I’m a toy that people enjoy

*******BREAKING NEWS******** Oh my fucking god! I passed the test!!! How the fuck? OMG. I passed. I needed a 70. I made a 73. WTF? I passed? OMG. I’m screaming right now. *&#^*


They are currently grading my exam. I might find out my results tomorrow. Or I may have to wait until Monday.  I think that’s what happened last time. I had to wait over the weekend. Fun times. I will probably put a breaking news update at the top of this entry IF I pass. lol. If I fail, I will be too despondent. I honestly don’t know how I will feel if I fail. I don’t think I will be depressed because I’m kind of expecting it.

Depo-Provera update: Well, I think it is slowly working. Overall, I’m not sure I would recommend Depo. Okay, I wouldn’t. It only worked for me because I work at home and don’t go out a lot. Depo would have destroyed my life if I had to go out a lot. I know that sounds dramatic, but that is how bad (heavy) my periods were.

I shouldn’t say were because I still get heavy periods from time to time, but it is not as bad as it used to be 5 weeks after I started the Depo. I’m getting my 3rd injection next month. I hope by then my period is completely gone. I didn’t gain weight from it or get depressed or crazy mood swings. Those were the things I was most afraid of. I had no idea heavy periods were even a side effect!

I wish I had an IUD inserted, but I didn’t want to deal with all that. But it would be nice not to have to go get an injection every 3 months.

It looks like I’m going to a Jehovah Witness Bible study on July 15. In case anyone is new, I’m agnostic. I used to consider myself an atheist, but I’m not one anymore. I don’t even know much about the JW religion even though M has been coming to my house for over a year. lol. Recently I’ve rarely seen her because I’m usually out on Saturdays.

About a month ago, she came to my house during a weekday while I was working! I was soo pissed. (not very spiritual). Don’t mess with my work or my sleep. 😉 I know she could tell I wasn’t thrilled she interrupted my work. I thought I would never see her again, but she came by this past weekend to invite me to Bible study so unless something comes up, I’m going. Since it is a Saturday, I don’t see anything coming up.

I like learning about other religions. I used to study religions for fun while I was growing up. I’m not excited about the Bible study, but it’ll only last 30 minutes. I’m open minded, and I probably need to get out more. I just go grocery shopping and to doctors these days.

I always say I don’t have friends, but I guess M could be a friend. I’m not into the whole friends thing, but intellectually and spiritually I know I can’t be isolated.

This week I…

Music of the week: Lorde, Halsey, Ellie Goulding, Shakira, Ed Sheeran, Little Mix, Alicia Keys, Ariana Grande

Lorde is freaking fantastic. I never knew that until now. Anyone can do ONE good album. But her sophomore album is possibly better than her debut.

TV of the week: Bloodline, NBA Draft

Direct TV Now made my life a little bit easier, and I’m so thankful because I was stressing out about the service. They noticed that I wasn’t using it during the free trial week so they sent me an email with a FREE 30 days. Yay! I’m planning on canceling it before the trial is over because of the lack of DVR service, and I don’t want to pay $50 a month. I do plan on signing up for Hulu TV Live by October. Why October? That’s when the NBA season starts.

If Direct TV Now, comes up with a DVR service (without raising the price) within the next two weeks, I will consider keeping the service. I know they are thinking about it and probably planning it. I doubt they add it in two weeks. I wish they would.

Movie of the week: I swear I’m going to finish Me Before You this weekend.

Books of the week: I finished reading The Rules Do Not Apply by Ariel Levy. It was an okay read. I gave it 4 stars on Goodreads which is better than okay. The more I think about it the more average it was.  I don’t know who I would recommend it to. Maybe people who love memoirs?

Now reading:

I don’t know if I’m going to finish the Manson Murders book. It is so long, and I don’t think I have enough time. As of right now, I’m going to try to finish it. Haven’t given up yet. I put too many books on hold at the library.

Planner update: Plans of the week in my Erin Condren


Plans for the Weekend: I’m going grocery shopping at two stores in my borrowed maxi dress from LeTote. lol. I don’t like grocery shopping so anything I can do to amp myself up, I do it. I had a 5-month break from LeTote because I don’t go out much in the winter. But now I’m back.

Thanks to all the people who have used my Lyon + Post referral link! I can’t thank you enough. I was able to order two blouses this week with the money from the link. 🙂

Even if I don’t pass the test, I probably won’t study this weekend. I will come up with a study plan though. I plan to read “for fun” this weekend. I really want to make a dent in Helter Skelter. I have never even seen the movie.

Thanks for reading. May you have a great weekend! 🙂

I’m still a dreamer

This entry is going to be about my mom, and I haven’t typed much, and I already feel bad. This is going to be a judgemental entry. I’m judging her behavior. I’m just acknowledging my judgment. I know she’s my spiritual assignment and blah, blah. I was going to come here with my guns blazing and say she’s this and that. But I’ve since done my spiritual work (mainly A Course in Miracles), and I don’t even want to do this entry anymore.

But anyway…

This goes back to my birthday vacation and how different we are. On the first day, I thought, “Oh no! I’m so screwed”. But it actually all worked out. It wasn’t a bad trip at all. On the day we arrived, I wanted to go out to the local beach. She wanted to stay in. I couldn’t believe it. But I know her.

She would rather stay in on vacations and WATCH TV. I kid you not. We are so different. Like I said this end up being a good thing, but at the time, this kind of sucked. I was beating myself up for not going out by myself.

I just have to keep this in mind whenever we go on vacation together. My dog saved the trip too. Thank god he was there. 😉 Next year I don’t think we are going on vacation because I’m not sure I will able to afford Kripalu and a beach vacation. BUT if I can afford both, I will do it. We might do two nights at the beach for my birthday, and then I can do Kripalu with Gabby Bernstein in June or July.

Kripalu is so expensive because I want my own room. After being around people all day, I will want my own room. I’m an introvert after all. But I am considering a dorm or a roommate situation if I have to.

LOL. This entry was supposed to be a bashing entry, but I’m not even worried or concerned about it anymore. I’m over it.

I hate Depo-Provera right now, but I know it is teaching me patience OR it could be teaching me just to deal with my period and don’t try to stop it. Sigh. I don’t know which one it is. Should I stop the Depo after only two injections? Then what was the point of all this? I don’t want to give up just yet. The only side effect I have is a heavier and longer period, btw. bleh.

I wish I could try TMS therapy for depression. I already know of a doctor that can do it. But the insurance company won’t pay for it because I don’t fit ALL the criteria. I have been diagnosed with major depression (that’s good for insurance purposes). However, there are so many hoops. I think I’m going to ask my doctor about it next time I see him in June.

I’m not taking Abilify anymore after I run out of what I have (sometime in 2018 if it doesn’t expire before then) so I need to do something. I either need a new anti-depressant, or I need TMS. I don’t think any of the anti-depressants on the market will work for me. 😦 I know that’s the wrong attitude to have. Ideally, I would love not to take anything for depression or anxiety. But I tried that recently and it didn’t work.

I’m not giving up on not taking any meds. Nor am I 100% sure I want to go med-free. I’m currently researching so I can know what to do in 2018 when I run out of Abilify.

Bonus points for being a virgin

Good news first:

  • My engine light is now off.
  • I didn’t have to get a pap smear today. I did get my Depo injection.
  • I have A Course in Miracles in my possession (from the library).
  • I walked over 4 miles today with no foot pain.

Bad news:

  • My car cost me $421. I kid you not. FUCK. Holy credit card debt.
  • My period has lasted for 21+ days.
  • I have to get another mamogram. I’m not even of age to have to get one, but I have to get another.
  • My iron levels are really low so I have to go back to my PCP to get my iron tested. Another appointment.

I didn’t have to get a pap smear because I’m a virgin!! HOLLA! The nurse practitioner agreed with this. I’ve been saying this forever. Thank god I saw the NP today. My OB/GYN probably would have gone on and done it despite knowing that I’m a virgin. I don’t need annual pap smears. Best news ever.

I was like, “Yo, I’ve never had sex”. All loud and proud! 🙂 Anything to get out of the pap smear. The NP was not taken aback, but the nurse seemed to be. lol.

The nurse and nurse practitioner insisted that after this injection my period should be lighter. Yeah, I’m counting on that. 😉 I hope it is true. For some reason, this injection hurt a little. Last time I felt nothing.

I’m bummed about my period because I don’t want to go to yoga with my period. I refuse. I was going to call this Thursday to register for a class on Saturday. Now I’m not so sure.

I’ll leave it here for now.

Why is this devil on my shoulder?

I hesitate to be happy about this. But earlier I was screaming, “THANK YOU UNIVERSE”!! and hugging my dog. Now I’m back to my normal self.

It’s about work. I thought I was doing much worse than I really was. All I had to do was check it on the computer, but I was so scared, and I knew I was sucking so why bother checking? Then today after my monthly meeting with my manager, I finally got the courage to check. I’m doing okay. Unfortunately, it is only ‘okay.’ But okay is enough to keep my job and to keep working from home…for now.

I need to do better, and I need to work so hard constantly. Some days are stressful. Since March 1, I would say 75% of the days are stress-fests. I’m going to tap to lower the stress. I hope that works.

Depo-Provera update: I spoke too soon about the acne. I broke out over the weekend. I thought it was because I was tapping so much and rule #1 of acne is: don’t touch your face. Tapping involves A LOT of face touching. I also have very sensitive skin, and I’ve been using a new cleanser and blah, blah, blah.

I think it is the DP that is causing the breakouts. I’m not too concerned about it. When I go out on Wednesday, I’m not any wearing makeup, but when I go out on Saturday, I will. Btw, I mean concealer and foundation when I refer to makeup. That is all I wear. I doubt I ever start wearing makeup all the time. It is too time consuming and messy, and I don’t care that much.

AND I have a never ending period. My unscientific theory is: my period will eventually stop forever because I’ve had it so much. 😉 This kind of sucks BUT my period isn’t heavy at all right now so I’m thankful for that. I was able to get on my treadmill for two days in a row!! I don’t exercise when I have my period (usually), so I consider this a win.

Well, I gotta go work on my to-do list. I hope we don’t get any snow. I don’t think we will. I just want to be able to go out on Wednesday and mow my lawn on Thursday. So no snow!! Thank you.

Whatever is going to be will be

Obamacare is/was a nightmare for my mom this year, but she somehow got signed up. However, it isn’t a good situation. This has more to do with Medicaid not being expanded in my state than The Affordable Care Act. I just feel like the ACA made promises it couldn’t keep. I don’t know how the American Healthcare Act will affect her right now. I don’t think it will be better. And I hate the name. lol.

Depo-Provera update: I definitely lost too much blood during my period this week. But this is part of the process to get rid of my period completely. I go see my PCP on April 17. I see my GYN on April 26. If I am still losing all this blood, I will ask my PCP about testing me for anemia.

No depression or weight gain, but I got the heavy period side effect. How long will this last? I would have started after my birthday vacay if I had known what I know now. But there was no way for me to know for sure I would have a heavy period. Everyone reacts differently to the same drug. I’ve heard so many horror stories about DP and most of them don’t involve heavy periods. It’s mood swings, hair loss, acne, weight gain, etc.

I have to accept my side effect and know that it will end…eventually.

I’m not a Christian. Never have been one. I guess I identify as agnostic right now. I believe in a force/power bigger than me. I call it the Universe most of the time. Sometimes I’ll call it God. I bring this up because now I get Christians who think about God (Jesus) all the time or praise him. I totally get it now! #late

I used to sit around and act like I was running this thing called life all by myself. But now I get it. I think that’s been the biggest shift for me. I accept that there is something bigger and I kind of rely on it. I’m still a little stubborn. I am a Taurus after all!

I don’t think the Universe is going to save me. I have to do the work and all that. Prayer isn’t magic. There isn’t any magic, but I do believe in miracles.

Anyway, I’m thankful for my spirituality right now because a lot of shit is going down and I really need it. Work is the main culprit. The universe is probably trying to tell me to leave my job, but dude, I have valid reasons for staying right now. Work is not going well as of March 1. sigh. If it weren’t for my new spiritual practice, I think I would be depressed right now. It’s that serious. I will definitely blog more about the work situation later. I hope it isn’t bad news.

I’m waiting for my part-time job to start back up. I’ve been trying to manifest it. Any time now…

I’m loving my green juice! It is not only healthy, but it energizes me. I just hope Amazon or someone gets this juice back in stock soon because it is somewhat affordable. I don’t even need diet Mountain Dew anymore.  The only thing I don’t like is that I think all of the green veggies mess up my digestive system a little. That’s a common issue.

This week I…

Music of the week:  Ed Sheeran, Amos Lee, Grace, Florence + The Machine, Ryan Adams, Miranda Lambert, BROODS, Snatam Kaur

TV of the week:  basketball, My 600-lb Life, Vanderpump Rules

I haven’t been watching that much news, and it’s been great. I’m 100% into basketball this time of year. One day this week I watched E! News. I haven’t watched that show in at least 5 years.  I didn’t know 80% of the people they were talking about. I only follow musicians these days, so I don’t know movie and TV stars. Anyway, it was great to watch some other type of news and disconnect from the negativity that is cable news.

Movie of the week: none

Books of the week: I finished reading Spirit Junkie: A Radical Road to Self-Love and Miracles by Gabrielle Bernstein. I would have given it 3.5 stars on Goodreads if that were an option. It is more of an autobiography, and I’ve heard Gabby’s story about 50 times, so there wasn’t a lot of new info there. It is still a good read for a newbie. I went on and gave it 4 stars.

Now reading:

Planner update: Plans in my Erin Condren


Plans for the Weekend: Well, it’s going to be cold. 😦 I would love to spend time outside reading. Not happening. I’m going to my mom’s for about 30 minutes on Saturday. I’m off next week for a day and a half. Half a day on Thursday and all day on Friday for March Madness. This is my favorite time of the year.

I’m going to mow the lawn after I get off on Thursday. My yard isn’t that bad, but I should probably mow it while I’m off. As far as this weekend goes, not much happening. I’m going to take another practice exam for my certification on Sunday.

Have a great weekend and thanks for reading. 🙂

Time for me to take action

Why not start with a Depo-Provera update? This is the worst period I’ve ever had as far as how much blood I’m losing. This can’t be healthy. I’m on DP because I was losing a lot of blood for 2 days of my cycle. This seems like more than that, but I haven’t been keeping track and I should have. But it just FEELS that way. Next time I will keep track (if It ever stops – ARGH!).

Cramps also came back after not having bad cramps for the past 8-9 months. Thanks a lot, Depo Provera. No weight gain. My weight is steady. I’m grateful for that. I’m not happy about having a heavier period. That sucks. 😦 It should be only temporary, though. It better be!

The nurse practitioner did ask if I wanted an ultrasound to see why I have heavy periods. But I didn’t know if I was losing an unusual amount of blood, so I said no I’ll just try the Depo. Now I feel like I am losing a lot of blood, but I really don’t know for sure.

All I know is that I’m going on vacation with my dog and mom for my birthday (in May). I need to not have my period during that time. Thank you, Universe. Please?

I started drinking my green juice. It’s called Super Greens. It was affordable compared to the $70 bottle of green juice powder. Of course, it is not available on Amazon right now, so I couldn’t ask for it for my birthday. My mom wanted my birthday list 2 months ago, so I had to get it in this weekend. Anyway… Hopefully, it will be back soon so I can order it in the future. I can’t tell how much it is working for energy. I have been drinking less diet Mountain Dew, and I do feel like it might be working, but I’m not 100% sure.

Ugh, my dad is coming back to the United States…to live with my mom…maybe forever! (They are happily divorced). This is only a problem because when I have to take them to the store, I almost have a freaking anxiety attack. I can barely drive UNLESS I take a Klonopin which I will do.But it is still very awkward. I will try praying, meditating, and tapping before I take them anywhere. I’m fine with taking my mom places. I do it all the time.

I still have a lot of social anxiety around my dad, so it’s really hard. I’m so nervous about this. He’s coming next weekend. Oh dear. I’m going to try to work my spiritual tools over this issue. I hope it works. I need it!

I don’t wanna just be fine

Work just got crazy scary. March will be hard. That is all I can say. I can do it! I have to believe that. I’m trying not to get too stressed about it.

I bought a beanie from a small 3 person company in California. It was $15.00. I opened the package in front of D. She started judging me for buying it. I said something like, “This was handmade in America. I’m proud to support an American business”. Then she said I sounded like Trump. ROFL!

Support things made in America. I buy American when I can even though it usually costs more. Anyway, the company also makes maxi skirts. I’m getting one made for me in April. I can’t decide on the color. I will probably pick gray. The name of the store is Loft415. Not only do they make everything, but their fabric also comes from America. Very important.

I can’t wait to get my maxi skirt. 🙂 Their items are made to order, so it takes a little longer than ordering from a regular store, but my beanie didn’t take long at all.

Depo-Provera update: My period is now 11 days late!!! Wow. I don’t know what to think. I’m just grateful it didn’t come on time. And I hope it never comes. As far as weight gain goes, I lost a pound. I was shocked when I weighed myself and saw a weight loss. I weigh myself once a week.

I’ve been eating okay. I’m not really dieting, but I am trying to keep my calories under 1,500, and I exercise on average about 4-5 days a week. I’m trying a new thing for lunch. I’m eating a banana and yogurt for lunch instead of my normal lunch of processed foods. Today is the first day I’m trying it.

I’m going to start drinking green juice on Saturday. Green juice is not cheap. If it works for me, I will ask for that for my birthday. I’m trying to get off coffee and/or diet Mountain Dew. I don’t drink a ton of coffee. I drink about one cup a day, but I used to drink less. I would love to drink green juice instead of MD. I will link to what I ordered if I like it in a future blog post.

Gotta go.

Still a little defensive

First I gotta say: I’m surprised so many women take any type of hormone-based birth control because of the side effects. It’s not just the side effects. It’s about putting hormones into the body.  I feel a little silly for taking it just to lessen my period. But I did it. It’s over. I had my first injection of Depo-Provera on Wednesday. I can’t take it back. I don’t have to get a second or third injection if I don’t want to.

Some women feel the side effects of DP immediately. The only side effect I’ve dealt with so far is a little soreness in my muscles. Nothing major. It is barely noticeable. Oh! First I have bad news to report – I am getting a pap smear in late April. WHY???! Ugh. It hurts so much.* I am going to ask do I have to get one annually since I’m not having sex. I did skip getting one in 2016.

*It doesn’t hurt non-virgins nearly as much as it hurts me. I’m not trying to scare anyone. This is just my experience.

So I’m bummed and terrified about having to get a pap smear. It will only be my 3rd one. Sucks to be me. 😦 Anyhow, I will get to see my OB/GYN when I go in April. YAY. I didn’t get to see her on Wednesday. Everyone at that office is so nice. I love them and would recommend them to anyone.

When I mentioned that I heard about Depo-Provera and the side effects, the nurse practitioner said the only side effect she knew of is weight gain. LIAR!!!!  Okay. Um. But I don’t want to gain weight. She said my weight was fine (WTF?) and that DP was better for me because I am pre-hypertensive. The pill could raise my BP. I’m hoping I don’t gain weight, but I am prepared for that side effect.

The main side effect that concerns me is the depression, of course. But I’m on an anti-depressant and Abilify, so I hope I’m fine. People also reported acne, hair loss, and mood swings. Those seem to be the most common side effects…along with the weight gain. I can deal with hair loss and moderate acne. I’m not going to like the weight gain, and I cannot deal with depression.

I’m going to be optimistic. I’m going to manifest good thoughts about my body and DP. (don’t laugh). All is going to be well.

While walking through the parking lot, I wanted to scream I’M ON BIRTH CONTROL! Yes, I’m very, very, very late. But a tiny part of me felt a little normal. And then I look at the rest of my life and nah, not normal.

P.S. The injection did not hurt AT ALL. I forgot to mention that.

This week I…

Music of the week:  Grace, Ingrid Michaelson, Cheyenne Kimball, Missy Higgins, Mariah Carey, A Tribe Called Quest, Halsey

Song of the week: Grace – How to Love Me (live)

TV of the week:  basketball, Homeland

Movie of the week: none

Books of the week: Reading  Tears We Cannot Stop: A Sermon to White America by Michael Eric Dyson and Gosnell: The Untold Story of America’s Most Prolific Serial Killer
Ann McElhinney

I just ordered The Universe has Your Back by Gabrielle Bernstein. I already read it a couple of months ago. It is so good! I knew I needed to own this book after I first started it.

Planner update: Plans in my Erin Condren Planner –


Plans for the Weekend: I will be out of the house almost all day on Saturday. I won’t get much studying done. Sunday morning I will study, and if I don’t do a lot of damage at the grocery store, I might go to Michaels. I have an awesome coupon, and I think I can get what I want for under $10. It is going to be 75 degrees on Sunday. Before the coupon, my goal was to study and then go outside and read on the porch with my dog. I might try to fit it all in.

The one thing I keep putting off is backing up my files. I have it in my planner for Saturday, but I doubt it happens. I just don’t feel a strong need to do it. Maybe I will just backup the stuff related to my certification. Everything else can wait.

Have a wonderful weekend. 🙂


I was busy doing nothing


101 days until my birthday cabin vacation

134 days until my certification exam

I haven’t even had the Depo shot yet (maybe that’s a good thing), and I’m worried about the depression thing. Very worried. The doctors say people with extreme depression should not take Depo. But what if the anti-depressant works? ARGH. I don’t know what to do.

It’s easier for me to get a shot than to take a pill because I can’t swallow meds. I do take meds, but I have to crush them, and some pills cannot be crushed. It just seems like the Depo-Provera shot would be the answer. But the side effects. I don’t want to deal with spotting for a long period of time even if my period eventually stops. I CAN’T deal with depression. I think that’s been proven.

Too bad the shot lasts for 3+ months. Geez. If a person has side effects, she has to deal with it for 3 whole months, and some people say the bad effects lasts longer!

So I don’t know what to do. I think I’m going to read more about it. As of right now, I’m going to ask for the Depo shot. I’m sure she’ll ask about my depression. If she doesn’t think it’s a good idea, I’m not going to demand it.

I’ll just talk to the nurse practitioner. I hope she has at least 20-30 minutes to talk. lol. I never want to talk. However, this is a unique situation. I may take some notes in. I have to remember to remind her about having to crush pills IF I have to take a pill. And I have to make sure I emphasize this is all about stopping my period. That is all I care about. Nothing else.

This week I…

Music of the week:  Missy Higgins, Mariah Carey, Grace, Miranda Lambert, A Tribe Called Quest, John Mayer, Cailee Rae, Ellie Goulding

TV of the week:  basketball, Homeland

Movie of the week: none

Books of the week: I’m picking up Tears We Cannot Stop: A Sermon to White America by Michael Eric Dyson from the library tomorrow. It is now on the NYT Bestsellers List so I can’t renew it. I must read it in two weeks time.

I just started After You by Jojo Moyes. I loved book 1 of the series.

Planner update: Plans in my Erin Condren planner:


Plans for the Weekend: My mom is coming over to help me clean the whole house. That should be fun. (<—sarcasm). What else? I have to study for my certification exam. I will probably say that until the date of the exam.

My next entry will probably be a Stitch Fix post if I have time to take pictures. I canceled Trunk Club and LeTote is on hold until June, so I decided to get some spring/summer clothes. I know what I’m getting because I peeked on the app. I like what I saw…BUT all I have to say is “white vest.” Who the hell wears white? OMG. Dying. I will try it before I send it back. I did ask for a vest, but I wanted tan or blue. Maybe it is off white or something. I’m going to have to see it in person. It should be here on Monday.

Thanks for reading. Have a great weekend! 🙂