still not too old to die young

I’m not going to see anyone on Thanksgiving. Some people find that pathetic. Some people are like “hell yeah!” 🙂 Those are my peeps. lol. I feel weird on holidays but I don’t  like celebrating them so……I will probably have a movie marathon on Thursday after work. Normally I would watch football but that is no longer a joy. I can’t remember the last time I ate at a thanksgiving dinner. I’m just glad I don’t HAVE TO sit somewhere and be bored out of my mind. Bored? Forget that. Uncomfortable is more what I would feel.

Something very cool is happening on T-giving: a tour of a local wildlife sanctuary!! Um, #1 It will be cold (nuff said?) and #2 I probably can’t do all that walking (Vegas, anyone?). I know I have leg problems. If I sign up for the tour KNOWING that, that would be foolish and a tad selfish but I still think about going. “Maybe it won’t be so bad”. blah, blah, That is what I always tell myself and then I start limping. Eventually the pain is too much and I can barely walk. So….ugh.They seem to only do tours on Thanksgiving and Xmas. I doubt I could keep up but it sounds like an awesome thing to do. Woe is me.

I just got back from spin class. I sat up front this time. I just feel too out of shape for spin. But I did do better this time than last time. I don’t know whether I’m going back. I think I should eat something before I go because I felt weak during class but that means I would have to get up earlier. I get up at 5:20 AM Monday through Saturday. Can I at least not have to get up early on Sundays? Anyhow, at least I went. Trust me, I did not want to go this morning. It is 60 minutes of hardcore exercise. It feels good afterwards but during, I just want to get out of there. It is the longest hour…ever!


Music for the week: Jessie J,  Jennifer Nettles, Tristan Prettyman, Patti LuPone, Ellie Goulding, Nina Simone, Mandy Patinkin, Ariana Grande

I didn’t listen to music much this week but those are my top 8. I listened to the Original Broadway recording of Evita a lot.

TV for the week: Big Brother Australia, Grey’s Anatomy, Homeland, basketball

Movie of the week:  Lost for Life. The documentary questions whether kids (under 18) should ever get life in prison without parole. Ideally I would like to say no but there are sociopaths out there….serial rapists and killers.

Books of the week:  Finished reading Leaving Time by Jodi Picoult. I started What are You Hungry For?: The Chopra Solution to Permanent Weight Loss, Well-Being and Lightness of Soul by Deepak Chopra.  I also just started You Can Buy Happiness (and it’s cheap) : How One Woman Radically Changed Her Life and How You Can Too by Tammy Strobel

Knitting projects of the week:  I worked on my shawl, scarf and afghan this week. Here are pics of some of those items:


Crochet projects of the week: Stop the press! ******BREAKING NEWS******** When I showed M my new crochet needles, she said “I don’t know when you have time to do all that”. WORD. I don’t have time. I’m going to steal some of my knitting time and crochet a little. I learned to crochet when I was 9. My best friend taught me. Crocheting is hard for me to not do because I’ve been doing it all my life.  It calms me. However, I can only – barely – make a square. So I kind of enrolled in the best Craftsy course ever: Crochet Basics and Beyond (affl. link). Love the teacher. She understands how to teach beginners.

new crochet hooks
new crochet hooks

Geez, I think crocheting is more complicated than knitting. But I hear that it is quicker. I just want to make a damn blanket. 😉 Knit, crochet, sew – I don’t effing care. So I’m going to work on crocheting and knitting. I will probably do more of one than the other over time. Of course I will knit more now because I have so many things on the needles. I’m just trying to get the basics of crochet down. I’ve been holding the hook wrong all my life so it is like starting again.

So far I’ve just been practicing doing chains:

exciting chains
exciting chains

UGH! I suck at this so far. :/ If it is going to waste my time, I will just focus on knitting. I can always go back to crochet later.

But I Am a Good Girl

Not only did I make grilled cheese sandwiches for the first time today, it was also the first time I ate one! That has to be a North American record. I want to say world record…who hasn’t had grilled cheese before? I’m in love with my sandwich grill (AKA sandwich maker). I’m sticking with grilled cheese for now. Later I would like to make omelets, french toast etc. But if I freaked out over putting buttered bread with cheese on the grill, who knows what would happen with french toast?


“OMG, what if it is getting too hot and I haven’t even put the second piece of bread on yet. AHHHHHHHHHH!” Yes I was out of my mind.I used this “recipe” to make the sandwiches. Yes, I needed that. I’m so not a cook. I don’t know if I should ever really try. Maybe when I get a bigger kitchen (not that mine is small when compared to the rest of the house), I would want to cook more. For now I’m sticking with gadgets. The sandwiches were awesome by the way. 😉

I also made um, something. I crocheted a flower pot…by mistake! LOL. I was just trying to work on my hand movements. I stopped following the rules. I wasn’t counting etc. I just wanted to make something other than a string necklace. And it sort of came out like this:


Now it looks like a flower pot, and I think I’m done with it. I’m going to keep practicing. Hopefully I can make a cover for my iPod. I have a pattern for a 8GB or 16GB iPod from my crochet class so I have to adjust that a little. (I have the old school big classic iPod) If I can do that, that would be a victory.

This youtube video is the closest to what the teacher showed me. The biggest difference is how to hold the yarn with my left hand. I was having problems so we tried the “wrap yarn around my fingers” method. I love her cardigan. How many years away am I from making that??

I finally used Goupon! If you don’t use it, you have no idea what you are missing. I got $50 worth of food/groceries for $25 dollars! (extreme coupon that – heh) I could have had it delivered for a fee but I chose the pick up option. I’m getting my food on Tuesday and of course I’m super excited. 🙂 I got a lot of regular food but the best part is the options. I get to order LOCAL food easily (meat, fruit & veggies). Also instead of going into Cathy’s bakery, I get to order one cupcake or whatever from the comfort of my home. That is great for social interaction. I’m bummed that I won’t get to meet Cathy. :/

I’m the most excited about tasting baklava for the first time. I’ve searched for it in the Mediterranean parts of the store but I have never found any. I don’t have to go into the little Mediterranean shop to get my baklava! I know other people have done this for a while but without Groupon, I wouldn’t have known my area had one. That is another plus of using Groupon. I learn about places I didn’t know existed. I found a place that offers affordable horseback riding lessons for beginners. I’d been searching online for months but never found this place until they had a deal. I decided to not get the lessons and stick with “needs” like food.

Ha. I know baklava isn’t a need but 95% of the things I brought are regular items. Yay for pick up food Tuesday.

Edited to add:

I have a shame story to tell.

I was in the bank on Thursday. When it was my turn to go to the counter, the teller said nothing. Perhaps she was still working on the previous customer. Then the other teller had a problem and she spent 3-5 minutes with them. I was growing inpatient. I was on my lunch break (does that say it all?) and I didn’t want to be late. Btw, I was 7 minutes late back to work. Anyhow when she got to me, she tried the small talk thing but I was being stubborn. I was thinking, you have already taken my time, please just do your part so I can get out of here. I did respond to her small talk curtly and I added and “can I have these placed in my checking account”? She goes, “what?” or whatever and I repeated it. She worked faster than I have ever seen a teller work. I didn’t know they could deposit that fast. I’m not joking.

My shame comes in because I know that no matter what the situation I need to just chill. If it is normal stranger small talk, I know how to do that. I could have played along in this case but I was so inpatient, angry….etc. And yes I was/am so ashamed. It feels better to share this here rather than write it in my paper journal. I am worried that if I share all my shame stories “you” will hate me and think I’m a bad person. “You” may think that already. LOL.

Well like Brene teaches, it is better to share the shame. To keep it hidden, is to feel more shame. So here is shame story #1.

Set Fire to the Rain

OMG, I want to give up on the regular dose of Abilify….after I told you not to. This sucks. I was on 2.5mg. I had to go without for about 3 days; I ran out of samples. Now I’m on 5mg. That is the normal dose for depression. I’m on my 5th day of 5mg and I’m so freakin exhausted. Not just tired but very sleepy. My muscles are also sore but not as bad as it was on the lower dose. I had gotten used to having energy and now it is gone.

I’m too cynical to say, “I know this is temporary”. I will say I am less than a week away from going back to the low dose. I guess having energy is a good thing? heh. I don’t want to go back to the old me.

Today is my birthday. I have the day off. I went to the one time crochet class. I was the only one there. That was not what I expected. They used to cancel if they only had one person. I think I was on too much medicine to really freak out but I did have butterflies. Forgetting the actual crocheting for a second, the class went okay. I didn’t suck like I normally do socially. (Say yes to drugs?). But by the end, I was getting so sleepy. I wanted to run out of that room….or at least yawn. I was so glad to get out of there! I went home and went straight to bed for a nap.

I may have messed up when I asked her if she knew of any good DVDs for crocheting (she didn’t). I didn’t mean to imply that she wasn’t enough. It is just ONE class. I’m a geek. I need supplements, dude! She got quiet after that; however, it may have been because she wanted to know if I had questions about the project. I am a borderline aspie so I always misunderstand (?) what people say. If you ask me, “do you have any questions” and I don’t have any on that topic, I tend to go to a question I DO HAVE.

The crocheting itself. ugh. That shit is hard. One of my problems is that I learned the simple stuff the wrong way. For years I had no idea I was holding the hook and yarn wrong since the results looked normal. I had a hard time trying to do it the normal way. It would have been better if I’d never touched a crochet hook before.

The hand movements….I suck. I’m not giving up but I’m definitely deflated.

Wowza (say no to drugs?)

I went to a hotel just to get away. The hotel is new, less than 3 years old. The decor was modern (minus the carpet) and I love it. Not to sound nitpicky, but the modern light switches I. do. not. like. I would not have those in my home. I hate them. I took pics of the modern stuff because I loved it so much:

nice art for a hotel
I want the lamp
modern look

My only other complaints had to do with the noise and lack of hot water. I took a warm shower. If someone wants to get away from noise, I probably wouldn’t recommend this hotel. Maybe it is quieter during the week. I don’t know….

What did I get for my birthday?

free breakfast
music (Adele, Amos Lee, Burlesque soundtrack)
souvenirs from Trinidad and Tobago
a sandwich maker
a portable DVD player (I have a tendency to break these…or do they just not last? I’m glad I have a DVD player besides the one on my computer though).

I’m going to go “cook” now.

happy to be on abilify?

Oh my god! I love Abilify. 🙂 🙂 😉 🙂 😉

No I’m not happy…I’m still me. There is no magic drug. I’ve been on the lowest dose of Abilify for enough time for it to work and guess what?? IT IS WORKING. I have energy. I’m not sleeping in. I got up today like I used to do PRE-major depression. That’s not all.

I went into Michael’s (for the 1st time) and talked to the woman who does crochet classes. I’m so in! I was more into the jewelry making class but the teacher wasn’t there. She has to cancel classes sometimes because so few people show up. She really wanted me there today. But I do have school and HELLO? the NBA playoffs start today. Maybe she forgot?

When she sees the reserved “shy” me, she is going to wonder who that person she saw in the store was. LOL. I was with my mom running errands and we just stopped in Michaels for 2 minutes. I had no idea they did classes. I can’t hide excitement. When I’m with someone I know I am so over the top. However when I’m in a group or with people I don’t know my excitement turns inward into…anxiety(?).

I know how to crochet a little but I want to make hats for myself and for others. I’ve tried books and one DVD. Nothing has worked so I would LOVE to take a class. I know the basics of jewelry making. I am sort of past beginner but since I haven’t done it in at least 3 years, a beginner class would be fine.

Back to Abilify: 12 hours after I took the first dose, my muscles felt like they had aged 40 years. Everything hurt. It seemed like I had worked out for the first time in maybe 5 years. I did go to work. (A plus for having a job where I can sit down). But even walking hurt. Luckily that didn’t last for longer than two days. I am still scared of the other potential side effects. I have never been on anything with potential life changing side effects. I’ve said this isn’t a magic pill but it is the closest thing to it.

So this is my infomercial. Talk to your doctor today.

🙂 🙂 😉


I have to go to the library…and then school work (and playoffs) for the rest of the day.