You’ve turned this heart

I haven’t blogged earlier this weekend because I don’t have much to say. Haha. I have a feeling that will change soon. Unfortunately.

Well, Marianne Williamson made the debate stage!! Too bad she’s going to be on the same stage as Joe Biden. Unlike Kamala, Pete, and Bernie I don’t think she will be attacking Biden. I’m guessing she will focus on her message. However, it will be all about Joe.

I’m looking forward to both nights of the debate because I’m a debate whore. 🙂  I’ll watch any debate.

Ugh, this guy on Facebook is so annoying. He says things like, “hi” and then he’ll say “how are you?”. Okay. Then he’ll say, “hi beautiful” and I’m all turned off. LOL. Stop already. Every time he says something like that I don’t respond. Does he not get it? Sigh. I know I should unfriend him or block him or whatever people do on Facebook. But I don’t do that. I already muted his posts for 30 days.

I’ve been on FB more in the last 2 months than ever because I’m in so many courses and everyone uses FB. I’m thinking about starting a FB group for my course, but what if only one person takes the course? No need for Facebook. LOL. So I will just make sure the person knows they have email access to me. I have to discuss this with my mentor. I don’t know what’s best if only 1 -3 people sign up for the course. I’m not doing a FB group for those few people.

FB groups are easier, but it’s also hard to get people engaged. But if people have questions, it’s perfect! It’s better (IMO) than emailing back and forth. And yes, I know there are now alternatives to Facebook. I haven’t checked them out yet. But I know people like the other platforms.

Oh! My new astrology class has 100 people in it. I kid you not. There were about 96 people live on Zoom!! ROFL. We have today off. Yay! He is on a working retreat with bad internet access, so no class. The FB group is very active. I just introduced myself and haven’t said anything else.

Speaking of astrology, there is this HUGE astrology conferences in one of my favorite places in the United States – Baltimore Inner Harbor. I want to go, but #1 the cost and #2 not sure I can get the time off from work. It’s just 2 days off, but everyone wants time off in the summer. The hotel even accepts pets!! I love Hyatt. But there’s no way I would leave my dog in a hotel room, while I’m at a conference, so my mom would have to come for sure. My dog can’t be left alone.

Anyway, that would be at least $800 or so with the hotel cost. I could go for one day and not even stay in a hotel. Hmmm. I love the Inner Harbor. I grew up going there and haven’t been there in years. I would love to go to an astrology conference. Most of them are on the west coast so I feel like I should really consider it. I was going to cancel my birthday vacation and just go to Baltimore for this conference. But I love the beach and nature more than sitting in a conference room with a bunch of people. 😉

I could also meet my new teacher if I go. Hmmmm. Thinking about it. However, he knows I’m on a sliding scale so it would be weird if I went to the whole conference (and financially irresponsible). He would be like, “She must have some money”. Uh, nope. Damn. Probably not going. I do plan on going to Seattle or Portland for one of their conferences within the next 5 years. I don’t want to think about the cost of the flight.

This week I…

Music of the week: Sara Bareilles, Lauren Daigle, Tori Kelly, Beyonce, Lissie, Rachel Platten, Alessia Cara, Carrie Underwood

TV of the week:   NBA playoffs, The Handmaid’s Tale

Podcasts of the week: True Crime Garage, So You Wanna Be a Witch,  Man in the Window, The Jump, The Lowe Post, The Ringer NBA Show, First Take, The Bill Simmons Podcast

I listened to a lot of sports podcast since the NBA season ended this week.

Books of the week: Now reading –

Mostly reading astrology books for class and for creating my course. Not much time for leisure reading.

Weekend Plans: Well, today is Sunday. I have about 3,000 words to write if I want to get certified for one of my astrology classes. I have been staring at one birth chart forever and I only have 70 words. LOL. I have to write two papers on my own chart. That is a little easier. But I want to start on the harder charts first, because if I can’t do those, then why should I waste time doing the easy stuff? I just want the certification.

I also recorded a module for my astrology class. I did the intro, but I’m having tech trouble. No sound. ARGH. Should be easy to fix with google.

I’ve been eating too much. I know I can’t fit into my high rise jeans right now, but I haven’t tried. It’s not about exercising for me. It’s more about food. But exercise is good too. I walk about 20-25 minutes a day. Ideally, I would walk 40 minutes a day. Before I moved, I would walk at least 45 minutes a day and it didn’t affect my weight, but it probably kept me healthy. Skinny doesn’t equal healthy. Anyhow, I’m a little concerned because the kids are out of school as of Friday. If there are a lot of kids around, there goes my walks.

Tonight I’m going to attempt to go to bed on time and work on my astrology paper. If I could get to 300 words, that would be great.

Thanks for reading. Have a great week! 🙂

They don’t care about me

Hmmm, the lady that does my taxes told me to claim 0 or whatever on my taxes for 2019. Otherwise, I might not get a refund next year. I just hope I won’t owe anything. I do get a relatively small refund this year from the government and nothing from the state.

I just read about claiming 0, and they would take MORE money from my paycheck each month. I can’t pay my bills now, so that’s not going to work. Of course, the tax lady doesn’t know I just borrowed from my 401k, and I’m planning on borrowing again (for the last time – I swear!). I should have borrowed enough so I could have money in my savings/checkings. I just borrowed enough and used it all to cover bills. So right now I have nothing left of what I borrowed.

So next year, I probably won’t get anything. Bummer. If my business were to slightly take off (meaning make more than $500 in revenue), I know I will owe the government money. I already have a plan for that. Save at least 30% of any revenue for taxes. It should probably be 35%, but whatever. I’ll worry about that once I make enough money.

I should be working on my Robert Downey Jr. astrology final exam paper. I have exactly 222 words. I’m going to do the minimum and only write about 550 words. I hope I’m able to finish by Sunday afternoon.

Ugh. The Wallflowers are coming here in August. I went to maybe buy a ticket. They only have general admission. I never do GA. Never. Why are people willing to waste hours to get good seats? I don’t get it. It would be easier and more time efficient to just get a seat. I’m not wasting my time, getting to a venue extra early and then there is no promise of a good seat. How nuts is that? All those wasted hours. No, thank you.

Oh god. I get why people hate social media now. I’m specifically talking about Instagram and Facebook. Instagram is the worst.

#1. Don’t DM me with BS. Some people come straight out and ask for what they want. This is extremely rare. That just happened to me 15 minutes ago and I LOVED that. I responded back that I can’t enroll in his program because of finances. Boom. Done. Thank you. Don’t DM me, pretending to give a fuck when you just want a sale. I’m a hardcore Taurus. We don’t like that fake shit.

#2. Don’t friend me on Facebook, then ask me to like your page a week later and when I ask YOU to like my page, you don’t. Motherfucker! I believe in karma and I’ll leave it at that. This is a new thing that just started happening. I don’t know if it is a stragety amongst the new kids or what. FAKE BULLSHIT. The requesting to be a friend when I don’t know you, doesn’t bother me as much as the asking me to like your page…especially when you have 350 more likes than I do. LOL. I’m not that serious about FB so I approve all friend requests. I don’t care. Just don’t be fake.

Those are the two main things bugging me with social media. #2 doesn’t happen that often (for now) so I’m like whatever. It’s just an annoyance. But if I get another DM from a stranger. ARGH! And I’m temporarily working with someone who suggests I DM people. LOL. Nope. I am not doing it. I don’t like when people do it to me so why would I do it to others???! I’m going to tell her that on Wednesday. If someone can explain to me how to be AUTHENTIC when messaging people on Insta, fine. I have yet to find a decent, real way to DM strangers. Just post on their posts. NO DMs!!

I also don’t like when strangers knock on my door, so that is why I’m not going to campaign for Marianne Williamson or anyone. How hypocritical would that be?? I don’t like it when strangers call me so why would I call strangers? I am not doing it. I did tweet about Marianne and did an Instagram story begging for people to help her. 🙂 I’ll do that because that’s not invasive. Btw, I block numbers all. the. time. If a stranger calls more than once I block. Do I block on social media? Nope. I’m not that mean. hah.

I’m really overwhelmed with things at the moment. Work. School. Fiances. Home. Online classes. Etc. Oh speaking of overwhelming, I’ve scheduled an online appointment with a psychiatrist to see what is going on with Abilify. I will probably cancel that appointment IF I decide to go to therapy twice a month…unless the therapist suggests I see a doctor.

There are so many issues with therapy. I was in therapy for years. I found it slightly helpful for a while until she changed her technique. Then I stopped going to her. Then I started seeing someone else online. She wasn’t very understanding. Or she thought I didn’t like her. I don’t know. We didn’t vibe which is probably a natural experience for many. I didn’t like her technique either.

I just want to see someone about my OCD thoughts and behaviors*. I found one therapist online. She specifically states she works with my main issue. My insurance covers it. My copay would be $25. However, she hasn’t opened her calendar for April. WTF is up with that? Next week I have 2 meetings after work. I am already overwhelemed. I haven’t finished my astrology paper. etc. etc. So there’s no way I’m going to schedule a therapy appointment just because she hasn’t opened dates for April.

*not sure whether I have OCD. If the behavior is caused by a medication, is it still OCD? Do I have depression, anxiety and PTSD? YES!

Anyway, I feel like a failure because I didn’t get my astrology paper done today. I didn’t go to the library because I had to go to the bank and pick up my taxes. Sigh. Tomorrow I have to take my dad to the store. So I will lose at least 3 hours of time. :/

This week I…

Music of the week: Marren Morris, Rachel Platten, India.Arie, Ariana Grande, Delta Goodrem, Ellie Goulding, Carly Rae Jepsen, Hillsong Worship

TV of the week: The Bachelor, March Madness (GO UVA!), Vanderpump Rules

Podcasts of the week: True Crime Garage, So You Wanna Be a Witch, Why is This Happening, Pod Save America, Hardball with Chris Matthews, All In with Chris Hayes, The Mind Your Business Podcast, The Jim Fortin Podcast

As a person with a strong interest in neuropsychology, I really like the Jim Fortin Podcast, but he lost me when he said $2000 wasn’t a lot of money. It’s a really out of touch and privileged thing to say. When I had 2K in my bank account, I didn’t think it was a ton, but I knew it was a lot to many people. I would kill for 2K or 1K right now. Kill. Maybe I shouldn’t be admitting this. It’s a joke, people. 😉

Books of the week: Now reading – 

Weekend Plans: Well the weekend is halfway over and I haven’t finished my paper. Maybe I should book a study room at the library on Monday afternoon? I knew I should have taken the days off for March Madness like I do every year. Sigh. I didn’t do it and now I’m behind. It’s only 9:30PM on Saturday night. I’m kind of tired, but if I could get 50 coherent words written, I would consider that win.

I’m going to attempt to work on my paper, but I already want to update my tarot website. LOL. I had clarity. One of my offer descriptions really, really sucks. I guess I could update it tomorrow.

Thanks for reading through my frustration. Have a great rest of the weekend! 🙂

take a chance on life again

Random: I’m glad I’m done with Facebook. I just gave it up cold turkey. It used to be that when I was at work I would think, “I can’t wait to get out of here and blow off some steam on Facebook”. It would be what I would do to relax. Now I don’t even miss it. I use Twitter for “everything” now. It takes a lot less time and some days I don’t even log on. I get most of my news from there. (Sports news and real news). I like Twitter. I hope it doesn’t go away like Myspace did. I’m surprised there are still so many people on Facebook. I would think something new would have come along by now…

I freaking moved!! Sorta. I’m living at my mom’s now. It is so weird because I didn’t have any idea that I would be “moving” this weekend. It was my mom’s plan/idea. I sorta feel duped but I like actually semi-living. I’m not nauseous all the time. I have my clothes on hangers (what a concept!). I have more cable channels than anyone could possibly want…and that is without HBO etc. I don’t ever plan on having this kind of cable when I move.

Anyhow, that’s the good. The bad is well, bad. I still have to take my cat to the animal shelter. And there is a chance they won’t even take her. SIGH. Monday after work I’m going to the vet to get her records. I’m just so stressed over this. She IS my kid. This sucks. How will she ever possibly understand? (Don’t laugh). I didn’t do this because I didn’t love you. I just can’t be around her throwing up anymore. And once I found out that that is normal (for some cats), I knew it was over. I was throwing up, she was throwing up.

I know this sounds silly to some…but I don’t want her to think she is a bad kitty or that I didn’t love her like crazy. 😦 😦 😦 😦

…And to make matters worse. I won’t be putting my house on the market until late December. Think Xmas. So I semi-moved out, but I’m not saving much money from the move because the bills there aren’t stopping. I will cancel some things in December. I will start sending extra money to the mortgage company at the end of this month. I hope we have overtime available because I will be doing that 3 out of 4 Saturdays a month starting next Saturday (if it is available).

Just so I can say that I have something saved for my townhouse, I have $85 saved for that. haha. I’m supposed to be focused on selling my house NOT saving for the townhouse so that is about right. I have a looooooong way to go.

Tomorrow I might drive around to look at my wishlist townhouses. While driving around Northern VA, I noticed how close some of the townhomes were so I want to see what my “dream” ones look like. Of course I want to scope out the neighborhood too. These homes have everything I want on the INSIDE but now I want to know about the outside.

I have to act like I’m in school too. I keep forgetting. I guess being apathetic is kinda a good thing. You can “move” and give up your cat without batting an eyelash.

:/

I keep putting move in quotations for the obvious reasons and all of my furniture is still there. Most of my stuff is still there actually. I only have what I need for the most part.

trust no one

I’m a night owl. No matter how tired I am, around 10:30PM I start moving around as if I’ve had 10 cups of coffee. However, my brain is not working so this won’t be much of an entry.

The ‘old’ friend from high school aka facebook friend responded again. I know if I look at the response I will obsess over what to say tonight instead of focusing on the Lakers game going to sleep. I probably will tell my therapist about her. I’m scared she may force a meeting. I did initiate the idea of a meeting. Sorta. I left it up to her to follow up if she wanted to. Right now that is in the air. If I read facebook friend’s message I would probably know what’s up. 🙂

Anyhow, I am thinking about going into my mistrust of new people. I just don’t trust people I don’t know. I don’t trust that they will be honest. Will they tell others what I say to them? I don’t want friends at work because I’m paranoid. YES PARANOID. But they also think I’m crazy so why should I try to be friends with them. It is hard with the whole crazy stigma.

I officially hate the use of the word “crazy”, btw. It is used as a put down when a person doesn’t act normal. Does anyone even know what crazy is? It is too general for me. It’s like a lazy term people use when they don’t care enough to really find out what is going on. Hate it.

Well I have to get to bed and listen to the NBA game as I drift off to sleep……

A shell

I can’t believe she’s gay! She’s beautiful too but that’s not the point. The things I find out on facebook. I want to send a friend request. Something like “We went to high school together…” But I’m 99% sure she won’t remember me. I never thought about her after graduating. It probably has something to do with me blocking out a lot of those years.* Her profile intimidates me. I have an inferiority complex so very few people don’t intimidate me.

We weren’t friendly but she wasn’t a ‘mean girl’. I want to say, “Hey, I think it’s cool you are gay…” That is probably the most ignorant, dorky, desperate thing to say to someone. But when I was reading her profile I kept going ‘no way she’s gay!’ Then I started drooling over how cool she was. I’m such a dork.

*It’s pathetic that I’ve let the high school years ruin my whole life. I turn 29 (in 2 weeks!) so I believe there is still hope. It would help if what happened then didn’t repeat. Well no one is throwing paper balls at me (9th grade english). But the other stuff is still happening. I know I’m not a victim (in 90% of situations). Sometimes I am a control freak because I don’t want that crap to happen again. Guess what? It doesn’t work.

I am a shell. Empty.
————-
TGIT 😉 I won’t be spending time on Facebook tonight. It’s addicting. I have 6 months of bills to organize. What fun.