turn away from it all

The ultimate freedom. That is what I want. No kids. No pets. Sorry, B. (B is my dog). Yes, I am aware that a person can be free with those things, but those people aren’t me.

O was trying to convince me that kids are better/easier than dogs. ROFL! Okay, I agree there are some ways kids are better than dogs/pets. At least, they grow up. They can help around the house. They go to school and have mini-lives. etc. I could go on forever. I’ve thought about this and yes, there are benefits to having kids over pets.

BUT the ultimate freedom is none of the above. I don’t want to have to yell at anyone or anything. I don’t want to be responsible for anyone or anything. I want to be able to stay up until 2 AM if I want without worrying about messing up B’s schedule. (He is a habit of routine. He gets it from me. I do the same thing at the same time every day).

Kids and pets are a drain TO ME. I’m only talking about me here. Susie may be the type of person who loves kids/pets and doesn’t consider having them a burden. But that’s not me.

O wouldn’t even admit that the newborn stage sucks. HAHAHA. I have never held a baby or been near a baby, but I know that is tough. Don’t try to fool me. I’m too smart for that. I watched Teen Mom…and so did a lot of teens because the teenage pregnancy rate went down after the show was on for a couple of years. It’s not glamourous.

It’s easy for me to say kids aren’t for me. Dogs? But they are so cute! I may never get another dog. Who am I fooling? Of course, I will. Sigh. I know better. Just say no.

Why do I always get the dogs that don’t like to be left alone outside? Do you know how much easier my life would be if I could leave my dog outside for more than 10 minutes? And now my dog is starting to want to sleep BESIDE me. I kid you not. Scream. I can’t handle it. And the waking me up at midnight for no reason has to stop.

Warning: I will probably complain about my dog again and again. He is almost two. I’m not looking forward to the terrible twos!

———–

Ah, David Bowie. 😦 What an inspiration. My favorite songs of his are Space Oddity and Under Pressure (with Queen).  I didn’t even know he had cancer, so it was shocking to wake up at 4 AM and see he had passed.

Ellie Goulding is posting snippets of her rehearsing for her tour on Instagram. I can’t wait. Wait I must. Sometimes June seems so far away.

Speaking of concerts: Tori Kelly is coming here and to DC!!! The tour date here is general admission only (no seats). I don’t do that so I may be going to DC if I can figure out how to work the presale. There may be good seats left after the presale, but I’m not counting on that. Presale tickets go on sale tomorrow. **fingers crossed** Not that I need to spend more money on anything. I would love to see her.

I can’t believe we vote in the primary on March 1. I’m so not voting. lol. The Dems don’t have much of a choice. And I don’t care. Hillary. Bernie. Whoever. I don’t know. There are differences between the two. But as of right now, I’m leaning towards not voting in the primary.

I should probably get out and vote. My conscience is not going to leave me alone if I don’t vote. But if I don’t care, it seems pointless.

This is the year Leonardo DiCaprio will finally win an Oscar. He better!

I did well with not working extra hours this past week. yay. That is my goal. Now I just need to keep it up.

nothing left to lose

I wish I would just die. What is the point of living? What is the point of living without being happy? I’ve been asking these questions since…forever. I know no one is happy all the time.

Sorry. I just think it is really dumb to live unhappily. Yes that means I’m being mega dumb. But give me points for trying to kill myself and I have tried to make my life better but being neurotic and having social anxiety and other maladies doesn’t help. At all.

I hear people say they are willing to die for freedom in Egypt*. I ask, “Hmmm, why? If you are dead, how are you going to know if you are dying for freedom? Don’t you want to enjoy the freedom? And do you really believe that a new regime = freedom?” But at least they stand for something. And why not die for what they think will happen. Perhaps their actions will help a future generation. I’m not that optimistic so….

*Of course this happens in every country.

Buddhism answers my questions. Sort of.

It is natural for the immature to harm others.
Getting angry with them is like resenting a fire for burning.

Why do I get so angry when they taunt/bait me? WHY? Well I guess I can answer that. It is because I feel as though I’m being punished for being a quiet, socially anxious, shy, loner. THAT IS ALL I AM — TO THEM. WHY SHOULD I BE PUNISHED FOR THAT? Dude, I have (and many others) have lost jobs over this shit. How can someone not be depressed when 89.5% of the world is against. Okay it is more like 98%.

I’M MAD AT YOU FOR TREATING ME LIKE THIS.

This does not mean that one should never take action against aggression or injustice! Instead, one should try to develop an inner calmness and insight to deal with these situations in an appropriate way. We all know that anger and aggression give rise to anger and aggression. One could say that there are three ways to get rid of anger: kill the opponent, kill yourself or kill the anger – which one makes most sense to you?

I’m the scapegoat. Can someone who has been in my situation (most likely a loner) tell me how to get through day to day? Please be neurotic too. Thanks.

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.

The destructive effects of hatred are very visible, very obvious and immediate. For example, when a strong or forceful thought of hatred arises, at that very instant it overwhelms one totally and destroys one’s peace and presence of mind. When that hateful thought is harboured inside, it makes one feel tense and uptight, and can cause loss of appetite, leading to loss of sleep, and so forth.

yes, yes, yes. now get into my mind and cure it. :/

Of course I’m not just angry. Today I was. Thank god I wasn’t PMSing today. It would have been worse. Every thought, feeling, & action would have been exaggerated. I would probably be thinking of quitting my job. I would be thinking extreme thoughts.

I shall post about my sadness another day. My cat wants to annoy me bond.

(all the quotes are buddhists quotes. Some straight from the the Buddha).