break even

I think the Van Gundy brothers are hot. #nba

People call people crazy when they don’t get them. They do it do dismiss the person. Dehumanize the person so they can continue to talk about the person without feeling bad. Would any human being call a real crazy person crazy? I know the answer to that is sadly “Yes”. But there are some compassionate, humane people out there…somewhere. I have hope.

People are threatened by anything different. Everyone (well in America) wants to think everyone is the same. I don’t know where this came from…my theory is guilt but I admit I could be way off. But Americans like to pretend that everyone is the same. And guess what. It’s NOT true. It is sooo obviously not true but no one acknowledges it. It’s wierd. To me.

I never had the “everyone is the same” belief. I was and still am the ugly duckling. Never turned into a swan. (Shoutout to Hans!) I always felt like the outsider. And I still am. People take one look at me and just know that something is “off”. I overhear people making comments all the time. So I’ve always know that if I’m different, well others are too. That seems obvious to me but others don’t think that way. ?????

People dismiss anything different as “crazy”. They don’t know how else to describe it. They don’t dare say “different” or even “odd” because that threatens them for some reason. It’s like they want to believe everyone is on the same playing field. It comforts them. I see this everyday (not just with personally. I observe it in groups or if I just overhear two people talking about someone I don’t know).

I don’t know why I’m posting this. I was or will be on the midst of a nervous breakdown. My dad cannot live in my house. Not because I don’t want him too (but there is that too). My house is a storage house. There is no room. And guess what I am taking two classes. One class is much harder than I thought it would be. I don’t have time or the resources to get a room ready by June something.

AND work has totally flattened me. I haven’t been taking my classes seriously. I have to study/do homework at lunch because that is before all the bad stuff happens. When I got home on Wednesday and Thursday I was so depressed. I barely did a thing. I did make myself and go outside with my cat to do something. I had to do *something*.

I can’t let work get me down. Today was surprisingly a good day. 🙂 I went to work 3 hours after most of my coworkers. I can’t do that during the week because I can’t get any house or school work down if I’m getting home at 6:30PM. That can’t happen. On Tuesday I’m planning to be leave by 4PM at the latest.

One thing I noticed while looking at my vacation photos was I WAS REALLY SMILING! I never smile. Even when I think I’m smiling, I go back and look at the pictures and I looked so depressed. The one that makes me the saddest is my high school graduation. I really thought I was smiling but I look so sad. And there is was nothing sad about me leaving high school. (I didn’t walk across when I graduated from college. Had no desire. I don’t think it was an option in high school plus my parents probably really wanted me to do it.)

Even though New York City was sooo not relaxing, I actually smiled. The digital camera was an enlightened and nightmarish invention for me. About 6 years ago, I would take a pic of myself. I don’t know why I started it. I looked like death. Depressed. Sad. DEAD. I could not smile. It’s late and I don’t want to BS

I smiled…I was depressed…and now I’m floating.

This isn’t supposed to make sense. I’ve been up forever and I’m scared to ask my dad……………fuck,

Feelings show

I’m in school. Classes start today. I don’t have my books. One is coming tomorrow. Unfortunately I was dumb enough to buy a used copy at a verrrrrrrry low price so that means I have no idea when that is coming. If she shipped it media mail, it could take until June 14th to come. LOL. I will not do well if that is the case. This is a 10 week summer class. My fault. Teacher seems cool. My only issue is that we have to take these two classes currently…yet she schedules the mid-term and final during the same week! These are the only tests we have so ugh. Sucks.

Another issue is that I don’t have reliable internet access. So I pretty much have to take my tests at the college. Once you start, you can’t stop. Taking the tests at home would be a huge advantage. I could have my notes in an organized matter. Make all the noise I want searching for the notes. Throwing things out of the way etc. I’m way too much of a considerate/self-conscious person to do this in a computer lab so ack. My mom has broadband but her browser crashes so much that it isn’t even worth trying. That would be just as perfect as doing it at home.

Maybe I will contact the teacher before midterms but if she isn’t computer savy (or she has a mac – lol), she’ll be like, “huh?” or “WTF” or “just go on campus you dimwit”.

waahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

One more good thing: The week ends on a Saturday. I had one class where the week ended on Friday night and that sucked! And I don’t even go out on Friday nights. Ever. I hated that schedule. Plus it was a hard class involving legal research and writing papers. The classes I’m taking now are work related so I’m not starting from scratch. But looking at an old edition of the book, did make me question if it was a good idea to take this during the summer. The verbiage is familiar but I’ve only been doing this for 2 years (at work) and due to lack of trainers, I haven’t gone to the next step. Vague enough? How about the run on sentences?

I can write awesome resumes and A or B papers. The resumé thing is in case anyone is interested. Actually now would not be a good time. 😉 (And I know my blog does not reflect I can write anything but this is casual writing. I think waaaaaaaaaaaay faster than I type. And I don’t proofread this stuff cuz it is a journal. Does anyone proofread their paper journal? I don’t.)
————–
Sorry about the rant. I haven’t eaten dinner. I mowed the lawn and looked at the syllabus and power point presentations since I don’t have textbooks.

I did want to post about so much but school has to be a priority. I will just write about what I titled this blog. I got that title from a song as I do when I can’t think of a title or if a song is stuck in my head. (Feelings Show by Colbie Calliat)

Sigh.

Okay, so today I was brought into the manager’s office about a huge effin’ change at work….for me only. Of course. Grrr! I was so shocked that when she told me, I rolled my eyes!!!!!!! Huge deal. I spent the first 25 years of my life really being the shy, nice girl. I was/am shy and I WAS nice.Then I started taking social anxiety related meds & getting fed up with being treated a certain way.

The medicine didn’t cure my social anxiety but I started walking around more. Before I would sit at my desk for 8 hours. I was too scared to get up. I would wear the plainest, too-big-for-me clothes because I didn’t want people looking at me. (I still hate people looking/staring at me but now dude, I have style! 🙂 ) I would never, ever make eye contact. (I’m a little better with that but I don’t have it down at all). I really was invisible. That wasn’t 100% bad. Because now with the meds + being fed up = me not being the nice girl. I was trying to find myself since I never spoke (still don’t really) but Buddhism says there is no self. So I’m all confused. What is wrong with trying to find my personality. It was hidden for about 28 years! So screw that.

Gosh, I’m rambling. All my life I’ve worn my feelings on my sleeve. Always. So unless I know something in advance, YOU WILL ALWAYS GET AN HONEST REACTION FROM ME. I assumed that my manager was going to talk about something from last week since I was on vacay all last week. So I thought I knew what she was going to say then BAM she put me on St. Barts with 3.5 reality stars from The Real Housewives of NYC. (need to see the show to get reference). Sonja is .5 because she has some empathy and is mature.

Sigh. I’ve been trying to not show my reactions but WAIT people say that is bad???! So I’m supposed to roll my eyes? It isn’t like I thought, “sigh and roll your eyes”. I was shocked! We had a good convo after the shocking change about NYC. So she knew I didn’t resent/hate it for the news. I did almost start tearing up when she talked about the World Trade Center. I knew she thought, “I don’t want to bring the crazy out so next subject.” It’s sad that when you show emotions people call you nuts. You have to do this a lot to get this title. TMI since this blog is “anonymous”.

I don’t know how not to show my emotions. I’m sick of some people telling me it is good, while others say it is bad. I just want to be me. But me is not accepted in a corporate world. TRUST ME!

I will find me and then let go of the idea of me. I just never had a me because I was/am always trying to please them!

record breaker

Ugh, my stomach hurts. And my eyes hurt so much from crying. I was crying for 3 hours straight which is a record for me. I’ve never come close to that. I don’t think I’ve ever cried for an hour! 30? Maybe but I don’t remember. I rarely really cry. I’ll cry for 15 minutes and then my eyes will well up whenever I think about whatever made me cry.

I might not quit. Tomorrow I’m going to work six hours (3 for the mental breakdown + I’d agreed to work 3 hours of OT). I wished I hadn’t agreed to work the OT. I’m scared shitless. I’m going to be there while they are there. It almost makes me want not to go but I’m still employed, and I have to make up time.

What have I learned today?

  • I can quit my job. (smart? no)
  • The thought of quitting my job makes me sad even though I hate the environment.
  • I like the work I do. (but not enough to not quit over office politics)
  • People don’t care why you aren’t social; you just have to be. (anger)
  • The things that bother me don’t bother others. (already knew that. reconfirmed today).
  • I will never understand people and they will never get me. (reconfirmed)
  • I am socially inept when it comes to talking & writing. (understatement)
  • NEVER expect someone to have empathy. (ppl only have it w/their close friends).
  • I can cry for 3 hours.
  • I hate feeling abandoned. (reconfirmed).
  • I should not talk to people. (emphasis on more than one person)
  • I need to transfer my discover balance ASAP (in case me have no job).
  • If I had a baby, I would love it as a pet until it turned 13. Then it would suck. (random)

I could go on, but I really need to stop trying to please people. It won’t happen. 75% of me has accepted that but then today happens and it’s like: WILL I EVER LEARN?

I’m emotionally and physically sick.

I’m at your service

I’ve figured out my purpose in life. Excuse me for being selfish but what’s in it for me? Two people who never really talked, bonds over gossiping over me. Great. I’m glad you have friends now. And of course everyone can look at me/observe me and feel better about themselves. Wonderful. Is that all there is?? Oh yeah, way more than 2 people have bonded over talking about me. Everyone else seems to have a purpose. If this is really my purpose in life then it must be karma. I don’t believe in being punished for past lives but….I must have been a serial killer in my last life to have such a dismal purpose. :/

———–
Anger repression.
My whole life I’ve been repressing my anger. I let people throw things at me. I never said a thing. I let people push me. I never said a thing. I sit and listen to people talk about me. Never say a thing. etc.

People must be out of their mind, if they think I’m going to just take this shit. They call me crazy??? How crazy is their behavior? “We are going to talk about her, say she has diseases (or fill in the blank), mock her clothing and her gait, and laugh at her?” And this is at my current place of work.

WHO WOULD PUT UP WITH THIS? NO ONE. People who repress their anger GO OFF. This is how shooting sprees happen. Read through the VA Tech files. He never said a thing and then he killed 30 people.

So no, I’m not going to feel bad about putting up my middle finger. Yes I meant “FUCK YOU”. This chick who usually works at home came into the office. She was ranting about me. She’s laughed before but nothing like this. This time she was starting stuff. So after an hour or so, I placed my hand under my desk and put up my middle finger. Not in her direction. I guess it was more at the world. Anyhow, one of my coworkers walked by and saw me. Of course she told. LOL.

Then days later she says to ‘no one’: It’s amazing what people will do when they think no one is looking.

WTF? No, I didn’t want anyone to see. That’s why I placed my hand under the desk. But I WAS DOING THIS FOR ME. It made me feel better. Here I am just sitting and listening to people make fun of me??? AND I’M NOT SUPPOSED TO DO ANYTHING? How ignorant is that? This is why I think I know more about human behavior than the average outgoing person. It’s because I observe but that is another entry.

It would be nice if I had another way to get the anger out. Eventually I want to be able to do deep breathing at my desk but as of right now, I’m too anxious (rigid) to do that. Getting up doesn’t really help. Walking around and sitting for about 10 minutes helps a tiny bit but I’m not exactly supposed to be doing that. (And I’m not complaining to my boss, scared of repercussions).

Sticking up my middle finger isn’t nice but neither is what they are doing. I know I need to come up with a better way to express my anger. I don’t do it everyday. Sometimes I just get sick of it. And it feels good to tell the world to FUCK OFF.

Goal: No middle finger for the rest of the week. 🙂