I make my own rules

My grandmother passed away early this week. She had Alzheimer’s. She was 85 years old. I don’t have that many extended family members I’m close to. My uncle died about 3 years ago from colon cancer. He was the closest thing I had to a dad figure. (no offense to my dad). I was kind of close to my grandparents. We went to live with them after we moved from Maryland when I was 8 or 9 years old. Some fond memories, some not so good ones. But she was always very nice.

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Feel free to follow me on Snapchat! I think my username is Kat3x5. lol. Not sure. I will probably post another reminder if I continue to use it.

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Here I go again…

At this point, there is a chance I will not vote in the primary. I know that not voting is a vote.  If the polls in the state indicate one candidate has a 25 point lead (doubtful), I probably won’t bother voting. I just don’t support either candidate.

My main problems with Bernie include his lack of foreign policy knowledge, and I don’t think he can win a general election. All the Republicans have to do is keep saying he is a socialist. They don’t even have to say anything else! lol. OTOH, independents might vote for him and swing the election his way. Independents probably will not vote at all if they have to vote for Hillary or they will vote for the Republican. At least, Hillary has been vetted. Too bad she supported horrible policies. I have to point out that Bernie did vote for Clinton’s crime bill, so there’s that.

This sucks. Why can’t there be better candidates? Just give it to the Republicans. What’s the point? I’m so sick over my indecisiveness. I’m not used to this. I always find some candidate to support in the primary.

I will try not to blog about this unless I change my mind again. 😉 I have been thinking about going to a political rally. I’ve never done that before. I won’t take the day off from work to attend, but if it is in the afternoon, I will consider it. Trump recently came here. (Yes, I did consider going). He was a 2-minute drive from my mom’s house. I would love for Bernie or Hillary to go to the same venue. Maybe that is the push I need. ???

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This week I…

Music of the week:  Tori Kelly, Troye Sivan, Adele, The 1975, Alessia Cara, Sabrina Carpenter, Ariana Grande, Ellie Goulding

This year I want to listen to a new (to me) album every week of the year. So far, so good. This week I listened to 3 new (to me) albums. Unlike last week, I enjoyed all three. My song of the week is from one of those new albums. Here is Troye Sivan:

 

TV of the week: Mad Men, Dem debate, basketball

The Grammy’s air on Monday. I’m nervous for the Best New Artist award. At least Tori Kelly gets to perform. That is the most important thing (if the performance is good). I’m still hoping she can somehow pull through, but I don’t see it happening. Tough competition.

Movie of the week: none

Books of the week: GEEK OUT ALERT!  I picked up two books from the library. We have a new library. It is 5 minutes from my house. It is amazing. It looks like it belongs in another (bigger) city. I have never been so in love with a library. I love books, but I usually hate returning them, but I love going to this place. Yay, for the city!

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BOOKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now I’m reading:

Planner update: 

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plans of the week

Now I’m going to read these library books because I don’t know if I’ll be able to renew them. I’ve got to get a lot of reading done over these next two weeks.

not everything ending in war

My cousin (once removed) died Sunday night. She had a brain tumor. All she wanted to do was to make it to college. She didn’t say she wanted to graduate. She just wanted to make it there. That was her dream. She didn’t even make it to senior year of high school. 😦

I see all these deaths and illnesses. It’s making me all carpe diem. Seize the fucking day.  And don’t let people make you feel bad about your life choices. They don’t know what’s in your bank account or any “hidden” illnesses. OR ANYTHING. Screw that shit.

I booked the cabin in Asheville. Yes, that’s crazy. CRAZY. It’s not the smartest financial decision, but I’m going to take the chance in 2016. I have the week of my birthday off. I booked the cabin for that Tuesday through Friday morning. Three nights.

That means the treadmill is definitely out of the picture. I might get one in 2017 or never. Anyway, the cabin is only 500 sq feet. By looking at the pics (down below), I thought it would be bigger. It is smaller than the state park cabin I usually visit.

Here are the pics of where I will be staying five months from now:

cove1

View from the hot tub on the porch.  I’ve never been in a hot tub. I do plan on using this one. I had one in Vegas. I just used it to soak my feet.

cove2

The kitchen. I am bringing food from home. I am only eating out once. (At the Biltmore Mansion).

cove

Yes, it comes with a washer and dryer. Definitely using that since I don’t have one at home.

cove3

Small, cozy bedroom w/a queen size bed.

cove4

The patio.

I’ll have more of my pics to post once I go there. I can’t wait to go to the Biltmore Mansion!! I had no idea it was so expensive, though. 😦 I have to do research on what other things I want to do. Trip Advisor, here I come.

I still can’t believe I booked it. **shakes head** What is wrong with me? Rhetorical question.

There’s no cure for our condition

mailbox
mailbox

I’m in love with my new mailbox! It’s so cute. I don’t give a rat’s ass about curb appeal but it is very nice looking.  I’m just noticing that in the picture the bottom/the post cover looks plasticky (?). Well it is plastic so….I’ll get back on the vandal/weather resistant part later. I already think someone has messed with the back of it. I can see the wooden post. I couldn’t before. 😦

Ugh! On top of everything else, I might have to call a plumber. I so wish I could like in a nice apartment like a normal person. Hell when I lived in my home for 5 years, I rarely had these issues.  Despite everything, I LOVE this house. It is in the city (technically the suburbs) but in the middle of nowhere. Where can you find that in the city? I love it. They might be ruining it by building more homes soon. That is another entry.  I’m enjoying it while it lasts.

Weekly

Music for the week: Lea Michelle, Shakira, Sara Evans, Bethany Dillon, Aloe Blacc, Deanna Carter, D’angelo, Jonatha Brooke

TV for the week: March Madness, Desperate Housewives

Movie of the week:  The Hunger Games: Catching Fire

Haven’t seen Catching Fire yet. I plan on watching it this weekend. I  hated the book. The movie has to be better.

Edited to add: Boy, am I glad I didn’t go see this in a theater. What a letdown. It was okay but not as good as the first. It was exactly like the book. um, shocking?! ha.

Books of the week:   Overcoming Underearning: A Simple Guide to a Richer Life by Barbara Stanny, Fodor’s Italy 2013 (Full-color travel guide) by Fodor’s, Hidden by Catherine McKenzie

Weekend end plans: WORK. /the end. School work and work work. I should probably mow my lawn but I don’t wanna. Can it wait 3 weeks? I hope so.  Certain people* don’t understand, even though I explained it to them, that I’m back at my old job and I have to work 10-12 hour days plus a few hours on Saturday (for no extra pay) just to keep up. I’m glad I’m ahead with school work. Otherwise I’d be screwed. Tonight is basketball (Go UVA!) and school work. Gotta stay ahead.

*Certain people = one person I care not to name

spiral

I typed everything below the line PRIOR to everything up here. I typed what is below before I knew my cousin died last night. I typed it before I visited my uncle.

Before my mom told me about my cousin, I knew it was serious. I thought she was going to say my dog died. This is the son of my uncle who didn’t have health insurance and is now paying the price for it. I don’t want to say anymore here. Not my place. I just had to mention my cousin. We had classes together in junior high. In fact we had classes together all morning in 6th grade.  We were the same age. 😦

Just when I thought it couldn’t get worse. We went to my uncle’s house. He is under hospice care and in pain. I hope it isn’t always like this. 😦 😦 I didn’t say this in my last post about him but he is like a father to me (in a awkward non-talking way). No offense to my real dad.

I should probably do a month long internet sabbatical starting tomorrow…as if that will solve anything.

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The layoffs are happening. One person in my department with my job was laid off. I was very lucky to not be THE ONE. But I do feel that I am next. So I’m bracing myself. At first I planned to (finally) go to Oaxaco, Mexico as soon as I’m no longer working but I have responsibilities (to myself and others). Yeah that sucks. :/ So Mexico will not be happening unless I have a job in March of 2013…and I lose my mind, then I might go! I even filled out my passport form and was going to put a rush on it so I could go in October. (!!!) I only have 3 days off (plus the weekend so that makes 5 days) but if anyone can do Mexico in a short time frame, it would be me.

Back to reality. If I still have my job in March and nothing else major happens, I might consider going then. October is still hurricane season. How could I forget? There is no way I could visit then. Even without hurricanes, it is rain season. Anyhow, I still have my passport form ready to go. I just need the picture, the money and to go to the post office to apply. So…who knows what might happen? I sort of feel like now or never. But having a place to live is more important to me but as long as my house doesn’t sell, there’s nothing I can do about that. I can’t rent anything and still pay my mortgage. Stuck.

Back to the layoffs. Scary. There is one thing that separates me from the person who will be laid off. One thing. That could have easily been me if something hadn’t gotten switched around. By no means do I feel safe AT ALL. But I can’t dwell too much on it. It causes the worse anxiety. I’m also really concern about what I would do for health insurance.

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Since I decided not to go to Mexico next month, I decided to finish 2012 with Project Life.  Well, first I made a deal with myself that I had to pay off my credit card before buying anything and I did. I already have a vision/dream/scrap book for 2010-2012 but I’ve been obsessing over the Project Life products in unhealthy ways. When something gets on my mind like that, I know I have to do it or I will keep obsessing. I didn’t go all out and buy the most expensive stuff  because 2012 is almost over plus it isn’t necessary but I really wanted the core products for my first time. 😉 After the novelty has worn off I will go the non product line route for some things because it is cheaper.

I’m basically just combining what I already have to the Project Life concept. In 2013, I hope to make more of PL by doing more new things like cooking one dish a month or visiting a new place every month or just exploring my current city. I’m using PL as a way to have new experiences. Experiences = Life.  I don’t know how I feel with always having a camera around though.

What I ordered is coming on Monday. Way too excited! 😉 I’m finally doing a 12×12 book. woohoo!

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So far my jewelry class has not been cancelled. I am very nervous. Class is supposed to start this Thursday night.

I need to take an internet sabbatical. Maybe I will do it for a week starting Sept 23. However, I will use my Kindle Fire apps for email, and to read twitter (the way I get most news these days). But no browsing the web. The hardest thing for me will be not compulsively checking the library site to see which books are available. I wish there was an app for that. 🙂 They only update the site about once a month and if you don’t get the good books when they 1st appear on the site, you will have a long wait. I might make a check-that-site-once-a-day exception. And I hope John Mayer doesn’t do anything because it will be hard not to want to update my Mayer blog.

I need to get away from the internet. Sept 23 – Sept 30 seems perfect. I plan to get more reading done, spend more time outside, make jewelry, organize my project life binder through August 2012, get all my business calls and letters taken care of, think of and create a way to live in such a small space, journal daily and just enjoy disconnecting. I would fully plan my trip to Mexico (again – heh) but I need the internet for that. The guidebooks can only get me so far.

A week without Amazon.com? OH NOZ!!!!!!!!

Hard Knocks

My uncle is dying of cancer. I think my dog has a tumor. These thoughts are always in the back of my mind these days. It just sucks. There is not much more to say other than I’m profoundly sad…and this really sucks. It is like nothing else really matters.

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I know that blogging about politics would turn people off. But I can’t blog without sharing MY TRUTH. I know it will turn people off but whatever. It wasn’t even that radical. Fine. I would vote for Obama and Romney. I like them equally. 😉 That’s why I always laugh when people say “be yourself”. Uh, not me. I’m envious of people who can pull that off though.

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What I needed to hear while growing up:

I told her it would likely go on and she’d have to survive it. That she’d have to find a way within herself to not only escape the shit, but to transcend it, and if she wasn’t able to do that, then her whole life would be shit, forever and ever and ever. I told her that escaping the shit would be hard, but that if she wanted to not make her mother’s life her destiny, she had to be the one to make it happen. She had to do more than hold on. She had to reach. She had to want it more than she’d ever wanted anything.

-Cheryl Strayed

What is more truer than that?

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I feel so strongly about the injustice of the American justice system but I don’t know what I can do. Maybe the author offers solutions, I don’t know because I’m only 60% through the book. The only thing I know to do is to recommend people to read The New Jim Crow by Michelle Alexander.

  • If you have ever wondered why people plead guilty to crimes they did not commit.
  • If you have a ounce of curiosity of how the “others” live.
  • If you want to understand the underclass mentality.
  • If you didn’t know carrying any amount of marijuana is a felony in some states
  • If you want to know what it is like to live once you get out of prison (and why would anyone go back???)
  • If you want to know why so many black and brown men have prison records.
  • If you want to know the truth behind the “War on Drugs”.
  • If the words “white criminal” make you pause or if you find the words confounding. (be honest!).

Is the author preaching to the choir? We need regular curious people to read this book. I have always wanted to do something to help people once they get out of prison (it is in the archive somewhere). I hope she offers plausible solutions besides just call your politician. I would say that this is the last time I will mention this book, but I’m not sure. I’m passionate about this topic.

Injustice Anywhere Is a Threat to Justice Everywhere

If I have to

I’m only “living” right now because my mom is alive. But sometimes I think this is all too much to do just because of one person. Yeah, she would be devasted.  But I’m not really alive…mostly due to her. That is not the point, at all.

Just saying.

I wish I would die tonight. Death is the ultimate joy. Truth is I resent my mom for a few reasons and not being able to kill myself is one. But I could do it…I’m a coward. But on days like today I think I should really kill myself.

No point in talking about it since I won’t do it. Parents really can fuck you up. haha. My only laugh of the day.

She’s already killed me so why not just really end it? I have a conscious. fuck me. I wish I didn’t care.

Maybe I’ll get into a car accident. Or something…there’s hope, right??????????? Other people are dying when it should be me.

I’m sooooooooooooooooo not fishing for comments. I just had to vent somewhere other than on twitter. I feel guilty when  I tweet a lot. I don’t even know if I have any followers. I used to. I stopped checking about 6 months ago. Okay, wierd ramble.

depressed

  • could not get moving this morning
  • was late to my monthly counselor session
  • need more than monthly sessions
  • learned simple yoga pose in counseling
  • spent $120 to temporarily control wok environment – me being cynical could work for a few months. heh
  • finances messed up
  • was working on paying off discover card – that is delayed
  • can’t do anything
  • no appetite
  • counselor told me not to quit job. heh
  • wish i was going to nyc alone or not at all
  • how to fake being ‘happy’ while going to nyc -ugh
  • off tomorrow, better get ish done
  • paid for summer school, need used textbook
  • i’m dead spiritually, when is the physical going to happen? so impatient
  • welcome to my 30s.life suxs. 😦