Don’t change a thing

I went to an urgent care center on Friday. Thank Budda for them! I would’ve gone to the ER otherwise. I rarely go to the doctor. I don’t believe in going to the doctor for a cold. (It might be different for kids). A cold is a cold. It will pass in time. There isn’t a cure for it.

Anyway, I’ve had a stuffy nose for over a month. Sometimes I can’t breathe. I’ve been taking Afrin for 3 weeks because that was the only thing that worked. That was part of the problem. I used too much Afrin according to the doctor. My nose (nasal passage) is now messed up. 😦

I didn’t know taking too much nasal spray was a thing. It is. Most people seem to take it WAY more than 3 weeks for it to cause a problem, though. Maybe my nose isn’t too messed up? Hopefully.

He gave me medicine. I am also taking Sudafed. I just hope I’m cured before I run out of the medicine the doctor gave me. I don’t think the Sudafed by itself is going to work, but I’ll try it. I don’t want to have to go back to the urgent care center.

After I got back from the center, I thought I was going to have to go to the ER. I took the prescribed  medicine and I still  couldn’t breathe. I’d already been to the urgent care center. Where else could I go? But I decided to try the saline mist spray (It’s drug-free so it’s safe) one more time and it worked! I was shocked because it didn’t work before.

Now I feel better. I’m still congested, but I can breathe.  I went to the free gym this morning. I desperately needed a workout.  No one was in the gym. I had the whole big gym to myself! It was just me and Ellie Goulding 🙂  I did weight lifting. I walked a mile on the treadmill and did one mile on the bike. I probably would’ve done more if I felt better.

Oh! I’m also pre-hypertensive. Boo. The doctor gave me a list of things to do/not do. I  already do everything on that list except one thing…exercise for 30 minutes a day. haha. When I used to work in the office, I would climb the stairs during breaks for exercise. Now I’m definitely more sedentary. I don’t want to have high blood pressure. My mom has it so I think it could be genetic. I’m not eating too much salt or doing any of the bad stuff.

Yeah, I could exercise more. I was planning to cancel my paid gym membership next week. I just hate the crowds. I can still use the free gym. I’m beginning to wish I had my own treadmill. Something to think about…

My 2 cheat days are over. I am never doing that again. It was too much. I probably gained a couple of pounds. Since I love sweets so much, I think I’m just going to have dessert on future cheat days. I don’t know. I still have to go to McDonalds one of these days. Now I’m back on the grind. Eating between 1200 and 1500 calories a day.

Despite having to go to the doctor and working almost during the whole holiday, I had a great “break”. There was less pressure. Less stress. Let’s see how Monday goes. lol.

———

I’d never cared much how I looked, why should I start now? Besides, I had no energy to waste on my exterior, when so much of my focus was on the barely managed chaos inside my head.

Quote from Elyn Saks. That is how I’ve felt most of my life. Now I still won’t wear makeup, but I’m not so caught up in the chaos. It’s not as intense. I remember seeing myself one day. It was about 7 years ago. I looked like crap. So tired and just not there. I was so focused on getting through the day that I never even looked at myself in the mirror. (Yes, I wash my face, brush my teeth  etc. without looking at myself).

——–

Instead of updating my last entry, I’m just going to insert my planner layout for the week here:

SAMSUNG CAMERA PICTURES
plans of the week

I sucked at keeping up with plans this week. I mostly worked so nothing else got done. I have to be better next week.

HOLLA!!!!!!!!!11!!!

I had a mammogram today. It didn’t hurt AT ALL. Would I do it without taking Motrin beforehand? Nah, I don’t want to take that chance. I had about 4 x-rays of each breast. I lost count. I went under the machine at least 8 times. The radiologist wanted more x-rays after seeing the first set.  No pain. And I have tiny breasts.

The ultrasound hurt more than the mammogram. Ugh, why do my breasts hurt so much??! Well………………..

At least it is NOT cancer. It is benign! Say what, bitches? BENIGN.

Thank Buddha. Sometimes I want to die, but not by cancer.

I’m relieved. I do not have to get another mammogram for five years. 🙂 Party over here. Yep, I danced when I got home.

Apparently I have a few benign breast calcifications and a few cysts.

I’m going to take a nap. I just wanted to post my results in the most obnoxious way possible. 😉

There’s a little black hole in my golden cup

OMFG!

I could kill the PCP I saw 5 years ago. I’m not sexually active. So why am I getting painful pap smears? THAT’S BULLSHIT. I may never get another one. Why should I? Chances of me getting cervical cancer are extremely low. Yes, it can happen but I’ll take that chance. OMG. I can’t believe I subjected myself to that last week when I didn’t have to…Okay, I’m slightly thankful because she found the lumps in my breasts*.

*I don’t do my own breast exams because I’m scared and I’m a slight hypochondriac. I would feel something there even if it weren’t there. So it isn’t best for me to examine myself.  I thought I had HIV for years when I was a kid.

That PCP could’ve told me that I didn’t have to get regular pap tests. That is why I changed PCPs, btw. I was going in for a regular checkup and she ended up doing the most painful pap test. It was not good.

Anyway…no more OB/GYN visits for me. I will get mammograms…if I must. sigh. I doubt I do them annually, but I will probably go. But no more pap smears. Nah. Don’t need them. Celebrate good times! Who knew there were upsides to being a virgin? That is the BEST thing about it. Score one point for me. Ugh, I can’t believe no one told me this fantastic news.

I guess I should add that a pap smear isn’t painful to non-virgins. It is apparently just ‘uncomfortable’. So carry on.

————

I scheduled the ultrasound and mammogram for Monday. She would have laughed at me if I suggested October 7th. She didn’t want to give me a date 2 weeks out. Due to the breast pain, I do feel I have cancer. But I won’t know until next week. My main concerns involve chemo. Can I drive myself? My mom doesn’t drive. I don’t have friends. How would I get there? Could I still live alone? (I wouldn’t be able to afford it with a pay cut of any kind).

I know this is nuts, but I want to learn about all the alternatives to chemo. Can I do natural treatments with the chemo? I’m 5 minutes away from loading up my Amazon wishlist with books about cancer. Like I said, all of this would be moot if the cancer is incurable. I’m just assuming it is. If it isn’t. I travel. I have fun until I die.

I’m already obsessed and I haven’t even been diagnosed with anything! AHHHHH!

I’m not telling anyone I think it’s cancer. What’s the point? They don’t know about the pain. The pain is right where the masses are. One reason not to tell people after a diagnosis is because they will have an opinion on treatment. What if I don’t want treatment? I will definitely think long and hard about it.

If it sounds like I’m being blase about it, I’m not. My uncle died from colon cancer. He went through chemo. I saw him weeks before he died. I get it.

Gotta go. Today is gonna be a loooong day.

I closed my eyes and slept for years

follow up to my ob/GYN visit post.

Now my breasts hurt. I guess it is because of the way the doctor handled them. Or was the pain always there? My breasts have definitely hurt in the past, but I think that may be normal. I have no idea. I was going to get my mammogram on October 7th, but I just looked at the note again and she said to get a mammogram AND an ultrasound. Great. Now I feel the pressure to do it sooner. I think they are open on Sundays so I’m going for September 13th. I may change my mind. I kind of want to know plus I want to make sure I have health insurance. Since this isn’t a typical preventative screening, it will probably cost me something.

If I have something incurable, I would go to Puerto Vallarta first. Then maybe Greece? I haven’t wanted to go to France until reading more about it. Now that’s on my list. All the possibilities. Would I tell my parents? Not sure. I feel like I would have to, but I wouldn’t want to because I want to travel the world. I won’t be sad. It would be happy times UNLESS I have to undergo some type of radiation/chemo. That changes EVERYTHING. No travel for me. :/ No fun times. That’s serious stuff.

I really feel like I have something bad. I’m rethinking everything. That is one reason why I want to move the date up. I want to know so I can know how to proceed. What’s the point of doing (blank) if I’m not going to be here in a year? I would only do fun stuff. On the other hand, all my other labs come back relatively normal. Is that a sign that there is nothing physically wrong with me?

————

Receptionist: You work at [insert company name]?

Me: Yes

R: We get a lot of people from there. I heard it is a hard place to work.

Me: Yes, it is.

The pressure is horrible and it is only getting worse. And my department happens to be known as the worst (because it is the hardest).  I really can’t expand on this without revealing what industry I work in so I’ll just leave at that.

—————

OB/GYN: So you’re not sexually active?

Me: No

OB/GYN: Have you ever been sexually active?

Me: No

OB/GYN: So there is no need to talk about birth control?

Me: No

She was very professional about it, unlike others. “You haven’t had sex with women either??!” Yep, I got that once.

————

PLEASE STOP WATCHING FOOTBALL. I used to LOVE football, but I gave it up about 2 years ago due to the injuries. A high school player just died in Louisiana. Please boycott. It isn’t safe. We shouldn’t be watching REAL violence for entertainment purposes. It is deadly. (suicide, early deaths etc.) If enough people stop watching, it will go away. At least people are more aware now. They aren’t letting their kids play football, BUT they are still watching. Sigh. If I can stop watching, anyone can. Football was my life. I arranged all my plans around the football schedule. It pains me to not watch college football this year. Pains me. But I know I’m doing the right thing. I would love nothing more than to watch football right now. (Well, actually I’m watching the U.S. Open right now and that has been very entertaining).

How many people must die for people to get it?

————

Why do people care what other people do with their life if it isn’t personally hurting them? It’s like the gay marriage thing. If you don’t like it, don’t get married to someone of your own sex. How is that hurting someone else? I can do whatever with my life since I have no dependents. It rarely affects someone else. So why do they care? I could sleep all day and not hurt anyone (except myself if I don’t work). Well, I do have pets so…but youknowwhatImean. No kids. I don’t have the responsibility of raising a good human being. THANK BUDDHA.

I can do whatever I want with MY life. I think I’ll wait to die some more….because I can. 🙂 Serious side note: I’m not really just sitting waiting to die, but some people think that. That is why I say “different definitions of living”. Because people are different (breaking news to some).

all that we could do with this emotion

Oh god. The universe misread my wish. Sort of. I had my first OB/GYN experience today. I have TWO cysts/lumps in my breasts. One in each one. Fuck. No, that’s not the bad news. The bad news is that I have to get a mammogram. Fuck me. NO. I don’t wanna. A mammogram is almost as scary as a pap smear to me. But nothing can be as painful as a pap smear, right? I don’t want a machine touching my breasts. I almost died having her touch them.

I don’t know what I’m going to do. I could ignore it. I’m not scared of dying. Death is a gift. So why get the mammogram? Well, I guess I would rather know if I had cancer and was dying. Isn’t that the point? I have to know I’m dying so I can do whatever I want. If I just keel over tomorrow, what’s the point? I need to know I’m dying. That makes sense (in my mind). I’m off for 3 days in October. I may delay it until then. That’s the plan for now.

After the breast check and pap smear (in that order), I was crying. Not bawling but tears were coming down my face. She asked whether everything was alright. UM, you just told me I have to get something I never wanted to get done done. AND you stuck something up my vagina and it hurt. So no, I’m not okay. Thanks for asking.

Yes, I did ask the universe for some intervention for death….However, I assumed the universe knew I wanted a bad pap smear result not breasts issues. I thought I made that clear. What can I do? I really don’t want to get a mammogram. Have I said that? I do want to make that clear.

One more thing: I have never done a breast exam. I could have had these cysts for YEARS. I could have cancer. It could have spread. I just looked on WebMD. So I don’t know. And then they say cysts rarely mean cancer then why do I have to get a mammogram? Whatever.

I ran out of that office. I will not be going back within the next 3 years…unless I have to.

I know people all around the world (and yes, that includes America) are suffering and here I am posting about this. Yeah, I know. I follow the news. Too closely.

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I started working on my novel. I’m already doubting everything. Page #1 would offend most people. They would throw the book or Kindle across the room and never pick it back up.  I know I shouldn’t worry so much about that. Who cares? It is only page 1. But my story is about that. I need it to be there. I think I’m going to write around it and see how far I can get. More on this later or maybe not.

———–

I broke up with my boyfriend today and I don’t really care. I’ve got worse problems.

This week I…

Music of the week:  Carly Rae Jepsen, Luther Vandross, Tori Kelly, Shura, Jordin Sparks, Laura Welsh, Bea Miller, Taylor Swift

Song of the week: Carly Rae Jepsen – Making the Most of the Night

FULL STOP.  Go buy Carly Rae’s album. Right now!! (Or at least listen to it on a streaming site). It is genius! I love good pop. I live for good pop. I don’t even know much about her music prior to this album. This has to be nominated for Album of the Year at the Grammys or at least Best Pop Album. The sound is very 80s. I happen to hate 95% of 80s music, but I love her album. Soooo good. You’re welcome. See, I’m not totally useless.

I need to stop buying music. That is what Spotify is for. I’m trying to pay off debt and only buy what I need, but I had to have Carly’s album. I saved about $3.00 by buying the regular album instead of the deluxe version. The extra tracks aren’t as good as what is on the real album. Love her. Thank Buddha for her. 🙂 🙂 🙂 Totally needed her music this week.

TV of the week: Big Brother, Curb Your Enthusiasm, U.S Open

Rooting for Serena and Federer.

Movies of the week:  None

Books of the week:  Still reading The Power of 100! Kickstart Your Dreams, Build Momentum, and Discover Unlimited Possibility by Shaun King  and  Luther: The Life and Longing of Luther Vandross by Craig Seymour. I started Maybe Someday by Colleen Hoover. The names are very soap operish. LOL. But the book is good so far. Easy, quick read.

Planner update:

plans o' the week
plans o’ the week

I want to get a lot of reading done this weekend. I will also work on Saturday for no extra pay, of course. I completely forgot Monday was a holiday. I don’t want to be behind. I want to get some serious writing done. Just relax. 🙂

no one to tell me what to do

My meeting with my manager was just moved to tomorrow. ::nervous:: I have no idea what to expect. If you don’t hate me or are indifferent towards me, I would appreciate any good vibes. I want to keep my job…and continue working at home. Thanks! 🙂

I went to the doctor on Tuesday. Clean bill of health. Well, all of my lab work hasn’t come back yet. I don’t think she is testing for everything…even though the last tests were 3 years ago, she did not seem interested in doing them again. Fine with me. I didn’t fast so the results may be wrong.

Yeah, I’m physically fine and that is all people seem to care about until someone shoots up something.  I would trade a treatable physical disease over a mental one any day. Oh well. I got stuck with what I got stuck with. :/

Oh! She wants me to see an OB/GYN and guess what? I’m actually doing it. I haven’t made an appointment yet. I went to their website and the part about a pap smear being painless is total BS…FOR ME. I know for normal people others it may be painless. I really don’t want to feel that pain again. (I had my first and only one 4-5 years ago)

Gotta go. My schedule is all messed up so I have no idea what I’m going to do next. nap? practicum? mow the lawn? or read for fun? #ExcitingDecison

The void

Woohoo! 🙂 I’m posting because I finally found CHEWABLE iron vitamins. lol. Over the years, I have gone to every drug store chain, department store and GNC to find chewable iron anything. Thanks Amazon.com! Yep, of course they had them.  (I swear I did not see them 2 years ago). I ordered them on Saturday morning and got them today. Now that is what I call living. The sad thing is that I’m not being sarcastic. Here is a link to these lovely vitamins in case anyone else needs them: Nature’s Plus – Chewable Iron W/ Vit C, 90 chewable tablets

Of course my doctor told me to take something for iron because my iron levels are low. She also said that I needed B vitamins. I can buy those chewable from any store but I went ahead and got them from Amazon (way cheaper from them). I tried B vitamins before (pre-Abilify) because I thought they might help with my depression/lack of stamina. But I don’t think my stomach liked them so I quit taking them. I’m going to try again.

I think she also mentioned something about low red blood cells. (??????) I was “okaying” her like crazy because she called during a very tense and important part of training. One thing I did catch was……..

My ultrasound didn’t show anything abnormal. 😦 That means no gallbladder problems. So the next thing would be to see if I have an ulcer which I thought was the problem for years. But I’m going to wait until I get sick again before seeing a GI. I really wanted to go to a GI and just skip the ultrasound but my doctor recommended it the other way around. Who knows how much that will cost? I’m waiting until I get sick because I’m super smart (sarcasm).

Between the Abilify (which is like, the only magic drug) and taking these vitamins, I hope my depression disappears. But then I think of my life situation and I wonder: Would “Sally” be depressed if she were me too? Is there no hope for me? FUCK.

I apologize for the outburst.

Work was so intense today. blah. I’m going to miss training when it is over. We get extra breaks and longer lunches. I can get a lot of stuff done during those breaks.

Training is the perfect example of diverse personalities. We have one sort of extreme extrovert. 3-4 people are probably 50% introverted, 50% extroverted. Then there is the rest of us. 5 of us are introverts. How cool and not normal is that?! Sometimes I feel bad for the teacher because I know she would rather have more extroverts by her comments about previous classes. HOWEVER, how could we get anything done if there were 2-3 extroverts in the class? We are moving faster than the previous classes…not because we are smarter but because most of us are introverts who just want to focus on the task at hand. The task is learning not socializing.

Diversity is a good thing. I’m so glad we have at least 1 extreme extrovert. I would feel really bad for the teacher otherwise even though I shouldn’t. I think teachers like extroverted students because it makes their job a lot easier.

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As of right now I’m still not going to school in the fall. YES I probably should be going. But I’m taking a break. Between this summer class and trying to move, I’m stressed out. Overwhelmed. Dreaming about dying. You know all that good stuff.  I want to read for fun. I want to play my guitar again. I want to take a jewelry making class. And more importantly…

I want to do more with my social anxiety blog. I want to tell my story of how I, a person with ‘off the scale’ social anxiety, managed to enter the workforce. I haven’t really told my story to others with SA because I feel like know a lot of luck was involved as far as me having my current job. I can’t tell people to GET LUCKY! haha. It’s like having a privileged background and saying “I did it so can you!”. Just um, get privileged.  I’m just going to be honest. Maybe I will make it into a (free) e-book just for the blog. This will take a lot of work from me because as you can tell: I am not a writer. At all. But the possibility excites me.

So yeah I want to skip my final semester (really bad) but I also hope to get a lot of non school things done. If I don’t get some of the things done, I will feel like a failure. Oh wait…

will I ever cross your mind?

I didn’t know ultrasounds were so expensive or that they took so long. I thought it was more like:

“You’re having a boy!”

/end

But it is much more complex than that. Especially when you have an intern working on you (OMG). She took forever. I thought she was going to do the real ultrasound. That is the only reason why I agreed to have a student do it. But she was just practicing!!! Hello? I have to get back to work. Do these people not understand the value of time?? The proper way to ask is: “Do you have enough time for a student to do the ultrasound then I will do it for real?” I would have said NO because I have to work.

UGH!

I’m glad I didn’t know it was more complex than “You’re having a boy!”. I would have been nervous about it. I haven’t had the abdominal pain in about 3-4 weeks but of course on the day of my ultrasound it was back full force. And they kept scanning that area of my stomach. Ow.

It feels slightly wrong to complain about a $50 copay. But DAYUM…for an ultrasound?? I know radiology things cost a lot but I was shocked that I had to pay that much for it. Apparently it is a “tier 3” x-ray. I didn’t know that. What if nothing comes out of getting the ultrasound? I guess that crosses things out…If I didn’t have health insurance I would just keep living with the nausea (like I have for 5+ years) and the occasional pain.

Now I’m just waiting for the results.

Like I tweeted, I have a suitor! 😉 It is so frustrating! Heterosexual men that is. Maybe it is impossible to just be friends with them since I’m not interested in sex. I find that sad. I’ll back up. The guy who helped me move wanted my phone number. Of course he didn’t get it. Get why he wanted my number: because I don’t do drugs or drink. SCREAM That is the frustrating part.

WHY DO PEOPLE CONSTANTLY THINK I’M “WIFE MATERIAL”????????????????

I’m so not. Just because I’m shy, that doesn’t mean I’m nice or I will settle or I’ll do whatever you want. I WILL NOT OBEY YOU! lol. If these people knew the real me, they would not want to be within 10 feet of me. 🙂

I really think he got turned on because I was holding my guitar. I haven’t touched that guitar in 5 years. But as moving, I ran across it and had to strum it. He saw me. Maybe he thought I was different or whatever. I don’t know. (I will start back with the guitar once summer school is over).

The guy is cute. I thought that when I first saw him. However, he has a criminal record. He went to jail once. At first I was quick to judge and thought of him as “scum” (how enlightened) in a split second. But I know how the justice system works. It isn’t fair. Whoever has the most $$ wins. People make false accusations. etc. So a criminal record doesn’t make a person bad in my eyes. But he was convicted for something pretty bad – not murder, of course. But it wasn’t a petty crime. So if I were interested in dating him, he would have a lot of explaining to do. Some crimes I just can’t “get over”. I hope he isn’t guilty for everyone involved sake.

So I’m currently waiting for  my ultrasound results and a cute guy with a criminal record is interested in me. Oh and school is over soon! YAY. I still have to take the final though.

I’m coming out

Me: I’m not gay but I’m not straight either. Um, I’m not heterosexual.

Her: What? What do you mean by that?

Me: I’m asexual.

Her: Oh. You are just you!

ROFL. Can I really expect a straight normal person to know what asexuality is? NOPE*. ‘Her’ is my therapist. I guess I wanted some ideas on how to say “I’m asexual” to LGBT people. But I won’t get it from her. 😉 Anyhow, I came up with “I’m definitely not straight but I don’t really know how to identify“. Ugh, is that okay? That is too long for me to say. Fuck it. I’m asexual. Get it?

(*I also had to explain to her what LGBT meant! oh dear I say it fast like it is a word. Doesn’t everyone?).

No. I could just say “I’m not straight” or “I’m questioning”. LIES! But if I have to identify as asexual, I’m not going to the LGBT pride fest in September. I don’t feel comfortable…and I still feel like it shouldn’t matter. However, at a pride rally (if I were a friendly normal person) someone would probably ask.

This so wouldn’t matter if I weren’t going but I just want to see what it feels like. See if I feel somewhat ‘normal’ there. I would do anything to feel or BE normal…even if just for an hour. That is probably my ultimate dream. Yes, I’m placing a lot of pressure on the event and on myself. I feel like this is my only chance.

So that’s that. (?)

Oh and Tina Fey‘s character on 30 Rock is a good example of an asexual. Aren’t they smart, well rounded, cute and sexy? 😉

I’m having my ultrasound next Tuesday. I’m bummed because I have to miss half a day of training at work. This will be my only miss. We just started with training and I feel like I can catch up because there is a lot of review going on. I will tell my manager and trainer that this will be my only miss – unless I have an ulcer or something is so wrong with my gallbladder that it must be removed NOW. Otherwise I will wait until I can take time off in October.

I was shocked that the doctor’s office even called me back to schedule the ultrasound. My other PCP would not have called and that is why I only went there once and switched to another doctor. It took them a week to call but at least they called. I just wish I wasn’t missing any work and that I could eat before my appointment.

I brought a how-to jewelry making DVD from Ebay. I’m half watching it now. This is sort of like my porn. I get more turned on by music though. Wire jewelry making is hot. Whew.

Oh and that sexy women post isn’t happening. I’m totally into MEN right now. Oooh, but one day I was channel surfing and saw Jwoww on TV and….jaw dropping.

wow
awesome

You’re welcome. 🙂 Am I a hypocrite because I resent when men think of women as pieces of meat? I don’t think so but I won’t get into that right now. I come at it from not just looks but also personality. I saw Jwoww (sp?) give an interview a couple of years ago and she blew me away. Forget it. It’s complicated. Basically looks alone do not turn me on AT ALL.
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I’m supposed to be moving my stuff today. AGAIN. This is the second try. I’m nervous. I hope it works out. :/

The Root

Said, I went, said I went, said I went to the doctor
The man told me there ain’t nothin’ wrong with me
But I beg to differ, I been feelin’ this pain
For much too long, oh, yeah

You can swallow pills? Wahfuckinghoo! You can probably talk too. WOW. I guess that means everybody should be able to do it.

Really? People are so annoying. But great for you to be able to do those things. I’m happy for you. 😉 Sorry but that “just swallow it” BS really pisses me off. And I’m (clinically) depressed. I don’t speak for all depressed people but I prefer not being around people so please just let me be. That is all. I’m not trying to mean or rude. But you can interpret it that way and most people will. And I don’t care. I’m just trying to survive at the moment.

The move didn’t work out. Shocking. I really don’t care. No one is going to buy the house without me getting approved for a short sell anyway so there’s no rush. But I hope I can move everything out within a month. Blah.

I went to the doctor. She rocks!! I never thought I would have a good thing to say about a general practitioner but she is so great. I even love the office. Great location etc. Why do I love her so? She didn’t make me get a pap smear. I love her!!!!! Although it might have been because I lied and said that I went to my ex-PCP 2 years ago. In reality it was 3 years ago. Did that make a difference? I don’t know. She asked me if I had a OB/GYN and I said no. I’ve never had one. So…I don’t know. I’m just relieved I was able to escape that.

I was also able to escape the tongue depressor! SCORE. I told you she was great. I almost got sick thinking about it. I woke up so early worried about the tongue depressor of all things. I couldn’t get back to sleep.

I was supposed to have an ultrasound but of course, the one person they have to do it was on vacation so I have to go back next week. Sigh. I really wanted to get this over with because I can’t take any real time off from work for the next THREE MONTHS. So hopefully I will be able to schedule it after work. Anyhow the ultrasound is for my gallbladder. With the pain I’m feeling and the nausea, I believe it could be that.

But if it isn’t that…then she said it might be an ulcer. (Is she reading my blog or what?) Then I would have to go to a specialist for that. I just want it to be the thing least painful to treat. I don’t care which one it is. Ulcer or gallbladder. I’ll take the no pain option. Thank you.  If the nausea weren’t taking over my life, I wouldn’t have gone to the doctor in the first place. Generally I don’t do doctors.

She did prescribe an OTC medicine. The problem is that I forgot to mention that I can’t swallow pills. (Yes I have tried everything). I just thought I would be able to crush the pills like I do with my other medicine but it says not to on the bottle. And I’m scared that it will mess up my throat. The last thing a person with gag/nausea issues need is a throat problem. So I’m not taking the medicine. Maybe when I get my blood work back or get the ultrasound, I will see her again and tell her. I hope she gets it and doesn’t start telling me ways to swallow medicine. I KNOW. I HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING. geez. This isn’t some new problem.

But she is awesome until she mentions a pap smear so I’m sure she will get it. She doesn’t really believe the OTC medicine will work anyway. It is just a “try it” sort of thing.

Edited to add: UGH, I’m feeling sick again. 😦 Unfortunately I HAVE TO go into the office tomorrow. I need the ultrasound STAT.

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Wow, I sent a tweet to one of my favorite singers (Jennifer Peña) – about how her music saved my life. She responded!!! Unfortunately I led her to believe I could understand Spanish by tweeting to her in Spanglish. LOL. She responded in Spanish so I don’t know if I’m interpreting her response correctly. I think she basically said she appreciated the truth (?). The power of Twitter. I really wanted to thank her and let her know how much her music means to me and I finally got the chance. 🙂 The power of music. I could really feel the pain she must have been going through when she wrote those songs.

Her album came out during a very dark time in my life. I was between living places. I couldn’t stand the noise of the apartment among other things so I was occasionally sleeping in hotels (when not in my car). I would listen to her album on repeat. It got me through buying my house.

Music is my life. Music is my savior. In music I trust.

Thanks Jen! 🙂 🙂 🙂

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School work for the rest of the day.