Time to be your 21

I deleted my online profile. She asked me if I was seeing someone. I said no and then she wanted to start texting. OMG. I sorta freaked out. :/ I gave it more than 24 hours before I decided to give up. She might be looking for someone to date. So I figured the best thing to do was to delete my profile before we exchanged numbers. Once numbers are exchanged the pressure is on. I have enough pressure from work.

Dating to me implies sex. Is that a wrong assumption? I hate the whole idea of sex.  I’ve already blogged about this before so there is no point in rehashing.

For the above reason, I can never date. Well I could date an asexual person like me but ugh, I don’t even want to go there. It isn’t appealing to me….at all. Sex or no sex, I have too much going on to date or even think about it. But it is possible that one day I won’t feel like I’m struggling through life everyday.

So when my therapist asks me about dating, I want to scream YOU DON’T GET IT. Even if I wanted to date I couldn’t because that means sex! Unfortunately that is how it is. Why are you asking me about dating? You think I want to have sex??! Well I don’t. Do I have to spell it out for you? Apparently so…

No sex. No dating. The end.

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Weekly:

Music for the week:  Zee Avi, Jillette Johnson, Alexz Johnson, Sara Bareilles, Jay Z, Matt Nathanson, Justin Timberlake (in the car), Ciara

TV for the week: Dexter, Scandal (I gave this show a chance. It is too Law & Order-ish for me. And I’m not crazy about Kerry Washington in this. The only plus is that it takes place in D.C. but even that can’t save the show. Perhaps it gets better later but I will never know). Big Brother 15 (rooting for Helen or McCrae to win).

Movie of the week: None. I really want to see Fruitvale Station but it isn’t playing here. 😦

Books of the week: Buddha Standard Time: Awakening to the Infinite Possibilities of Now by Surya Das and Sharp Objects by Gillian Flynn

Goals for next week:  Work: to be more productive than last week. Frustrating. Sigh. But I did improve slightly this week so there’s hope. Go to the gym 3 times next week.

I am definitely going to the gym tomorrow or Sunday. I will probably go to the one at work. I hope it is empty so I can do weights and cardio.

acquiescence leads to rage

Work sucked today.

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Her: Are you interested in dating?

Me: Uh, no. Not really. Ummm, Maybe if I didn’t have to live with the person EVER. *laughs* Um, maybe with a loner. Ugh, I don’t think so….

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What the &^%#? I’m 95% sure I’m not interested in dating. But she caught me off guard. However, I am a romantic. I believe in soul mates and all that…just not for me. That isn’t a life I want. Most of the time I think dating/being in a relationship sounds like hell. Complete hell. I can’t believe people can go through it. I have enough to deal with. How about being in the presence of other people? DATING? Uh, yeah that is totally what I’m thinking about. LOL.

I have other issues if you know what I mean.

It did occur to me to mention asexuality but I thought that might be too much for her to take in. 😉 If people can’t get atheism (see below), then asexuality will go right over their heads.

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I had my monthly therapy session today. I thought it was another ‘go nowhere’ session. But maybe not. Sometimes I do wonder if she gets it. I mean, I know she knows I have social anxiety. It is the other issues that go with it that I wonder if she understands.

So she wants me to get out there. What a cruel thing to ask of someone. I know. Doesn’t she get that I’d rather go to the dentist than be around people? I really don’t think she gets it…at all. She thinks I want to be around humans. ROFL.

Anyhow, she mentions joining a group. Okay fine. But then she mentions a church! A freaking church. Me and god don’t really go together. How many times do I have to tell people that? Do I have to scream it? I apologize for the outburst. I have nothing against going to a church for class. And even if I didn’t have to join, how awkward would it be to be around members?

person: I haven’t seen you here. Are you new?

Me: Yes……..

It would be great if it ended there. But how do you say “I don’t come here on Sundays because I’m an atheist“. HOW AWKWARD IS THAT? So I either have to fake it or alienate myself. I’m sick of faking it. Why do you think I’m so bitter? Okay, that is only 30% of the reason.

Sigh. I am looking into churches because they seem to have more options. It will be awkward calling to find out about membership and classes. Some churches offer yoga classes but if I’m not a member am I welcomed? What does being a member entail? I know one church requires a day long orientation with a lot of interaction. And that is why I didn’t join that place.

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I mentioned in a previous post about how I’m interested in activism. So what happens? I see this opportunity at work! It is a Hispanic diversity group. I’m not Hispanic but what the group does interests me so I joined. I just hope the first meeting isn’t like a meet and greet. That sounds like hell (again). One of the groups in another state is having leaders speak. That is something I can attend. But just meeting people??

I’m so lost with this human social stuff. That is an understatement.

But I’m glad I joined. Let’s see where it ends up.

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Back to my therapy session. She asked me how I would vision my life without social anxiety. I couldn’t answer. Eventually I just rambled. I’ve had SA years before I knew it existed. So all of my dreams have been crushed by knowing that I have SA. I don’t think about life without it. I guess it hurts too much. But I am well aware of what I am lacking/missing. Very aware.

I’m going to search for some interesting social groups. Interesting and social don’t go together very well. This is hard. But I have an excuse to surf the net until I find some meetings/classes/groups.

Gotta go.

must love dogs

Tomorrow I have to ignore her. Don’t think negative thoughts about her or anyone. How can I expect to succeed when I’m thinking “Wow she is really getting off on this. How immature.” I used to smile when they did things (not AT them) but that makes them do it more. Today I was flabbergasted. How can someone over 50 (or 20, or 30, or 40) act like this???! But being self righteous is not the answer.

I need better answers. I always try to make sense of other people’s behavior but that is destructive. I am slowly learning the hard way. I hate to say it’s my nature BUT I try to figure out human behavior. It logically make sense to me but ugh!
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I’m not into dating nevertheless I have decided to make up a BS date list. It’s only bs b/c I’m not looking. The list is real. 😉

Prerequisite for anyone who wants to date me:

-must be able to cook and enjoy it
-must not be a neat freak but doesn’t mind cleaning the house weekly(or hiring a monthly maid service)
-must never bitch @ me on Saturday or Sunday while I spend hours watching football
-must work (I don’t make enough on my own- I’d worked too, of course)
-must be into DIY projects
-must love animals
-don’t want kids
-must be a loner
-not that into sex
-may be willing to live separately even if married (but that doesn’t get the person out of cooking and helping me clean my place…I can mow my own lawn) 🙂
-must love music and going to concerts
-must love to travel but allow me to travel solo w/o giving me a guilt trip
-must not freak out if we don’t communicate for 24 hours

What do I have to offer someone? ROFL