If Walls Could Talk

I’m broke. Not fake broke like people in the middle-class people say. My bank account is going negative every 30 days. Luckily I work for a company that gives me benefits with this particular bank, so I’m not charged a big fee for overdrafts. I didn’t even know that when I switched banks.

Anyway, something has to change. I should just file bankruptcy. That’s the SMART step. I talked to a bankruptcy lawyer, but he was rushing, and I didn’t understand how much I had to pay him. I know it’s $300 a month, but for how long? Am I paying back any of the creditors? If so, then I may as well do what I’m doing, which is debt consolidation. Why should I stop paying my bills for 6 months AGAIN? I had to do it for debt consolidation. I’m a Taurus. It doesn’t feel good to NOT pay bills. It feels like shit, and I would like to not feel that way again.

I had to cancel Netflix. ROFL! Woe is me. I had to cancel my therapy appointment, and I will probably cancel my therapy appointment for December. I don’t have food enough for two weeks, but I’m “borrowing” from my mom. I say borrow because I will pay her back. It depends if/when I get a PT job. I applied for two. I passed the test and even had an orientation date for this Wednesday. BUT the hours are horrible for someone with a full-time job. The pay is $16 an hour for overnight but ugh, I NEED MY SLEEP. I’m on these new meds and sleep is necessary.

The medication situation is not that great. But that’s not important now. I can’t NOT take my meds or I will have nightmares. That means I’m waking up every 5 minutes. My legs shake. Etc. So I just keep taking the meds. I have to talk more about this later. The point is that the medicine makes me very sleepy and I have to take them.

Anyway, tomorrow I’ll be near a mall for hours while I get my car inspected. I can’t buy anything, but I’ll see if any of the big stores are hiring. Sorry, I can’t do the small boutique-like stores. I can’t. It’s hard enough being around people at all. The small stores terrify me. :/ But I feel like I could probably find a good small store that I like. I don’t know.

I’m going to work on my astrology stuff* for the first few hours. I’m getting to the dealership at 7:30 AM. I’ll probably work on stuff until 10AM and then head to the mall. It would be nice if my car were done by 10, but I know this place.

*I get paid my Teachable on December 1. I’m so pissed they are holding my money for so long. I launched the class 6 weeks ago. They did pay me $46 almost immediately, but they are holding the other money by the sales made by PayPal. So I do have that money coming in. Of course, it’s already gone, but whatever.

I’ll just be happy if my bank account doesn’t go negative again.

I’m off from work until Thursday! YAY. And then next week is Thanksgiving. Another two days off. Woohoo! I have calls scheduled with ideal customers all day on Tuesday. I hope I get good feedback. I hope one of these seven people is an ideal customer. I already talked to one person, and while she’s not my ideal customer,  she gave me a TON of ideas. She told me stuff I never thought about!

Btw, to be an ideal customer, the person must believe in astrology, searching for something more in life,  be open to learning about it and be spiritual. Sometimes I wonder about the spiritual part, but whatever. I also say “bonus points if you like thrift stores”. LOL. Seven calls???! I never talk to seven people in a day. I’m such an introvert. And most of these calls are taking place on Zoom! I know WTF was I thinking? So that is what I’m doing on Tuesday.

This week I…

Music of the week: Emily James, Taylor Swift, Lauren Daigle, Ariana Grande, Chris Stapleton, India.Arie, Jess Glynne, Lana Del Rey

TV of the week:  Survivor, This is Us

Podcasts of the week: True Crime GarageSo You Wanna Be a Witch, Crimelines, Why is This Happening?

Books of the week: 

  • Her One Mistake by Heidi Parks (thriller) This book is okay so far. It’s trying too hard to be like Big Little Lies.
  • The Good Guy by Dean Koontz (thriller) – I grew up on Dean Koontz, but I haven’t read him in years.

Weekend Plans: Well, today is Sunday. I’m just glad that I have the next three days off. I’ve been working on a plan for SWT (my online biz). I sort of have a clear goal of how I want 2020 to look. My minimum revenue goal is $3,600 for the year. If I don’t make that, I will probably hang it up. I’m relaunching the online course in October 2020. Yes, that is almost a year from now, so I’m not counting on that for money. I have a new idea that will launch this upcoming January. That is where I hope to make money. BUT I have to talk to my ideal customers first to see if my idea matches their wants/needs.

I’m going back to working on my 2020 business plan tonight….as much as I can without talking to potential customers. I have everything set up in Notion. Notion is a life changer. I’m not going back to paper planning EVER. It is the best invention, and I can’t believe I didn’t know about it until two weeks ago. I now have a bullet journal set up on there. Who needs paper? If you join using that link, you get $10 extra storage, but Notion can be easily used for free. It still has ALL the functions free, just less storage. You have to see it to know what I mean. In other words, I suck at explaining how Notion works!

Thanks for reading! Have a wonderful week. 🙂

I let you mess with my head

I’m listening to Gabby Bernstein because people are fucking assholes. I want to rant about Libras and Capricorns. You already know how I feel about Aries. But Libras and Capricorns THINK they are nice, but they can be mean. I have never met a Libra I would consider nice. They are smart and look down on people not as smart as they think they are. They are full of sarcasm. I hate that. Condescending BS.

You know what? These fucking people aren’t worth my time. Obviously. Right? I had a good day on Friday and a decent, productive day today. FUCK THEM!

I always remember who starts things. Always. I DIDN’T DO SHIT TO YOU.

I HAVE SHIT TO DO.

I have two live (as in on video) tarot readings to do. Yes, I’m scared shitless. And I feel like these people are pulling me away from FOCUSING. I kind of tested myself and I feel decent. One reading is tomorrow (Sunday) and the other is Tuesday. I’ve got this.

Paypal Credit can suck it too! I’m not paying them this month. I don’t have the money. I was going to pay them $30 or $60, but that doesn’t cover the minimum. My therapist would congratulate me on not paying. LOL! I will pay them eventually. I hope it is within 3 months. Ideally, it would be within 2 months, but I don’t know. I will work out some monthly plan. I won’t die…hopefully. I know they won’t die. But I don’t want to get more than 3 months behind.

I have shit to do. That should be my new motto. I’m ignoring (starting right now) certain people on social media. That sounds silly, but these people aren’t my friends. We don’t have any other connections. Oh, there is one person in real life getting on my nerves. I wish I could ignore her. Haha. Not possible.

We were never friends. I know that. She definitely knows that. I’m not good enough for her because I have no money. Okay, that was totally WRONG and snarky. I’m not a Libra, no need to act like that. I hope she isn’t vindictive like a Scorpio. I couldn’t take that.

I think Scorpios get a bad rap. Once they do the work on their past hurts, they can be awesome healers. I like their intensity. However, an unhealed Scorpio can be scary.

I needed to vent and rant. Lovely blog. I love my blog. Okay, that’s sarcasm. I love Gabby Berstein and my dog. Marie Forleo is okay too. 😉 I want to say Marie is my business role model, but I keep thinking I’m not like her. She’s an extrovert. She helps people start businesses. She can talk. etc.

Election 2020: I’m kind of sad that Beto dropped out of the race. I didn’t like that he called Elizabeth Warren ‘punitive’. He is too moderate for me, but I liked him on the debate stage. So freaking bummed that Castro won’t be on the debate stage on November 20th. And then there is Bloomberg. Whatever. Next.

This week I…

Music of the week: Miranda Lambert, Natasha Bedingfield, H.E.R, Ariana Grande, Lauren Daigle, Alessia Cara, Backstreet Boys, Beyonce

TV of the week:  Survivor, The Devil Next Door

Podcasts of the week: So You Wanna Be a Witch, Crimelines

Books of the week: I’m rereading  Everything is Figureoutable by Marie Forleo. I’m also rereading Super Attractor: Manifesting a Life Beyond Your Wildest Dreams by Gabby Bernstein. At first, I wasn’t crazy about Super Attractor. Now I can’t get enough. I’ve probably read it three times. I will probably read it 10 more times before the year is over. Who needs new books?

I need to finish Letting Go by David Hawkins. It’s about surrendering negative feelings. Think I need to do that. 😉

Weekend Plans: My therapist is nuts. She wants me to walk my dog twice a day for an hour. I don’t do the cold. I don’t leave my house when it’s cold. I hibernate. But you know what? I’m going to do it. I will walk him right after lunch and right after work. Did I mention that I hate the cold? I sort of hoping it rains on some days just so I have an excuse not to walk.

Tomorrow I’m taking my dog to the park in the morning. I’m really doing it because I want to get my mind off doing the video tarot reading. If I stayed in, I would probably drive myself crazy.

I hope I can get of my mind, tune in and give a good tarot reading tomorrow.

Not hitting the mute button

COUNTDOWN: 10 days until my beach vacay. 🙂

I signed up for 4 weeks of Hello Fresh. I get my first two meals on Tuesday. Two meals is enough food for 4 people. So really it’s four meals for me. It’s not the most cost-effective thing, but I do get $20 off for the first 4 weeks, and then I’m canceling. I’m going to eat on $4 a day after I’m done with this meal delivery service, there’s NO WAY I’m going to spend full price on Hello Fresh. That’s out of my comfort zone. I can eat a baked potato and salad for less than $3. That’s more in my price range. I hate wasting money on food.

Too bad a lot of the meals I wanted are spicy. I can’t do spicy, so I ended up picking meatloaf, tilapia, chicken, and burgers for my first two weeks. Well, I will be on vacation for the second week so I will be skipping one week. I’m glad that’s allowed. Anyway, this will get me cooking. Most of the meals seem doable for a beginner, BUT I might have to buy supplies. I don’t cook so I don’t have shit! I have a small pan for scrambled eggs and a microwave. 🙂

I have a simple meal plan for after Nutrisystem. Here goes:

  • Breakfast: Biscotti and scrambled eggs
  • Lunch: Bar and yogurt or small turkey burger and yogut or a big yogurt parfait
  • Dinner: medium baked potato with a salad, tacos with a salad

I need more dinner options. I will probably end up eating a baked potato (carbs…ugh!) on most days. Tacos will probably happen once or twice a week. My favorite foods are tacos, pasta, and eggs. 🙂 I would love to be able to make pasta, but I know I would eat it too much, so I will probably never learn to make it. Back to dinner options – I will probably add fish (salmon and tilapia) and chicken eventually.

Yoga. Not great. I like the studio and the teacher. However, the teacher did not do the poses. I HATE THAT. She called out all the poses. Even if I knew all the poses, it was sometimes hard to hear her over the music. I’d heard of about 60% of the poses, but I haven’t done ‘hardcore’ yoga in about 7 years. I’m so glad I didn’t buy a pass. So glad. I’m not going back. Before I go to another yoga studio, maybe I should call and ask whether the teacher does the poses. ???

For now, I’m going to do yoga outside in the backyard. All the yoga studios are downtown and ugh, parking. Plus, I don’t want to pay $20 to $25 for a walk-in class. So I’ll just do it free outside until I want to challenge myself. It’ll be exciting to try to learn all the poses. Maybe that will be a goal for this summer.

Therapy. She told me to stop watching the news! LOL. What?? Okay, I have cut down on my news watching by about 60%. I’m a news junkie, so I feel a little out of sorts. As in, WTF is going on? I’m still keeping up with election 2020. That is the only thing I really care about anyway. She also told me not to watch reality TV because it feeds the idea that people are evil. ROFL. Uh, it’s reality. Duh. Too freaking funny. I haven’t watched reality TV at all this week, but I am right now. Haha.

She also was the one that gave me the debt advice. :/ I’m still bummed about that. See last entry. One correction: I said that I never missed paying a bill, but I did foreclose on my house about 9 or 10 years ago. However, I got a shitty loan that Becky wouldn’t have gotten. Becky is someone with money, btw. I think the loan I got is illegal now or they should be so I don’t feel bad at all about that. Not sorry.

I do feel a little bit better about what I’m doing because it is necessary for me to get to the next level. I have to stop using credit cards. I pulled The Star (from tarot) on how to deal with this first month or creditors calling me, getting emails, and maybe being threatned with lawsuits (kill me now). The Star is about self healing. I’ll just quote what Biddy Tarot says on this card:

As the Star follows the Tower card in the Tarot, it comes as a welcome reprieve after a period of destruction and turmoil. You have endured many challenges and stripped yourself bare of any limiting beliefs that have previously held you back. You are realising your core essence, who you are beneath all the layers. No matter what life throws your way, you know that you are always connected to the Divine and pure loving energy. You hold a new sense of self, a new appreciation for the core of your Being.


The Star brings renewed hope and faith, and a sense that you are truly blessed by the Universe. You are entering a peaceful, loving phase in your life, filled with calm energy, mental stability and more in-depth understanding of both yourself and others around you. This is a time of significant personal growth and development as you are now ready to receive the many blessings of the Universe.

biddy tarot.com

This is the best card I could have pulled! I felt hopeful after pulling that. I don’t always trust tarot which is something a tarot reader never says, but recently I’ve learned that tarot is fucking magical. I believe it it now more than I ever have. But I still don’t want to read full-time. I want to do astrology.

So yeah, therapy is going okay. I’m still getting charged full price, BUT they refund me the money about 3 weeks later. Sigh. Even though I’m doing overtime, my finances aren’t great, so I’m worried about always being charged full price. What if I don’t have $80 in the bank at that time? (I would have the copay of $25 in the bank or I would cancel the appointment). I’m in the process of switching banks for the first time ever! So I have to switch everything over ASAP. Double sigh. I will have to withdraw all the money from the ATM because I’m not going inside the bank. I will have a bunch of $20 bills to take to the new bank. It might be about $900!! That’s not suspicious at all. LOL. They wouldn’t let me transfer all my money online. They only allowed $350. Not sure why.

Not much to say about election 2020. I said I didn’t mind a big crowd of people running, but now I believe this is the end of Marianne Williamson. 😦 MSNBC and CNN won’t have more than 20 people on the debate stage. So Marianne can’t make it because she has to be at 1% in three polls due to about 25 people running. This sucks. When people poll the people over the phone, they don’t even mention Marianne. Dammit. Reality sucks.

Biden, Warren, Harris, Sanders, and Buttigieg are currently in the lead. Sorry, that’s not in order. Warren is the only one not beating Trump. She’s at 47%. He gets 48%. But this is too early and doesn’t really matter. People thought Obama wasn’t electable and I think he was president. Not sure. Anyway, MSNBC is loving on Buttigieg a little too much. I like him also, but geez. Beto is finally doing cable news. He must have read my post about him. 😉 Oh, and DeBlasio will probably run. Great. I used to really like him. Now he’s so-so like Corey Booker. He’s not as horrible as Biden. But not ideal.

This week I…

Music of the week: Beyonce, Mariah Carey, Victory, Sara Bareilles, Lissie, Jannelle Monae, Maggie Rogers, Marren Morris

TV of the week:  NBA Playoffs, How to Get Away With Murder

Podcasts of the week: All In with Chris Hayes, Pod Save America, Tarot for the Wild Soul, The Astrology Podcast, The Jim Fortin Podcast, True Crime Garage

Books of the week: Now reading – 

Weekend Plans: Working overtime. I’m exhausted, but I’m loving the extra money, so I can’t complain. I’m going grocery shopping. I will probably buy a few supplies for the Hello Fresh meals. I don’t think I need much. I can just use my mom’s stuff. I prefer to have my own, and I used to, but over many moves, I’ve lost almost all my kitchen stuff.

What else? I have to pack for my beach trip. Not a big deal. Most of my stuff is packed, but I never unpacked from Los Angeles, so everything is mixed up. I have a lot of school work to do. I’m trying to figure out what I want to take with me to the beach as far as stuff to do. I didn’t want to do work, but I probably will do school work. I wanted to just read for fun, but that probably won’t happen. I just want to relax. At least, I don’t have to do real work.

Thanks for reading! Have a great weekend. 🙂

One day we’ll have cats

Ugh. Groan. This sucks. Life. Ugh.

I’ve never been late with a bill. I’ve never left a bill unpaid. I’m an earth sign. We are responsible, loyal and reliable and now because I want to lower my debt, I can’t pay most of my credit cards???! WTF. This is going to KILL ME. I have a bill due on the 5th and to not pay it is unthinkable. They will call me, email me, and leave me voice messages. This sucks.

At least they will get their money one day. Once they agree to the settlement, they will get it soon. I don’t know if Chase will agree. Or others. I know some will. I wish this were some lifesaver, but I still have to pay off Capital One and Paypal on my own. But I should be able to pay them more.

Since I’m not supposed to incur more debt, I’m canceling Nutrisystem this weekend. I wanted to learn how to cook first! 😦 I thought I had at least 6 more weeks of food, but I will probably cancel.

To prepare, I have TONS of cookbooks. Most are Kindle books. So far I can recommend Good and Cheap: Eat Well on $4/Day Then I have two 3D books. I have How to Boil Water and How to Cook Everything The Basics: All You Need to Make Great Food–With 1,000 Photos. I haven’t had much time to look over the last two books yet. I will probably take them with me on vacation (13 days to go!) I need to make a list of “recipes” I want to try. I can’t cook at all. I don’t like cooking. I don’t hate it, but I prefer not to do it.

I know what I will eat for breakfast (biscotti and eggs). Yep, I will probably eat that every single day. Lunch and dinner are trickier. All I know is that I won’t cook every day. I think that’s insane and time-consuming. If I enjoyed cooking, it wouldn’t be too nuts. I’m thinking about eating yogurt and bananas for lunch. Or something. I don’t know.

Tomorrow I have yoga after work. I’m a little nervous since I haven’t been to a yoga studio in at least 7 years. I didn’t even get a chance to practice, so I feel like a newbie. 😉 It’s hot yoga because the yoga studio with the best parking only offers hot yoga. I did hot yoga once, and I liked it. But since it’s so hot in my house and outside, I’m not looking forward to being extremely hot for an hour of exercise.

Gotta go. I’m listening to a tarot book for my tarot class right now. After I post this, I’m going to take notes for an astrology class. I also have to get the horoscopes finished for the other website. Oops! I almost forgot about that.

Just thought I would blog, because I feel like shit for not paying my bills. It’s sucks. And I haven’t even been late yet! How will I deal? I’m not joking. Not paying bills, is not me. Sigh. Groan. At least I’m going to the beach soon. Yay?

Next time, I will blog about my last therapy session, election 2020, and how yoga went. 🙂

Love it when I don’t care

I was going to start this entry off talking about my financial “wins”. But no, I must cover freaking humans first. Sigh.  A certain animal is getting on my nerves too. I won’t mention any names. 😉

Freaking humans. They mess up everything. I would love to just live in a cave. I know only hurt people say bad things and do bad things to others. Not helping right now because I’m pissed. One day last week, someone said something, and it bothered me for about half a day and then all of a sudden I gained a little perspective.

These are my spiritual lessons. Once I realized that I wasn’t bothered by what the person said. Wasn’t bothered at all. I got it. I was happy that I had figured it out. It was a lesson for me to learn. But it keeps happening in different ways, and now I’m feeling kind of ugh.

Apparently, I’m desperate because I just googled “spiritual lessons” and went to this site. I found one that fits my situation:

When you drop all desires and expectations about how people should be, you will never feel deceived or emotionally hurt again.

Duh! I feel better. Not great, but better. Normally I go to A Course In Miracles for my inspiration, but I was so pissed 5 minutes ago, I didn’t even think of ACIM. Google for the win. Actually, I always use Bing. I have to point that out. I rarely use Google. Back on topic…Yes, I think D should behave maturely. LOL. How judgemental, right?

My tiny financial wins!! I am wearing shoes with holes in them. YAY. Slight sarcasm. Normally, I would go out and buy a new pair of shoes, but now I’m just going to make due. I wear these shoes around the neighborhood and to the park. I need to THINK about every purchase and don’t just buy things because something isn’t perfect. Eventually, I will buy another pair of shoes. They weren’t expensive. Less than $13.

I also was going to buy another planner because my Get To Work Book runs out in June. I’m not buying another one. I’m going to use an undated planner I own. That is a bigger win than the shoes because a new planner would cost $60 with shipping. I still “need” to buy a daily planner for work though. The planner I’m currently using also runs out in June. It costs about $48 with shipping. I know that seems expensive, and I will look for alternatives, but I’ve been using this planner for 3 years. I use it daily.

So instead of buying two planners (one for home/personal and one for work), I’m only buying one. If I can find a daily planner cheaper than $48 that can take a beating, I will buy that. So far I have seen nothing on the market comparable. Besides, I know this daily planner works, so I will splurge on that.

I also bought my groceries with cash on Sunday. I usually use my credit card. I did an okay job. I also bought some rice and beans. I NEVER eat beans. And I don’t like white rice. I have only tried one type of beans, and I’m not fond of them. I bought red kidney beans because they look nice. 😉 I’m so lost. Chicken is not the most expensive meat. Why not just stick to that? I don’t know what I’m doing. I just know I would love to get my food bill down to $100 a month. I think that’s doable.

Another win is I have another year to transfer my credit card debt for a year with no interest. It came at exactly the right time! BIG WIN. Now I just need to pay that off in a year.

I’m doing Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University. I’m going to try my best to follow it closely. I say TRY because he wants me to temporarily stop donating to my 401k and I’m not doing that. I kind of want to do it because I could use the extra money if I want to be completely debt free ASAP. It kind of makes sense to do that. I get what he is saying. I just don’t want to do that right now.  Everything else seems doable.

Right now I’m working on my emergency fund. I’m about 50% of the way there.

I love how certain people make ASSUMPTIONS about how I got into debt and other things about my finances. They didn’t know me pre-Abilify. They don’t know why I live where I live. They know nothing, yet they have answers. Interesting. LOL. I can name 3 people judging me for this. I’ll talk about two of them.

One claims she doesn’t judge. Yet she’s judging ME for this. Uh, yeah. Why should I believe in anything she has to say if she can’t admit to judging people? Yes, I am a person. The other is someone I’ve admired, and I’ve paid money to her business. I’m thinking of not supporting her anymore. How can a rich or well off person judge my situation? That’s laughable. No, I don’t care that they used to be broke. I think I will feel much better once I stop giving her any money.

I know I shouldn’t pay attention to these people. And then there’s always the naysayers. Can’t forget them! I should be happy with my wins and just ignore everyone else. They don’t know shit.

I feel much better having gotten this off my chest. 🙂 Bye!

I wanna suffer for my sins

I have a feeling someone I know is reading this blog.  Someone said something. (vague enough?) I stopped checking all stats during late December 2017, so I have no idea what’s going on. Now I’m paranoid, but I won’t check my stats. Besides, it won’t tell me exactly who is reading. The stats aren’t that detailed. I hope no one I know is reading, especially someone from work!

I’m going to cycling class on Sunday. I hope I’m not the worst in the class again. 🙂 Then right after that, I have a session at the sauna scheduled. The buildings share the same parking lot. So perfect. This may be my last sauna session until next winter. I’ll see.

Gabby Bernstein and I had another nice chat. Okay, not really. It wasn’t like it was in LA. But there were only 20 people in the chat. I’m in a closed Facebook group she recently started, and she had a private chat scheduled with any of the 377 people in the group. Only 20 people made it live.

I asked my question in advance, and she answered it first! And she took her time. The answer was so helpful. I get it now. I asked her what judgment had to do with debt because Gabby previously said everything comes to judgment (paraphrasing). She answered my question by going into what A Course in Miracles says. Also, she said don’t focus on the debt because that’s living in lack, focus on earning and having fun. I’m simplifying her answer. It took her about 3-5 minutes to answer the question. I have to watch the video replay. I was so excited she was answering my question. I probably missed something.

I’m the queen of living in lack. I have to catch myself constantly. I was surprised she picked my question and how in-depth she went. She even said she wished she could talk to me and ask questions. I don’t use my real name on Facebook, so she had no idea that I’m the person from LA with no friends. I want to keep it that way until I see in person at her at a Kripalu retreat. Like I’ve said, I feel like I let her down and I don’t want her to know that I still don’t have any friends.

Work update: Unfortunately, the people who have been in training are being really honest about how hard the training is. I was really looking forward to it, but regular work is hard and stressful enough. I don’t need the training to be hard too. Pout. At least I know what to expect.

Since I can’t take my birthday week off in May, I have the last week of July off. I’m definitely not planning on going anywhere. Everything is expensive and crowded during that time of summer. So I’m staying home. I’m still going to try to get my birthday off. But if the training is really challenging, I’m not going to miss a whole day of information just because I don’t want to work. I should find how hard it is soon. Training starts next week.

Update: It looks like I can get my birthday off! My manager just told me I should be comfortable with the new system by then so taking a whole day off won’t hurt too much. Yay!

My “Escape From DC” isn’t until June, but I’m already stressed. It’s not just about the no cell service part. It’s my dog! When I was booking the trip, I decided to read the rules, and they have a rule about barking dogs. Um. My dog barks when he hears something. He is a watchdog (not really, but you know what I mean). As long as there isn’t noise, I’ll be fine. They give one warning for a barking dog, and then they ask the person to leave!!

He barks when he hears a vehicle pass by the house. God forbid people are talking outside. I am going to take my noise machine with me and turn it all the way up. That might solve any issue. There are about 20 tiny houses on 80 acres of property. How well are they spaced out? I have no idea.

I leave my noise machine on 24/7 at home, and he rarely barks. But I also don’t have close neighbors. I know it is pointless to worry about this. It’s also stressful because of the secret thing. I still don’t know what I’m telling my mom. We are supposed to go to the grocery store that weekend, so I really have to come up with something.

It would be nice if I felt like I could tell the truth, but I don’t think she would ever forgive me. 😦 I’m not lying. I’m just going to ask if we can go to the grocery store the next week and not give a reason why. Sigh. Between my dog and my mom, I don’t know if this was a good idea.

I feel like this entry is all over the place. Sorry. My mind is not functioning correctly. I’m posting this during lunch while I’m having a dance party. lol

Damned if I do, damned if I don’t

I just tapped on clearing resentment.

These past few days I’ve been struggling with what to do about finances and my parents. Two separate issues. The good thing is that according to my mom, my dad might be going back to living overseas. I know this sounds bad for me to be happy about. But try driving someone somewhere in a panicked state. Driving is serious. Accidents can happen! If I didn’t have to take him anywhere, his presence wouldn’t be so bad. But him living with my mom forever does scare me.

There is something scary about FOREVER. According to what my mom thought, my dad was going to live with her forever. That’s scary shit. I don’t like forevers. It seems so final. Anyway, now I can breathe (a little). Because I think he is going back. He probably just came back to America to get some of his stuff together. He usually comes back once a year, so maybe this is what he is doing now.

I guess I resent my mom because she knows I have a hard time driving him around. Why does she make a joke out of it? Yes, I could be 100% honest and say: I’m close to having panic attacks while I’m driving him around so I would rather not do it. That is honest, but I’m not doing it. I rarely talk to my dad. The last thing I’m going to do is NOT take him to the store. I feel like that’s the least I can do. But my mom doesn’t have to make light of it. It’s not funny.

Sigh. So that is why my parents are currently getting on my nerves.

And financial stuff. Ack! I thought I was okay. My rent is still too high, so I’m not saving much money. But I thought I had debt under control. Um, nope. One of my credits cards is out of control. I just got the bill over the weekend, and I freaked out. It was over $100 for the minimum payment! This is a new thing. I’ve NEVER had a minimum payment that high.

Today I paid double the minimum payment  (yes, over $200) and I’m paying more in mid-April. But this isn’t going to get better unless I start working at my part-time job. I might have to consolidate. That may be the only answer for this card. But I want to lower it on my own before I even consider consolidating. That probably doesn’t make financial sense. But whatever.

I’m willing to work 2 jobs. I’m just waiting for the PT job to start back up. It’s seasonal work.  I can’t afford to wait forever. I’ve been waiting since December. I’ve enjoyed the time off. Trust me. I don’t LOVE working 24/7. That is what I was doing October through December. I had no free time. I could not read books. I wasn’t enjoying life much. But I need the money. I’m willing to do it differently this time. I will still nap for an hour a day and then work all afternoon. However, I will take time for myself on the weekends. I need a couple of hours a day on Saturday and Sunday.

I should be thankful I’m not working now. How could I study for the certification exam if I was working all the time? I have no idea. How could I read all these spiritual books if I was working so much? Uh, but I need the money. I can work it out somehow.

Speaking of my certification exam, I made an 82 on my practice exam!!!  🙂 That is the highest score I’ve ever gotten. I only have one more practice exam left. I made a 72 on the first two exams I took. They said you shouldn’t take the real exam if you can’t make an 80 or above on a practice exam. I finally did it! Woohoo! I was shocked. I don’t feel good about the amount of guessing I did, but I’m going to guess on the real exam too. lol. This stuff is hard.

Gotta go.