The void

Woohoo! 🙂 I’m posting because I finally found CHEWABLE iron vitamins. lol. Over the years, I have gone to every drug store chain, department store and GNC to find chewable iron anything. Thanks Amazon.com! Yep, of course they had them.  (I swear I did not see them 2 years ago). I ordered them on Saturday morning and got them today. Now that is what I call living. The sad thing is that I’m not being sarcastic. Here is a link to these lovely vitamins in case anyone else needs them: Nature’s Plus – Chewable Iron W/ Vit C, 90 chewable tablets

Of course my doctor told me to take something for iron because my iron levels are low. She also said that I needed B vitamins. I can buy those chewable from any store but I went ahead and got them from Amazon (way cheaper from them). I tried B vitamins before (pre-Abilify) because I thought they might help with my depression/lack of stamina. But I don’t think my stomach liked them so I quit taking them. I’m going to try again.

I think she also mentioned something about low red blood cells. (??????) I was “okaying” her like crazy because she called during a very tense and important part of training. One thing I did catch was……..

My ultrasound didn’t show anything abnormal. 😦 That means no gallbladder problems. So the next thing would be to see if I have an ulcer which I thought was the problem for years. But I’m going to wait until I get sick again before seeing a GI. I really wanted to go to a GI and just skip the ultrasound but my doctor recommended it the other way around. Who knows how much that will cost? I’m waiting until I get sick because I’m super smart (sarcasm).

Between the Abilify (which is like, the only magic drug) and taking these vitamins, I hope my depression disappears. But then I think of my life situation and I wonder: Would “Sally” be depressed if she were me too? Is there no hope for me? FUCK.

I apologize for the outburst.

Work was so intense today. blah. I’m going to miss training when it is over. We get extra breaks and longer lunches. I can get a lot of stuff done during those breaks.

Training is the perfect example of diverse personalities. We have one sort of extreme extrovert. 3-4 people are probably 50% introverted, 50% extroverted. Then there is the rest of us. 5 of us are introverts. How cool and not normal is that?! Sometimes I feel bad for the teacher because I know she would rather have more extroverts by her comments about previous classes. HOWEVER, how could we get anything done if there were 2-3 extroverts in the class? We are moving faster than the previous classes…not because we are smarter but because most of us are introverts who just want to focus on the task at hand. The task is learning not socializing.

Diversity is a good thing. I’m so glad we have at least 1 extreme extrovert. I would feel really bad for the teacher otherwise even though I shouldn’t. I think teachers like extroverted students because it makes their job a lot easier.

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As of right now I’m still not going to school in the fall. YES I probably should be going. But I’m taking a break. Between this summer class and trying to move, I’m stressed out. Overwhelmed. Dreaming about dying. You know all that good stuff.  I want to read for fun. I want to play my guitar again. I want to take a jewelry making class. And more importantly…

I want to do more with my social anxiety blog. I want to tell my story of how I, a person with ‘off the scale’ social anxiety, managed to enter the workforce. I haven’t really told my story to others with SA because I feel like know a lot of luck was involved as far as me having my current job. I can’t tell people to GET LUCKY! haha. It’s like having a privileged background and saying “I did it so can you!”. Just um, get privileged.  I’m just going to be honest. Maybe I will make it into a (free) e-book just for the blog. This will take a lot of work from me because as you can tell: I am not a writer. At all. But the possibility excites me.

So yeah I want to skip my final semester (really bad) but I also hope to get a lot of non school things done. If I don’t get some of the things done, I will feel like a failure. Oh wait…

Hold It Against Me

Pop culture time! This entry may not make sense to someone who hasn’t seen the latest episode of Bethenny Ever After (the birthday party episode). I’m not good at explaining the details. I saw the last 40 minutes of the episode and wow, what a real life situation. I love a reality show that is worth commenting on.

I’ll start off by saying that Jason (the husband) is extremely outgoing. Bethenny is an introvert. I see so much of myself in her. The biggest difference is that she is herself without apology…most of the time. Just watching this show for the past two years, made me realize what a nightmare it would be to in a relationship with an extremely outgoing person. Beth and Jason are the perfect TV example. Perfect. I love it!

I’m not saying Jason is bad. He is just an extrovert. Introverts always get the bad rap. We are boring, geeks, sullen, etc. This episode was a great example of how extroverts (the majority) sees us. And they get it wrong!! Tell them that, right? Now that that is out of the way…

The episode: Bethenny decided to have a 40th birthday party. But she hates her birthday. She always gets sad around her birthday. She hates surprises and hates being the center of attention (not in all situations, obviously). Her husband knows this. He doesn’t seem to fully grasp it. More on that later.

Jason surprised her more than once in front of 40+ family and friends. The incident was giving her a gift he knew she would love and making her the center of attention. She had to perform. Introverts don’t like performing. (generalization) I thought she handled it really well. She kept saying, “thank you!”. She had a genuine look on her face and seemed truly grateful.

What shocked me was how “the others” (including her husband!) perceived her reaction. They thought she wasn’t grateful enough. Have these people ever heard of shyness? Or even just being uncomfortable in a public event? Everyone doesn’t show emotion the same way. It drives me nuts! People say that they know people are different but listen to them talk about how the person reacted differently. Uh, people are different!

I watched it and I had to blog about it because it shows how the majority of people see things. It’s like some people can’t see outside of themselves. It’s weird. I thought Beth handled the situation so gracefully. I saw NO issue and I was shocked at other people’s reaction.

Bethenny response to the dreadful birthday party:

I can’t say I’m not happy that the birthday episode is over.

Jason and I cringed when we watched it. I, of course, had a total breakdown, and, yes, I own all of it. It is no secret that I don’t like my birthday, nor do I like attention in that way. That, combined with an overloaded work schedule and sleep deprivation, didn’t help any.

I’m a complicated gal, and I own, but don’t love, every bit of it. Jason has his way of celebrating birthdays and I respect that. When his 40th comes this year, we will go all out. I don’t think he fully understood that I REALLY didn’t want bells and whistles. I could never blame him for that. I rarely blame others for things. I beat myself up pretty good for everything.

I don’t think she should beat herself up at all for not wanting a big birthday! Argh.

On the other hand if someone put me in that position, I would kill them. There wouldn’t be a birthday party next year for sure. I’ve never had a birthday party. I’ve never even had a cake. I would not enjoy it at all. I would be so awkward. I would probably stay for 5 minutes and leave. And then never talk to the nitwit who put me on the spot.

I don’t understand how someone can be married to someone and not know to not surprise them. He knows she has issues about her birthday. I don’t know Jason at all but he doesn’t seem empathetic AT ALL. I just kept wondering, “How could he not know?” I’m sure they will be fine but I could not be married to someone who couldn’t understand something SO SIMPLE.

1. No surprises.
2. Don’t ever put me on the spot in public.
3. I hate my birthday.

Is that really that hard to understand? Oh and no, I don’t really hate my birthday. Last year I went to NYC on my birthday. This year nothing much will happen. Nothing compared to New York. I’m thinking about either going to a bed and breakfast near my house OR going to a cabin at a national park. (IF the national parks are open…) My mom is going to take me out for breakfast at a chain restaurant. <–totally my style. I'm not picky about breakfast food.

So my birthday will be "eh". At least I managed to get the day off. 🙂