people still must die on fridays

I’m not going anywhere… long as I’m @ work surrounded by those people.

Yes I know my part. I study buddhism so I know.

the negativity there is like a glass ceiling. A stopper.

I’ve tried (and still trying) to change myself so that I’m stuck in the cycle. But no one can tell me how. I explain the situation & they say ‘you aren’t saying anything or doing anything’. Not helping.

ugh. if i didn’t have social anxiety, I wouldn’t have this problem or if people understood it (which is where the some of the anger comes from).

I can’t change those two things.

no god is going to save me b/c that is impossible. a god could’ve not given me SA in the 1st place but then I how would i suffer?

thou shall quote the bible

I don’t know what’s going on w/ Kelly (ex-model, real housewives of nyc) but for some reason people are finding my site by searching for Kelly. I’ll find out after I post and take a nap.

Their throat is an open tomb… whose mouth is full of cursing and bitterness (Proverbs 3:13-14)

I have never really considered myself a Christian. When I was younger and naive, I might have for a year or so. However, I have read the entire Bible. I’ve read sets of encyclopedias so this isn’t weird. I can’t quote that many bible verses…probably 3. LOL.

These ppl (twitter speak sorry) @ work are over the top. This may make me sound like a total narc…as if I give a damn. But I think I’ve driven these people to CHURCH!! Seriously. One woman who never went (but always considered herself a christian) is now going multiple times a week. heh.

a perverse man stirs up dissension, and a gossip separates close friends -Proverbs 16:28

Here’s the theory: No, it isn’t all about me. BUT they do feel bad about how they treat me so they overcompensate by doing godly deeds. ::cough:: I have been sitting there for a year. They never talked about charity, god, religion until recently.

Okay here is the real theory:

They see me as the devil.


You would have to be there to get it b/c I suck (and hate) explaining things. They know they “made” me snap on more than one occasion. Made is in quotes because of course it didn’t have to happen. Anyhow, how can a good person not feel bad for bullying someone??? So they talk about church and god. um, I’m not impressed or convinced of anything. I don’t care.

I’m a little worried about tomorrow ALERT: FRIDAY IS COMING. DON’T FUCK W/ME. I’VE BEEN SILENTLY PUTTING UP WITH YOUR SHIT ALL WEEK. I could feel myself coming undone a little today. It usually starts on Thursdays. I’m going to try to get up as much as I can but most days I don’t even have to make phone calls so getting up = not working. Tomorrow I do happen to have to make a call or too and I will go to a quiet room to do so.

A fool’s mouth is his undoing, and his lips are a snare to his soul. The words of a gossip are like choice morsels; they go down to a man’s inmost parts” (Proverbs 18:7-8).

Why can’t I just work from a laptop like some of the others do? I’m willing to use my home one until I can buy one. I could get sooooooooo much done if I could work where I sneak to make calls. And the chairs are so comfortable. 🙂
No the work situation isn’t just about gossip…I wish! 😦 Although D aka tattle tale aka Christian did tell TWO people who were my acquantences that I didn’t like them. I hate to even think about it. It isn’t true. SHE IS LYING and therefore hurting my rep. I did try to speak to one of these people. She barely spoke and didn’t smile. They believed HER. Why does she have this power to destroy my work relationships. People blindly believe as if she couldn’t lie.

::sniff:: thanks a lot. I quote again:

a perverse man stirs up dissension, and a gossip separates close friends -Proverbs 16:28

case of the Fridays

I had the worst day ever………at work.

I let them win. I REACTED. Multiple times but I didn’t say anything. LOL. It’s the same ol’ story.

They don’t like me b/c I don’t talk to them. That’s simplified obviously. Continuing: They (85%) gang up on me. I don’t have any allies.

As I’ve said by Friday my nerves are frayed. I could feel them frying yesterday. Seriously. I got up walked around AND SOMEONE TOLD PEOPLE IN MY DEPARTMENT. I hate tattle tales. Hate them (not talking about illegal activity, of course). D is the #1 tattler. She doesn’t want me there and she also tells the manager EVERYTHING. Keep in my mind, I’m not doing anything unethical.

ex: She told everyone (15 peeps in our department) that I would go to the stairwell and eat my breakfast. Um, yes I can’t eat breakfast @ home. It’s too early and I’m too nauseous to eat. Once my stomach semi-settles, I’ll eat a yogurt bar with my coffee. I try to keep it under 8 minutes. Most days that is easy but some days I check my voice mail and it’s something bad I have to respond to. That’s rare but anyway it is silly because they are up for 30 minutes at a time talking to another person. This is strange to me because at my last job we had to work 95% of the time. It was logged. There wasn’t any getting up.

It bothered me because I would always make up that time by taking a shorter lunch or just adding five minutes to the day, something I didn’t have to do.

That’s probably a bad example but my point is I FEEL LIKE I’M JAIL. How would you feel if someone reported every little thing you do??!! It probably started because the manager didn’t know much about me.


I know it is all about perception but sometimes shit is what it is.

YES I WENT OFF. I threw my notebook around – not on the floor I work on. I slammed it down twice in is what is a semi-empty lobby. Meaning there isn’t a reception area but there are people in closed rooms. whatever.

The bad things are I raced my car out the parking lot while throwing my hands in the air. If anyone read my lips they probably figured out I said hate a few times but that isn’t the worse thing…

This is the meltdown part: I put my middle finger down (YES – always down but I do mean “fuck you”). I used to do this by hiding my hand/finger under my desk a couple of years ago but then I started getting more into Buddhism. So I’m extremely frustrated with myself. We have cubicles so I doubt anyone saw…okay seriously I probably did it under my desk at least 3-4 times. I think the tattle tale might have seen it.* I think she is the first person I’ve hated since high school. I try to work on it but it’s a little hard when the person keeps doing things.

*It wasn’t b/c I had an issue with her today and I’m sure she knows that.

Of course they gathered around to talk about how I shouldn’t be there. They’ve wanted me gone for months. This stings but I’m not going to worry about it. If the universe sees it is fit it will punish me (and them0. It’s called karma. sometimes I feel like my life is one cosmic mess or mistake.

Well I won’t let this ruin my weekend. Fridays are soooooo hard. My mom is outta town. I’m going to crash at her house and watch movies. I want to see Nick & Norah. (she has Ondemand w/ all the channels) and I may go to the mall to get my makeup done. No MAC for me. I just want my makeup done to a.) take a picture for a website and b.) so I can order the products from Avon. I only have 50% off for 5 more days. I have to buy makeup even though I know I won’t use it every day.

And I really want to do online Avon charity events. There won’t be much in it for me money wise but then at least Avon can be more than fashion/beauty. It can be my purpose in life. Btw, they do a lot for breast cancer research and they don’t test on animals. avon is a good company. 🙂

posting more soon. 750 words. whew.