Me, Myself, and Time

Update on Abilify: I’m still yawning all the time…especially at work. But I don’t come home and crash from exhaustion anymore. In fact, I could be getting stuff done. 😉 I take power cat naps instead. They are awesome. However, I’m still not motivated when it comes to school. I’m doing homework but I’m not studying much. I am reading for fun instead of studying. Great.

I do have more energy. Example: On most Sundays, I would get up after noon. Sometimes it would be 2PM! That has only been happening since the semi-major depression. (a year or two??) Now I’m getting up at 8AM on the weekends. WOW. That is my old life. A life I thought was gone forever.

I guess this is good but I have to adjust. It really seems like it happened overnight.

I am trying to adjust to my new life…and not fall into my old ADD patterns. Even before I’d had any changes, I was going on and on to my therapist about what I would be doing this summer. She was like “Woah! Don’t try to do too many things or you’ll get overwhelmed.” Well that is the story of my life. I have so many interests. Let me back up. All of these plans are not interests. I talked about taking a cooking class (could be fun but I don’t see cooking as a fun thing – well may be some baking). I mentioned seeing a financial adviser because I really want to get out of my house. That is not fun. That is scary. Worst case scenario: I’m stuck because I don’t make enough money/my house won’t sell.

I’m still planning on taking the cooking class. They did a local TV spot on them and now their classes are selling out. A year ago, I NEVER saw a sell out on their calendar so I have to register within the next few weeks. I’m definitely at least taking the crochet classes even though I’m more interested in jewelry making. (There wasn’t a schedule for that so I have to go back and leave my name and number with the cashier).

So that is 3 enjoyable classes AKA no grades!!!! FUN. Interesting. YAY. 🙂

But that’s not all. I’m going to learn how to use mulch on my lawn. I’m going to the dentist in May even though I haven’t called to make the appointment. OMG, my stomach just flipped. I’m not scared of getting my teeth cleaned. I’m scared of the X-rays. I always gag on those things. And to make matters worse…I googled “going to the dentist without getting X-rays done”. Guess what? A dentist said this is a liability issue! Can I sign away my rights? Heh. Shouldn’t I be able to get my teeth cleaned without X-rays? I’m dumbfounded. Trust me I will be high on Ativan. I don’t usually take it (makes me sleepy) but I’m taking 3 times the amount I was prescribed just to go to the dentist.

If I have to have Xrays…this is going to suck. I may not go through with it. I gag. What am I suppose to do. Be put to sleep? They do that to kids sometimes* but I don’t know how that is done so…

*There was a recent story about a boy under 5 years old who died from the anesthesia. He had a dental issue and they put him under. It wasn’t a necessary dental procedure. I feel so bad for the mom. Can you imagine her pain? I can’t.

Just reading this screams “ADD” to me. AND I’m also thinking about going to grad school (only if my job pays, I would not consider it otherwise). LOL. At this point I’m either getting a PHD in psychology – educational or a Master’s in Fine Arts (MFA) with a concentration in jewelry making. To get the MFA, I have to set up a portfolio of at least 12 items I’ve made in the past two years. So I need to make about….12 items. LOL. And they have to be good. Promising. Show talent. I also probably need letters of recommendations (ick!) and some test. Obviously to get a PHD, I need the recommendations, to take the GRE and have an interview. The MFA might require an interview also.

I know all this seems nuts. Or to me it does. But it will take me at least one year to have 12 items. As I’ve said, I already have the basics of jewelry making down but none of that is good enough for a MFA. I can make and have sold my leather necklaces and that is pretty much it. So I would need to take as many “fun” classes as I can and hone my craft. I don’t even know if I have the talent.

The PHD just seems daunting. I would only take one class a semester. Note: Don’t tell the school that when I’m interviewed.

I don’t know. I’ve always wanted to do research not teach– animal research. No matter the research a PHD is required to do your own thing. See? I’m fucking OOC.

OOC =out of control.

Catherine & Demi
on stands now

I’m very proud of Demi Lovato and Catherine Zeta Jones for admitting they have bipolar disorder. How long before the public thinks bipolar disorder doesn’t exist because “all of a sudden these celebrities are coming out”. Call me cynical. Whatever. I hope they deal with it okay. It isn’t easy. From what I’ve read, Demi seems so relieved to know that she has a diagnosis. I can relate.

Angel (The Prelude)

here I am
walking on this narrow road.
Wobbling but won’t let go.
Waiting for a glimpse of the suns glow.

Here’s the thing:

I don’t know if Avon is where I should be putting my energy…but I don’t have anywhere else to currently put my energy. NO, this is not a ‘I’m quitting Avon post.’. I am done with 75% of my Xmas shopping, thanks to Avon so there is no way I’m giving it up. I will keep my account active as long as I have other income coming in because when the social anxiety is gone/lessened, I may decide that Avon is the answer.

The only reason I’m thinking of Avon is because I’m off for the next two days and I was going to pass out one or two brochures to actual humans. *gasp* And then go to a different area/nearby city to toss the remaining brochures. (Toss is a not a bad thing, have I explained this before?) Anyway, then I started thinking about looking the part. The part of AVON. In one meeting a woman said, “You can’t look like a hobo and sell.”

That actually stung even though 50-70 people were in the room. I am not a fashionista. I don’t have the desire to be one. I admire fashion but I wouldn’t actually invest in it. As far as make up goes well I do have one thing of foundation. I have worn it to work once. I have very sensitive skin so I’m not really into to playing with it and I don’t have time in the morning for makeup. The one day I wore makeup was because I woke up 20 minutes early and couldn’t go back to sleep.

And, um people (initials TT) have made the comment: I wouldn’t buy Avon from her. TT, I do have one customer at work who is smart enough to know that I’m not into ALL Avon products. I would have every piece of jewelry though if I had no self control. Instead I have 2 necklace sets that I love to death. What if the person doesn’t have the money to spend on products for herself? Don’t look at me, it’s allll about you. It’s like the people who look at houses and say, “ugh, I don’t like the decor, furniture”. UM YOU WILL GET THE HOUSE EMPTY, %^%*HEAD. Focus on the foundation. What a concept??! Oops did I just go off? Sorry, I hate that. THINK people.

I’m going off on tangents: My point is, I have two days off from work. Thank the universe. Do I want to “do” Avon on those days? I have to clean because I’m having my house insulated (cost: $300). I have to stop eating quick, microwavable food like I have for the past few weeks and actually cook. *groan*. etc. etc. And I wanted to go to school in January (another $300) so UGHHHHHHH!

I’m overwhelmed. School and insulating my house are smart things, right? lol. I have to do those things, don’t I?

This is supposed to be about energy. The thing is, my job is stressful (to me) and I am overwhelmed with everything so if I don’t do Avon, what do I do? Right now…probably nothing. Everything is work and I should be focused on my house. I do everything in the living room. And it has gotten messy again.

Sigh, another online entry about nothing. I’ll be back with another entry with content…later. This entry started because I was thinking about one of my favorite books of all time Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers but I didn’t even touch the subject.

SEND.