Don’t count me out

I hate the word “shady.” But D is such a shady bitch. I don’t mind the word bitch. ROFL. In case she is reading this: I’m talking about the recent thing with the mail. You think or act like you are so nice, but in reality, you are so ugh. There are no words.


I have a short project to work on (part-time job). The due date is Wednesday! lol. And I don’t even know what the pay is. I know it isn’t as much as my last project. I hope I have something to work on after Wednesday. But I’ll take it.

I’ve been getting back into pretty FUNctional planning. I like stickers more now than I did when I was a kid. Weird, right? Anyway, it is so relaxing for me to plan out my week in my planner. The only part I don’t like is cutting out stickers. I hate that part. I was thinking of getting a silhouette cameo so I wouldn’t have to cut out stickers one by one with scissors but that costs $119. Maybe I will buy it for myself for my birthday.

I love my spread from this week. I didn’t use a kit (yes, full sticker kits exist!) I had to be creative and pull together stuff from my stash, and I have a decent sized stash. Here is my planner spread in my Erin Condren Life Planner:

erin-condren

I know so many people don’t get the planner thing. But it is so zen. 🙂

I was feeling depressed this week. But today I’m okay. Is it because I’m not taking Abilify anymore? Or is it just because it is getting cold? Or maybe my life is just overwhelming. But when I was working 2 jobs, I could deal just fine. My part-time job (temporarily) ends, and I’m feeling overwhelmed?  Does that make sense? I have more free time, and I feel like crap.

I do feel better now, so I don’t know.  Earlier this week it just felt like everything was going wrong.

I’m so in love with my new HP Envy printer. I’m never getting an Epson again. Hopefully, this printer lasts until I can spend $200 on a great printer.

This week I…

Music of the week: Miranda Lambert, JoJo, Alicia Keys, Ingrid Michaelson, John Legend, Bruno Mars, Jess Glynne, A Tribe Called Quest

I didn’t end up going after JoJo tickets because the “seats” are general admission. I think this may be my last year trying concerts. I’ve been to a ton of concerts over the years, but I think my social anxiety is getting worse when it comes to concerts so I may stop going. But I want to give it another chance before I give up completely.

TV of the week: Gilmore Girls,  basketball

Movie of the week: I watched two decent movies this week – Side Effects and The Runaways (rewatch).  I watched The Runaways again because I’m still in love with Kristen Stewart. 😉 I haven’t seen any of her recent movies.

Books of the week: I finished reading  The Fire Next Time by James Baldwin.  The Binge Eating and Compulsive Eating Workbook by Carolyn Coker Ross is due on Monday, so I better get to reading this weekend. There are a lot of exercises in the workbook.

Still reading  The Universe Has Your Back by Gabrielle Bernstein.

Plans for the Weekend:  I was supposed to wrap gifts tonight, but I’m not going anywhere to take the gifts so why rush it? I don’t enjoy wrapping gifts. In fact, I suck at it. I would just use gift bags (and I am a little), but some people are picky and want their gifts wrapped. lol. Instead, I decided to work and blog tonight.

I may go to the store this weekend. I’m out of ClariSpray which is the best thing for my new allergies. I would rather just go to the bank since I don’t have to get out of the car. heh. I can just go through the drive through. I’m definitely staying in on Sunday and working on my class. I hope I have part-time work too.  I hate the cold and this weekend is COLD. I just want to stay in until March.

Have a nice weekend! 🙂

my goal seems perfectly clear

I read a finance self help book once. One of the rules was to pretend that you have money. haha! But I did that yesterday. I went to Macy’s and Forever 21 (for the 1st time). I ordered from F21 online once but I’ve never been to the store. I had to keep reminding myself that all I do is go to the gym. All the cute clothes…forget it.

I had my birthday Macy’s gift card. I brought these fab skinny jeans:

purple
purple

How do you like my modeling skills? 🙂 I’ve been to two different Macy’s in the past year. Neither had an active wear section. I had hoped to find something for the gym. I did buy two pair of leggings from Forever 21. Boring gym clothes but that is all I really need.

I just got back from the free gym. I did weights and cardio. That scale says I weigh 133. Whatevs. OH! I had wheat yesterday. I went to a Mexican place at the mall and brought soft tacos. I’m pretty sure the tortillas had wheat. I hope this isn’t the start of my downfall. :/

——–

Last week I was depressed. I couldn’t focus and I was lethargic. At first I thought it was more of REAL depression. Real depression is depression without a reason (to me anyways).  It just hits out of nowhere. But now I’m wondering it if was just work depressing me. I would rather have a reason since I’m on an anti-depressant. I’m feeling better now. I can actually read! What a concept.

I’m anxious about next week. Work is changing for me. So anything could happen. Scary.

like punching in a dream

I just made my camping reservation. Renting a cabin in midseason isn’t as cheap as I thought. I had second and third thoughts about hitting “reserve”. But I’m excited to go to a state park for my birthday. I’ve never been to this place before. The park is 1,683 acres. (!!) I really hope my dog gets to go. It will be so much more fun with her there. I don’t think she’ll be able to walk as much as I want to (she is 16 and has arthritis) so I’ll have to leave her at the cabin sometimes. Not that I can walk a ton with my feet problems.

I’m in cabin #3 which is sooo far away from the other cabins and everything else. It is on the edge of the park. I hope I can walk to the river. I can tell by looking at the map that my dog probably won’t be able to make it unless I plan on taking all day with a lot of resting. It looks like a walk to the river is about 3 miles round trip.

No internet. No TV. If it rains a ton, I’ll just take out my Kindle and some 3D books so I won’t get bored. I will take a ton of pictures. YAY. 🙂 .

———-

I’ve been depressed. I’m lacking motivation. Concentration is hard. etc. Even a beach trip isn’t cheering me up. It just seems like too much to do even though I went there randomly last month. Spontaneous I can do but having an actual plan…too freaking much!! I’ll get over it. Trust me. 😉

I have to just concentrate on staying at my apartment. I go back tonight. Even the thought makes my stomach flip.

No more thinking!

————

Why do people suck so much? If I ever leave a suicide note, I’m going to make this person’s life a living hell.  Funny – because I don’t think about getting back at people in general while I’m alive. I know it will be taken care of. To do it after death is cruel……right? I’m so nice to this person and it is so frustrating. I have a lot more to say about this but no time right now. I’ll either blog it out or go after it in my paper journal. That is my therapy.

————–

House of Cards” is really good. I can’t wait for season 2.  I tried watching “Girls” season 2 over the weekend. So not for me. I liked season 1 more. I only was able to get through episode 6 or 7 of season 2. I still heart Lena Dunham but her show…ugh.

second chance

I’m free to type! I am doing what I used to do on NYE – get a hotel room. I’m at the Sheraton and get this I only paid $8.00 for this room. I had a free night from hotels.com so I used it.

I’ve been obsessing over a lot of things including suicide. I was going to do it Sunday night but I keep thinking about my mom. We had three deaths in the family within a very short period of time recently. I can’t do this now. Basically I’m only living for her and that sucks. :/

The only thing that would save me is money. To be specific: $200,000. Well if I could get the money in 4 months or less, $100k would do. After that my credit will be ruined so I would need more.

How much can a person get for selling their virginity? Oh shut up and do the smart thing: kill yourself. Your life is OVER. Except that and do it. Just do it.

But this, but that. blah, blah, blah.

I have been eating one meal a day. I’m not even hungry. I’m going to lose weight quickly. I hope I don’t get below 100lbs. That would scare me.

I won’t blog about it much more. Just know that it is always on my mind these days. Will I have the courage to do it? If my mom weren’t alive, I’d be dead right now. That I know for sure. I’m so close to doing it. “3 deaths in the family. How would your mom feel?” Wash & repeat.

It sucks.

So that is enough of that. Project Life post coming soon if I can actually post the post. I pick up my photos tomorrow.

The Root

Said, I went, said I went, said I went to the doctor
The man told me there ain’t nothin’ wrong with me
But I beg to differ, I been feelin’ this pain
For much too long, oh, yeah

You can swallow pills? Wahfuckinghoo! You can probably talk too. WOW. I guess that means everybody should be able to do it.

Really? People are so annoying. But great for you to be able to do those things. I’m happy for you. 😉 Sorry but that “just swallow it” BS really pisses me off. And I’m (clinically) depressed. I don’t speak for all depressed people but I prefer not being around people so please just let me be. That is all. I’m not trying to mean or rude. But you can interpret it that way and most people will. And I don’t care. I’m just trying to survive at the moment.

The move didn’t work out. Shocking. I really don’t care. No one is going to buy the house without me getting approved for a short sell anyway so there’s no rush. But I hope I can move everything out within a month. Blah.

I went to the doctor. She rocks!! I never thought I would have a good thing to say about a general practitioner but she is so great. I even love the office. Great location etc. Why do I love her so? She didn’t make me get a pap smear. I love her!!!!! Although it might have been because I lied and said that I went to my ex-PCP 2 years ago. In reality it was 3 years ago. Did that make a difference? I don’t know. She asked me if I had a OB/GYN and I said no. I’ve never had one. So…I don’t know. I’m just relieved I was able to escape that.

I was also able to escape the tongue depressor! SCORE. I told you she was great. I almost got sick thinking about it. I woke up so early worried about the tongue depressor of all things. I couldn’t get back to sleep.

I was supposed to have an ultrasound but of course, the one person they have to do it was on vacation so I have to go back next week. Sigh. I really wanted to get this over with because I can’t take any real time off from work for the next THREE MONTHS. So hopefully I will be able to schedule it after work. Anyhow the ultrasound is for my gallbladder. With the pain I’m feeling and the nausea, I believe it could be that.

But if it isn’t that…then she said it might be an ulcer. (Is she reading my blog or what?) Then I would have to go to a specialist for that. I just want it to be the thing least painful to treat. I don’t care which one it is. Ulcer or gallbladder. I’ll take the no pain option. Thank you.  If the nausea weren’t taking over my life, I wouldn’t have gone to the doctor in the first place. Generally I don’t do doctors.

She did prescribe an OTC medicine. The problem is that I forgot to mention that I can’t swallow pills. (Yes I have tried everything). I just thought I would be able to crush the pills like I do with my other medicine but it says not to on the bottle. And I’m scared that it will mess up my throat. The last thing a person with gag/nausea issues need is a throat problem. So I’m not taking the medicine. Maybe when I get my blood work back or get the ultrasound, I will see her again and tell her. I hope she gets it and doesn’t start telling me ways to swallow medicine. I KNOW. I HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING. geez. This isn’t some new problem.

But she is awesome until she mentions a pap smear so I’m sure she will get it. She doesn’t really believe the OTC medicine will work anyway. It is just a “try it” sort of thing.

Edited to add: UGH, I’m feeling sick again. 😦 Unfortunately I HAVE TO go into the office tomorrow. I need the ultrasound STAT.

———–

Wow, I sent a tweet to one of my favorite singers (Jennifer Peña) – about how her music saved my life. She responded!!! Unfortunately I led her to believe I could understand Spanish by tweeting to her in Spanglish. LOL. She responded in Spanish so I don’t know if I’m interpreting her response correctly. I think she basically said she appreciated the truth (?). The power of Twitter. I really wanted to thank her and let her know how much her music means to me and I finally got the chance. 🙂 The power of music. I could really feel the pain she must have been going through when she wrote those songs.

Her album came out during a very dark time in my life. I was between living places. I couldn’t stand the noise of the apartment among other things so I was occasionally sleeping in hotels (when not in my car). I would listen to her album on repeat. It got me through buying my house.

Music is my life. Music is my savior. In music I trust.

Thanks Jen! 🙂 🙂 🙂

——-

School work for the rest of the day.

If I have to

I’m only “living” right now because my mom is alive. But sometimes I think this is all too much to do just because of one person. Yeah, she would be devasted.  But I’m not really alive…mostly due to her. That is not the point, at all.

Just saying.

I wish I would die tonight. Death is the ultimate joy. Truth is I resent my mom for a few reasons and not being able to kill myself is one. But I could do it…I’m a coward. But on days like today I think I should really kill myself.

No point in talking about it since I won’t do it. Parents really can fuck you up. haha. My only laugh of the day.

She’s already killed me so why not just really end it? I have a conscious. fuck me. I wish I didn’t care.

Maybe I’ll get into a car accident. Or something…there’s hope, right??????????? Other people are dying when it should be me.

I’m sooooooooooooooooo not fishing for comments. I just had to vent somewhere other than on twitter. I feel guilty when  I tweet a lot. I don’t even know if I have any followers. I used to. I stopped checking about 6 months ago. Okay, wierd ramble.

I’m just a sinking ship

Depressed.

No overtime for me. Maybe ever. Okay, if I ever start working at home I will work OT. This sucks.

I know I’m depressed when going to the library is not fun. I went to the self help section but I knew none of those books could possibly help me or give me insight. Going to the travel section (my fave) was equally depressing because if I can’t do OT, should I be planning a “Carolinas” road trip this summer? I’m so deflated.

Even the true crime section bummed me out. What the point? Will I even read the books I checked out? Can I afford to read library books? (sarcasm).

“Stop feeling sorry for yourself”

Anyway, a new person called me about Avon and that is the last thing I want to deal with right now but I feel like I have to call her back…today. fuck.

And what about my fun metal jewelry making class? Argh. I have the application. And what about yoga? woe is me.

I don’t want to admit it but typing this out made me feel a little better.

I will keep breathing even though I’m not alive.

 

break even

I think the Van Gundy brothers are hot. #nba

People call people crazy when they don’t get them. They do it do dismiss the person. Dehumanize the person so they can continue to talk about the person without feeling bad. Would any human being call a real crazy person crazy? I know the answer to that is sadly “Yes”. But there are some compassionate, humane people out there…somewhere. I have hope.

People are threatened by anything different. Everyone (well in America) wants to think everyone is the same. I don’t know where this came from…my theory is guilt but I admit I could be way off. But Americans like to pretend that everyone is the same. And guess what. It’s NOT true. It is sooo obviously not true but no one acknowledges it. It’s wierd. To me.

I never had the “everyone is the same” belief. I was and still am the ugly duckling. Never turned into a swan. (Shoutout to Hans!) I always felt like the outsider. And I still am. People take one look at me and just know that something is “off”. I overhear people making comments all the time. So I’ve always know that if I’m different, well others are too. That seems obvious to me but others don’t think that way. ?????

People dismiss anything different as “crazy”. They don’t know how else to describe it. They don’t dare say “different” or even “odd” because that threatens them for some reason. It’s like they want to believe everyone is on the same playing field. It comforts them. I see this everyday (not just with personally. I observe it in groups or if I just overhear two people talking about someone I don’t know).

I don’t know why I’m posting this. I was or will be on the midst of a nervous breakdown. My dad cannot live in my house. Not because I don’t want him too (but there is that too). My house is a storage house. There is no room. And guess what I am taking two classes. One class is much harder than I thought it would be. I don’t have time or the resources to get a room ready by June something.

AND work has totally flattened me. I haven’t been taking my classes seriously. I have to study/do homework at lunch because that is before all the bad stuff happens. When I got home on Wednesday and Thursday I was so depressed. I barely did a thing. I did make myself and go outside with my cat to do something. I had to do *something*.

I can’t let work get me down. Today was surprisingly a good day. 🙂 I went to work 3 hours after most of my coworkers. I can’t do that during the week because I can’t get any house or school work down if I’m getting home at 6:30PM. That can’t happen. On Tuesday I’m planning to be leave by 4PM at the latest.

One thing I noticed while looking at my vacation photos was I WAS REALLY SMILING! I never smile. Even when I think I’m smiling, I go back and look at the pictures and I looked so depressed. The one that makes me the saddest is my high school graduation. I really thought I was smiling but I look so sad. And there is was nothing sad about me leaving high school. (I didn’t walk across when I graduated from college. Had no desire. I don’t think it was an option in high school plus my parents probably really wanted me to do it.)

Even though New York City was sooo not relaxing, I actually smiled. The digital camera was an enlightened and nightmarish invention for me. About 6 years ago, I would take a pic of myself. I don’t know why I started it. I looked like death. Depressed. Sad. DEAD. I could not smile. It’s late and I don’t want to BS

I smiled…I was depressed…and now I’m floating.

This isn’t supposed to make sense. I’ve been up forever and I’m scared to ask my dad……………fuck,

depressed

  • could not get moving this morning
  • was late to my monthly counselor session
  • need more than monthly sessions
  • learned simple yoga pose in counseling
  • spent $120 to temporarily control wok environment – me being cynical could work for a few months. heh
  • finances messed up
  • was working on paying off discover card – that is delayed
  • can’t do anything
  • no appetite
  • counselor told me not to quit job. heh
  • wish i was going to nyc alone or not at all
  • how to fake being ‘happy’ while going to nyc -ugh
  • off tomorrow, better get ish done
  • paid for summer school, need used textbook
  • i’m dead spiritually, when is the physical going to happen? so impatient
  • welcome to my 30s.life suxs. 😦

scarred

And doesn’t that sound familiar? Doesn’t that hit too close to home?
Doesn’t that make you shiver; the way things could have gone?
And doesn’t it feel peculiar when everyone wants a little more?
And so that I do remember to never go that far,
Could you leave me with a scar?
Could you leave me with a scar?

-Missy Higgins

I’m depressed. At least I know why and it isn’t the restless/wtf is wrong with me depression. Both suck. I just like to have a reason. I still dream of death but I know I will keep moving (since my mom is alive).

I did get a lot accomplished at home today. Leaving work before 5 (or @ a lil after 6) makes a huge difference when it comes to traffic. I got home @ 5:15, drank some caffeine and got my clothing organized. yay! I just have to keep it up. I still need to throw more clothes away. But I always think, “hmmm, I could sleep in this”. I also finally put my cat food in the glass container. No more cat food bags sitting around. (exciting entry!) Now I need another glass container for the stray’s cat food. That’s another $15 but it must be done.

———–
Work. They know I had an emotional breakdown on Friday. Everyone knows…even the lady who used to order Avon from me, no longer orders. (she does not work in my department). That is a little relief because I don’t have to buy brochures 2x a month. I will buy 1x a month & save $$ and trees. However, part of me is hurt and rejected. Just a little.

I’m so lost when it comes to people. That is probably where most of the depression is coming from. I don’t want to delve deep in my paper journal because I don’t wanna cry over this shit again.

I wanted to blog about how I know I’m fucked up. I’ve been studying Buddhism for 5+ years. Of course I know I played my part in all this. I would have to be delusional to think that I’m just being slammed for NO reason.

FEAR is the cause of 75% of the mess that is my life. Fear is translated into anger. Example: I’m scared of people. So every silent message I send is a ‘hate’ sign. (There is only love or hate). That is why I get into these situations. Karma.

Why am I working on my social anxiety? Because social anxiety is ALL FEAR ALL THE TIME. I also think I have some autistic issues.

My point is that I’m very aware of the cycle. My coworkers think I’m not. And how would they know? There is one huge thing that bugs me about them. They keep saying, “I could deal with this.” or some version of that. OF COURSE YOU COULD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You don’t have:

  1. ZERO social support
  2. social anxiety
  3. depression (hopefully if they have it right now, they mask it well).

I could go on. But those are the major things…especially the first two. When you handle your problems all by yourselff because you have NO FRIENDS, call me back babe. Until then STFU about “I’ve dealt with stuff harder than this”.

please! the nerve…………