Find the courage to start over

**************BREAKING NEWS************** I am now off Abilify. I’m taking at least a two-week break because that is when I’m going to the doctor. I’ve been off Abilify for 3 days now. Don’t be shocked if I start blogging about suicide. I sincerely hope that doesn’t happen. I hope I don’t get depressed like I did last time I went off the drug. I also couldn’t eat until after 10AM last time.

Note to self: The last day I took Abilify was on Tuesday, November 28th.

I have an appointment on December 14th with my OB/GYN. I’m going to tell the doctor that Depo-Provera isn’t working for me. Last time she suggested adding another birth control to the DP (!!). But maybe I can switch to something totally different. Whatever works.

I just got back from my final dog training lesson. LOL. I’m not sure it was worth $200. This lesson lasted only 20 minutes (!!) because we couldn’t find any dogs. Well, we did find one owner with two dogs, and I was able to keep my dog from reacting. However, the problem is that the park I go to has narrow trails. I HAVE TO pass dogs in narrow spots, so I think this was a waste of money. Of course he is going to react to a dog that is very close to him.

I’m going to keep on trying though. It is so frustrating to consistently fail at something though. I may just give up one day. But for now, I’m going to keep on using the slip lead whenever we go to the park.

UGH! I was so sloppy with the job thing I mentioned in my last entry. I sent a bad cover letter just because I wanted to respond. Not a good idea. What if I really want to work for this company one day? Sloppy!! WTF was I thinking? I shouldn’t have responded at all. But I had this silly idea of “if it’s meant to be…” ugh! I’m disappointed in myself, to say the least.

On a better note, I watched Gabby Bernstein’s live stream last night and OMG I felt like I could conquer the world. I have to build on that. I did sign up for her new Judgement Detox course. Between Gabby Berstein and Marianne Williamson, I should be ready for the new year.

My issues are do I want to leave my job? Move?  I do want to move somewhere where snow isn’t an option. I love where I live (most of the time), but I hate the winter, and sometimes we get snow. I don’t like snow. I don’t want to deal with it. I need green pastures and warm weather. All. The. Time. 🙂

I have so many ideas. I wrote some of them down, and I probably will share them once I finish. I can live here and be content. Winter isn’t that bad. There are more important things like do I want to give up working from home for an office job or an outdoors job? I love working at home. Love it. I am willing to give it up for a job I feel passionate about.

Gabby inspired me so much last night. I could go on and on about all the ideas I have. I think my main thing is to concentrate on is a budget. In fact, I’m working on a budget for December tonight in my new binder. 😉

This week I…

Music of the week (my top 8): Ke$ha, Paramore, Lorde, Pink, Shawn Mendes, Demi Lovato, Kelsea Ballerini, Kelly Clarkson

TV of the week: basketball, news, RHOA, Survivor

Movie of the week: None

Podcasts of the week:  True Crime Garage, All In With Chris Hayes, The Rachel Maddow Show, Fresh Air, Wrongful Conviction (<–awesome podcast)

Books of the week: I’m focusing on reading What Happened by Hillary Rodham Clinton (great read and I’m not the biggest HRC supporter), Only Love Can Break Your Heart by Ed Tarkington and Be the Pack Leader: Use Cesar’s Way to Transform Your Dog and Your Life by Cesar Millan. I only have two days left to read Clinton’s book before it expires. 😦 I don’t think I’m going to finish.

Planner update: Plans of the week in my Get To Work Book

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Plans for the Weekend: If I didn’t have packages to pick up from my mom, I wouldn’t have to drive anywhere this weekend. I don’t mind going to my mom’s house though. I’m off next Wednesday. I wish I was staying home, but I’m doing December 25th shopping. I just want to get it out of the way on a weekday when it won’t be so crowded.

The most important thing is that I have a test on Sunday morning. I have been delaying this test for weeks because I haven’t felt ready, but now I’m going to try to tackle it. On Saturday, I’m studying all day. What fun.

Tonight I’m taking a night off from studying since I had to go to dog training. I’m going to work on my budget and work on Gabby Berstein’s Judgement Detox course. She has a lot of worksheets I need to print out, so that is what I’ll be doing so I can just do the course without interruptions.

Have a great weekend! Thanks so much for reading. 🙂

Miss independent and avoidant

OMG! The damn school kids are back at the park. I think I’m going to go to the park after work even though that messes up my schedule. Anything to avoid the kids. I’m the queen of avoidance. I know they are doing field trips there for a decent reason. Yes, it is nice that the kids get to enjoy the park. But there are much nicer parks than the one in my neighborhood. I think they are taking in the elementary school from the city. That could take a while. We have a lot of elementary schools.

If they weren’t blocking the one and only neighborhood entrance, this wouldn’t be a big deal, but I have my dog with me. He has to pass the kids. Blah, blah, blah. I can’t wait until it’s over.

For #GivingTuesday, I donated to St. Judes. I had planned to donate to The Innocence Project a cause I care deeply about. They do so much good work. I will donate to them soon.

I supported Small Business Saturday through Etsy shops. I did participate in Cyber Monday. I don’t even like Old Navy. I think their clothes suck (or used to think that). But they had 50% off EVERYTHING. Who else did that? So I ordered my mom and sister something for December 25th. I also bought myself a scarf. I will finish my shopping for gift exchange day on December 6th. I’m off from work that day.

The dog training is not going well AT ALL. Did I just waste $200??! WTF? Not good. I think my dog is too reactive and nothing might work on him. It could be 100% me, though. I can’t concentrate on everything she is saying while I’m so nervous. The next and last class is on Friday evening. I don’t even want to go, but maybe there is a chance this training could work. I couldn’t find much online, so I’m pretty much on my own.

Sigh. I’m always on my own. Some people are too dependent on others. I’m too independent.

Well, I have to get back to studying. I was supposed to apply for a job. Someone reached out to me. The pay would be better, but I honestly don’t feel like responding today. I’ll probably respond tomorrow. It might be too late. Whatever. I’m not motivated to change jobs right now. And I’m really not motivated to go on an interview.

You don’t like me today

Countdown

33 days until Marianne’s New Year retreat

43 days until I get to see Marianne speak in person (!!)

We just got through part I of the private dog training. Um, help? I need to get on YouTube quick or just search the net so I can get better before our next meeting on this upcoming Friday. She kept telling me to relax. Honey, I cannot relax around people I don’t know. I don’t know you. I don’t know strangers at the park. Yes, that is part of the problem because my dog notices I am tense (only when other people or dogs are around) and he tenses up. I took two Klonopin for the training which is something I rarely do. What more do you want me to do?

Anyway, I’m going to practice walking my dog all week the way she taught me. With the help of the internet, I hope to have it down by next Friday. If there is nothing on the net, I might be in trouble. I had to pay the $200 up front, and my heart broke a little. Lol. We are going to meet somewhere other than my house next week. I’m a little nervous about that because there will definitely be more dogs.

The trainer said my homework was to relax. Sigh. Btw, I really do like her. She’s a great trainer. I hope it doesn’t come across that I dislike her or anything. I just get annoyed at the “just relax” comments because I get them all the time.

I went to Michaels on Thanksgiving. It was kind of a disappointment. I only went because they opened up the store for reward members one hour early.  I hadn’t been to Michaels (one of my favorite stores) since May. I forgot that they would have all these Christmas decorations out, so that doesn’t leave room for random things like gifts. Blah. I did buy my mom one gift from my dog. Haha. But other than that I just bought a few things for me.

I bought myself a big ass coffee mug. I LOVE mugs. I can’t have enough of them especially after I got my Keurig coffee maker. What else did I buy? Wrapping paper and bible highlighters. No, I don’t highlight a bible. But the pages in A Course in Miracles are just as thin as a bible. I don’t normally wrap presents. I just started doing it last year after stopping for years. I usually throw things in a gift bag because I suck at wrapping things.

So Michaels was very blah. At least next year I know not to go there expecting cute gifts for others. I didn’t go anywhere else (or online) for Black Friday deals. I didn’t even have fun looking at things because people had shopping carts. I needed a cart since I had the wrapping paper, but I knew that wouldn’t work. It would only get in the way of others. Other people just don’t care. I was in a row, and a lady was about to steamroll me down with her cart to get by. Sigh. I just went to another aisle. All I was doing was staring at planner stuff I don’t need anyway. 😉

This week I…

Music of the week (my top 8): Shawn Mendes, Ed Sheeran, Sam Smith, John Mayer, Tim McGraw, Ke$ha, Nelly Furtado, Mary J. Blige

TV of the week: basketball, news, RHOA, Survivor

Movie of the week: None

Podcasts of the week: Accused, The Thrive Global Podcast, True Crime Garage, TED Talks Daily

Books of the week: I almost finished Truly Madly Guilty by Liane Moriarty. That book was at least 50 pages too long. I made it about 75% through before I had to return it to the library. I would have given it 3 stars if I had finished. I skipped to the ending to make sure I didn’t miss anything. Why did she have to drag it on so long? It wasn’t a horrible story. Just too long.

I finished reading Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone by Brene Brown. Excellent book. 5 stars. A must read. This book is my favorite Brene Brown book. I think I’ve read all her books. This is a very timely book about many things including how we dehumanize others. For example, Democrats like to make Republicans seem like the devil, and it goes the other way around too.  Not good. Obvs. We are more than our political beliefs.

Now reading:

Planner update: Plans of the week in my Erin Condren Planner (coming Sunday)

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Plans for the Weekend: How boring can I be? I don’t have any major plans. I do plan to have fun with some things I shouldn’t have ordered. Lol. I’m making myself two notebooks/binders from scratch (sorta), and I bought a bunch of stuff to make the notebooks. One for home and one to carry in my purse. #NerdAlert I can’t tell you how much I’m looking forward to creating these notebooks/binders. That is how I get my fun. I just hope it works out because I spent too much. :/

Regardless I’m going to make it work.  I just want a place for notes, my budget and all my important papers in one place. I’m going grocery shopping again on Saturday. I don’t know if this is a good idea, but whatever. I should have tried to get everything last week. Ugh. Sunday I get to stay in all day. Well, there is always the park where I get to practice my new dog walking skills.

I just got all the things I ordered for my binders. I have finished studying for today, so I’m going to work on my binders now. Fun times. Thanks for reading. Have a fun weekend! 🙂

I just want it to be over

Um, okay. I don’t know what to think. We just finished the free in-house dog training consultation. Basically, it’s all up to me and I know that. But I also hate that. What if I pay all this money for training and I don’t follow through?? What if I fall back into old habits?  I always let my dog lead the walks. Bad idea, I know. Sigh.

So the cost is $200 for 3 hours of training. Not bad. That is probably the average price for private training. I think I’m signing up. But I’m not sure. I will probably contact them tomorrow if I decide to go through with it.  I’m still having the doubts I mentioned in my first paragraph.

Decisions. Decisions. When she came in the house, he barked and growled at her for a while. Eventually, he stopped doing that, and we were able to go for a short walk to the park together. We didn’t see any dogs, so the trainer didn’t get to see his reaction to that situation.

Trainer: How long does it take him to warm up to people?

Me (thinking): What people?

lol. He has only warmed up to my mom and most of the time he is okay with Michelle (the Jehovah Witness who sometimes comes by). He is sometimes okay with my dad and other times he barks at him like a madman. So I have no idea how long it takes him to warm up to people.

Today is election day. I voted at my new election place. The new place is nice. It is definitely better than the church. Now I vote at the old library.  It still has the same number of polling machines so no difference there. I’m off from work today, so I voted at 9:30 AM.  I had to wait for about 3 minutes to vote.

I’m nervous about Virginia. The Republicans are amped up to vote. I feel like the Democrats don’t care as much about this race. I’m watching MSNBC now, and it says on the screen “Dems on edge in tightly contested race for Virginia Governer.” Yes, “on edge” describes it perfectly.

I’m going to somehow be calm tonight. AHHHHHHHH! No matter what happens tonight things will be okay. No matter what happens tonight things will be okay. No matter what happens tonight things will be okay.

I’m trying to be zen. 🙂

This week is going to be crazy. I have to work tomorrow. I’m off on Thursday. I have to get my car to the inspection place by 8 AM. Fun times. Sigh. I might wait until after I get my car inspected before I agree to training. That sounds like a good idea. Just in case, I have to pay for car stuff. Blah.

Oh, I didn’t go after Demi Lovato tickets. Well, I did check. I could have gotten a floor seat, but it would have been about 20 rows back. That wasn’t the only problem. I’m not paying $164 for a concert unless I’m up front. All the floor seats were $164. That’s ridiculous. Just because she’s some big name star. SMH. I didn’t pay that much for Janet Jackson or Shania Twain in her prime. Would I pay that much for Justin Timberlake without complaining? Probably. Haha.

Well, I have to go. I do not understand this stuff for my class. I like a challenge, but I have a lot riding on this. So I better get to work. I feel like I’m doing this all by myself and I kind of am. I’m not taking the big exam until September 2018. I’ve got time to learn this. It is a little overwhelming.

Gotta go.

Feeling fine and free

I was going to sign my dog up for training classes. I thought it would be a fun, get out of the house type of thing to do. All I do is go to the park every day. Other than that, I pretty much stay home Monday through Friday. Plus, I was supposed to do this 2 years ago to build my dog’s confidence. I just never did it.

However, my dog barks at other dogs he sees at the park. So how could he be in a training class with other dogs? I emailed a training school just to make sure. She said private training was best. That’s what I’m doing. Someone is coming to my house on Tuesday (election day) to do a free consultation. I’m nervous because my dog doesn’t like strangers on his territory. He will bark the whole time. So how are we supposed to talk? I might have to leave him outside during parts of the consultation.

My dog is well behaved at some places like the vet or Petsmart, but he will not tolerate people in the yard or in his my house. And like I’ve already mentioned he misbehaves around other dogs at the park. I’m nervous about the cost. Private training in my house??? Uh, that could be expensive. I would rather go someplace than have the trainer come here, but they don’t do that.

Private training for 1 hour at a place near me is $60 per hour. That is the cost of going to the location. That place doesn’t do in-house training. So I’m assuming that is the least it will cost. The place I choose says they can train a dog to walk properly in 2 hours. I’m hoping 1.) it will work and 2.) it won’t be terribly expensive. If it is too expensive, I will probably try the $60 place near me.

SO…I probably won’t go after Demi Lovato tickets tomorrow. Private dog training, Demi concert and I would like to still go to Kripalu*. I have to cut something, and it will probably be Demi. If I can get a ticket in the first 8 rows, I probably will purchase it. The chances of that happening are very slim. I love Demi, but she’s not one of my top 10 favorite musicians or anything. I just thought it would be fun to go see Demi in DC.

If I do get a ticket, I will update this entry.

*About Kripalu, I have no idea whether Gabby Berstein will hold her workshop there next summer. It is 8 months away. Right now she is focusing on her new book that I’ve already preordered. The book comes out January 2. Anyway, I don’t know whether I can afford to go. I’ve added up everything and the price is almost what it cost me to go to Mexico! sigh. The issue is that I will only go if I have a private room which costs a ton. If I’m going to be around people all day at the workshop and in the cafeteria, I want my own private room to decompress.

I still want to go, but I want to be financially smart too.

This week I…

Music of the week (my top 8): Kelly Clarkson, Demi Lovato, Pink, Marren Morris, Carrie Underwood, Michelle Branch, Mariah Carey, Ariana Grande

The new Pink album is really good. I also like the new Kelly Clarkson, but Pink tops that.

TV of the week: basketball, news, RHONJ

Movie of the week: None

Podcasts of the week: Accused, Mental Illness Happy Hour, Missing Maura Murray

I have listened to the Mental Illness Happy Hour for years. I usually listen to it on Friday nights as I fall asleep.  I just started listening to Accused (#late). I’m not sure I like it. I like my true crime recent. I don’t like cold cases as much. I will probably give it one more episode before I give up.

Books of the week: I finished reading The Goddess: A Novel by Swan Huntley. Um, I gave it 3 stars. That is the lowest rating I have given a book this year. I usually don’t finish 3-star books because I have so many books I want to read, so why waste time on an average book?  The book starts off great, but I guessed the ending very early on. I dunno. It was okay enough for me to finish.

Now focusing on reading:

Planner update: Plans of the week in my Erin Condren

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I have a new planner! I’m using the Get To Work Book for a couple of weeks in 2017 and all of 2018. That means no more stickers. 😦  I love planning with stickers. It is my only creative outlet these days (sad, but true). And it relaxes me. I will still post my planner here and on Instagram, but it will look pretty boring. I’ve been eyeing the GTWB since it has been on the market and I finally decided that is all I need. I’m not spending any more money on stickers even though I use mostly printable stickers so I’m not spending a ton. I can easily go back to my Erin Condren if I want to use stickers for a week or two.

Plans for the Weekend: This isn’t really weekend related but I’m off from work on Tuesday and Thursday of next week. Tuesday is election day, and the day the dog trainer is coming to my house. This weekend I will clean up for the trainer. I don’t have a lot to clean up since I’ve been trying to tidy up as I go, but I hate cleaning.

I’m going grocery shopping on Saturday, and I have a test on Sunday morning. That is all I have planned. I get to play in my new planner!!  🙂 I’m so excited to get it on Saturday. It is at my mom’s house. I send all my bigger packages there.

I gotta go cook food for the rest of this week and next week. Thanks for reading! Have a nice weekend. 🙂