do you want a ride?


111 days until my birthday vacay

144 days until I take the board exam

Yes, I booked the cabin! I got the 2 bedroom. My mom and dog are coming along too. That should be interesting. My dog and I stayed in the 1 bedroom cabin about 2 years ago, and he was fine. I was worried he might break something. My mom has never been there.

I was going to move up the board exam to right after my vacation. That way I would get a whole week of no work and be able to study. But I didn’t want to mess up my vacation with worry over the exam. I will still study while at the cabin (no tv or internet), but I won’t have the pressure.

I had to use Amazon’s Prime Now again. Unfortunately. I have a toothache. 😦 Not a huge deal for most people, but I am terrified of dentists, AND I have a gag reflex so no one can get near my mouth. So I have to be under anesthesia to get dental care. Insurance won’t pay for that.

That isn’t the only issue.  The real problem is that I need a person to take me and pick me up if I’m under anesthesia. I don’t have friends. My mom doesn’t know how to drive. How am I supposed to find a person? I can’t even use Uber. Doctors/dentists won’t allow that. AND I would have to go more than once. This isn’t a one-time thing.

I don’t know what to do. 😦 I hate being in pain and I hate going to the dentist. The whole ride thing would also be an issue for a colonoscopy. My uncle died from colon cancer. He didn’t get a colonoscopy when he was supposed to. So sad.

I could put signs up at colleges or put it on Craigslist (ugh!). I have a feeling I will have to go to the ER because the pain will be so bad. It’s not that easy. First, I have to find a dentist willing to work on me with the whole anesthesia thing and then I need to PAY for it. So many obstacles.


I’m sick of people on certain social media platforms making a big deal out of every single thing. I fucking hate Instagram. I would uninstall it, but my sister follows me, and I feel weird about that. I only have Facebook for that same reason. I rarely use Facebook. I just have it because I have a few family members on there.

Instagram is nothing compared to the REAL problems in my life. But I had to mention it.

One more thing before I go: I found out why I have raccoon eyes…allergies! My allergies are very new and the darkness under my eyes recently (within the past few months) arrived. If a person looks at me, he or she will assume I get no sleep. But 90% of the time, I do get enough sleep. It is definitely the allergies. I did buy makeup (foundation, concealer and lip stick). I’m thinking about getting a makeover at Sephora. I might blog more about this later.

Gotta go. Bye!

UPDATE: I feel much better today than yesterday. 🙂

Tried to hide it, fake it

All this horrible news today…

My mind should be on the big exam but all I can think of is the work party/gathering. In case a coworker is reading this entry, I’m only going because our manager threatened us. Remember? She threatened us about the Xmas party (that I didn’t go to). I feel like I have to go AND I haven’t met the new manager yet. That is the second reason I’m going.

I know they are going to question why I came. Who goes to a party and doesn’t talk? ACK! It isn’t going to be a typical party. I wouldn’t be going if it was. I would just wait until the next gathering. I have never been to a normal party. This is taking place at a restaurant. I assume we will be sitting most/all the time. GOD, this is going to be so awkward. Why am I going? But a restaurant gathering seems much easier than a regular party. No one can hit me with food.

I’m going to this “party” and then I’m not going anywhere for at least 6 months. That means no holiday gatherings for me. One and done? Probably…especially if it goes bad. I need to stop thinking about it. After the boards, I will have more time to worry/focus on it. lol.

I’m cramming for the boards but I’m also knitting  while watching TV to calm my nerves. How much studying can be done? I will study for an hour or two tonight.  I have panic attack nightmares about the boards. What if I have a panic attack? AHHH!  Overwhelm. Overwhelm. Next topic.

I really want/need to go to the dentist but I can’t afford it. I do have an okay dental plan. It isn’t as good as the one I used to have. Anyway, none of the dentists I can use are in my network. I need a dentist with anesthesia services (due to my severe anxiety). It would possibly cost me $1000? Ouch. I can’t do that. My plan will probably cover some of the cleaning but none of the anesthesia.

Another thing about the dentist is that I would need someone to drive me. WAHHHHHHHHHHH! Woe is me. It pays to have friends. So what do I do? I hate the rules but I get it. My mom doesn’t drive and she takes care of her mom so she can’t be the one. I was thinking of hiring someone on craigslist but HELL NO. I would feel so awkward with a stranger. Perhaps I could do a posting asking for a home health aide? They are used to working with strangers. Or maybe I can take a cab with my mom one day if she can find someone to take of her mom. Blah. It doesn’t matter now due to the cost.


Silent My Song

ARGH! When will I learn? When will these people learn? NEVER! I give up on trying to communicate on my terms. I reached out again and what a way to make me feel like a piece of shit. I hope you’re happy. You probably are. ROFL. 🙂 hahaha

Abilify is still the best thing ever. However, there are concerns like I don’t think there is a generic yet. I don’t know the cost because I had doctor samples. I do know that some people had problems in 2006 because their insurance wouldn’t pay for NON-generic meds for more than 6 months. I hope these people weren’t bipolar and/or Abilify was the only thing that worked.

I have one more thing to say about Abilify: It may make you very sleepy at first. Please don’t stop it just because of that. You have to give it at least a week. Only stop it if you have the serious effects your doctor (hopefully) told you about.

The biggest thing the med has done for me is literally get me moving. I didn’t know I was so depressed until the Abilify started working. It starts working quickly…Oh and you may not want to take it at night. Listen to your doctor. Of course my doctor didn’t tell me when to take it so I had to figure it out myself.

Now I get so much more done. It is just like the commercial. It winds you up. I don’t linger in bed after the alarm goes off. I’m up early on the weekends. I have more TIME. I feel normal (in that one way). I’m on the lowest possible dose (2.5 mg) and I’m supposed to go up to the regular amount late next week. More updates then…………

I went to the dentist. I just wanted my teeth clean. That’s it. It didn’t happen. Since I couldn’t do the “bite down” x-rays, they wouldn’t/couldn’t do anything. I kept gagging. It was horrible. And it kept getting worse, the more they tried. I never want to go through that again so that is the end of that.

I’m still awaiting my final grades.

I have to get over my coworkers. You will not be the death of me.

Since I have been posting pics lately, here is a pic of a bedroom I really like. It isn’t a head over heels love but I like the browns and greens. Love the details.

The pic is from HGTV Rate My Space site. I could spend hours there.

what I cannot change

I really need to find my paper journal. This entry (minus the pictures) needs to go there. I know it is here somewhere. I refuse to buy a new one. I spent $20 on that journal! I’d never spent over $5.00 for a journal until I saw it in Barnes & Nobles. It is more than halfway full so I do need a new one. Yes I’m saying “need”. Writing is like therapy for me…listening to music falls into that class also.

ABILIIFY – Um, Hmm. I really want this to work. Being able to get up on the weekends rock! But for the past week, I have been getting up at 4AM. I’m not 100% sure this is due to the medication. I don’t go to bed at the same time every night so I think it is odd to get up at almost the exact same time every morning. 4:09AM. That is weird. I’m pretty sure someone is slamming their car door at that time. But what really is bad is that I was getting sooooooo tired at work. It was ridiculous. I can’t go in until 6AM so I would try to do homework, catch up on the news etc until 5AM.

That was not working. AT ALL. So last night I stopped taking the med at night. Guess what I didn’t set my alarm and woke up at 7AM. HOWEVER, there are other variables to consider. I finally turned my window unit AC on. That blocks out some outside noise. (I really miss that in the winter – I can hear everything when I don’t have my AC on). The other variable is that I took 1mg of Ativan before bed. I don’t buy that having that much of an effect. I don’t take it often but there is no way that very low dose knocked me out.

Tonight I’m skipping the Ativan. And I will start taking Abilify around noon everyday. I would like to take it before work but I’m worried that it will make me sleepy. I took it at noon today and couldn’t tell if it made me more tired. Like I’ve said before, I am always tired. Abilify just gets me up and moving more…especially around the house. It’s awesome but I have to sleep.

Sigh. Tonight will be another experiment.

What Abilify DOES NOT DO: It doesn’t do help me focus on school. Sure I have more energy but I made 3 brooches in two days. LOL. 😉 I will post pics of those later. I’m planning on selling this Sunday. Weather permitting. I’ve just started “making” brooches so as of right now, I have no plan to sell them this weekend.

I’m just bored with school. Or I can’t focus. Or I suck. I dunno. I have my midterms next week. One is on Tuesday morning. I also have a dentist appointment!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (on Tuesday) Yes exclamation points are necessary. I can’t believe I made the appointment.

I have noticed that I’m more normal. Sorry can’t say more social. That sounds like I’m making friends and stuff. But I have gone up to workers in the craft store and asked questions. I became a regular at the craft store for a week. That is something I would shy away from in the past. Going to the same store 3 times in one week…NEVER. But now I feel more ‘normal’. I even exchanged something. Normally, I would just live with it.

I was also more conversational on a phone call. Too bad it wasn’t work related. It was my own stuff. I don’t talk normally but to him, I sorta did! 🙂

I know I’m using the word “normal” a lot but when you are abnormal, you notice that there is a socially excepted way to be. There is a norm. No one is really normal, I guess. But I’ll show you abnormal. Nothing about my life at my age is the norm. Nothing.

I have to go. One last homework assignment is calling but I have some cool pics for you jewelry lovers:

Here are some polymer earrings. They look better in person. I would love to be able to make these one day but for now I’m focused on beading. Oh, yes these are mine. Not selling. 🙂


I’m debating on what to do with the following two pieces:

I’m thinking I will sell the above even though I wore it once and loved it. Both are these necklaces are made of resin.

Resin necklace

Anyone who wants the above will have to pay full price. I love these pieces. Gotta go.

Me, Myself, and Time

Update on Abilify: I’m still yawning all the time…especially at work. But I don’t come home and crash from exhaustion anymore. In fact, I could be getting stuff done. 😉 I take power cat naps instead. They are awesome. However, I’m still not motivated when it comes to school. I’m doing homework but I’m not studying much. I am reading for fun instead of studying. Great.

I do have more energy. Example: On most Sundays, I would get up after noon. Sometimes it would be 2PM! That has only been happening since the semi-major depression. (a year or two??) Now I’m getting up at 8AM on the weekends. WOW. That is my old life. A life I thought was gone forever.

I guess this is good but I have to adjust. It really seems like it happened overnight.

I am trying to adjust to my new life…and not fall into my old ADD patterns. Even before I’d had any changes, I was going on and on to my therapist about what I would be doing this summer. She was like “Woah! Don’t try to do too many things or you’ll get overwhelmed.” Well that is the story of my life. I have so many interests. Let me back up. All of these plans are not interests. I talked about taking a cooking class (could be fun but I don’t see cooking as a fun thing – well may be some baking). I mentioned seeing a financial adviser because I really want to get out of my house. That is not fun. That is scary. Worst case scenario: I’m stuck because I don’t make enough money/my house won’t sell.

I’m still planning on taking the cooking class. They did a local TV spot on them and now their classes are selling out. A year ago, I NEVER saw a sell out on their calendar so I have to register within the next few weeks. I’m definitely at least taking the crochet classes even though I’m more interested in jewelry making. (There wasn’t a schedule for that so I have to go back and leave my name and number with the cashier).

So that is 3 enjoyable classes AKA no grades!!!! FUN. Interesting. YAY. 🙂

But that’s not all. I’m going to learn how to use mulch on my lawn. I’m going to the dentist in May even though I haven’t called to make the appointment. OMG, my stomach just flipped. I’m not scared of getting my teeth cleaned. I’m scared of the X-rays. I always gag on those things. And to make matters worse…I googled “going to the dentist without getting X-rays done”. Guess what? A dentist said this is a liability issue! Can I sign away my rights? Heh. Shouldn’t I be able to get my teeth cleaned without X-rays? I’m dumbfounded. Trust me I will be high on Ativan. I don’t usually take it (makes me sleepy) but I’m taking 3 times the amount I was prescribed just to go to the dentist.

If I have to have Xrays…this is going to suck. I may not go through with it. I gag. What am I suppose to do. Be put to sleep? They do that to kids sometimes* but I don’t know how that is done so…

*There was a recent story about a boy under 5 years old who died from the anesthesia. He had a dental issue and they put him under. It wasn’t a necessary dental procedure. I feel so bad for the mom. Can you imagine her pain? I can’t.

Just reading this screams “ADD” to me. AND I’m also thinking about going to grad school (only if my job pays, I would not consider it otherwise). LOL. At this point I’m either getting a PHD in psychology – educational or a Master’s in Fine Arts (MFA) with a concentration in jewelry making. To get the MFA, I have to set up a portfolio of at least 12 items I’ve made in the past two years. So I need to make about….12 items. LOL. And they have to be good. Promising. Show talent. I also probably need letters of recommendations (ick!) and some test. Obviously to get a PHD, I need the recommendations, to take the GRE and have an interview. The MFA might require an interview also.

I know all this seems nuts. Or to me it does. But it will take me at least one year to have 12 items. As I’ve said, I already have the basics of jewelry making down but none of that is good enough for a MFA. I can make and have sold my leather necklaces and that is pretty much it. So I would need to take as many “fun” classes as I can and hone my craft. I don’t even know if I have the talent.

The PHD just seems daunting. I would only take one class a semester. Note: Don’t tell the school that when I’m interviewed.

I don’t know. I’ve always wanted to do research not teach– animal research. No matter the research a PHD is required to do your own thing. See? I’m fucking OOC.

OOC =out of control.

Catherine & Demi
on stands now

I’m very proud of Demi Lovato and Catherine Zeta Jones for admitting they have bipolar disorder. How long before the public thinks bipolar disorder doesn’t exist because “all of a sudden these celebrities are coming out”. Call me cynical. Whatever. I hope they deal with it okay. It isn’t easy. From what I’ve read, Demi seems so relieved to know that she has a diagnosis. I can relate.