I’ve been sleepwalking, dreamstalking

I had a dream for 20 minutes. It is now over. I was going to culinary school in the spring. I wasn’t going to tell anyone. I had the program picked out. I researched the program a little more and then I realized that it would not be possible. The main class is from 7AM – 10AM every Tuesday. And the second part is at right after. I can’t go to work and school like that!!!

I have a job where I have to be there everyday or on PTO. I can’t do like my mom and work 40 hours in 4 days for example. It would take a loooong time finishing culinary school that way but at least it is an option. Oh well. Dammit.

It could have been great. I would be getting out of the house. I would be around people. AND working towards a goal. Also this could work for me personally and professionally.  😦 Sucks. This wasn’t the first time I thought about it but this was the first time I was sure.

I know culinary school is tough from the research I did the first time I was interested.


I had my blood pressure, cholesterol, glucose levels etc. checked for free today.  Blood pressure and glucose levels = great. My total cholesterol was high though. I’m not going to stop eating eggs! lol. I eat them almost everyday. My weight was 135 but they subtracted 3 pounds for clothes. um, woohoo? Not really.

Short entry. I’m going to exercise and then I will clean my kitchen. I have a thrift store post coming up. I went a few weeks ago and I want to show off my clothes. 🙂

The freedom song

What is the point of making plans? Ha. It looks like I’m not going to Duke University this summer but I hope to go somewhere even better…the beach in North Carolina. It isn’t up to me so I’m just hoping this happens. I’m tagging along with someone.

I am a plant person. I used to garden. I even have a horticulture certificate from high school. I haven’t been able to have plants since I adopted a cat. But I had to give her up 😦 Now I can have a mini greenhouse. It is very tiny because I don’t have enough room. Any greenery is good.

Here is my new mini-greenhouse:


The plant in the blue pots are lucky bamboos. They originate from Africa. I’ve never had bamboo before. As long as I remember to change the water, they should be fine. I brought them because I need luck and they are so pretty. 🙂

I am going to party on this birthday vacation. You would think I’m turning 21 with all the alcohol I brought. Yes, I got carded…and I spent too much $. I want to mix my own drinks. I even brought my first cocktail shaker.

blame it on the alcohol

Have I mentioned that I’m not a drinker? I hate beer. I drink wine about 10 times a year. I’m sick of wine. I only got tipsy once. So I decided to try some hardcore stuff. The vodka, grenadine syrup, and pineapple juice are not pictured. In the picture I have Skinnygirl Pina Colada (not going on the trip – I’m trying that tonight), piña colada mix, 2 small bottles of rum, and red apple liqueur. I’m making Bikini Martini and Malibu Bay Breeze. I’m also going to try mixing an apple martini. I have never made this stuff before. This should be fun. Yes this is a strange mix of liquids. I don’t know what I’m doing!

Since I’m new to this, I soooo hope I do not get too drunk. The last thing I want to experience is a hangover, especially on a vacation.

I needed someone to tell me that my dreams weren’t totally crazy. Only two people know about my dream of buying my house in the country. One said, “Go for it”. The other person was more practical. “What about gas prices? Is it probably better to move to the country when you retire”. I like practical.

Then I read the articles/websites on noise anxiety. One writer recommended a move to the country. I don’t know why it validated my decision but it did! I needed a 3rd unknown party to tell me it was okay to move to the country because I can’t function like a normal person in the noisy city. THANK YOU.

Choose an environment that’s right for you. If you are considering buying a house or moving there are a lot of factors to consider before you settle on the right place. Choosing the right location can be even more important for someone who suffers from noise anxiety. Consider the environment and how well you will adapt. For instance, if you suffer from noise anxiety you may be happier and healthier living in the country rather than choosing a place in a large city. That’s something you will want to consider when choosing a place to live.


Healthy. I want to be healthy. I want to live a full life. What a novel concept. (I know living in the country does not equal happiness. I just know what it is like to fill comfortable in my own home. Life is better that way. I haven’t had that in YEARS. It doesn’t bring happiness but it can make my life more livable). It still doesn’t make it any easier to actually fulfill this craaaaazy dream but I’m definitely more committed to it now than I was before reading that website. I’m not going to start searching for homes again…for now. I still have to sell my house. I hope to get a realtor to my house sometime in June.

How did I get stuck in the house I’m trying to sell? NOISE! I was sleeping in my car because I couldn’t stand the apartment noise. I just got fed up, paid off the rental company (with credit cards) and brought a house. I felt like I had no choice. In hindsight, I should have kept sleeping in my car and being paralyzed during the day before buying a house. I don’t know. What was I supposed to do? I have no idea. There was no way for me to know the house situation would have ended like it did. So……..ugh.

I don’t know which is worse social anxiety or this noise issue. The noise anxiety has made me to CRAZY things…not just buying a house in one day but other things too. On the other hand, social anxiety affects getting a job so SA wins. But I feel like it is a tie.

On Monday I’m off to the beach. I will probably upload pics from there…if I’m not too drunk. 😉

the wanderer

Maybe it is just me but it seems like everything is geared towards creative people. There are right brained people, left brained people, mixed people and maybe people who need a class? I’m torn. I just know that my life sucks. It’s like I woke up one day and realized it but surely, I’ve known this all along?? Hello, it is pretty obvious.

My sister makes short films and she travels the world. THE WORLD. She has been everywhere but Antarctica. (Side note: I’ve been obsessed with Antarctica from a young age…even though I hate the cold). She is one year older than me yet she has a life.She isn’t rich at all. Far from it. She doesn’t have social anxiety. So realistically it is dumb of me to even compare myself to her. I usually don’t compare myself to normal people because I just can’t. So stop. I can’t compare myself to others my age or even teenagers. LOL.

But seeing my sister’s life has inspired me to do…something. Unfortunately I can’t travel for many reasons. That is my ultimate dream. I know a job can be made out of it if you are creative. heh. But to me that is more of a hobby or maybe even a way of life for a lucky few.

I can’t travel the way I want to. (My dream places are Mexico, Greece, Bora Bora and San Francisco – in that order). But maybe I can….

Take a class! Oh fuck. Yeah, that isn’t ideal. A fun class. I have narrowed it down to a sewing class or a jewelry making class. The class is from 6:30-9 once a week. (Hate those hours – it better be fun). The cost is about $250 with materials. Sigh. I’m leaning towards metal jewelry making for the winter semester since I used to do that years ago. And I’m obsessed with jewelry. I would love to take the beginner’s sewing class one day.

However, if I suck at this jewelry making class – I’m done with this creative BS. DONE. Maybe I’m just meant to enjoy the arts not make stuff. I can’t imagine what takes 8 weeks to learn*. I hope I get to make more than one piece for all that time i put it in. But this is METAL jewelry making. So it is probably pretty cool. They offer a lot of classes but if I start thinking – lol- I will never make a choice.

*After researching metal jewelry making a little more, I can see why a lot of time is needed. I’m nervous about using some of those tools.

I’m supposed to be saving money. No more feather earrings, that’s for sure. 🙂 Plus I am taking a “real” class next semester. The money is due the first week of December. Thank g-d, it is only 2 credits. And that’s not all. There is an exercise class I want to take too. It is at another place. It costs about $200. Ouch! ………..

But am I a work all week and on Mondays do jewelry making all evening and then on Thursday do yoga once a week for about 90 minutes and then have a “real class” to deal with type of person??? I’m a homebody. I’m not used to being out of the house that much. On the weekends, I’m not going to want to go anywhere if I do all that but I will have to work OT if it is available.

I’m trying to not focus on how much all this will cost. I’m working OT this weekend and on “Black Friday”. And no, I will not be in a store on that Friday. But shhhh! I will be on Amazon.com to see if Dexter season 3 goes on sale. I will die DIE if it is $10. I will be forced to buy it. 😉

I’m just rambling aloud. Is class after class the life I want? That may be the only way I can find my passion. I just hate that it costs so much. Others just know and don’t have to go through all this. But it is supposed to be FUN. And it might be. I don’t know.

Well I’m going to take a nap and then I have a ton of school work to do. I’m behind for the first time this semester. Ick.

the great indoors

I’m selling tomorrow. If it doesn’t go well, I won’t die. Spiritually. I probably will be bored enough to live tweet. I hope to get their @ 5:30am. People won’t show up until 8. lol. No more than 5 tweets during the sale. Check the sidebar. (Btw, I don’t read my replies. I text from my phone. And the purpose is to simply add to this blog. I checked once and never will again. If I read my @’s I will probably stop tweeting. See my logic: Don’t let people take something away from you by not acknowledging it).

Saturday is supposed to be my internet free day. I need to do it twice a week. It is only difficult when I’m selling on ebay. People have asked questions and I’ve taken more than a day to answer. Since I’m selling in person, I’m taking a break from ebay. Sometimes I wonder if my infrequent selling on ebay affects any possible success. In the past year I’ve only been selling in one category and have gotten descriptive, great feedback. I could probably make more money.


I’m really trying to get over the anger. I’m not always angry as I am perceived to be. I just don’t want it to be conditional. I hate spitefulness. Hate it. I don’t want to hate anything.

Sigh. No deep thoughts tonight. Too tired. I’ll do it in my paper journal tomorrow.

It’s just that I know I’m very blessed and lucky to have this job. I do know (sorta) that the universe looked out for me. Just this time. 🙂 Without the universe, I’d be living at home with my mom. More pissed. More depressed.

I know people with a less severe social anxiety then me and they don’t have jobs. They live with their parents and have never left. (I attribute this to them being more depressed and maybe a touch agoraphobic). I was going to “succeed” despite of my social anxiety. To the average American, my life is far from a success if you judge it by how much money you make, where you live, having 2.5 kids, the white picket fence, & the significant other. Oh and the car, the vacations (not even a time share *gasp*) etc.

But I was never driven by money. I have an inner drive…or I used to. It isn’t there now. The denials/rejections tore me down. I have always been sensitive to that. I just wanted a job and a place to live. I should have dreamed bigger with the place to live. At the time I was desperate and I’m still paying for that. As far as a job, not being a friendly outspoken person I can’t be picky. So…it is what it is. I don’t hate my work. I like it. If it weren’t for fear of making mistakes I could love my actual job. NOT the office situation. That is another catergory.

It isn’t about them. It is people in general. I guess I do want more in a job. A job where I can work at home would be awesome. What I do is done at home probably 30% of the time so there is hope. I do dream of that.

I still have dreams and desires. Some won’t come to fruition due to my fear of people. I’ve given up on those.

Universe, thank you so much for this job. Help me *feel* grateful at work. I am very humble about my job. Universe, help me *show* it.