you can call it sabotage

I should be relieved after the meeting with my manager but now I am more fearful than ever! She was just going over the first half of the year. NOW is the problem. &%$# I just hate living in this fear. But at least I have my job and I know what can/will happen in the future. (not good). Fuck. She knows I have been a good worker for several years. She knows they are after me.  She made that clear without directly saying it. She can’t say it. She basically told me to do what I am already doing: control what I can control. But it is too late…They came after me quickly and all at once.

Too damn late. Well, I have to go back to not worrying too much about it. Easier said than done but I’ve done it in the past so I can do it now. It’s hard to get work done when you’re working in fear. It’s hard to live when you’re living in fear. I’m overthinking and overanalyzing. Not good.

Thanks for any and all good vibes. 🙂


This week I…

Music of the week:  Tori Kelly, Bea Miller, Broods, Florence + the Machine, Paramore,  Shelby Lynne, Crystal Lewis, Ed Sheeran

Song of the week: Johnnyswim – Over

Johnnyswim is a duo. The female singer is the daughter of Donna Summer. Please listen. You’ll fall in love.

Watched: Big Brother, Dexter, James Holmes trial

In less than a week, the republican debate will be on! Exciting times. Trump or no Trump. I love politics (except when it hurts people). I’m only bummed because the republicans have cut back on their debates. I’m not sure what the democrats are doing debate wise. I think they thought it would just be Hilary for the win. Since that is no longer the case, they need to think about debates. I’ll be watching.

Speaking of politics and TV, unfortunately, I was right about MSNBC. Three more shows are gone. I only really liked Alex’s show, but I won’t be watching anymore. Their daytime stuff is becoming unwatchable. I know this will make me sound like a bad mom, BUT I leave my TV on (mute) for my dog. He looooves watching TV. lol. He really gets into it. The problem occurs when an animal comes on the screen. He starts running toward the TV and barking. That sucks if I’m sleeping so I have to remember to turn the TV off before I sleep. I often forget.

I have to do an entry on politics. That always goes over well. 😉 For now, I just want to say: Some Bernie Sanders supporters are getting on my nerves and don’t sleep on Martin O’Malley (MARYLAND in the house). I don’t support anyone running as of right now. I’m sure I will change my mind later on. I just don’t care enough right now. Too early plus I’m a little cynical about politics at the moment.

Movies of the week:  I started watching a transgender documentary but just wasn’t into it.

Books of the week: I finished Something Must Be Done About Prince Edward County: A Family, a Virginia Town, a Civil Rights Battle by Kristen Green. Good to average book. Read it if you’re interested in how the schools being integrated (or not) affected blacks.

I’m juggling 3 books right now. Luther: The Life and Longing of Luther Vandross by Craig Seymour. I’m not a Luther fan, but people have recommended this book. I love reading books about musicians. I never knew the stuff about David Bowie or Bette Midler. Fascinating. So far I feel like I have a lot in common with Luther.

Between The World and Me by Ta-Nehisi Coates. So many great quotes. I might have to share some next week. I’m listening to it on Audible while I read it on my kindle. This is a great way to experience a book. I love the way Coates says “Baltimore”.

Big Little Lies by Liane Moriarty  So far there is a lot of kid talk. I have no idea what this book is about. I’m going in 100% blind. Hopefully the main focus is the adults. I love reading about teens/young adults* but kids in kindergarten? No. I will give it a decent chance before giving up.

*If I ever write a book it will be about a teen or college student with social anxiety. Write what you know.

Guess what I plan on doing this weekend? Lots of reading. Yay.

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.

Eleanor Roosevelt

Miss April

Life is supposed to stop with March Madness. Some people didn’t get the memo. Most of my bills are set up to auto pay not only because I would forget to pay them….I don’t want to know how much I’m paying what to. It would sting too much. In the midst of the madness, I managed to be very sloppy with doing everything. I still have some stuff to do but I don’t want to think about it.

A wise man once said:

If they aren’t excited about it, who cares? I want to hang out with people who are excited about it.

The wise man is our local radio sports show host from Philly. 🙂 He said it on Friday about March Madness. Isn’t that statement true about everything?

I was *so* proud of myself for noticing that my tire was losing air and not freaking out. In hindsight, I should have realized that it was flat – dead, and no amount of air was going to save it. It is a looong story but my spare went flat a few months ago so I had to drive to the nearest mechanic to get a tire. Well he didn’t have a tire to fit my car. (weird). So he put some non-fitting tire on there and it lasted for a few months and the rest is really boring…

But I was proud of myself for checking the tire pressure (with a tire gauge) for the first time EVER. A year ago I was afraid of anything tire related. But my mom’s friend showed me how to do it a year ago. I can’t remember if I suggested it or what. I had this fear that just taking the cap off would allow all the air out. It does not help that my mother thought the same thing. LOL. See where I get this from??? Anyhow, I went to the gas station for the first time by myself to get air for my tire. I did it wrong for 1 minute out of the 3 but I’m relieved to actually DO it. I faced a fear. But all I can think of is, “What is the point if the tire is flat?” SERIOUSLY. Woohoo, I can put air in a bad tire. :/

No I have no interest in learning to change a tire. I have seen big men struggle with it. I weigh 105 with zero muscle. I think I’ll past on that.

I know how to check air pressure and I guess that is all that ‘knowledge’ is good for. WOW. (sarcasm). Yes I am scared of tires. Yes I know normal people know how to do this. I’m done comparing myself with the norm but everybody else is not so I have to say, “I know this isn’t a big deal for everyone else…

My point is that it is easier to face a fear when it is something YOU WANT TO DO. Um, answering phone calls at work? Hmmm, is that a want? Nope, that is a must. The alternative is being unemployed. I would’ve been satisfied if I had succeeded at it. It would have built my self confidence. I would feel like I have more job options. I’m talking in past tense as if I will never be on the phone again.

I just heard gunshots. I guess that was the universe’s way of telling me to blog about this: After I finish school in May, I’m going to see if moving is a possibility. I think I need to go to an open house – something I have never done before – to really feel like I have to move. I don’t want to waste a realtor’s time with ‘private showings’ when I already have a mortgage. I’ll blog more about this later. Nothing like gunshots to remind me. 😉 (It happens often, I assume no one is getting hurt – I wouldn’t joke about that! I do follow the news and no one has been shot or murdered). Why did I even have to type that?

I have an assignment, I want to get done tonight so adios. I actually had “read for fun” and “watch Precious (the movie based on youknow)” on my to do list. Heh, probably won’t happen. By the way, I finally saw The Social Network. If every movie opened with dialogue like that I would go to the movies more than once a year. I wish I’d seen it in the theater. I rarely say that about movies these days. I love the way the screenwriters adapted the script from the novel. B+

Total Exposure

Anyone who know anything about phobias, knows that it is a horrible idea to just put someone in the situation. Uh, you can’t do that. Chances are the person will regress. No therapist would do that.

If you are scared of snakes, no therapist is going to make you sit down and hold a snake for an hour. Most likely you would scream, cry, run away etc…and possibly give up on that phobia. (I’m ignorant as to why that is such a big deal. I guess some places have a lot of snakes. ??? Florida? We have them here but I have never seen one in the wild. I’m not scared of snakes. I enjoy them at zoos but if I saw one in my house, I would probably freak out. “Ugh! How did that get in here? Do you have brothers?”)

You have to desensitize the person. You wouldn’t put a person with a deep fear of flying on a 20 hour flight to Asia. Talk about a nightmare! You would allow the person to do a flying stimulation. Then maybe you would walk around the airport with a ‘safe person’. Then you get on a plane without flying anywhere. I’m not a therapist so I don’t know what happens next.

Certain people – I’ll just call them “management” doesn’t get why I and ——– freaked out about taking phone calls. You are taking us from 0 to 1000. Ask any therapist, that is a horrible idea. Interesting how I reacted just like a person with a fear of snakes would. hmmmmmmmm

Also, would anyone take a person with agoraphobia and make them leave the house. Trust me, you couldn’t get the person to just leave the house. There would be screaming and tears. In fact, just the thought of someone doing that to a person unnerves me. I hope no one has ever gone through that.

I’m going to be on the phone for about 3 hours tomorrow. I should be working on scripting but it is sorta hard when you don’t know what you are supposed to say. LOL. I have been listening to others. I have a better idea of how to not piss the callers off. But I do panic. So I’m always asking, “Can you hold?” Okay, I’m starting to freak out. That’s it for now.

Dear universe, I ask for some sort of peace of mind at work.