break even

I think the Van Gundy brothers are hot. #nba

People call people crazy when they don’t get them. They do it do dismiss the person. Dehumanize the person so they can continue to talk about the person without feeling bad. Would any human being call a real crazy person crazy? I know the answer to that is sadly “Yes”. But there are some compassionate, humane people out there…somewhere. I have hope.

People are threatened by anything different. Everyone (well in America) wants to think everyone is the same. I don’t know where this came from…my theory is guilt but I admit I could be way off. But Americans like to pretend that everyone is the same. And guess what. It’s NOT true. It is sooo obviously not true but no one acknowledges it. It’s wierd. To me.

I never had the “everyone is the same” belief. I was and still am the ugly duckling. Never turned into a swan. (Shoutout to Hans!) I always felt like the outsider. And I still am. People take one look at me and just know that something is “off”. I overhear people making comments all the time. So I’ve always know that if I’m different, well others are too. That seems obvious to me but others don’t think that way. ?????

People dismiss anything different as “crazy”. They don’t know how else to describe it. They don’t dare say “different” or even “odd” because that threatens them for some reason. It’s like they want to believe everyone is on the same playing field. It comforts them. I see this everyday (not just with personally. I observe it in groups or if I just overhear two people talking about someone I don’t know).

I don’t know why I’m posting this. I was or will be on the midst of a nervous breakdown. My dad cannot live in my house. Not because I don’t want him too (but there is that too). My house is a storage house. There is no room. And guess what I am taking two classes. One class is much harder than I thought it would be. I don’t have time or the resources to get a room ready by June something.

AND work has totally flattened me. I haven’t been taking my classes seriously. I have to study/do homework at lunch because that is before all the bad stuff happens. When I got home on Wednesday and Thursday I was so depressed. I barely did a thing. I did make myself and go outside with my cat to do something. I had to do *something*.

I can’t let work get me down. Today was surprisingly a good day. 🙂 I went to work 3 hours after most of my coworkers. I can’t do that during the week because I can’t get any house or school work down if I’m getting home at 6:30PM. That can’t happen. On Tuesday I’m planning to be leave by 4PM at the latest.

One thing I noticed while looking at my vacation photos was I WAS REALLY SMILING! I never smile. Even when I think I’m smiling, I go back and look at the pictures and I looked so depressed. The one that makes me the saddest is my high school graduation. I really thought I was smiling but I look so sad. And there is was nothing sad about me leaving high school. (I didn’t walk across when I graduated from college. Had no desire. I don’t think it was an option in high school plus my parents probably really wanted me to do it.)

Even though New York City was sooo not relaxing, I actually smiled. The digital camera was an enlightened and nightmarish invention for me. About 6 years ago, I would take a pic of myself. I don’t know why I started it. I looked like death. Depressed. Sad. DEAD. I could not smile. It’s late and I don’t want to BS

I smiled…I was depressed…and now I’m floating.

This isn’t supposed to make sense. I’ve been up forever and I’m scared to ask my dad……………fuck,

faux Christianity

Since they are mentioning stuff I blog about, I may as well blog to my coworkers. They mentioned the law today. (re: my entry titled “All is well?”) so here is an open rant to you all.

Where do I begin? The faux Christianity? How calling someone crazy at work is harassment (LOOK IT UP!)?

How can someone call themselves a Christian when they do things daily to irritate people? I know America is full of faux Christians but these people are evangelical Christians. They go to church and preach to others. That isn’t “my parents are Christian so uh, I guess I am but I don’t pray or go to church or know much about Jesus Christ or the bible”. Oops, did I go there? I sorta get those people because they don’t preach and they are everywhere.  I don’t judge them because they don’t go on about how others need Christ. Blah blah.

I just don’t understand how someone can publicly preach at work and then intentionally try to piss a person off? How is that Christian? It is faux Christianity. It is the height of hypocrisy. And then they say, “God knows my heart.” Well I’m not god (gasp!) and I can know part of your heart enjoys pissing people off. ARRRRRRRRRRRRRFFFHHHHHHHHHHHHH. God knows your intentions. That we can agree on.

At work one of the evangelical Christians said, “It is easy to NOT be Christian.” ROFL. Are they fucking serious? Christianity to me seems like the easiest religion ever. All you have to do is get baptized and ask for forgiveness every time you shit on someone. Oh, that is sooooooooooo hard. And you have to choose which part of the bible you believe. (Being gay is wrong, nothing is wrong with gossiping. Hmm, is slavery okay? Etc.)

She was trying to say by not being Christian, you can do drugs etc without thinking about it. I’m not a Christian. I don’t have pre-martial sex (lol), drink alcohol, do drugs or intentionally piss people off. When I do something wrong, I don’t ask a God forgiveness I feel horrible and ashamed.  I have no problems with people being Christian but now I understand why some have such a negative view of it. Before these two, I thought who cares if someone wants to believe in Jesus. It has nothing to do with me. But hearing this lame crap every day, UGH. I now am leery of Christianity . I understand why some atheists get so pissed at them. I’m only mad at these two at work. Lol. Otherwise I don’t care. Well I don’t like the mix of church and state.

This isn’t a bash Christianity post. If you think so, read it again. j/k. I had to get this out. I’m so frustrated by stuff going on at work.

PS.

Did I mention that repeatedly calling someone crazy and psycho can get your ass fired?! Ask a lawyer. Or read your ethics manual. Now I wish I had reported them. But they know, they no longer do it out loud after doing it daily. So someone got to them or they read the harassment rules. Too bad someone has to tell these Christians, not to call someone crazy. I wanna be Christian. It would make my life so much easier.

All is well?

The  power went out @ 2am. There was a car accident two blocks away.  It was and still is freezing in my house. I think the power came back on around 10am (the power company left me a voicemail). I assumed that my heater would come back on when the power did. I thought I would be coming back to a somewhat warm house. NO. I was so worried about my kitty. She felt as cold as the house this morning.  My mom is not impressed with this little story. She went without heat for 5-6 days a couple of weeks ago. Who can blame me for being concerned about my cat? Even though she bit me Sunday night….grrr!

It is sleeting right now. I hope people won’t be driving tonight. I’ve lived in Virginia for quite a while. And we have never had this much snow. And it isn’t over. A woman from Jersey said “In New Jersey, these would have been clean and in much better shape.” See, that is the difference between snow up north and here. They expect it and prepare. We don’t. Sue me, I hate driving on ice. What a concept!

I have to do an hour or maybe 30 minutes (ha) of cleaning. Due to the weather, I haven’t had a chance to go to any stores. It is probably better this way. The last thing I need to do is buy random storage.

At work I got a good review. I’m self motivated (yep!) and dedicated (yep!) but I wanted a ‘works well unsupervised’. Did not get that. I’m used to getting that one because I do! Honestly, I wasn’t expecting her to say anything as good as she said.  Those compliments have no effort on the actual review. But even then, I did better than last year. The only reason why I got a higher than average review, is due to lack of my mistakes being caught. Where I work mistakes happen so I know I made some but I was lucky not to get caught.

I just have to keep it up. Oh, the ‘bad’ stuff. “Build relationships with coworkers”. ROFL. #1 Do I have a relationsip with anyone? #2  Um, these people have called me crazy since day one. I sat crying at my desk on the first day. It was brutal. It was K’s last day so she was happy go lucky. She held nothing back. They had obviously been talking about me prior to my first day. (I transferred from another department). I get that but to talk about me like that when I was sitting right there. LOL. That is not a good memory.

“I would talk to them but they have been calling me crazy since day one so….” I really wanted to say that. Btw, that is harassment and in some cases discrimination. I’ll just settle for harassment. It lasted for a year. Within the past 3 months, they have gotten word somehow that calling some crazy can lose your job….Otherwise why would they stop on their own. I was about to contact HR last week but without them using the “C” word out loud, what do I have? So unless something else happens the reporting it thing is done. I should have done it when it was happening daily. According to a lawyer, they probably would have gotten fired…

WHICH WAS NOT MY GOAL. I JUST WANTED THE HARRASSMENT TO STOP! So now they do subtle things. Things that can’t be reported. I missed my chance. What does this mean? Was this meant to be? I had a chance to stand up for myself but I didn’t. I’m not a tattle-tale. I hate tattle-tales. If it weren’t for the subtle shit they do, I would say “All is well that ends well” but things are not well….

I have to do unclutter my life. What fun!

Being me

I love Being Erica. I haven’t seen all the episodes though. There will be a marathon of the first season on Sunday. Um, don’t they know football is on?! The playoffs. Go Ravens!

I don’t know where to start with work. Actually I didn’t let them get to me like I did yesterday. By the end of the day – when most people were gone – I did hold my head in my hands. Stop working and watched the clock tick for the last ten minutes. I did meet my goal (again!) . I’m going to learn something new soon. I might need the challenge or I might have a breakdown.

There are two bullies in the office: De and Mo. I’m so glad I’m not going to be in training with either of them. I have to give De credit for acting professional when others are around but Mo always acts the same way. Always. But I truly believe and know De is evil. I think she takes all her repressed feelings out on me. She says, “I don’t know what is wrong with her (me).” to others. Yet she comes right back to taunting me RIGHT AFTER SHE SAID THAT. She’s fucking evil. I haven’t caught her in the past two weeks using words like “psycho”, “crazy” so going to hr plan is out.

They know I’m listening so they are being more careful. Hmmm. I know I work best alone but does that mean that if there is the opportunity, I should take it? Demand it? That is running away from the problem but there must be a compromise. I just haven’t figured it out. I just know this situation is literally driving me crazy and affecting my work.

I hate how people only look on the surface. They see a physical disability but most of them don’t even acknowledge mental things. They just say “crazy”. Which to them means weird or stupid. Who knows? I’m sick of figuring them out.

Heidi Montag is following me on Twitter. My first celeb follow (where I didn’t follow the celeb first). Yes, she is a celebrity. That is a good way to get followers. She is near 100k. I’m guessing that is the minimum a person needs to make money on twitter. I’ll follow her back. Why not? I don’t mind helping people make money. It won’t cost me a thing.

Oh, and the reason I don’t follow back people on my website twitter account because I know you are going to eventually hate me and stop following me. Everyone does. People don’t even read here which is like saying “I don’t care if you’re dead”. That is what it means to me. Other people might interpret it differently. Lol.

up out my face

URGH!!

They think everything I do is about them. Hello? I was pissed off about MY WORK – the thing that matters.

So I was sitting there, correcting a mistake and then I get this email that may me go “shit!” because it would take me an additional 15 minutes to fix the problem. So I shook my head. Vigorously. I may have rolled my eyes. Not sure.

Anyway, they started talking about ME talking about THEM. LOL. It’s not about you. And why are you always looking at my goddamn face anyways? They never talk to me so there isn’t a good excuse for looking at me.

Of course I look crazy in this situation because they weren’t talking about me, they were just talking and doing nothing. So I look CRAZY for spazzing out at my computer. However, it had NOTHING to do with them.

Ugh. What a way to end a day. Like I say on Twitter, “Today is (insert day).” LOL.

This doesn’t seem like a big deal. I know. My uncle has cancer. People are being raped. Parents are wondering where their kids are and if they are safe. Chicago isn’t getting the Olympics (the last one was inappropriate -sorry!).

But I have to deal with this next week. The great thing is that I’m only working 3 days next week. 🙂 So maybe by then they will forget? NO these are the peeps trying to figure me out by reading books so that’s not gonna happen. If anything happens, I have to be the strong one TO NOT react. Otherwise they keep trying to get me to flip out.’

It’s funny, most days the work is okay but the environment…actually I love the actual work. I would love it more it there wasn’t so much time pressure. You want me to get this right but you always want it quickly. Ummm?

More about my weekend plans later. I have one thing planned. I was going to go away but now I’m being a scaredy cat about $.

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I have a ton of Avon stuff planned. I’m going out of town to get rid (aka toss) Avon brochures. I’m giving them all away with coupons and samples of course. I do realize that my feelings toward people is stopping my success. Not my shyness but when I have thoughts of “I can’t stand people” like after the incident @ work.

more later

asocial in a social world part I

I’ve been so busy. Normally I would have erased my previous post the next day. LOL. Skip the first part to read about me having a kid at 40 years old.
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Asocial : not social: as a: rejecting or lacking the capacity for social interaction

I’ll try to explain something. I know people with social anxiety will get it. But I think people who have been emotionally abused or are highly sensitive can get this too. I don’t know how this will go. The average person will just think “she’s crazy”. That’s one reason I don’t open up to people. Only 1% of the reason.

Someone in my department asked me to go to lunch. We are going next week. This wasn’t the first time she asked. This is probably the 3rd or 4th time. Once we agreed not to go. The other times we “forgot”. I should be happy to possibly have ONE friendly face @ work. But I’m not because people are complicated. It is too hard to keep up a social charade. I don’t have enough energy to be anyone other than myself. I can’t. keep. any. act. up. (cannot reiterate enough). I also can’t lie. I suck at it. And I naturally tell the truth.

Here’s the problem with people I see daily. work or wherever I would go daily.

1. Before anything even happens, I’m thinking “ugh, I have to speak to her everyday.” This isn’t about a conversation. Saying hi FIRST is extremely hard for me. And I never say bye. Speaking is assuming YOU care. Why should you care about me when we aren’t friends? I know most people do it naturally. They smile, speak and ask “How are you?” without giving a damn. I have not gotten that concept down. If I ask how you are, it is because I want to know details about whatever ‘it’ is.

This is a problem because I dread this shit. I don’t even bother faking it for one day because I know I’m not doing it daily. This is partially social anxiety thing plus being emotionally fucked with in the past.

2. I don’t do small talk. I know a lot of people HATE it. But guess what they can do it! It just doesn’t click in my brain to talk about random stuff I don’t care about. This is probably why I will never have friends. (BTW, I’m open to one close friend not friends). okay so like I’m supposed to talk about the like weather? Are you serious? I want to know your thoughts on soul mates or what your favorite music is. I’d even talk religion or politics….as long as the other person is open minded enough to not be offended. I’m considered radical where I live.

The walls I have around me are made of steel. I would rather you hate me…and you do 🙂 before I open myself up to you.

I’m ending part I. I will probably post part II this weekend if I can break away from studying. It is about intrusion.
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This is completely random. I have no desire to have a kid right now. none. In fact I say, “Thank god I don’t have kids” at least 5 times a week. I’m 29 years old. I’ve decided that at 40, I will made a decision about ‘having’ a child. I would have to have my dream house and be content with life. I’m too much of a pessimist to believe that will happen. To me that is a dream…a possible dream.

There are many problems with this: I don’t want to bring a kid into the world. There are enough kids in America who desperately need homes. There is no desire for me to have a mini-me. And I don’t want to spread my genes. Seriously.

That leads to two more dilemmas.

*Morally (FOR ME – I’M NOT JUDGING OTHERS), I don’t believe in bringing a child into the world without a male role model. I don’t have male friends so….and no there is no male in my family to do this. I have no moral problems with being a single parent or being a gay family but there must be a male figure in my kid’s life. A constant person. A person I can trust and count on.

*I want a potty trained kid. Thanks. Okay that isn’t the problem. The problem is who would give me a child? I could have sex with someone (no thank you) and have a kid, but ME passing through the adoption process?? LOL. I’m serious about the potty trained part. I don’t know how old the kid would have to be…I know nothing about kids or babies.

Therefore, at 40 I will probably not have my one adopted kid. Too many problems. But I’m making the kid decision in 11 years. I just want the world to know.

trust no one

I’m a night owl. No matter how tired I am, around 10:30PM I start moving around as if I’ve had 10 cups of coffee. However, my brain is not working so this won’t be much of an entry.

The ‘old’ friend from high school aka facebook friend responded again. I know if I look at the response I will obsess over what to say tonight instead of focusing on the Lakers game going to sleep. I probably will tell my therapist about her. I’m scared she may force a meeting. I did initiate the idea of a meeting. Sorta. I left it up to her to follow up if she wanted to. Right now that is in the air. If I read facebook friend’s message I would probably know what’s up. 🙂

Anyhow, I am thinking about going into my mistrust of new people. I just don’t trust people I don’t know. I don’t trust that they will be honest. Will they tell others what I say to them? I don’t want friends at work because I’m paranoid. YES PARANOID. But they also think I’m crazy so why should I try to be friends with them. It is hard with the whole crazy stigma.

I officially hate the use of the word “crazy”, btw. It is used as a put down when a person doesn’t act normal. Does anyone even know what crazy is? It is too general for me. It’s like a lazy term people use when they don’t care enough to really find out what is going on. Hate it.

Well I have to get to bed and listen to the NBA game as I drift off to sleep……