freedom of a blank stare

I haven’t had soda in 48 hours so excuse me for being off. I stopped cold turkey just like I did last time. ( I only started back up a few months ago because coffee was making me really sick). Now I have no caffeine. Well I’m still drinking tea…at least until that runs out. Is there really caffeine in that diet Lipton tea stuff? I swear I can’t tell. Then I guess I will just drink water. I wish I liked milk…nah, maybe not. That stuff isn’t cheap.

Sodas gone. To boost my serotonin levels, I’m starting to eat spinach. Perhaps with a low dose of Zoloft plus the spinach, my brain can produce normal levels of serotonin. About a year ago, I foolishly requested my Zoloft to be lowered because I thought it was making me irritable. Silly move probably. I think it really did help with the social anxiety. I did things I had never done before. Now I don’t think I want to ask for a higher dose -that would mean 2 pills instead of 1- even though I probably should consider it. Maybe the spinach will work? Here’s hoping.

I don’t cook so of course I have to share pictures of my first attempt at cooking spinach. 😉 I cooked the following x2.

I cooked the biggest bag of spinach the store had and that is all I ended up with after it was cooked. I will definitely be buying more. I probably used too much olive oil (ya think??). I didn’t add anything for flavor because I forgot to buy anything.


Project Real Life  Week 9 – Clutter

I was so proud of myself for throwing away almost everything from my house. Clutter be gone! I threw away books (!!), clothes, shoes, handbags etc. I had already donated some of the books in really good shape. I probably could have donated some of my clothes but I knew that I didn’t want to go through them. I just trashed everything. It was easier that way. If I had to go through each thing and make a decision…LOL. I would still have stuff in the house right now.

This is really good because I’m not taking anything to my new apartment that I don’t need. So I’m starting off on December 15th clutter-free. YAY! I’m not a natural hoarder so I don’t think I will have a problem. Things only got bad at my house when I was so depressed that nothing mattered (year 3?). I brought the mail in and dumped it on the table everyday. Okay, sometimes on the floor. Whatever. Eventually that adds up. It wasn’t like I was buying stuff. It was just junk.

The worst thing about clutter for me was losing stuff. I would lose shampoo and end up buying more just because I couldn’t find it. NEVER AGAIN.

Speaking of moving…Oh g-d. At least I now feel confident that I actually have the apartment despite not signing a lease yet. I still wish I could at least see the lease. That’s all I wanted. I’m an anxious mess. I need to know everything possible. My budget is going to be sooooo tight. But I think I can do it. I’m too scared to really add it up but I have to know how much I can spend on groceries/toiletries each month.

I know this entry is all over the place (blame the lack of soda/caffeine). I still have to pack. I move in 9 days and I haven’t finished packing…mostly because I need most of the stuff I have with me. It is mostly work stuff. I can’t pack that until the last minute. This is going to be the weirdest move ever. I can’t think about it too much. Overwhelm. Overwhelm.

I wish all this was easier but I have to step up and step out on my own. I am capable. I have a few new goals I will implement on December 15. I might come up with a whole list and post it here.


It is 4PM on NYE and I’m so tired but I’m always tired. I’m in a hotel room, 15 miles from where I live. I feel like I should be out doing something. It is 50 degrees outside after all. I didn’t even need a coat but I’ll probably stay in. I’m taking my mom out to eat tomorrow. That’s enough of an outing for a weekend. Heh. She wants to go out for dinner. I hope it isn’t crowded. I LOVE breakfast food so if it were up to me I’d go around 10AM. But it’s her choice.

I interrupt this journal break to speak about two things. I’ll start with the one thing that freaks me out the most: money. FUCK, I brought a 4G Wireless thingy for my laptop! School starts in a week. My dial-up connection was out. It’s not the ISP but the phone line. Verizon spent a couple of hours putting the phone line back up. Yep, it fell for no apparent reason (?) again. And it is still not working. Fine. I told them to come back next week. But I forgot that I’m on a phone schedule at work (even if I don’t actually get on the phone) so I can’t leave work to let him in. That means no internet in time for classes.

(Verizon 4G network zips, but all that data will cost you)

I didn’t want to give up dial-up. I used to say that I was the only person in America still using it but I’ve learned that one reason um, poorer nations have great Wi-fi is due to the call center jobs they have…Duh, that makes sense. So I was the only person on Earth with dial-up…Who knows what the Martians are using?

The worst thing about the 4G thing is…where do I begin? It is LIMITED. Why am I paying $60 a month for limited internet access? HUH? I only get 5GBs a month. Um, hello I grew up on the net. I was on the net when only geeks were on. I was on Prodigy and Compuserv. I know what a list-serv is. Do I seem like a person that would only use 5GBs a month???

With dial up, it took forever but it was cheap and I had NO LIMITS. So now I’m paying much more and I can do less. I’m not a genius but that doesn’t make sense to me. Wow, who knew dial-up was so good. I’m glad my mom has the regular wireless internet from Comcast. NO LIMITS… I was desperate. The worst thing is the cost. I had to pay $150 for the gadget. I get a $50 rebate so $100. Whatev. Then I have to pay two months up front in less than a week! That is a lot of money (to me). FUCK. Do you think I would have booked this hotel or done anything AT ALL this month if I knew I was going to buy this?? NO.

I refuse to believe I’m stuck with this. For now I kinda am. But it costs $175 to terminate the contract so once I’ve had it for a while, I can cancel it and get something better suited for me. I knew I should not have gone in that store. I knew it!

Oh, I was supposed to review it. I used it last night. It’s um fast…I guess. It isn’t fastest than regular Wi-Fi. I obviously don’t care about speed so that doesn’t mean much to me. I was cut knocked off twice (after about 2 straight hours on). Once I jumped up suddenly and bumped the computer. The other time I was doing nothing and got disconnected. So far that is a minor annoyance. As long as I can get back on if I’m doing something important like paying a bill, I’m fine. I’m monitoring my usage which will take time to get used to. I doubt school will require too much usage.

Verizon Wireless 4G LTE

I’m still thinking about dropping another class. Speaking of school, I still haven’t gotten my check from the class I paid for and dropped a week later. I’ll give them one more week. I think I’m going to just to OT out of the wazoo until it is gone. (Rumors say February-ish). I was being a little carefree because I was doing OT. Well guess what? ALL THAT IS GONE and then some. 😦

The second thing:

I have found the best organization book. Okay I’ve only read 2 other books on this subject because I haven’t had a HUGE clutter problem until recently – within the last 2-3 years. ADD-Friendly Ways to Organize Your Life RELAX! I’m not saying you have ADD. It doesn’t matter. This is the only book that says, “It is okay to clean in spurts when you feel like it”. I’m not an expert on organization books but I am a self help fiend. Most of those books frown down on when you FEEL LIKE IT. If you wait until you feel like it, you’re never going to do it. Um, no. I am a night person and that is when I get the urge to just start doing chores I normally hate.

Unfortunately that isn’t working for me. I have a day job. So doing anything at 11PM (when I have the most energy – LOL!) isn’t feasible. Anyhow, it is nice to read a book that doesn’t make you feel like a bad person because of how you are. If you are having issues with clutter and nothing else has worked maybe you should browse it the library or bookstore. Eventually I’ll post stuff I found helpful in the book.

BTW, I’m never staying in this hotel again. Maybe it is a NYE thing but I have never heard such a rowdy crowd. They slam their doors instead of just shutting it constantly and I dunno, maybe the walls are too thin? Never again. Sigh.

too raw

I don’t want to talk about work. It is still too raw. I’m not over it. I will say that I’m still employed. 🙂

I have never owned a sofa. In 2 weeks, I’m getting a sofa and a love seat. A real live sofa! Okay sofas aren’t alive but you know what I mean. I don’t have room for it. I was apprehensive about taking a family member’s furniture. Because what about choosing your own stuff? What about your vision? blah. I’m never going to buy my own sofa so what the heck? I never even had a vision when it came to a sofa. lol.

I’m freaking out a little. (no way!) I was going to declutter the living room anyway. I started and now I’m taking a break. It’s a never-ending process. I have 4 days to clean up before my mom comes to help. Without her help, I would pass this furniture up due to lack of room.

I’m looking around my living room now and thinking, “Where is the love seat going to fit?” My cat’s room is going to totally change. She will have a daybed in her room. She probably won’t sleep with me anymore because she’ll have a real bed in her room. I know that sounds nuts but she knows that is her room because I never go in except to change her litter and when I need to print something.

I am supposed to go to church this Sunday. Of course now I’m concerned with backing out due to all the crap I have to do on Saturday. But I have to attempt to have some discipline, right?

I’m going to a church??!

I’ve been on hold with the insurance company for 25 minutes. I think they are charging me too much for mental health visits. I know the copays have gone up for most people (except teachers in our state– they have the lowest copays! $20 to a specialist and $10 for their primary doctor. I would love that. Who wouldn’t? Uh, yes most of them with any experience make more than me so don’t go there.)

30 minutes and counting…

On March 7 I’m going to a church. No, not a Christian Church. LOL. NOTHING is going to stop me. Only a physical illness could stop me. Working 40 hours around people has always been my excuse for not doing anything that involves people on the weekend. I have a hard time understanding how a person can go to work and then go to church on Sunday! Who knows what they did on Saturday? That is too much stimulation for me.

When I was unemployed, I would have to go out at least once a week. In the summer, walking around the neighborhood was enough. I am very much a loner but I need some stimulation…even if it is just a grocery store. I don’t get lonely, I would call it bored. But since I’m around people mon-fri, I’m OVERstimulated. I don’t feel a need to do anything outside of my house on the weekends.

35 minutes. Still on hold….

I’ve never been near this church. I don’t know exactly where it is. But I’m committed to going. I would like to go to the service at least once a month. And they have documentary movie Friday twice a month. I’m a documentary freak so going to that once a month would be nice. (As long as no discussion is required – I hate talking. LOL). IF I like this church, I would like to do some volunteer stuff with them. It is easier when working with a group. I’ve done the solo volunteering thing and I felt like a circus freak except when the girl from Russia was working with me. (She was living with a host family and volunteering while she was here).

40 minutes on hold. I’m on my cell. I have limited minutes!

I’m committed. This is my courageous year???! Even if I had a bad work week and the thought of people make me want to poke pins in my eyes, I will still go. I wanted to just go to the newcomer’s meeting but there is a service right before that so…I feel like proper protocol is to go to the service and the meeting. Not that I really care about protocol. The main reason I’m going on March 7th is for the newcomer’s meeting.

45 minutes on hold…if they have fuck. Fuck. Answer the goddamn phone! I should hang up because it is probably due to the snow on the east coast. In DC, some people can’t get to work because there is no shuttle service or metro. Sigh. I’m just worried about going over. Should I really hang up after being on hold for 45 minutes? ::silence::

I’m scared to go to this new church but there is a quote that goes, “My life will be more interesting if I do this then if I don’t” so I will at least go to the meeting. Not excited or that interested in the service so I’m going to need to hype myself up for that. I will blog about other concerns later. Trust me, I have a lot of issues with churches…even when it isn’t a Christian Church.

Well 50 minutes holding. Wasting minutes. Fuck. Someone answered but guess what the women at the office told me to call the wrong number. And he couldn’t just transfer me. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

One more thing: I went to work late today so I did some de-cluttering. I got rid of two whole boxes! *cheer* Too bad, I couldn’t find the one thing I was looking for. But so far I have two boxes and two trash bags to take out. Yay!

Oh god, I got through to the other number easily. Bad news. It costs me $25 more to go to see anyone in mental health. That is unusual. Who copay goes up by $25 in one year? Yes prevent people from going to see mental health providers. GOOD MOVE. LOL. They have no idea what they are doing. I am now cutting back big time on that. Sucks. I was just getting excited about going twice a month. Guess I should’ve been a teacher but that involves talking…


And what if I went over my minutes. Wah. This sucks. Suckity. Suck. Suck.

Have a nice day! I’m taking a nap. Got to do long hours tomorrow if I can get out of bed early. It is so hard getting up in the winter. In the summer/spring, I don’t have this problem. And I’m pretty sure I’m becoming a night person or maybe this is related to winter too. Around 11pm, I have so much energy and nothing to do with it. Haha.

Longest. Entry. Ever. tata

unclutter my life

I hate when I work so hard and it doesn’t show…at work, at home. etc.

I’m in the midst of organizing. Really organizing. I got some decent ideas from Christopher Lowell’s organization book – Christopher Lowell’s Seven Layers of Organization: Unclutter Your Home, Unclutter Your Life. But my problems are

  • clothes. It’s not like I have a lot of clothes but I have about ZERO closest space.
  • my cat has taken over the house (vague, I know)
  • no space. my house is smaller than my last apartment. I never had a space problem until I moved here.
  • I need a better filing system. It’s so funny, when I was growing up I always had a real file cabinet. But now all I have is a file box. I could throw bills from 08 away but that still wouldn’t be enough. I guess I need another $12 box.

I guess it is about not having a place to put stuff. I’m going to get a recycle bin soon so that is where my junk mail will go. That is helpful because my mail doesn’t always make it to the trash in a timely matter.

I want to go to the container store (if we have one) but SCREAM the problem is that I don’t know what to put in the containers. lol. I have made a promise to not decorate my house until it is completely organized.

I’m going to the flea market before mother’s day. I found a few things while cleaning up, that I know will sale. It would be nice to have 50% Avon, 20% my old stuff that-is-like-new, & 30% of a new hobby. We’ll see. In the meantime, I have to find the best flea market in the area.