Thou shall not worship

I have so many things I haven’t been blogging about it. I guess I should just begin at today instead of going back.

I had my first taste of eggnog. I don’t know if this is only a Christmas thing or Thanksgiving and Xmas but um, I like. That may be the only thing good about the holidays? Why do people act like you can only get it near this time of year? Surely that can’t be true, can it? Anyhow, I only had a very little since it was my mom’s. I may be buying my own bottle. 🙂

On a message board someone asked, “Why do you hate the holidays”? Most people said because of family obligations. God, I would hate that too. I don’t do any family stuff (besides exchanging gifts with the immediate family). I think the main reason why I dislike this time of year is the crowds. I can escape the mall crowds by not going to the mall but even the grocery store gets more crowded. Other than that I just put the holidays on IGNORE. Or at least I try. I really hate New Year’s too for different reasons. I won’t get into that now…

In good news, the lady who placed the $125 Avon order, ordered again ($98 this time!). And she plans to order again. It is good news because I thought I really fucked up. I think she just really likes Avon and can’t find another rep. That’s the spirit. I guess I’m just thankful that her order is covering costs. She helps me not lose money when ordering brochures.
On Monday my coworker invited me to church (AGAIN). I used the football excuse last time so this time I just went. It was on a Friday night. And most Fridays nights I just do homework and laundry so I don’t feel like I’m losing too much time. But this is so inauthentic (and uh, I missed a really cool Veteran’s Day college Bball game). I feel this conflict within me but am I really losing anything? I felt resentful afterwards as I was walking to the parking lot. This is partly due to me messing up by leaving my cell phone at home. So when I got to the church we couldn’t meet up! UGH. I thought about leaving early several times. But I was in the middle of the row and even though others did it, I didn’t feel comfortable making people get up.

Christianity and what I believe do have things in common, of course. BUT THERE IS A HUGE DIFFERENCE. Um, I don’t believe in worshiping a god. Yep, that is kinda huge. No one will ever be able to convert me because I just don’t believe in that little part of Christianity. I listen to the sermons and 90% of it is about worshiping so WTF am I doing there?

Generally Buddhism does not believe in a personal God or a divine being, it does not have worship, praying to, or praising of a divine being (although some sects do.) It offers no form of redemption, forgiveness, no heavenly hope, or a final judgment to those practicing its system. Buddhism is a moral philosophy, an ethical way to live for the here and now of this world to gain the ultimate state. It has more in common with humanism and atheism than its original religion Hinduism it separated from. But Buddhism is not atheism just because they don’t believe in a personal God. It is more like pantheism, there is a impersonal force the void which is the ultimate.

If we ever did something outside the church, I think I am ready to tell her that I don’t believe in worshiping a god. I will use Buddhism as my belief system (which is true…but I’m not a practicing Buddhist). I don’t want to bring it up at work because then everyone will hear. When I rarely talk at work it feels like public speaking because everyone can hear what you say. Recently we had to move our desks closer to one another. GAG. That is actually causing me a lot of grief right now but that is a whole ‘nother entry.

Anyway, I think I feel okay with saying, “I just don’t believe in worshiping a god”. I just need a chance to say it…She did say long ago that she did not want to offend me. SIGH. I’m not offended. I watch Christian programs from time to time. It’s not like there are a ton of eastern religious stuff on where I live. But it is different to go out of one’s way to go to a church when one does not believe.

I did listen to the sermon and once again I got the same message: I SHOULD QUIT MY JOB. haha. I always seem to get that message. Too bad I have nothing (skills, people etc.) to fall back on. Bummer. That will not be happening. Plus I’m hoping I will be working from home soon. Patience. Just hang on. This is hard. Struggling. lol.

The whole thing was really socially awkward. I was sitting by myself in a church. I took a beta blocker before to calm my nerves and I did notice that I was able to relax my face more but as soon as a person looked at me, I would tense up. Sigh.

I have a ton to do today. Gotta go.

Jesus doesn’t love me

It really hurts. Like I tweeted, I fell off a bed with two mattresses….onto a hard floor. 😦 My head, side and everything just aches. I’m sure I will be fine. Heh. But for now: Major OW!

(For the record like most of my entries, this entry is titled after a song. It isn’t a personal statement).

So I went to church against my will last night. Longest. Concert. Ever. It was kinda cool to see the “pastor from TV” in person. That was my favorite part actually. The music was pretty good. I didn’t mind some of the preaching but OMG, I don’t believe in Jesus Christ. (no offense). Sentences started off good but then the person would mention JC or their God and they totally lost me.

My coworker who dragged me there doesn’t know that I don’t believe in their God. I don’t even know who their God is…Um, the one in the Bible. (?) I believe in a higher power. I have no problems with people calling it a God. I just am 100% against a savior. I don’t believe in Jesus in that way. I have read the entire Bible. (okay, I might have skipped over some parts but I felt like I read the whole thing).

I’m not a Buddhist but that ‘religion’ describes my feelings more than anything. It was a nice church. The people were great. Etc. But I can never go to a place that places an emphasis on a savior. No one is saving me.

Socially I sucked last night. But as long as I didn’t kill my coworker’s buzz then I don’t feel too bad. I was so tired. And the whole thing was new to me. It wasn’t like anything I’d ever been to. I’ve only seen this stuff on TV! I was a fish out of water. I was frozen. I could only clap.

Going to that church made me think that I wouldn’t mind going to a Buddhist temple. I think we only have ONE so….uh, not happening. I like options. I did go to a Unitarian church about a year or so ago. That was uncomfortable too. (Shocker!) The real reason I didn’t go back is because they MAKE YOU go to a day long orientation. I can’t think of much worse than that*. Why would a church require that to join?

*as far as social stuff goes
GOOD NEWS! Total yayness. 🙂 🙂 🙂 Thanks to Living Social, I have 20 yoga or Zumba classes. Yay! It only cost me $20. I doubt I take 20 yoga classes in 60 days. They only offer yoga 3 times a week (during non work hours). Of course there is a perfect timing Zumba class. :/ I wouldn’t have to wait a hour+ after work to take it. I think I might try one Zumba class. I love to dance but from what I’ve seen Zumba is NOT my thing.

Since I only paid $20, I will be pleased with 6-7 yoga classes in 60 days plus maybe at least trying Zumba. I hope I like it but um, I don’t see that happening. The 60 days doesn’t start until I take my first class. Oh, and I have never been to this place before. But the website looks lovely. And it is very close to work.
Ugh, My head aches.

The Sick In The Head Song

Colds aren’t curable. Taking antibiotics for a cold can end up hurting you. I always wondered why people went to the doctor for a cold. Now I know why! Because doctors wrongly prescribed things and people think they work. ??? NEWSFLASH: Going to a doctor does not help with a common cold. It’s a cold. Um…..I swear Never ask me if I’m to the doctor for a cold. I will suddenly be able to talk. (This has nothing to do with kids and colds. It is probably different for them.) Sorry, it is a pet peeve of mine.

Here’s webmd since I’m not a reliable source. No, I don’t have a cold but ugh, I can feel PMS coming on. It sucks soooooooooooo much. If I could just be alone in the country (heh), I could deal with it. But knowing that other people can be affected by MY irritability makes it 100x worst.

I should be keeping track of this in my paper journal but I’m not tracking it for a doctor. I can tell because things that I can usually overlook aren’t overlooked. No matter how hard I try…..This just sucks. Unfortunately PMS seems to last for 7 days+ for me. Cramps are nothing (to me) compared to the PMS symptoms. I already have enough mental ish to deal with.

Okay, I’m done. It’s day 1 so I had to get that out.

I’m supposed to be blogging about a church invite. She is a Christian. I’m not. However, I am open minded. (I did recently say that I thought most preachers are full of crap but that doesn’t mean their message is bad). I do occasionally listen to Christian ministers on TV. I’ve always been interested in religion. Judiasm mystifies me. Don’t ask me why of all religions that I am so into trying to “get” that.

Asking a non-Christian to go to a Baptist church is kinda weird….no? The only thing I can think of is that church is the one thing she does outside of work so why not invite a person? But she doesn’t know that I’m not a Christian for a reason. I don’t believe in a God. or Jesus. or any savior.

In fact, where I live you are considered evil or a devil if you say you aren’t Christian. So maybe it is my fault for not coming right out and saying it. I did tell her that “I’m not religious”. I think I led her to believe that I’m agnostic. I guess she doesn’t know that I’m an atheist. If she weren’t a coworker…If I didn’t know that she would tell the other coworkers what I said…then I would have no problems telling her. I’m not ashamed of it. But do you really want to be known as a devil at work?

When two people found out I was familiar with Buddhism, they freaked out! “Does she believe in God?” They did some research on the Google machine 😉 and came to the conclusion that “they” believe in a God but not like Christians do. ?????


I just don’t feel it is right to judge someone for not wanting to go to church OF ALL PLACES with you. It’s CHURCH. I don’t believe in that particular faith. Church is the last place I would go. I would rather go to a library or museum. And then she asks me these questions in front of other coworkers. So now they know that I have “no religion”. I also turned her church invite down. I didn’t really. If I were being 100% honest like I am most of the time I would have said, “NO”. Instead I said “maybe”. See, I’m learning to lie social skills slowly. But the others heard and they said stuff. I don’t know exactly what. I was listening to my iPod. I know they were being assholes about it. (NOT the one who asked me but the other coworkers).

As far as religion goes I do study Buddhism but I will probably never call myself one. The biggest difference between Buddhism and Christianity is the whole savior thing. And asking a God for forgiveness is not good enough. etc. But there are a lot of similarities. I have a hard time getting over the savior thing though.

Also, on the weekends I like to hibernate. This isn’t a religious thing. This is an introvert, loner thing. I don’t think I could ever commit to going to church every week. That is simply too much people/social stuff. If I worked at home then going to a church once a week wouldn’t seem so bad. I do need some stimulation. LOL.

Is this a bitchy entry? I probably didn’t get my point across. I just wanted to get this out. And no, this woman I would not consider a friend because she tells my coworkers things I say. We go weeks without talking so we are merely acquaintances. I can’t be friends with someone I can’t trust. If I ever have a friend, I’m pretty sure it won’t be a coworker due to gossip.

the show

Oh, Kansas……….& The Big East. lol

Wondering whether I should go to church, work (just to catch up – no pay), shopping or just stay home tomorrow. The church sermon is about racial segregation in the 1950s. Interesting and it is free but I can’t get over how social church is*. Is there anything left sacred? Everything is social and that is why I don’t do anything!!!! If I go to the service and not talk, I will be perceived as rude BY SOME. A few may see shyness but that isn’t the norm.

*To be fair I have only been to a meeting and seen what it looks like after a service. Vibe = too friendly.

I do care what others think. I don’t want to be rude to people so I just don’t go. It isn’t like I feel the need to go to church so this isn’t “woe is me. I can’t even go to church…unless I want a new group of people to hate me.” 🙂

End of discussion. I’m going to work & I may go shopping. I need something to drink but I really want to check out the organization section of an outlet store. My house has been turned upside down because I got my used love seat, sofa and ottoman today. The ottoman is much bigger than I expected so as of now, it is leaning against the wall.

my cat has a sofa

That’s the big sofa…in my cat’s room. The previous owners put the plastic on. I’m probably going to leave it on. I was led to believe the furniture looked completely different. I like it. I love flower prints. I wear them too. lol. However, I would never get anything light because I’m messy & clumsy. Plus I love pets so…

My love seat is in the living room. (What a tragedy to break up furniture family.) It isn’t against a wall which I consider a non-traditional victory. I will probably never sit on the sofas…while I’m living here. #1 I hate the plasticky noise. Yes I know that can be dealt with but still…One day this might be my main living room furniture or in a guest room. (Guests? What guests? Only animals allowed).

Everything is in the wrong room. My bookshelf is bookless… Tomorrow I’m going to work, gym, & a store or two. No church. Now, I’m going to take a much needed watching basketball break and watch season 3 of “Big Love” on DVD. (rental). I adored season one and I can’t remember if I saw all of season  2.

Going to NYC – east side

woohoo! I booked the hotel. This isn’t the smartest decision….financially. TWO nights in NYC?? A bit much. I have to pay for transportation. My dog has to have her check up and needs to be boarded for a long period because we are leaving on a Sunday (expensive).

Why do all my bills come up for renewal around the same time? car inspection, license renewal, car and house taxes, home warranty and there is probably more. I always feel overwhelmed during this period. And now I’m adding New York to this??? Well I won’t be spending much. Did I mention that I’m going to SUMMER SCHOOL this summer. I’m also doing my one flea market fling before Mother’s Day? OVERWHELMED.

I can’t believe I booked the hotel. WTF? I booked The Kimberly Hotel. It is on the lower east side. Near 5th Ave and Times Square. Like I previously stated, I’d rather stay near Central Park but I’ve spent weeks stressing over this. I made a decision that I would book a hotel ANY hotel (well not anything – had to be near something) TONIGHT. So I did.

Nestled in New York City’s fashionable East Side stands a hotel in Manhattan, unique in spirit and steeped in hospitality. The Kimberly Hotel New York provides guests with an intimate and unique experience in timeless elegance. Convenient to Grand Central Terminal, Rockefeller Center, Radio City Music Hall, Times Square, the Theater District, the United Nations, as well as some of the world’s most outstanding museums, popular attractions and luxury shopping, The Kimberly Hotel is the ideal destination for a business trip or well-earned vacation getaway.

The Ideal Starting Point for Things To Do in Manhattan

The Kimberly Hotel is conveniently located on 50th Street between Lexington and 3rd Avenues in the heart of midtown Manhattan’s fashionable East Side and convenient to all the things to do in Manhattan. Park Avenue and New York’s world renowned Madison and Fifth Avenue shops and many of the cities premiere attractions are just a short walk away.

Here are some pics:

our room, yo!

LOL. Yep, that’s the room we’ll be in!

Gaudy entrance

Note the “K”

blame it on the alcohol

The bar inside the hotel. It is supposedly a night club (um, at night?). I will be getting my Merlot on. I can’t drink. It makes me depressed & with the whole tipping thing in NYC, I don’t know if I will even try a sip of wine.
I haven’t posted in a week. WORK SUCKS. I went to the church meeting. The people were too friendly. (talk about overloading my senses. Hello!) I’m trying to clean up everything for my “new” furniture.

I may go into detail later but I don’t want to just repeat the work crap again. Church I am very unsure of. Yoga: I would like to start in April. I found a place with great prices.And if I don’t like yoga, I can do aerobics or another class. They have dance but I don’t dance in front of people. NO. 😉

in need of a miracle?

nah, I’m exhausted. lol. So I’m supposed to be going to church but I was out all day today. And I never do stuff…on purpose. haha

Anyway, the service is about miracles. Not biblical miracles. It is hard to explain. It is midnight and I haven’t had a nap yet.

I told people I didn’t want to spend my day during “stuff” because I knew I would be out of it. Thanks for listening.

Uh, gotta go. Will I spend 4 hours at a church and have no down time? That sounds like a set up disaster for work. I need down time for a full week of work. What should I do? Risk it? Can I afford to risk anything when it comes to work? No. But just because I’m out of it, doesn’t mean I’m going to be extra irritable at work, right?

I’m not making sense. At times like this, I hate being an introvert. I can’t keep going and going. I must have a down day or I will break……………………..

so out of it & i don’t have soap

you blues

Hit the bottom and bounce back up.
The lowest low is only a beginning.
These are the words many people said to me.
But in a crowd you lose humanity.
Scared of the future that comes from the past.
When I think back I see that this could never last.

-you blues by Juliana Hatfield

I wanted to bitch and complain…and I just might. I wanted to talk about how my cat doesn’t get along with other cats and how I don’t judge her for it. Then I woke up, cleared my brain and I realized that my cat wasn’t a human being but still!

How about I just do the ending? Here goes:

When I have a bad experience around a group of people, I don’t want to be around them. Them = groups of people. This is why I’m never going to get a business off the ground because I’m always thinking, “I’m soooooo done with people.” Why would I want to go to a church filled with people after being around them for 40+ hours?? At this point I am still going to church in two weeks but I’m not looking forward to it. Cuz I’m done!

My life is a record on repeat. I’m sick of other people saying I don’t make them comfortable. ROFL. Welcome to my life. Sorry, you have to catch me on a good day for me to feel bad for you. Haha.

I have to go into my little story: I tried breathing and it backfired. Why can everyone else breathe but me? *whine* I just want to breathe! Why is everything I do misinterpreted? EVERYTHING! No, I will not try to make you feel comfortable by being, uh normal?? WTF is wrong with “them”? Do they seriously think I’m going out of my way to be ME? (tense, neurotic etc.)


Just let me breathe. Please. I’m done! DONE!


Tiger Woods & Buddhism: It was always said that Tiger had such good concentration because his father would throw chairs while he was playing golf. Now I’m wondering if he is/was just a really good at meditation. I’m selfishly glad that he mentioned that he moved away from Buddhism during the last few (uh-huh) years. Tiger is so private and a control freak (takes one to know one) that he will probably never mention this tidbit again. I’m just really curious…and jealous.

I rarely hear any Westerns say “I’m Buddhist.” I assume it is common in the East. Most Westerns say, “I’m studying Buddhism”, right? If I can achieve Buddhism, I can do anything!

Gotta go. My cat is getting impatient and I have to go to the library. Then pancakes! woohoo. 😉

I’m going to a church??!

I’ve been on hold with the insurance company for 25 minutes. I think they are charging me too much for mental health visits. I know the copays have gone up for most people (except teachers in our state– they have the lowest copays! $20 to a specialist and $10 for their primary doctor. I would love that. Who wouldn’t? Uh, yes most of them with any experience make more than me so don’t go there.)

30 minutes and counting…

On March 7 I’m going to a church. No, not a Christian Church. LOL. NOTHING is going to stop me. Only a physical illness could stop me. Working 40 hours around people has always been my excuse for not doing anything that involves people on the weekend. I have a hard time understanding how a person can go to work and then go to church on Sunday! Who knows what they did on Saturday? That is too much stimulation for me.

When I was unemployed, I would have to go out at least once a week. In the summer, walking around the neighborhood was enough. I am very much a loner but I need some stimulation…even if it is just a grocery store. I don’t get lonely, I would call it bored. But since I’m around people mon-fri, I’m OVERstimulated. I don’t feel a need to do anything outside of my house on the weekends.

35 minutes. Still on hold….

I’ve never been near this church. I don’t know exactly where it is. But I’m committed to going. I would like to go to the service at least once a month. And they have documentary movie Friday twice a month. I’m a documentary freak so going to that once a month would be nice. (As long as no discussion is required – I hate talking. LOL). IF I like this church, I would like to do some volunteer stuff with them. It is easier when working with a group. I’ve done the solo volunteering thing and I felt like a circus freak except when the girl from Russia was working with me. (She was living with a host family and volunteering while she was here).

40 minutes on hold. I’m on my cell. I have limited minutes!

I’m committed. This is my courageous year???! Even if I had a bad work week and the thought of people make me want to poke pins in my eyes, I will still go. I wanted to just go to the newcomer’s meeting but there is a service right before that so…I feel like proper protocol is to go to the service and the meeting. Not that I really care about protocol. The main reason I’m going on March 7th is for the newcomer’s meeting.

45 minutes on hold…if they have fuck. Fuck. Answer the goddamn phone! I should hang up because it is probably due to the snow on the east coast. In DC, some people can’t get to work because there is no shuttle service or metro. Sigh. I’m just worried about going over. Should I really hang up after being on hold for 45 minutes? ::silence::

I’m scared to go to this new church but there is a quote that goes, “My life will be more interesting if I do this then if I don’t” so I will at least go to the meeting. Not excited or that interested in the service so I’m going to need to hype myself up for that. I will blog about other concerns later. Trust me, I have a lot of issues with churches…even when it isn’t a Christian Church.

Well 50 minutes holding. Wasting minutes. Fuck. Someone answered but guess what the women at the office told me to call the wrong number. And he couldn’t just transfer me. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

One more thing: I went to work late today so I did some de-cluttering. I got rid of two whole boxes! *cheer* Too bad, I couldn’t find the one thing I was looking for. But so far I have two boxes and two trash bags to take out. Yay!

Oh god, I got through to the other number easily. Bad news. It costs me $25 more to go to see anyone in mental health. That is unusual. Who copay goes up by $25 in one year? Yes prevent people from going to see mental health providers. GOOD MOVE. LOL. They have no idea what they are doing. I am now cutting back big time on that. Sucks. I was just getting excited about going twice a month. Guess I should’ve been a teacher but that involves talking…


And what if I went over my minutes. Wah. This sucks. Suckity. Suck. Suck.

Have a nice day! I’m taking a nap. Got to do long hours tomorrow if I can get out of bed early. It is so hard getting up in the winter. In the summer/spring, I don’t have this problem. And I’m pretty sure I’m becoming a night person or maybe this is related to winter too. Around 11pm, I have so much energy and nothing to do with it. Haha.

Longest. Entry. Ever. tata

way of life

To study the buddha way is to study the self.
To study the self is to forget the self.
To forget the self is to be actualized by myriad things.

-Dogen Zenji

Sometimes I wish I could believe in the Christianity thing. There is one Buddhist ‘place’ around here…but only ONE. It seems excellent. In the back of my mind I can’t help but think, “what if this fails?” I won’t have another option. This is the place for the study of Buddhism. I don’t believe one must go to a church/temple to practice a religion. However, I really want to get the meditation thing down. I do meditate…or I’ve tried and I don’t get the same results as people who are dedicated to it. So I think going to the Buddhist group may help.


I don’t feel comfortable around strangers, or in small groups….etc

I can talk myself into well, try at least one time. I can do that but the perfectionist in me wants to go twice a month and I will feel like I’ve failed if I can’t go back. To be honest, if I felt the need to go to a Christian church, if it didn’t work out once, I probably wouldn’t try another church. And if I were a Christian, I probably wouldn’t feel the need to go to a church. I can read the bible and watch Joyce Meyer at home…the thing with Buddhism is meditation. Hmmm

Anyhow, they have few groups. I’m trying to figure which one is best. I’m definitely not going to one that involves discussion on the first time I go. 🙂 That would be too much. I would runaway. Too much. Too much.

I’ve studied Buddhism for years. It is the only ‘religion’* that rings true for me. There isn’t a god. It is all about what you think & do. I practiced all day at work on Friday and it went well. But when I left work, I was my normal easily irritated self. We got some semi-bad news @ work, I was able to let go. But as soon as I was driving in my car, it hit me. What I really wanted to happen is not happening. I dunno…I just feel let down.

*I don’t consider Buddhism a  religion at all. It is a way of life. The only way for me.

I have to get going. Laundry, dishes etc.

Here is my one hotel picture from NYE. It is simple but I would love to have a set up like that in my house….minus the carpet.

best nye ever