I want to live like tomorrow doesn’t exist

I’m putting my dog to sleep on Monday. It isn’t official. I have to make the appointment tomorrow. I’m  waiting because I’m scared when I call they’ll say, “You want to come in today?” Uh, no. My dog isn’t in any obvious pain. This would make the decision so much easier. But she isn’t eating on her own. Drinking water, yes.

So that’s that. I’d like to think that I’ll be so much more okay after it is done. Right now all I can think about is what will happen.

This is nuts but I’m having my first (and only?) sleep over/slumber party with my dog this weekend! She lives with my mom and I never moved her in with me because I always thought she barked too much and that she would bother the neighbors. I know most people don’t think that way. But I can’t help it. That’s the way I am when it comes to bugging others. She is part beagle and corgi so she’s a barker.

Back to the sleepover. I have to get my place ready for one last bonding moment. 😦  She’s coming tomorrow and she’ll stay until whenever the vet appointment is. 😦 I’m off all next week. I will not wallow ALL of next week. I promise. I already have a yarn therapy shopping trip planned on the day it happens. I have other things planned for the week too. But my #1 goal is to STUDY because….COUNTDOWN:

1 month until my board exam

3 months 25 days until Las Vegas

1.5 days until my one week work vacation

Obviously I’m studying for the boards, not Vegas. One month from today I will be taking the boards. Scary. I’m not near ready. This is definitely practice. The next time can’t be practice because that would be wasting money. (I get two tries with one payment).

Oh, they cancelled the work picnic! Woohoo!!! It was supposed to take place this Saturday.  That’s the best news I’ve had all week. Besides my dog would have be on my mind the whole time. I’m not leaving her alone too much this weekend. I have to mow the lawn and go to the library but that’s it. I wonder how my guinea pigs will react to a dog being here. Weird. She won’t bother them and vice versa. (If she were her younger self, woah different story).

 One last thing: I finished knitting my child sized hat! It is um, interesting. It is my first hat. I don’t care how it looks. If I had a kid, I would force him or her to wear it…not in public. I’m posting pics this weekend.

Gotta go. I want to take a nap but it is thundering so that probably won’t happen. I guess I should clean up.

I love the way you lie

I rarely cry and when I do it is at a work place. So it isn’t a soothing cry because I can’t make any noise at all. Then I usually have to go back to the work environment. Eh. I feel very blah right now. I typed the part in italics 2 hours of “The Cry” (while at work).

Have to get this out.

total freakout today. we were taking FAKE calls. I freaked out.

Cried.

I couldn’t sleep last night. came into work early.

Someone people were laughing at me. I don’t think they were my coworkers. My coworkers were probably laughing to themselves.

Do you think I’m just nervous now?

Do you think everything is going to be okay now?

I’m tempted to come in early just so the noisy coworker won’t get the 411. control freak much? she will find out anyway. everyone will know. And that’s cool.

This is TMI for an anonymous blog. Anon this! lol. Anyway, the trainer has diarrhea of the mouth. I’m pretty sure she already told the coworkers – the ones she is close to. and she probably feel like she has to tell my manager. I don’t care about her telling management. They don’t care about how we feel about being on the phones when 10-20% of us have NEVER been on the phone. In fact two others in the class never call businesses…just like me! However, they didn’t cry today.

Don’t tell me it is going to get better with time. No one has been able to teach me to talk so uh???

I do hope I will be able to sleep because the last thing I need is less sleep. If I ever have to be on the phone a whole week, I will probably buy NyQuil. But it isn’t that easy. (I have never tried that even for a cold- I just know that OTC sleep aids do not work for me probably because my insomnia is due to anxiety). I don’t know. Sigh. If I can’t sleep 3-4 days in a row, I’m going to have to call in. I have never done that. Of course they will think “she doesn’t want to be on the phones”. True, but the problem is the ANXIETY and lack of sleep.

I shouldn’t worry about this now. The everyday thing probably won’t happen until January. Ugh, and then I will be in school. I’ll be taking a full load. Fuck. I just hope I can get 5-6 hours of sleep. I sure didn’t get it last night.

But everything is going to be fine. EVERYONE is nervous. FUCK THAT! That is so insulting to people who have social anxiety but these people don’t know any better so ideally I shouldn’t get mad. There’s nervous and then there is social anxiety. They don’t compare.

One more thing. The TPx has gotten into trouble SEVERAL times for her mouth….AT WORK. Why doesn’t she have a mental illness? I think she does. But just because being outspoken and extroverted is considered as positive traits, no one labels them. But hello??? I’m sure she has gotten into more crap than I even know about because she can NOT talk about people (in negative ways) to others. How can that not be an issue of some sort. She has gotten into trouble. And if she wasn’t good at her job, she might have been fired.*

*I in no way want this person fired, btw. I’m just annoyed that she can run her mouth and not have a label. But people like me (who rarely bug people) get labeled. WE are the ones who have a hard time finding a job etc.

I wish I had a trust fund

Or a way out

Or anything.

Reality sucks.