This brokenness inside me might start healing

I’ve been crying. Weeping. It all started when I learned of Stuart Scott’s passing. I was taking an online test when the news broke so I didn’t know until I got on Twitter. I can’t stop crying. And I don’t know why. Yeah, I used to fall asleep to him, Letterman or cable news every night. It depended on what was going on. But I never considered myself a huge fan. He is SportsCenter to me. Ever since I’ve been watching, he’s been there. I don’t know anything else.

I was devastated to learn he had a rare form of cancer. I’d be happy to see him on ESPN. That meant he was doing somewhat okay, right? I’m so sad he passed. I guess I’m heartbroken over the unfairness of it all. He was the best dad, a great friend and mentor. He fought so hard against this cancer. He didn’t give up. He’s an inspiration to me. RIP.

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I’m awaiting my 2015 planner. I tried Evernote and other apps but I don’t like using them so I’m going back to my old ways. Paper and pen. I don’t use my planners as a to do list that often. I use it more as a what I did that day. I can’t wait to get it…I usually just pick up something from the drugstore or WalMart. I’m not that picky when it comes to planners but this year I decided to try something different. I decided to go with Danielle LaPorte’s Desire Map Planner. The 2015 version is sold out but they are selling planners where you can fill in the date (link above).

Some people really get into their planners. Just check out Youtube. I’m glad I’m not the only one. I kind of wish I had gotten a Plum Planner. You can customize them. But usually I can make any planner work. Maybe next year I will get a Plum planner. I think I have to. I keep looking at their website.

Instead of doing Project Life, I will probably just use my planner, paper journal and my computer to document things. I do have enough material to do another Project Life album so I may change my mind. But I don’t think I want to devote time to PL.

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I have 3 days off in May (right before my bday). I’m planning on doing the same thing I did in 2013. I went to the state park and spent 2 days there in a cabin. No TV or internet. Just peace and quiet. Well, I will have some of my music and I’m planning on taking a few DVDs. lol. So days off from work…check! Next is reserving the cabin. I would love to go for 3 nights but that’s $300. So I’m thinking about 2 nights for $200. I’m so scared someone is going to book it before I do. If I had the money, I would book it NOW. I like a particular cabin. I have to have that cabin. It is far away from everyone and everything.

The only thing I don’t like is that I have to bring all my food from home. Last time I drove 20 minutes to a restaurant and that wasn’t a good experience. If I wanted to drive an hour, I could have a lot of options for food but I’d rather stay in.

Dogs are allowed but…ARGH! I would love to take B there one day but I can’t see him being good in the car…or the cabin. It is almost 2 hours away. So I’m  leaning towards boarding him. I just don’t know how he would react to a new place. What if all his house training goes out the window? Can’t have that.

Speaking of my dog, I have to leave him for about 3 hours tomorrow. I’m so worried about what I will come back to.

We keep holding on but we both know

So sad. 😦 My animals have always been my best friends. Always. I have never had to put one to sleep. I did have to give my cat away but I know she went to a good home. This is different. I’ve had my dog since she was 7 months old. She is 17 now. I don’t want to let her go. ::crying:: 😦

She means more to me than anyone. She doesn’t even live with me. She lives with my mom. That doesn’t make any difference. I will miss her so much. I can’t believe this is happening. I don’t know when it is going to happen. She isn’t in pain so nothing has to be done NOW. But eventually she won’t be able to walk. That (or pain) will be when it is time. I think it will be soon -within a month or two- but I don’t know.

The vet did suggest surgery. Who puts a 17 year old dog through surgery??? I must admit, if money were no object, I would consider surgery. But that won’t be happening. I have to take her back to her regular vet this week because her kidney and liver blood work came back elevated.

😦 😦 All I can do is cry for now…

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Weekly

Music for the week: Lea Michelle, Miranda Lambert, Sara Evans, Lorde, Melanie Fiona, Amy Ray, Suzanne Vega, Deana Carter

TV for the week: basketball (MARCH MADNESS!!), Desperate Housewives

I have Thursday off for March Madness. I’m trying to get Friday off too. 😉 I usually have both days off every year.

Movie of the week:  Before Midnight

Books of the week:  Teach Online: Design Your First Online Course by Jeanette Cates, Men We Reaped: A Memoir by Jesmyn Ward

Quote of the week:

Dogs don’t know about beginnings, and they don’t speculate on matters that occurred before their time. Dogs also don’t know — or at least don’t accept — the concept of death. With no concept of beginnings or endings dogs probably don’t know that for people having a dog as a life companion provides a streak of light between two eternities of darkness.

– Stanley Coren

Do it honestly

Have you ever cried so much that you think you might have a cold? My mom had a cold, so it is possible. I haven’t had a cold in 3 plus years. Why? How? I lived alone. The end. It does wonders. It is awesome. I cried so much my face hurts. I’m going to take two coldeeze just in case. That is the only thing that works for me. I probably would have had a cold during the past few years without it.

Now I know how it feels to tell someone in power something, and they don’t believe you. It sucks. Not that I expected her to believe ME over them. But she didn’t have to say it. That was low. She straight up lied to the manager. She’s good. She was very good. I can’t lie convincingly. I can’t lie at all. I don’t even try.

Of course, she would lie. I knew she would. By the way, I broke my code. I am not a “tattle tell”. Well uh, as of today – DAMN. I sort of, kind of told on them. I didn’t want to. But she wasn’t hearing any of this “not naming names” shit. That is what I usually do because I. don’t. tell. But today I did. And I was not believed.

She lied. She was so sincere. God, my eyes hurt. And they are soooooo red. ^%$#.

In other news, I weigh 117! I lost weight. See? Being thin is NOTHING. Look around. Being thin won’t make you happy.

Oh back to my sob story. Literally. I was crying because:  my manager didn’t believe me. AND Jex straight up lied to me and my manager. Anx wasn’t as willing to lie. She didn’t admit to anything, but she didn’t exactly LIE. AND I ate sausage which is so not on my diet. AND I broke my code. AND now the whole office will know…and talk about it.

YAY! 😦

I’m sure Jex thought I was crying for other reasons. They come up with the strangest WRONG reasons. Who knows what they think. Anx was gone for most of the day. I hope she was as angry as I was angry and sad. Then I’m fucked. lol. I will find out tomorrow.

Thanks for ‘liking’ my posts, by the way. I should have said this a while ago. I do notice and appreciate it.

I think I’m doing the Happiness Project in 2012. I am willing to fail at it. It will take me from now until January to come up with a 12-month plan. I just started reading the book.  I will blog about each month, of course.

I’m going to try not to cry anymore.

I’m a thin bitch

You would cry too if you had SA too. Ungrateful bastards. Laugh all you want. “I wouldn’t let that upset me”. Um, do you have SA? No? So STFU. Next. (I’m coming back to this topic, don’t worry).

My BMI is 16 which is severely underweight. But hello people? I’m 30….not 30.5 like that paper said. I turn 30.5 in January. Geez. Anyhow, I’m getting older. My metabolism is slowing down like it normally does when you get older. Also, my weight fluctuates. I’m not drinking Ensure because I know how to gain weight. I just don’t want to. She said I was the only person she told to GAIN weight. It’s not like I weigh 90lbs. I don’t have an eating disorder. I’m naturally thin. However…

Maybe I’m caught up in American culture. Thin is ALL I have. From my teenage years throughout my twenties, I’ve had a decent body but NO ONE ever saw it. Not even me. I didn’t give a crap what I wore. Growing up we didn’t have much money for clothes and all I had were big baggy clothes. In college, I didn’t have enough money for the 3 meals a day meal plan so needless to say I didn’t eat or buy clothes. Then I become a thrift shop expert.

I have worn clothes too big for years. I still wear some of those clothes. To make a long story short, I’ve just started wearing clothes that fit me. I wear skinny jeans. I wear short skirts/dresses. I still look like I’m in my twenties so why not? I’m definitely not doing it for anyone else. (women or men). I’m not saying I look good. My point is: I’ve finally stopped hiding my body at the age of 30! I’m a late bloomer. Let me be.

And yes it is extremely superficial to say “thin is all I have” but have you read my blog? Can you get why I feel this way? I’m horrible in every other way…according to American culture. I have an ugly face if that makes this sound better.

In June my blood pressure was great. 120 over something. Now it is 130!!! That is pre-hypertension. Dude, that isn’t cool. My job is killing me. At first it was 140 over something. I kid you not. Then the nurse told me to relax for 1 minute and it went down to 130. I can’t tell you how much this call center thing has stressed me out. Plus I’m always anxious which may lead to high blood pressure eventually anyway. I think these past two weeks have set off my ulcers. Okay, I don’t know if I really have ulcers because I would have to go to a doctor for that. But my stomach has felt funky for the past few weeks. It wasn’t an upset stomach.

This is the weird part: When they were taking my blood for the glucose part (or whatev), the other nurses were so concerned.

“Are you okay?”

“Do you want any water?”

“Are you sure?”

“What kind of job do you do” (LOL)

I said “fine” “NO” “yes” (insert job title).

I don’t know what they saw. Crying all day for two days straight may make me look a little stressed. IMO, I was just feeling regular anxiety. I was around strangers! Um, yes that is enough to set me off. I really don’t know what was up with that. I was caught totally off guard with that line of questioning. I wanted to laugh or at least chuckle but I was too nervous. It was weird that ALL of them thought I was going to faint or drop dead.

(Btw, this was all free and I did it just to do it).

I’ll talk about the call center in my next entry. As of now, I’m not on the phone next week so I’m thrilled!!!!!! I will be on the phones the week after, and the week after that etc

I also have to apologize to Ax. I was quick to judge her. I only posted my thoughts here and deleted it the next day. I didn’t tell anyone so I’m going to apologize here but that is a long story and I have to go.

I’m so tired. I think I’m going to dream about what I want to do for New Year’s. I may even surf for hotel deals. I always stay at a hotel for New Year’s because where I live the illegal fireworks are out of control. It is day and night. I don’t want to be more miserable. I have to sleep. I doubt I go out of state. I never have in the past. I’m working crazy OT over the thanksgiving holiday. But 80% of that is going straight to tuition. Maybe if I work OT during December I might buy a working TV. Woohoo!

RHoNYC – too real

When reality tv becomes too real. Of course I’m sitting here crying. But I was also crying on the way home from work so what else is new? I can’t do a long blog because I’m going to work really early tomorrow to deal with change. The dreaded C word. (not termination – my manager is off tomorrow so no worries <–sarcasm)

I love analyzing groups of people. (Hint: People don’t like that). And I kinda do that through shows that seem the most real. (Not shows like “The Hills” while enjoyable at times, it wasn’t much reality there). RHoNYC is sorta like the Real World. They throw people together and make them hang out. I feel like some of the spinoffs are realer than others. But that’s not the point.

I don’t know if I can watch this episode again. Bethenny and her father. I have so many ‘relationships’ like that. But did B say that her father wouldn’t even see her??? Oh my god. I think most of these people would see me. I don’t know how she dealt with that. Going all the way to LA and then turning back to deal with Jill. I would have had a nervous breakdown. Seriously.

I so glad B is happy now. She has what she has always wanted…a career, family & peace of mind. I don’t feel bad for her. I empathize with her on so many levels. I also know what it is like to lose a best friend. (Don’t we all?) I equate it to a breakup.  I  admire B for being so strong. Jill and Ramona were so mean to her at the worst time.

Ugh, this show hurts because watching this show isn’t going to make me change any ‘relationships’. People are going to die without me saying goodbye.  😦

PS

Bethenny is a good person for not throwing Ramona over the Brooklyn Bridge.

bidi bidi bom bom

Watching old Selena videos on OnDemand. I don’t have Comcast at home so this is a nice little treat. Selena was my role model growing up. I was OBSESSED. “Selena” was the second movie I ever saw in the theater. Amor Prohibido is my favorite video of hers. Turning back to basketball soon of course. It’s so weird because I was just listening to Bidi Bidi Bom Bom on my MP3 player.

Um, anyway. To the people at work: TOUCHE.

I’m a feeler. I am an INFP by the way. The one “personality” people hate. And it is because we always go on how we feel. And feelers are ??? bad people? Hmmm, Barack Obama and several others are feelers but I digress…We need all types to make the world go around. Can you imagine a world of feelers or thinkers. UGH!

How do I decide what to wear on any given day? First I consider what doesn’t need ironing. Then I consider what I FEEL like wearing. I do that with everything. What do I FEEL like watching? etc.

As a strong feeler (always scoring around 90%), I couldn’t imagine telling people how they are supposed to FEEL. After all it is their feelings. I cried for 3 hours in my car. When I cried at my desk (ld desk) only one person could see and that is only if she got up and looked directly in my face. Yes I cried last week at my desk (silently, of course). I was embarrassed. Even I admit it was stupid.

Something minor happened and I just felt, “there is no place in any workplace for me”. Okay, how would you feel if you had feelings? I kid. LOL. I felt extremely alienated. I usually can hold off those feelings but this was, O MY GOD. NOT AGAIN. I was mourning having to turn in a two-week notice because really the stress there is beyond what I can deal with. I can’t even breathe probably. I am going to work that. Thanks to Tolle convincing me. Well he sorta said that is the only way…which I already know but I. just. can’t. breathe. properly. at. work.

To summarize, I felt like it was the end. Those were my feelings. I admit that was an overreaction (But not the emotional breakdown – no way). What’s wrong with crying silently at my desk? Luckily I can cry that way. If I couldn’t I would follow the “don’t cry at work” rule and hide in the bathroom. 🙂

I’m a feeler. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wish I didn’t. But telling a feeler, not to feel is well like telling a thinker to stop thinking rationally.

P.S.

I do think rationally when alone. And for the record, I think strong thinkers xxTx are weird and should get in touch with their feelings if they can find them.

see how silly this is…?

record breaker

Ugh, my stomach hurts. And my eyes hurt so much from crying. I was crying for 3 hours straight which is a record for me. I’ve never come close to that. I don’t think I’ve ever cried for an hour! 30? Maybe but I don’t remember. I rarely really cry. I’ll cry for 15 minutes and then my eyes will well up whenever I think about whatever made me cry.

I might not quit. Tomorrow I’m going to work six hours (3 for the mental breakdown + I’d agreed to work 3 hours of OT). I wished I hadn’t agreed to work the OT. I’m scared shitless. I’m going to be there while they are there. It almost makes me want not to go but I’m still employed, and I have to make up time.

What have I learned today?

  • I can quit my job. (smart? no)
  • The thought of quitting my job makes me sad even though I hate the environment.
  • I like the work I do. (but not enough to not quit over office politics)
  • People don’t care why you aren’t social; you just have to be. (anger)
  • The things that bother me don’t bother others. (already knew that. reconfirmed today).
  • I will never understand people and they will never get me. (reconfirmed)
  • I am socially inept when it comes to talking & writing. (understatement)
  • NEVER expect someone to have empathy. (ppl only have it w/their close friends).
  • I can cry for 3 hours.
  • I hate feeling abandoned. (reconfirmed).
  • I should not talk to people. (emphasis on more than one person)
  • I need to transfer my discover balance ASAP (in case me have no job).
  • If I had a baby, I would love it as a pet until it turned 13. Then it would suck. (random)

I could go on, but I really need to stop trying to please people. It won’t happen. 75% of me has accepted that but then today happens and it’s like: WILL I EVER LEARN?

I’m emotionally and physically sick.

I quit!

To all my coworkers: yes you finally won! Congratulations. Must be nice to be a winner and to have a normal life.

I’m not going to fake it. I’m bitter. Practically everyone but me can work at McDonald’s. Not that want to but they CAN. (Yes, I had tried years ago. Not much has changed. In fact, things have gradually gotten worse).

I’m fed up with people because they don’t get it. I’ve already stated my piece on why people annoy the hell out of me. (They have no desire to get it and assume everyone is like them). So that’s that. They have more resources, and I don’t. Let’s move on.

I don’t have much to say…except I really, really wish my manager was there today. OF ALL DAYS. ugh. She is not helpful. (sorry). She is typical not getting it/don’t want to hear it, person. Thanks!

The good thing is if I quit on Monday, I get health insurance until the end of the month. If I had quit today like, I would have NO health insurance. Having health insurance for that 30 days probably won’t help much because I’m not planning on going to a doctor. Well actually I plan to load up on meds and not take them…saving them in case I ever want to attempt to be normal again.

So yeah, 30 days will help with that. At this point, I don’t see me working shortly. If I didn’t have a house, I would move to some place warm and be homeless. But the mortgage….who cares, right? Would I go to jail? Despite what some may think, I do want to do the right thing.

So moving to another state is not an option RIGHT NOW. If I lose my house, then I’m ready to go! I know this sounds crazy, but I think I will miss my cat so much. She won’t let me pick her up…or anyone pick her up so she would be left. I would probably have to have animal control set a trap.

O God, I’m crying again. Over my cat! Okay. Breathe. Don’t think about the cat. You’ve cried enough over a situation you’ve hated.

Okay so now I’m off to figure out how to quit. Never done it before. Normally, I would give a two-week notice but not in these circumstances.

Have a great weekend. lol.

All is well?

The  power went out @ 2am. There was a car accident two blocks away.  It was and still is freezing in my house. I think the power came back on around 10am (the power company left me a voicemail). I assumed that my heater would come back on when the power did. I thought I would be coming back to a somewhat warm house. NO. I was so worried about my kitty. She felt as cold as the house this morning.  My mom is not impressed with this little story. She went without heat for 5-6 days a couple of weeks ago. Who can blame me for being concerned about my cat? Even though she bit me Sunday night….grrr!

It is sleeting right now. I hope people won’t be driving tonight. I’ve lived in Virginia for quite a while. And we have never had this much snow. And it isn’t over. A woman from Jersey said “In New Jersey, these would have been clean and in much better shape.” See, that is the difference between snow up north and here. They expect it and prepare. We don’t. Sue me, I hate driving on ice. What a concept!

I have to do an hour or maybe 30 minutes (ha) of cleaning. Due to the weather, I haven’t had a chance to go to any stores. It is probably better this way. The last thing I need to do is buy random storage.

At work I got a good review. I’m self motivated (yep!) and dedicated (yep!) but I wanted a ‘works well unsupervised’. Did not get that. I’m used to getting that one because I do! Honestly, I wasn’t expecting her to say anything as good as she said.  Those compliments have no effort on the actual review. But even then, I did better than last year. The only reason why I got a higher than average review, is due to lack of my mistakes being caught. Where I work mistakes happen so I know I made some but I was lucky not to get caught.

I just have to keep it up. Oh, the ‘bad’ stuff. “Build relationships with coworkers”. ROFL. #1 Do I have a relationsip with anyone? #2  Um, these people have called me crazy since day one. I sat crying at my desk on the first day. It was brutal. It was K’s last day so she was happy go lucky. She held nothing back. They had obviously been talking about me prior to my first day. (I transferred from another department). I get that but to talk about me like that when I was sitting right there. LOL. That is not a good memory.

“I would talk to them but they have been calling me crazy since day one so….” I really wanted to say that. Btw, that is harassment and in some cases discrimination. I’ll just settle for harassment. It lasted for a year. Within the past 3 months, they have gotten word somehow that calling some crazy can lose your job….Otherwise why would they stop on their own. I was about to contact HR last week but without them using the “C” word out loud, what do I have? So unless something else happens the reporting it thing is done. I should have done it when it was happening daily. According to a lawyer, they probably would have gotten fired…

WHICH WAS NOT MY GOAL. I JUST WANTED THE HARRASSMENT TO STOP! So now they do subtle things. Things that can’t be reported. I missed my chance. What does this mean? Was this meant to be? I had a chance to stand up for myself but I didn’t. I’m not a tattle-tale. I hate tattle-tales. If it weren’t for the subtle shit they do, I would say “All is well that ends well” but things are not well….

I have to do unclutter my life. What fun!

er fund

My eyes are going to be red/swollen tomorrow. This time it’s about the MJ memorial. I haven’t watch the whole thing and I don’t want to. Having his friends and family there, made it real. The past is the past. I was one of his ardent supporters and I guess I just felt let down when I realize some of the things were true. I’m not going into here. Read my latest (and hopefully last post) about MJ.
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I have $281.00 in my emergency savings! $21 of it is interest. I know that is like nothing. My ER fund is supposed to be what I live off if I don’t have income. That won’t cover much but six months ago, I didn’t have an ER fund at all. Part of me wants my certification so bad that I hope I won’t be tempted to go into my ER fund for tuition. That’s why I don’t like checking the balance but I added $10 *gasp* today and they tell you the balance.

I wish I could go to San Francisco, Texas (San Antonio, Houston or Corpus Christi) or Italy. The people in Italy get how important balconies are. What is wrong with the US…or at least where I live? But I have school and house stuff to worry about it. I will travel but when?

I’m trying to get money issues straight. Confused.
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I never got to blog about the issues at work. There are so many but the strangest thing is the

DOES SHE BELIEVE IN CHRIST?

I swear to the universe! Um, no I don’t take Jesus Christ as my savior. I wasn’t even baptized (<–omen) but my sister was. The other girl said, "THEY believe but not like we do." OMG. WTF?

I don't know what they think I am and why do they care? Buddhist do not take Christ as their savior. All a person has to do is google "Buddhism". How hard is that? I want to learn more about lobbyists. I'm not going to read a book about it (I'm reading something far more interesting), I'm going to google and read a lot of different articles on lobbyists.

Anyway, they were definitely freaked out by the idea of me not believing in their god. WHY? I don't know. I mean where I live you are an assumed Christian. But to freak out? I thought where I live was a little bit more progressive than that. We have all these people from Philly and NY here. Influence these people a little. 🙂

I switched my quotes to two different quotes by famous Buddhist (one by Ajahn Chah). I turn the quotes around when I’m not there. And the print is really small. There is no mention of Buddha or religion. It is just ra ra quotes. You know "Let go"…I have these quotes because I need to get through the day! Don’t take away one of my harmless vices. People have inspirational quotes all over their cubes.

Geez, I guess I really freak people out. Sorry.