make me envious. Yearn for something that isn’t going to happen in the next 365 days…

I’m done with selling Avon to a certain group* (unless they reach out to me). No more brochures etc. I appreciate their past business. I can’t do Avon with people who don’t get it. How hard is Avon to understand? It has been around for longer than I’ve been alive. It comes every 2 weeks. ugh. blah, blah. So that leaves me with one customer! 🙂 LOL. The good thing is, I will only be spending about $20 a month on Avon and even less starting in January 2010. I wish I didn’t love their products so much or I’d just give it up.

*not naming for anonymity purposes. I doubt any of them have this url
I have to mention work. Crazy shit:

1. D thinks I carry the flu virus! Not H1hn (or whatever the name is, sorry) but the regular flu. She thinks I carry it but I don’t suffer from it. I took biology. I know there are viruses/diseases people can ‘carry’ but don’t have/and or don’t show symptoms. I get it. BUT THE FLU? WTF. To me this is just proof that I’m the black sheep. Anything that goes wrong is put on me aka displacement.

Umm, I’ve been lucky enough not to get a bad cold in two/three years. It is probably due to me having a decent immune system. I used to get mini-flus every single year. Once in the winter, once in the summer. I lived in a college dorm for a year. I’ve probably built up a tolerance by now. It probably helps that I live alone & don’t have kids. However, I’m still surrounded by the sick people @ work.

I think it is really about me NOT being a germaphobe. People who are constantly washing their hands with antibacterial gel aren’t helping the situation. Your body has to get used to germs or you will have no immunity. These days I only use antibacterial gel before I eat because it is convenient. Washing your hands with soap and water is so old school. (joke) I don’t freak out about public restrooms. If something falls on the floor, I might eat it. 😉 It depends on how hungry I am, how long it took me to get/prepare and the price. Not kidding.

Keep freaking out over germs & keep getting sick. Whatever. JUST STOP SPRAYING THAT DAMN LYSOL. Febreeze is okay because the smell isn’t as strong. (The original kind used to make me sick, but the new flowery scents, I use in my house. I just have to make sure not to use it before bedtime). I used to get sick when my mom would use Woolite on my clothes. That is how sensitive I am to smells. Maybe it is an allergy? Lysol is the worst. And they spray it in the air. 😦 I’m thinking about wearing a mask so I won’t inhale it but I know that will just make them do it more.

The point is: How delusional are they to think I’m the one getting people sick since I have shown no signs of sickness since I got there??? (in 2008). That is just pure craziness to me.

2.) They are queens at stating the obvious. “Isn’t it nice to have friends?” “That girl needs friends”. NEWS ALERT: I’ve been saying it for 10 years. Life is easier having friends. The support is immeasurable. Less stress. It’s also a lot cheaper. Each time I moved I had to pay $300 for professional movers when all I needed was ONE person with a pick up truck. I don’t have furniture. That’s one example. I could use several. People probably save $ every freaking day just by splitting costs with friends. I see it. I know, dammit.

If I had one friend – just one – we would have made Avon work. Well I probably wouldn’t have gotten into Avon. It would be my own thing. My ‘friend’ would be the so called spokesperson. I would do everything behind the scenes. I’m sure my imaginary friend would have said yes, I would have thrown so much $$ at him or her plus a share of the profits.

yes my dears go on and on about how easy your life is. THAT IS WHAT I’VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU. People like to deny it. It takes someone viewing my life in 3D to really get how having friends makes life bearable. That makes me pathetic but at least some people are seeing the obvious light. Count your blessings and stop commenting on my non-friend status.

My life story is on TV: Carrie (1976 version). Gotta watch to relive the horror…but I never paid them back. hmmm.

A fashion post is coming soon. I’m in love with TopShop jackets and LnA leggings.

A truthful heart

killing millions of people is indeed on a different scale from what most of us have done in this lifetime; however, just as when you work on a small scale you spend 24 hours on that scale, so when you work on a big scale you still have the same 24 hours, but you’ve got all sorts of people under you. You say, ‘go to such and such region and kill a hundred thousand people,’ rather than just telling someone to go to hell. by reflecting this way, you can begin to get glimpses of how even hated persons are similar to yourself in wanting happiness and not wanting suffering but often engage in counterproductive techniques to accomplish these, your mind will loosen, relax, and free itself from single pointed hatred

-Jeffrey Hopkins

A Truthful Heart by Jeffrey Hopkins is one of the best Buddhism based books I’ve read. Or maybe it is finding me at the right time (as books, music & movies often do). This book breaks it down. Anyone could get this. It has even made me think about rebirth. I already believed in it but I never seriously pondered it.

Anyhow, the book isn’t about rebirth/reincarnation. It is about not having enemies or even neutral people in your life. I’ve been trying to do some of the meditations based on this book. But I don’t have any friends. That statement isn’t “woe is me”. How I feel about people has been well documented. 🙂 So I’m reading this book and can’t even ‘open my heart’ because I don’t see people as friends or even potential friends.

Another stopping point in my life. I want to work on (in order):

-letting go of all judgments

…and I thought I had a 4th one but I’m too tired to try to remember it. heh. Anyone in the social world aka everyone would say I need friends. blah, blah. They are probably right. I just don’t want to invest in that. I suck at it. Most people enjoy social crap so they aren’t actually WORKING. They are just being.

to be continued


I may as well blog all I can on the weekend. During the week I’m so busy. I don’t think I ever want to take a five week course again (especially BIOLOGY). I needed this summer session to get my ass into gear but in the future I want a regular summer/fall/winter session. I love studying outside because I love nature and there aren’t any distractions besides my cat. That is why I usually take summer classes….but 5 weeks? Hell no.

It’s almost over. I have an “A” average but I feel like this week is going to mess it up. And it doesn’t even make sense. I was off for 3 days + the weekend. But I had to organize my house (cause someone was coming). That was stressful. This weekend I haven’t been as motivated. I recorded a bunch of my notes so I plan to listen to my notes all day at work tomorrow.

I haven’t been to therapy in a while…and it feels so good! The worst thing is she is obsessed with me making friends at work but I am not in anyway comfortable with that. I was thinking on doing speed dating just once. I was going to say lesbian speed dating but I saw a lesbian scene in a movie this morning and that kinda confirms that I’m not a lesbian. Women are beautiful but…um, no.

See I would rather go speed dating then go to the cafeteria at work and smile @ someone. What does that say???? Just thinking about it stresses me out. There is nothing normal about me going into the cafeteria. I did it once but I was only facing someone for 15 minutes. Okay, here’s my comprise: I will go to the cafeteria tomorrow but I won’t face anyone. I don’t have therapy until next week so if I can’t do…then ugh.

I DON’T WANT TO!!!!!!!!!! I’m going to tell my therapist about lunch with C only if she promises me she won’t force me to be friends with her. Once again, I DON’T WANT TO!!!!!!!!!! (yes, I just copied and pasted). I want to tell her because I think I did a good job but she is going to push me to ask her out to lunch within the next two weeks and I DON’T WANT TO!!!!!!!!!!

I’m extremely frustrated at the moment.

Back to speed dating. Should I do it with men? I’m totally asexual. I just know it. I wish they had a friend speed dating thing. I could look at it that way. The guy I used to want to be friends with (not bitter or anything) did it with 30 women. He spent 4 minutes with each person and he has social anxiety issues. He did fine. I would just ask questions for 4 minutes. Being judged would suck though. I’m not looking for a date. I’m trying to practice social skills without the small talk crap. 😉

fuck. I just want to test myself but not until this damn biology class is over. I only have 2 weeks left. I’m just feeling overwhelmed because I think I’m going to bomb the test this week.

people aren’t bad?

*Lunch date*

Like I said on twitter, it wasn’t that bad. I had to fill the silences though. If it was silent for more than 5 minutes I just threw a question out there. Even lame stuff like, “Are you a sports fan?” No she wasn’t. LOL. In the past I would have just waited for her to say stuff. I guess I’m not as bad as I thought. Well I know I’m better one on one.

When we first left the building it was bumpy. There was another person there leaving at the same time we were. They talked. I said nothing. I looked down, no eye contact. I was thinking, ‘SAVE ME’. At that point I thought, “this could be a total disaster’. Luckily the other person went on her way. I suck at groups…even when it is just 3 people!

So my social anxiety is still in effect. I just freeze in groups.

One dramatic thing did happen. She freaked out because she thought I might be an atheist! She asked me if I went to church. I said “no”…probably too wearily. Then she started going off on “I’m with an atheist!” ROFL. It was so weird. Too strange. I’m thinking people in the office may think I’m an atheist. I have identified that way for brief periods of my life but not now. Buddhist aren’t atheists, right??? How can any spiritual person be an atheist?

No, I don’t believe in the god that Christians worship. I choose not to. I have to point out that I did have a quote on my desk by Buddha. She probably never saw it but I know people talk. So I’m guessing that my melancholy nature plus my Buddha quote might lead my coworkers to believe that I don’t believe in a God. I don’t believe in the god they do but I believe in the universe. Is that atheist? IMO, no. Any spiritual person believes there is something bigger than them. Some people call it god, I don’t.

Anyway I’m pleased with the way it went. She said she was too but that is the polite thing to say. I don’t feel I can tell my therapist though because she wants me to have friends. ugh. So she will try to push me to ask her to do stuff. etc. I’m just cool with having an acquaintance at work.

Project organization was officially started yesterday. My mom was a god and cleaned my kitchen while I worked on the living room. I actually threw away 4 pieces of clothing!!! All from the thrift store, of course. I’ve been saying I wanted to donate the clothes to a homeless shelter but the stuff I threw away yesterday was beyond repair. What keeps me from donating (or even selling on Ebay) is having to have the clothes dry cleaned first. Yes horrible excuse. I hate dry cleaning clothes.

I still have a lot to do. I brought a clothes rack that I have to put together. But I also have a bio test tomorrow night so I have to balance things.
Random: Sometimes I feel bad for Joe Biden. It’s clear that Obama and Biden are opposites. To be in that administration he must feel like “I can’t be myself”. Clearly I’m projecting. He is probably not a feeler (Obama allegedly is though) Why am I thinking this nonsense right now? I’m watching “Meet the Press”. I miss Tim. 😦