Right Words, Wrong Time

Today is my birthday. Tomorrow I’m leaving on my trip, and I haven’t packed one thing!! I’m going around noon, so I have a little time.

I weigh 107 pounds which is better than what it used to be. I was feeling pretty good, but on Saturday, I ate some chicken, and I don’t think chicken likes me anymore. Now I’m a bit nauseous, but I don’t feel too bad. Plus, I’ve been taking my nausea medication.

I ate my birthday meal from Denny’s (don’t judge). The cinnamon pancakes were awesome. The rest of the meal was average. I also took my dog to the park. We had a great time.

I went to the GI doctor on Wednesday. Well, she’s a nurse practitioner. She’s outstanding. I like her. She has a plan for when my gastroparesis flares up again. I don’t like the plan because it involves a medicine I tried before, but it’s a plan.

I’ve got to go, so I’m going to post a few entries from my ‘private journal .’

May 11, 2011

So overwhelmed with work. I feel like no one understands. It’s fucking hard to work ten extra hours. I’m so over it. Today I didn’t make my numbers, but yesterday I did.

I can’t believe C (an ex-client of mine) is really gone. Well, I wish her well.

Ugh. I have to cancel my sauna appointment. It’s probably for the best considering weight loss.

One thing I’m grateful for: I was able to eat burger and fries again today!

Now I’m off to the treadmill.

May 13, 2021

I’m so sick of my paranoid mom. She’s so tough to live with. I know it could be worse. But argh!

So sick of working. Thankful to be off next week. It’s just not right. They are trying to take all my time.

Unsure about the whole self-employment thing, especially when I’m working so much.

I wonder is the Paxil making me so tired or is it my body. Am I malnourished? Do I need vitamins? Should I email J (my dietician)?

Grateful for: Tomorrow is Friday!

May 15, 2021

I worked overtime today. At least I don’t have to work tomorrow. Last year on my birthday, I worked a little for C.

I also went to Walmart today. I spent too much on trip stuff. I haven’t started packing.

Tomorrow I’m planning on going to the park. It’ll be my birthday! I just don’t want to spend all day in bed because I do enough of that.

Good time for a break. I feel like I need to reevaluate things. Everything.

Grateful for: my dog!

Thanks for reading! Have a great week. 🙂

Not Dead Yet

This will be kind of short. I weigh about 105 or less. I’m too scared to weigh myself.

I didn’t go to work on Friday (more on this later). I went to the urgent care instead. I had been vomiting more than usual. I wasn’t eating. Etc. They didn’t do much because I wasn’t dehydrated or anything like that, although I am underweight. And I have high blood pressure.

The doctor gave me nausea medication. But he only gave me seven pills. Now I have to figure out which doctor to call to get more. The GI doctor? My PCP? Or someone new?

I have an appointment with the GI nurse on May 12th. That’s too far away, but what can I do? Sigh. The medicine they gave me caused the vomiting, so I stopped taking that after two doses.

As of today, I’m eating a little. Four small meals/snacks a day. That’s on a good day.

About work, I’ve been sick since July. I took ONE unplanned day off, and they questioned me about it!!! One day! Do they know how sick I’ve been? I’ve been sick and busting my ass for you! I HATE THESE PEOPLE.

I’m not going on FMLA right now. Right now, I want to go on my birthday vacation with my dog on May 17. That is all I care about. I have to keep my weight up or around 105, so I can go on this trip. I NEED this trip. This may be the last trip I’m able to go on. Who knows?

I might be applying for a medical marijuana card. Weed helps with appetite and nausea. I have my appointment for May 4th, but I haven’t paid yet.

I never thought I would want marijuana so badly, but things change. I’ve never tried it before.

I’m rushing this entry. I have a ton of work to do. I kind of hired someone in my business because I can’t do this shit alone anymore. I just hope she’s good. People say they can do things when they have no idea how to do it. I hope I don’t have to fire her.

I’ll be back later. Hopefully, my thoughts will be more coherent.

Have a nice week! Thanks for reading. 🙂

Going to be a new mom

I hope my dog doesn’t read this. I’M ADOPTING AN ELEPHANT!!!!!!1111!!!!! I don’t know when but hopefully this month? I have bills, and the system wasn’t working today, so I couldn’t work this morning. Now I don’t have much OT for the week. 😦 I count on OT way too much. It’s not going to last forever. When it ends, I may have to get a PT job. I got an order this week from my online biz, and I’m starting an online course, so there is a chance I may get some extra income from that.

Anyway, I’ve considered many different organizations. I’ve been supporting Elephants.com for years (not always financially) since I read a book about their sanctuary in Tennessee. However, I also love the Sheldrick Wildlife Trust because they allow their elephants to go back to into the wild. They can do that. They are in Kenya. We can’t do that in the US. 😉 It is $50 a year to adopt any animal. After reading so much about elephants, I’m picking an elephant. $50 isn’t bad at all. I don’t know how long it takes to rehabilitate an elephant. I have a feeling they are quick learners, but it probably depends on the animal. As soon as they know how to live in the wild, Sheldrick Wildlife Trust lets them go, so I won’t get to “keep” the elephant forever. But I can find another elephant or a rhino to adopt.

I’m so excited about this, and I haven’t done it yet! LOL.

I couldn’t get on Latuda, so the doctor put me on two other meds. He picked two because I had symptoms of depression on the day I talked to him. Now that I’ve stopped taking the anti-nausea medicine, I am no longer depressed! Ha. No more anti-nausea medicine unless necessary. I still can’t eat early in the morning (no breakfast for me) or anything substantial. I’ve lost 4 pounds in less than two weeks. I now weigh 132. I’m just glad my grocery bill will be low tomorrow. All I have to buy are drinks and yogurt. I think the yogurt is messing me up since I’ve stopped the Abilify, but I’m going to buy the smaller cups. After I eat yogurt, I just want to get in bed. I’ve been eating yogurt daily for about 5 years. Not trying to stop now.

The meds: Unfortunately they cost $110 a month. Bummer. But I don’t think I’m going to be on them long. If I’m not depressed, one med can go. The other I don’t know about. Oh, it makes me SO SLEEPY! I don’t know I’m what I’m going to do on Monday morning. Today I worked for 25 minutes. The system stopped working, so I went back to sleep for two hours!! That is unlike me. Typically I would have worked on creating my course or studied since I was already working. But I got back into bed, my dog got on top of me. He was exhausted too. If he moved, I didn’t feel it.

When I woke up, I checked the system Still down. I tried again at 1. The system was still down. I gave up on trying to work.

I see my doctor on August 4. Hopefully, I won’t be depressed, but I doubt he takes me off something so soon so I’ll just have to pay and take the meds. 😦

Election 2020: The debates are next week. I’m not as excited as I was last time. Biden will be more aggressive. That is all I know. Oh, and Booker will go after Biden if the moderators ask the right questions. I’m sure they will. I will probably fall asleep since I’m on all these meds. Booker vs. Biden will be the second night.

This week I…

Music of the week: Carly Rae Jepsen, Taylor Swift, Amy Winehouse, Maggie Rogers, Victory, Sara Bareilles, SWV, Aretha Franklin

TV of the week: Big Brother, Grey’s Anatomy, The Hills

The Hills is fake and may be as decent as used to be? I’ve only watched one and a half episodes, so I don’t know if I’m going to keep watching.

Podcasts of the week: True Crime Garage, 22 Hours: An American Nightmare, So You Wanna Be a Witch, Learn Astrology with Mary, Generation Why, White Lies

Books of the week: Now reading:

Weekend Plans: Well, I was supposed to do OT today. I worked on the course I’m creating. Tonight I’m going to write scripts, so I can get some recording done before I go grocery shopping tomorrow. I don’t have astrology class tomorrow. Yay! The class lasts for about 3 hours, so I’m so glad for a break.

Thanks for reading. Have a great weekend! 🙂

It doesn’t matter anyway

Long training days at work. The good thing is that training ends on Friday. I don’t know whether that is really a good thing because that means I have to uh, work. No more 3-hour meetings. Just working. How boring and normal. I will try to keep it exciting. 😉

I got feedback on two of the 4 free tarot readings I did over the past week. One was a 3-star rating. Bummer!!! She didn’t say anything about the actual reading. She just said she wanted to know which cards I drew. Okay. I kind of get that now. From now on I will tell everyone what cards I pulled. I got a 5-star reading on the other! Yay. She said I was 100% right and she liked my advice. After that “bad” feedback, I was glad to receive 5 stars.

I’m scared to get feedback on the other readings. One I didn’t include the cards, so I feel like that one will be average or bad. I did that before I got feedback about people wanting to know which cards I picked. Oh well. They have to give feedback if they want to continue getting free readings. The other one I told her the cards, but she asked THREE questions which is against the rules, but whatever. I answered all her questions. I felt like it went well.

UPDATE: I just got another 5-star rating for a reading I did. Thank you so much! Now my average rating is a 4.3. Woohoo! I know I shouldn’t get caught up on ratings. But I haven’t done a lot of readings. I need some type of validation. I have only done a total of 15 readings so far. Most of the ones I’ve done are through email. I’ve done 3 on Zoom/Skype and one in person. So now I’m only waiting for feedback on one more reading.

I think my mentor wants me to read for her. I’m trying not to get too anxious about it. What I want to do is practice on Zoom by myself and do a fake reading. I know I say “umm” and “uhhh” A LOT. I’ve done it my whole life, and I don’t know how to stop. Anyway, if I’m not too busy this weekend, I think I’ll do a fake 30-minute video reading and watch the recording. That will be brutal!

I did a 1 minute 44 second YouTube intro video for my website. I don’t know whether it is any good. I hope I’m not mumbling. I should ask my mentor what she thinks, but I’m scared. I also did Instagram stories last night! I’m very new to that. I was so tired. I did 15 seconds from each of my blog posts.  That’s 12 blog posts! It took forever because I didn’t know what I was doing. I hope that wasn’t a waste of time. It was my mentor’s idea.

I was so tempted to go on another Getaway. Ah, that would be so nice. I even went to the website and saw that the dates I wanted are available. That would be financially irresponsible, so I’m not going. No internet. No TV. Reading in bed for two days. Why can’t I go? *whines* Adulting is so hard.

Sigh. I made an appointment 3 months ago to see my doctor on July 30th. Now she’s going on vacation or something, and my appointment has to be rescheduled.  They called me this past Friday to tell me. I have a problem when doctors don’t seem to care that we take days off from work to go to the doctor. She only does well visits AKA annual visits when I’m working, so I have to take time off to go to her office.

Anyway, I rescheduled it for September 17th. I have that day off. Hopefully, she won’t be off on that day too. UGH. On the off chance, that she has an emergency, I’m sorry for bitching about it.

Gotta go. Bye!

If I were a different girl


95 days until my Getaway from DC 

The Depo-Provera is finally out of my system, and I’m so thrilled! It didn’t take that long. TMI Warning! My periods are much lighter (but not light) and only lasts 3 and a half days. Okay, you can say 4 days. Thank God. I’m loving the BC I’m on. I’m on Bilsovi Fe. The only downside is that my stomach is much bigger and it may have caused weight gain. 😦 BUT I think it might get rid of my period.

I was going to quit Bilsovi in the near future because I’m not having sex and the bleeding from the Depo is gone so why do I need it? But if there is a tiny chance it can get rid of my period, I will stay on it for at least a year. I’ve been on it for about 3 months so far. If you really care about weight gain and bloating, don’t take Bilsovi. I care, but I don’t care enough to quit just yet. I want to post this quote again about Bilsovi. It gives me hope:

After several months on treatment, bleeding may be reduced to a point of virtual absence. This reduced flow may occur as a result of medication, in which event it is not indicative of pregnancy.

I started with the good news first. Now the bad. The day before my birthday I’m getting a pap smear! ROFL. How much does that suck? Uh, at least it’s not on my birthday, right? It is very painful for me. I’m not looking forward to it. But how else am I going to continue to get my BC? I have to go to the OB/GYN. Plus, they were nice last year and said since I’m a virgin, I didn’t have to get a pap smear, so I’ll get one this year. I think I’m going to ask if she can put it on my record that I only have to get one every other year. It sounds like a good plan, but once I get in the doctor’s office, I probably won’t mention it. I’ll see. Once I get off BC (if It doesn’t stop my period), they won’t see me for a while.

I now realize that buying the MacBook Air was a horrible idea. Of course, I really knew that from the beginning. I blame it on the Abilify. I really do. I would have NEVER done something like this prior to being on it. Oh well. I bought it, and it’s here now. I’m not using the Air that much. I’m still using my HP.

I still love my Mac. Nothing’s change.  I should have waited until my HP was really dead. I should have had more patience through that Sunday morning instead of getting frustrated. I got pissed and wanted a new computer NOW. Eventually, the Mac will be my main computer, and maybe I won’t feel so bad. I know it’s worth having. It’s just weird because I’m barely using it. Such an expensive toy to barely use. It will be my primary computer once my HP is really dead.

Buyer’s remorse sucks! :/

I just got back from seeing my psychiatrist. I haven’t seen him in about 6 months. He doesn’t get it. This is why I was searching for a new doctor. I called a few people. I left messages. No one called me back. What should I do? Just show up and make an appointment? I don’t live that far from the office I want to go to.

Anyway, he was SHOCKED that I had side effects from quitting the Abilify. LOL. WTF? Am I supposed to believe that? Where is a competent doctor? I told him I had nausea and I couldn’t eat. Etc. Apparently, he has never heard of such. All he has to do is get on the Google Machine and see that other people have the same issue. And he’s a freaking doctor! He should know!

I talked him into giving me a 2mg dose of Abilify. I will split the pill in half and take 1mg a day. I have to use a mail order pharmacy, and unfortunately, it is snowing right now so I won’t be mailing it off tomorrow. I also won’t be able to test my lawn mower tomorrow due to the snow. 😦 I wanted to do it while I have a half day at work and while my neighbors would be working.

I’m really low on my anti-depressant. Really low as in I have been taking a half of dose for the past 3 weeks and I barely have anything left.  I have to mail these prescriptions off ASAP. I don’t know when I’m doing it. I probably won’t feel like going out and removing the snow from my car tomorrow. On Thursday, it is going to be 60 degrees. Why not just wait until the snow melts? Too bad I won’t have medicine. Whatever. I’ll live. First world issues.

Don’t sell me no pipe dream

WTF? I felt like I went to the doctor for a cold and you know I don’t do that. I felt stupid, lame, and shocked after leaving the surgeon’s office. Both visits (to the shrink and the orthopedic surgeon) were a waste of time. The shrink visit was a waste due to my fault. More on that later. I’m more upset about the surgeon because it cost more and I was expecting an x-ray or something.

I do have carpal tunnel syndrome. No shit. All the doctor recommended I do is keep wearing the braces I bought from Amazon (!!) and sleep with my arms straight down.* Um, thanks. I waited over an hour for that. I didn’t mind the wait. I got a lot of reading done. Anyway, he did offer me a cortisone shot, but I said no because it isn’t affecting my sleep much. If at all.

*Sleeping with my arms straight down does help, but it is hard to do. Who can do that all night? Plus it is uncomfortable.

He also told me to come back if it got worse, so that is what I will do. I hope the braces help. So far they have been helping, but that isn’t a cure. He didn’t seem as concerned about the pain as the tingling. So I guess the tingling is a bigger deal. Well, I have a lot of that.

Um. Whatever? Next.

The shrink was a waste of time because I didn’t mention I wanted to get off Abilify because of the impulsive behavior. I just mentioned the cost. My fault. So I’m still on Abilify for now. According to my doctor, there is no generic Abilify substitute except for Wellbutrin and Effexor and I can’t take either one of those. I have enough Abilify to last until 2018. Blah.

GOOD NEWS: I finally got my Keurig coffee maker!!!111!!  I followed it on the internet from California on a FedEx truck. Isn’t it absurd that my coffee maker had to be driven 3,000 miles on a truck to get to me?  Maybe it’s just me.  Why don’t they have a distribution center in the middle of America? Most companies I deal with ship 2-day priority mail or they have something near the east coast.

Oh, what about the coffee maker? I’ve only used it once. I used a Starbucks pod (medium roast) for my first cup of coffee this morning. In the future, if I do buy pods, I will buy a type of dark roast. I drink my coffee black 95% of the time. Back to the coffee maker – I don’t like that it doesn’t keep the coffee in the mug warm after it brews. My $40 coffee maker kept it warm. It also doesn’t have a clock so I can program it to brew, but I rarely used that on my old coffee maker.

I’ve only had it for a day so I don’t really have a strong opinion on it yet. I just hope it was worth the money.

Depo-Provera update: No bleeding 9 days in a row! This is a miracle. Please let my period be over forever.

This week I…

Music of the week: Nelly Furtado, Shawn Mendes, Natalie Merchant, Demi Lovato, Joan Osborne, Kelly Clarkson, Miranda Lambert, Sam Smith

TV of the week: Big Brother, The Real Housewives of Orange County

They are doing a celebrity version of Big Brother this winter! I am going to watch it, but it worries me. Usually, when a reality show starts featuring celebrities, the “regular” show goes away. I don’t want my summer full of BB and normal people to go away.

Movie of the week: None

Books of the week: I finished reading Dead Man Walking: The Eyewitness Account Of The Death Penalty That Sparked a National Debate by Helen Prejean. 5 stars. I can’t believe the death penalty is still legal in THIRTY TWO states. Isn’t that fucked up? The death penalty disgusts me. The book is so glum. Great writing though.

Now reading:

Planner update: Plans of the week in my Erin Condren


Plans for the Weekend: Cleaning, working a little, school work and grocery shopping.  I made an 84 on test #2. Not my best work. It was harder than I thought it was going to be. I’m taking test #3 on Sunday morning. I’m not sure how much I’ll be working this weekend.

There’s going to be a pro-confederate rally 10 minutes from my house this weekend. Other than that, nothing is going on. Seriously I hope no one is hurt and I already feel bad for all the people living in that neighborhood. I would be worried about vandalism, noise and leaving my house.

Thanks for reading. Have a wonderful weekend! 🙂

Can you imagine?

Groan. I might have to see my PCP again. 😦 Well, I know I do. I’ve been having carpal tunnel syndrome symptoms for about 2 months. It has probably been longer than that. My right hand is tingling right now and I feel pain in my left hand. This sucks. Sigh. At least I have health insurance and all that.

It is especially bad in the morning. I can barely use my right hand in the mornings, but now it is slightly bothering me all day.

See your doctor if you have persistent signs and symptoms suggestive of carpal tunnel syndrome that interfere with your normal activities and sleep patterns. Permanent nerve and muscle damage can occur without treatment.

I’m off the week of October 9th. I’m going to get my 4th Depo injection that week, and I guess I’m going to see my PCP that week too. I hope it doesn’t get too much worse by then. So I guess I know what I’m doing on my vacation. Doctor appointments. I don’t have anything else planned. I just wanted to stay home. Well, I’m always home, so I guess getting out isn’t too bad.

But going to my PCP means having to go see someone else. It’s not like she can fix it or even diagnose it by herself. Blah. I might see if I can see the doctor I really need to see since I no longer need a referral to see a specialist. I just don’t know who that would be. There aren’t any carpal tunnel syndrome specialists.

It is also affecting my solo dance parties, so this must be remedied. I might have to go see a doctor before mid-October. This isn’t a good situation. Plus now I’m working two jobs behind the computer all day. ALL DAY.  I might take half a day or two hours off work to see my PCP in September.  And then when she transfers me to a specialist, I can go in October. Sigh. Whatever it takes.

I’m not a person who runs to the doctor every time something goes wrong. I never go for a cold or something like that. And now I feel dumb because I just went to see my PCP in August to check my iron and now I have to go back???! I feel so lame.

I’m so late. I finally ordered a Keurig coffee maker! I can’t wait to get it. I have water issues in the house. Long story, but this coffee maker will make me not have to worry about getting my coffee in the morning. I only drink one cup a day. On most days it’s not even a full cup. I probably average about 4oz a day. I would drink more coffee if it didn’t upset my stomach. ha.

Anyhow, it was a special deal. I get the coffee maker, 54 coffee pods, a cleaning kit and a reusable filter so I don’t have to always buy the semi-expensive pods. I can just use regular coffee. Yay! I’ve wanted a new coffee maker for a while and then I saw this special and I couldn’t resist it.

Every time I pass my coffee pot, I want my Keurig to arrive. I should have said fuck the deal and went to a store. That’s how bad I want it since I have water issues. But I ordered it as soon as I saw the deal and there’s nothing I can do now but wait.

So I typed all this out, and now my hands are definitely feeling it. Nah, I can’t wait until October to see a doctor..unless it will be really hard to get time off this month.  I’ll see tomorrow when I go back to work.

I did a lot of work yesterday at my PT job. Today I’m waiting for feedback so I might not have to work much or at all. I took my first test of my course and made a 95. I’m going to study chapter 2 for a while and then go mow the lawn. Today will be a busy day because I worked all day yesterday and didn’t get anything else done.

Gotta go.

A second opinion

OB/GYN office: Do you want to get a second opinion from a surgeon?

HUH? What? Why are these people scaring me? I already think I have something because no one is this tired all the time. Could it be undiagnosed cancer? Once again stop scaring me! A surgeon??? WTF! Okay, I’ll stop with the excessive punctuation.

I believe America is too litigious but couldn’t I sue the radiologist for telling me TWICE that my cysts are benign? It was the same radiologist both times. Why is the radiologist so sure my cysts are benign? Shouldn’t she be the one concerned? I don’t know anything about this stuff.

And then my mom starts scaring me. Sigh. Once again: WTF? I had already told the OB/GYN I did not want a second opinion on Friday evening. My mom offered to pay for a second opinion after I already told the doctor no. She also tells me that my late grandmother has a sister currently living with breast cancer. I had forgotten she has cancer. Also, my aunt on my dad’s side had breast cancer. I don’t know if she died from it or not.

I just want to thank the doctor and my mom for freaking me out. But the truth is, I already think there is something physically wrong with me. I think it’s Lyme disease or cancer or something else (anemia?). I’ll just live with whatever. All I know for sure it that I consistently have low iron levels and I have many cysts in each breast. That’s it.

I haven’t blogged about this in a while. My dad is still in the United States. He is still living with my mom. He is a veteran. I think he is considered a disabled veteran. I know it is weird that I don’t know this. Anyway, he gets his benefits on the first of the month for being a vet. Well, he always wants to go to the store on the first. Uh, NOPE.

I don’t go to the store after work. Who does that? Not me. I’m usually exhausted. Well, I guess I am on this Friday (the second). I was over at my mom’s house today, and he asked me to take him to the store. Why can’t he just wait until Saturday (the third)? I go grocery shopping on weekend mornings when it isn’t too crowded.

Honestly, it isn’t that bad this time. I’ll just start work 30 minutes early (even though I’m not supposed to) and get off and we’ll go to the store. At least my weekend will be free. Yay!

I’m just going to prepare myself for him to ask me around the first of the month to take him grocery shopping. I really wish he would be considerate and wait until the weekend. But I can adjust. As long as he only wants to go once a month, I can deal. I can’t believe he is staying in the United States. So weird.

So I’ll just take him to the store on the first from now on. Begrudgingly. 😉

I have to get back to studying. Fun times.

I might be a bitch, but I’m free

If we choose to introduce our true selves to anyone, we will get hurt. But we will be hurt either way. There is pain in hiding and pain outside of hiding. The pain outside is better because nothing hurts as bad as not being known.

-Glennon Doyle Melton

I went to yoga on Saturday! I love the studio. I love the instructor. I love the town, but I hate how far it is. The class itself was above average. I’d give it a B. I didn’t like that only 3 other people were in the class.  (!!!) It was a class of 4. And I got a bad vibe from one of the people. The guy. I’m sure 50% of it was my fault, and 50% of it was his. I was the only newbie, and I almost died when the instructor said to welcome me. So embarrassing.

He was the only one that didn’t speak to me which didn’t bother me. BUT it did affect the vibe of the class. I felt awkward. That is very normal for me. Will I go back? Well, this is the place I used the Groupon for. I have 4 more free classes. Yes, I will go back. I don’t know when. It expires in July.

Overall it was a decent experience. It definitely made me want MORE yoga. I think I’m going to take my yoga mat outside and do yoga on my own and go to the studio.

So much has been going on this month and it just started. May is my favorite month of the year. I love the weather, and yes, some of it has to do with it being my birthday month. Of course. Let’s see. I ordered a new refrigerator Monday night and then found out it was an electrical problem, so I gladly canceled the order.  I spent forever trying to fix the electrical problem myself. Couldn’t do it, so I called an electrician. He was able to tell me what to do over the phone! Yes, it was FREE.

THANK YOU, UNIVERSE!! I am so grateful. Everything worked out. I’ve been relying on my spiritual practice so much.

My mammogram isn’t scheduled until May 25th. How ridiculous. If it were a regular mammogram AKA a screening mammogram, I could have had it done much sooner, but since the doctor found lumps, I need an appointment with the radiologist. Apparently, the radiologists are only there during the day. Don’t they understand some people have to work? I’m so beyond sick of taking time off to go to the doctor. I want to take time off for vacations or to mow the lawn (lol).

Am I the only one who works during the day? What’s going on? What if this is something serious? May 25th??! Okay, whatever. It’s probably nothing. It’s not their fault, I have a hard time getting time off during the warmer months. If this were February, I could have gotten a quicker appointment.  Another ridiculous thing is that I have to PAY for this visit since it isn’t a regular mammogram. Last time I paid about $45.  Does that even make sense? Whatever. I’m actually looking forward to when I can have regular screening mammograms so it can be free.

I have my lab work appointment on this Thursday. They’re testing for iron levels and B12 levels. I hope they can give me my results before I go on vacation. I was going to buy iron pills, but I don’t know if I have anemia or what. Shouldn’t there be something stronger than iron supplements for anemia? I’ve been so tired. On the weekends, I’ve been sleeping more than usual. I’ve already talked about being barely able to mow the lawn.

Gotta go. I’ll be back soon. 🙂

I see no beauty in the resistance

I just want my fucking period to END. Why can’t I have a very early menopause? Depo-Provera has fucked up my period, and I’m not happy. I know it is supposed to take a minimum of 6 months to end a period. It could take up to a year. I will probably have my period on my vacation next month, and that sucks.

I’ve had my period for 11 days. However, it wasn’t all bad. Only the past 3-4 days have been bad and just obnoxious. I can’t wait for this to be over.

To make all this worse, I was listening to a talk this morning and someone mentioned Viktor Frankl surviving the Holocaust and I still felt bad for myself. ugh.

People without a meaning in their life are exposed to aggression, depression, and addiction

-Viktor Frankl

I was going to do an entry on my spiritual practice and I probably will. But right now, I’m not feeling very spiritual. After what happened in the waiting room at my PCP’s office, I thought about giving up. But now that I’m back in the safety of my own home, I probably won’t give up.

I don’t feel like the Universe has my back right now.  I woke up feeling this way. And then I went to the doctor’s office, and everything exploded. I didn’t take Klonopin before I went and that was the problem. Klonopin relaxes me. I have to take it when I’m around people. Have to, or I will have experiences like I did today.

A woman was kicking her feet up. Full stop. I know this sounds crazy. It would be nice if someone could relate to how much this bothered me. Anyway, she knew it was driving me nuts. I tried to turn away from her (not the whole time). She kept kicking higher. The point is that why bother being “spiritual” if I can’t sit in a doctor’s office with other people?

What if I can’t enjoy Kripalu because other people are there? What if I can’t work at a different job because people are there? Doesn’t that make me screwed? How can I be spiritual with this going on? Spirit works through people. I have no people. I can’t be the lighthouse for others. What others? I can try to blog about it, and the people who need to read what I have to say will find my blog. That’s one way I can be a tiny lighthouse.

I felt defeated as I waited for the doctor to come see me. I feel better now. But I’m still questioning everything about the Universe and spirituality.

My blood pressure is somewhat fine. It was 120 over 78. Unbelievable. How did that happen? It could be situational. Or it could be the green juice and exercise. I don’t know. I don’t understand why my blood pressure is sometimes high and sometimes fine. I went to the GYN almost 3 months ago. My blood pressure was 130 over something. That’s prehypertensive. It could be due to me being terrified at the OB/GYN. But I don’t think so.

I was shocked when the nurse told me my BP. Shocked and relieved.  I had bloodwork done, and I’m waiting for results.

Instead of an entry detailing my newish spiritual practice, I leave this instead because this is where I am with the Universe and everything.